One Question Too Many
by Eureka234
Summary: During a party, Varric decides to take a chance and ask Cassandra how she feels about him. Rated M for chapter 12, 17, 20, 23 & 32. Rated T everything else. Bioware owns everything.
1. Chapter 1

_Authors notes:_ I couldn't find any decent Cassandra/Varric stuff on here! They make me laugh so I thought I should write what Varric couldn't. Hope you like it!

_20/2:_ Because of a negative review of my story on the Bioware forum I have sought to fix up the lack of punctuation in the dialogue! Hurray.

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><p>The party was magnificent. Lights danced on the ceiling, the room was bustling with life from a variety of communities and the food was gourmet. I am not the dancing type, so I stood by the food and tried to make myself look occupied.<p>

I observed the expensive platters – cured and roasted meats, fermented vegetables, fruit platters, exquisite cheeses with bread... These sorts of arrangements always make me question my attitude towards party goers. Even though I was wearing a formal gown, it was still a dress. I did not wish to ruin it. I took a handful of grapes and started to pick them off the stem one by one.

I was very pleased Leliana had agreed to meet me. The only problem was she had been caught up on urgent business.

_No matter,_ I thought_, I will amuse myself here in the meanwhile._

I jumped as a small man waved a knobbly hand in front of my eyes.

_A drunkard disturbing me already? I_ thought, incredulously.

No. My eyes narrowed. It was Varric. He had not even done the courtesy of changing his clothes – I shall always wonder where he got his fashion sense. It certainly wasn't from anyone with a keen eye for clothing.

"Aren't you a sight for sore eyes?" he cackled. He had a large schooner of what smelt like whiskey in his hand. It splashed on the blouse I was using to keep warm.

"Excuse me?" I repeated in disbelief "Are you attempting to flirt with me, Varric?"

"Your words, not mine." Varric laughed again. Somehow drunkenness made an already loud man so much less tolerable. I took a deep breath.

"If you'll pardon me, Varric. I am waiting for Leliana to arrive. I fear I will not see her over your big head, or hear her over your oversized, insolent gob."

"Such big words, Seeker. I'm impressed. Why, you make me want to dance with you."

He tugged at my sleeve in a teasing sort of way, but I tugged it away. Varric laughed.

"Here I was thinking I was so charming," he ran his hands through his hair, "You always find a way to prove me wrong."

"If you're charming then I have long hair and a skirt," I shot back, quickly, averting my eyes. He may be a good writer, but he is not nearly as elegant in person.

"I'd like to see that," Varric beamed. His eyes were glistening with the sort of glee only alcohol could provide. I let out a frustrated noise only that dwarf knew how to get out of me.

"I'd like to see you leave," I replied curtly.

Varric took a swig of his drink.

"Seeker, Seeker, Seeker…" he struggled to find his footing, "Cassandra, Cassandra, Cassandra…"

"Just one of those will do," I said. A small smile curled my lips. He was mildly entertaining, in the same way a monkey is chewing its own toes. Pathetic.

It was lucky I only had grapes in my hand, because his next array of words made me drop them.

"Don't you think it's about time…" he said, talking to the floor, "that we release this pent up sexual tension between us, Seeker?"

Plonk.

As I picked up the grapes off the floor I tried to stare Varric in the eye, but he avoided me.

"Am I hearing you correctly, Varric?" I said, my tone increasing with every syllable "You think that our relationship is built up on _sexual_ tension?"

"Don't try to deny it, Seeker. All great relationships are," Varric slurred. He flashed me a smile in his stumbling. It was a pleasant, toothy grin. He really had drunk too much.

"I can't tell if you're lying or if it is the alcohol making you more honest than usual," I said suspiciously. My face must look so wrinkled I could be made into a statue, "Please tell me you're just speculating for a new story of yours,"

"Why write a story when I can encounter the real thing?" Varric smiled.

He took a single step closer to me. He had crossed my comfort zone for closeness.

"I…" I stuttered. I thought hard on how to respond to this situation. Varric was either going to take it seriously and continue with his behaviour, or think I'm joking and continue with his behaviour. There seemed no way out.

I sighed.

"How about we find somewhere nice to sit down?" I said placidly.

"Oh, you're being _polite_? I'm completely gone, aren't I?" Varric hiccupped and hit his chest.

"Pardon you." I said stiffly.

"Next thing you really will be growing long hair," Varric continued.

I laughed.

"The only person who has seen me with long hair is my brother," I noted, "But that is not the topic of this conversation."

I scanned the room quickly for Leliana, but there was still no sign.

I sat down a few seats closer to the entrance. Since no one was leaving, it was one of the most private, concealed areas in the venue. Now Varric couldn't break something in his intoxicated state.

"I am going to ask you this once, so listen carefully," I instructed, and I watched with satisfaction as Varric leant ever closer. "Are you being serious with your… invitation?"

"Are you seriously asking me if I'm serious?" Varric grinned, "Really, Seeker, it is written all over your face. As a great storyteller and observer I think it is fair that I can label the tension as pent up sexual feelings. Being a Seeker you must have learned to control those. You probably don't even know what they feel like. I don't think I am out of bounds or suggesting some controversy."

"You consider me as a type of emotionless undead because of my Seeker training?" I quipped. I tried to shorten my answers, so he could elaborate on his meaning.

"Seeker, you _are_ emotionless. It isn't a question."

He took a sip of his drink. My eyes narrowed. I snatched the schooner off him.

"Give me that!"

Stomping down my pride, I swallowed the drink in one go. Varric's mouth was hanging open.

"There. If I do what you do, does this still make me dispassionate?"

Varric swallowed hard and stared at me.

"You're not exactly defying my claim. Tell me, do you know what sexual tension feels like?"

"Y-yes," I stuttered. I wasn't completely sure it was true, but I didn't want to make him think he was right, either. "Even if what you're saying is true, it wouldn't matter. A courtship would be a distraction."

"We don't have to be in a _relationship,_" Varric mouthed, "Gees Louise… I am talking about a one night stand."

"A one night what?" I gasped, "Do you really see me as that dazzling and shapely?"

"My dear Seeker…" Varric began, and he peered at me with big, honey colored eyes, "If I didn't see you as attractive I truly would be an insane man."

My pupils turned to slits. My vision went hazy for a moment. I felt hotness rise to my face. He had complimented me, and I had no words to counter him. He really was more apt with words than I.

"To conclude your ramble…" I spoke in chunks, as my mouth was no longer working, "You think I am pretty, so you want to bed me once, and then get rid of me?"

"Yes," Varric said exasperated, "Is that not what I've made obvious _this whole time_?"

"You'll have to excuse me, Varric," It was my turn to hiccup, "You have throughoutly disconcerted me,"

"Oh dear, what a tragedy, I've embarrassed the great Cassandra," Varric mouthed awed, sarcasm dripping from his words. He raised his voice, "Let's sound the alarm. I've made Cass-"

"Shh!" I hissed, "I apologize for not being more insightful, but I do not know what to say."

"Whenever you're up to it, a response would be nice," Varric said.

I got the impression he was becoming less and less drunk. Strangely, this just made him seem dead set in his opinion.

Why had he hidden this from me before? Where the hell was Leliana?

"Cassandra… you must feel something for me despite rage, otherwise we wouldn't be able to have this conversation," Varric noted.

I scoffed. He was right.

"Fine. As infuriating as you are, I feel somewhat protective of you,"

"Protective of me?" Varric repeated.

"Yes. Someone needs to stop you from getting your head stuck up your own ass."

Varric laughed so hard I thought someone might ask him to leave.

"You praise me so!" He joked, "I'll take 'protective' as a mild form of affection. Is it not enough to be considered romantic, then?"

"You ask too many questions," I said awkwardly, "I cannot think straight like this."

"Oh?" Varric smiled slightly. He leant closer to me, "Maybe I can help you with that,"

I was amazed for not hallucinating, but Varric pressed his lips against my cheek. I went red and wiped the saliva off my face.

"How is that supposed to help!?" I yelled.

I forgot about the fact I was at a party. I forgot I was waiting for Leliana. I ignored the fact I was at the entrance and there was a possibility others could see. My insides felt they would burst. Varric chuckled.

"Emotion. See," he flexed his knuckles, "I am like a magician."

I ground my teeth and strode to the other side of the table. I lifted Varric half off the ground with one of his arms.

"How dare you subject me to your – _games_!" I spat, shaking his arm, "I wish I could ask you to stop, but I know it would do nothing. Do you know why? Because you are insufferable, uncontrollable, little – "

I closed my eyes out of shock more than expectation. Varric had yanked me down by my collar and pressed his mouth against my own.

He was good at kissing, if I dare be so fruitful with compliments. He had a nice shaped mouth – and his breath reeked of alcohol…. Probably not unlike my own.

I soaked in the feeling. It was slightly wet. It made the explosion in my body sizzle at the ends like a fire cracker.

Slowy, the Tethras bastard pulled away. I caught a glimpse of his cheeky smile before I turned away, heart pounding like mad. I tried to catch my breath. It was like I was ill. I probably was ill, since I was feeling this way for a dwarf! Not just any puny human, but _Varric_! How truly maddening.

I was so angry for _enjoying_ it.

Varric laughed.

'What?" I snapped, and I dismissed my embarrassment for a moment. The dwarf jabbed a thumb to the side.

"Your guest is here,"

I turned in horror at the corridor wall to see Leliana dressed in a beautiful blue gown, her head covered with a veil like usual. The Left Hand of the Divine had taken the opportunity to wear a formal dress as well.

She blinked, cheeks a tad pink.

"Forgive me. Was I walking in on something?" Leliana said blankly.

She shuffled her heels nervously. I wiped the spit from my mouth. I was about to answer when Varric clapped me on the small of the back and said.

"No idea. Ask Cassandra."

He left laughing his drawers off. I wanted to punch him and kiss him at the same time. My lips would not forget how his felt… snuggled so neatly against me.

I had it in my wrong mind to confront him.


	2. Chapter 2

"Do you not desire my company anymore?" Leliana asked.

I tried to take in the scenario.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"If you and Varric would like some more time together, then I…"

"No, no… Varric was just being an idiot, as usual." I said dismissively, "I welcome your company, Leliana. It will get me away from him."

"Excellent. I haven't eaten yet. Would show me to the table?" Leliana suggested.

"Gladly. They have impeccable presentation"

We walked out of the corridor and into the main hall again, weaving through countless colourful bodies. I was pleased that I couldn't see Varric anywhere, although it started to bother me once Leliana retired to her quarter's hours later.

I lay in bed, frustrated at myself. I thought back over the kiss and wondered if Varric shared more than a desire to bed me. I hadn't known him to sway towards anyone in any romantic sense, because of that bow… Bianca, was it? There was some girl who had stolen his heart long before the Champion of Kirkwall business. At least Leliana had calmed my mood swing. I intended to keep composure tomorrow.

* * *

><p>In the morning I found myself searching for that wretched dwarf. I had dreamt of nothing, thank the Maker. I had no need for further confusion. The crisp air was chillier than usual but the faint morning sun was strangely comforting.<p>

I passed his Haven tent early in the morning and called into the cream coverings.

"Hello, Varric?" I asked.

There was a groan.

"Does someone want me?" he grumbled, "What in Andraste's name for? It's 7:30 in the morning."

"7:30 is late for me, thank you very much.' I said curtly.

There was a pause.

"Oh, it's you, Seeker. Let me get decent."

"Thank you." I replied.

It was a lot easier talking to him outside of a setting with alcohol. I felt he was in my territory now and would have to answer to me.

The tent flap opened, and Varric looked incredibly sad indeed. He had bags under his eyes and his hair was very untidy. He smiled gently.

'What can I do for ya?" he asked.

I pursed my lips.

"I would like to talk about last night, if it does not disrupt your usual foolishness."

"The pile of nothing Leliana walked in on?" Varric chimed. "Go ahead."

'I am curious as to why you instigated the conversation with me in the first place," I peered at the crossbow he kept close by him, "Do you not have another woman of interest?"

"Indeed, I do." Varric nodded. He held the crossbow close and caressed it, "Are you saying I'm not allowed to find you attractive?"

"You must be joking!" I blurted out, "If I am to be admired, then you must do this to many others."

"I would be lying if I said I didn't," Varric admitted, "although none as passionately as you, dear Seeker."

"You speak of passion as though you know of it, but I do not see ardor when I look at you. I see taunting eyes, the spark of a joker."

'You're not entirely wrong there," Varric smiled. "I joke around like there's no tomorrow, although – here's the catch- I am passionate for a select few."

"By few you mean a hundred?" I queried.

"No." Varric shook his head. "You'd be the second, maybe third. Bianca takes number one, of course."

I blushed, but forgot it when Varric gave a possessive kiss on his weapon.

"Who is that woman?" I demanded, "You pine for someone who is never here. I fail to see how that displays love or loyalty."

"Ah, but that is the one story I can never tell" Varric said with a wry smile.

"Why not?" I asked, "Is it because you're afraid?"

Varric sighed. He pushed the hair out of his eyes and tried to make himself presentable with a slob of spit.

"If that were the case, Seeker – I would not be willing to tell you."

He didn't look at me.

I crouched down to his level and peered deep into his face.

"If I could provide assistance and help you, would you give me some clues as to the story?"

Varric smiled, "One moment you despise me, and now you're offering your help? I'm touched."

"Answer the question, please." I tried to sound polite. Usually I sounded a lot friendlier than this, even if it was with the bumbling fool.

Varric thought on it for a moment, then another. Finally, he put his crossbow down.

"The only circumstance which would allow me to tell you," Varric began, "is if you became as close to me as Bianca was."

I paused, "W-what does that mean?"

"Oh, I can't tell you," Varric grinned, "I'd be willing to have breakfast with you though, now you've got me up."

Damn that dwarf. Curiosity was something I was never good at hiding. It made me all the more curious to not have the information. By Varric's sneaky smile, he must have known he'd gotten me hooked.

"I already had breakfast," I finally said.

"I'll shout you morning tea then!" Varric grinned. "I'll need something in my belly though."

"Alright then," I smiled, and I held out my hand, "I'll meet you at the tavern in half an hour,"

Varric took a curious look at my hand, and shook it with the hand he hadn't run through his hair.

"Pleasure to do business with you, Miss Pentaghast."

* * *

><p>It was curiously festive to dine in the tavern rather than the usual fare from the Chantry. I examined the menu with interest, not sure what sort of regalement they would prepare. We ordered at the bar and found a table close to a window.<p>

Varric sat next to me, rubbing his hands together. The melodious tune of an acoustic guitar was pleasant opposition to the distant, often quiet chatter from outside.

"I've been looking forward to this!" the dwarf said gleefully.

"It is breakfast Varric, not your birthday." I assured him, "I don't see why you are so excited."

"Not just breakfast, Seeker", Varric said, "a hot, toasty drink too."

"Wonderful," I said, disgruntled.

"So while we have so much time to ourselves, I have a question for you." Varric said pleasantly.

"What is that?" I asked, in the most normal tone I had managed thus far towards him. A look of keen interest glowed in the storyteller's eyes.

"What did you think of our little smooch yesterday, huh?"

It was a good I only had water in my mouth. I swallowed, hard.

"I consider that valuable information," I responded slyly "How about you tell me something no one knows about you, and then I'll give you my answer?"

"I see what you're doing here," Varric grinned. "Alright. I've told many lies about how I got Bianca, but I'll give you the proper version. Bianca made her for me"

"Is that all? Awfully simple for the truth," I said.

Varric nodded.

"That's why it doesn't make a good story," he agreed, "I've made my payment. Now you have to tell me the truth."

I took a deep breath and tried to ignore the rising heat in my face.

"It makes me mad to admit it, but your kiss was highly ingratiating," I said, "I would almost invite you to do more, if…"

"If?" Varric encouraged me.

I shrugged.

"One night stands are not something I usually do."

"No shit," Varric chuckled.

"I am more likely to accept your offer if I am feeling more amicable towards you,"

"This could be a lot of effort, but hell, I'm willing. How do I do that?" Varric asked.

I laughed.

"Not aggravating me is a start," I noted, "I am thinking of how to best use you. Yes, that will do nicely. If I ask you to do something, I would like you to do it."

"You act like a woman who would prefer to be on top," Varric said. "but I really think you crave being on the bottom."

"You're not off to a good start," I mumbled.


	3. Chapter 3

There was nothing within the Inquisition that required the help Varric could provide, so I picked the mundane tasks I avoided. I was very interested to see if the unbelievable braggart would actually go through with our agreement.

The first of these was making me lunch.

"You want me to cook for you?" he gaped, flabbergasted.

"What? Is it too difficult a task for you?" I smiled, knowing I had got the dwarf confused.

Varric scratched his head.

"I'll be honest I'm more for buying than cooking."

"Do you know how I can tell you're not lying? Because this fact makes you look bad," I smiled, unable to resist the elation in my chest. I was exposing the devil for his true colours!

Varric rubbed his temples, distressed.

"If I do this, will you do something nice for me?"  
>I crossed my arms "That depends how nicely you cook and coddle."<p>

Leliana overheard the conversation, as she always did.

"Oh, are we cooking?" she said excitedly. "I just love a good soup in this cold. Would you like to work together, Varric? I can grab some fantastic herbs from the gardens."

I held out an arm.

"I _forbid_ you from helping him, Leliana."

Leliana looked uncomfortable. She looked to Varric, then me, then Varric, and back at me again. She sighed.

"Only the Maker knows how to show Varric the light in this situation," she said prissily. Despite rejecting her, my smile remained.

"May you be blessed." Leliana finished.

"Thank you for the inspiration, Leliana" I said.

She bowed and left. Varric sat down.

"I want a drink but that won't help me think."

"You finally admit it. Well done." I said, overjoyed at the perception of superiority.

Varric's eyes narrowed, "Don't be too snub with me, Seeker, or I might just withdraw our deal."

I wanted to get mad at him, but this was a concern, making me the most foolish of fools. To think that I actually wanted him to kiss me again… the memory was just so out of the ordinary it seemed ridiculous not to want more. It was probably the equivalent of Varric's unhealthy need for alcohol: stupid, but relentless and frustrating.

I wandered behind his chair and placed my hands on his shoulders.

"Do you need some pampering, Varric? Are you not strong like you let others believe?"

Almost in a mocking way, I tried to massage his shoulders. I'll admit it was nice to get close to someone in a somewhat intimate way. It was something I had forgotten about. I sensed carefully the thick texture of Varric's attire, and the hard bulk of muscle underneath. Very slowly, it warmed up and softened.

Varric sighed. His voice was a lot lighter when he spoke.

"You leave me no choice. Go to your war room or whatever garbage you usually do. I'll come get you when I've come up with something."

"Excellent." I said "Thank you, Varric"

Was I mocking him, or showing him affections? Were the affections mocking or genuine? These were the sorts of questions I had to push to the back of my mind when we planned our next moves with the Herald. Thankfully, she seemed to be too taken with Cullen to notice what Varric and I were up to.

I couldn't help but feel puzzled by the dwarf. His frustrations were almost charming.

* * *

><p>The schlemiel tapped me on the shoulder many hours later when everyone had left the room.<p>

"Psst," he hissed.

"Hello again, Varric" I responded.

I tried to keep the stern look on my face to intimidate him, but I was also intrigued as to what Varric had cooked. He looked like he wanted to be as secretive as possible. When he spoke it was so close to me no one could overhear.

"Come to my tent, your grace." he mocked bowed.

I laughed, but couldn't help but blush.

"Your mood seems better than it was before," I observed.

"Of course it is." he said, as I followed him. "Anyone can turn into a tight ass hanging around you."

I clenched my jaw, "I feel the same about you."

Varric gave a sigh, "We're such a charming little couple, aren't we?"

I didn't know what to say so said nothing. I secretly wanted to massage his shoulders again. Not so I could please Varric, but so I could accommodate some repressed desire in myself. Physical touching was so foreign I had barely hugged anyone in my life. It wasn't something I was used to doing. Rubbing Varric's shoulders had been somewhat educational, as strange as that may sound. The Chantry had taught me to rid myself of these wants, and I it was almost like I had forgotten about them.

Part of me wish I hadn't.

"Yoo-hoo, are you in there, Cassandra?" Varric called.

I snapped awake. Varric was holding the flap of his tent open for me. The cool, white frost of Haven chilled my arms.

I bent down on my knees and crawled inside, forgetting all decency.

The flap closed and darkness washed over the prospect. It would be pitch black if it wasn't for the lantern Varric sat by his sleeping bag. It cast an orange yellow hue over our features, like sitting around a camp fire. It was assuring. There was always a particular closeness about sharing the space a person slept in, but the dwarf made me feel like I was discussing the day's events with Leliana.

How could he have this effect on me when he is so irksome?

"If anyone asks, we were discussing new alliances to forge in the Hinterlands," I said hastily.

"Pff. You're worse at lying than me." Varric snorted. "That won't convince anyone. Just tell them you wanted to put me in my place."

I was about to say 'Fine' but a wonderful scent entered my nostrils. Varric presented me with a plate. Cooked veal and some steamed vegetables were scattered among the white surface.

"I hope it is up to your ridiculous, royal-family, fancy-pants standards." Varric said.

Usually I would complain, but it smelt so good.

"Thank you, Varric. I'm impressed." I took the knife and fork he handed to me. "I did not expect you to follow through with my instruction."

"I surprise even myself," Varric agreed, "Oh, I liked the shoulder rub, by the way. Any chance you can do my neck sometime? I always sleep on it funny with these dodgy, old pillows."

I took a bite into the veal and chewed slowly. It may be a little overcooked, but it was still a decent effort. He had done well for what I assume was a first try.

"Let me finish this first," I informed him.

"No matter. Thanks, anyway, if you don't take that as an insult."

_He had said thank you_, I beamed_, I don't recall him ever telling me such a thing_

It was simple, but endearing. Who would have thought I'd be so easily swayed?

As I removed green then orange Varric sat patiently, warming his hands by a lantern and skimming over parchment in a corner. He was eyeing my food suspiciously.

I swallowed some vegetables and stabbed some more veal with a fork. The silence was a little odd, even by Varric's standards.

"Have you eaten?" I asked.

Varric fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I may have neglected my own meal in order to make yours." He said hurriedly, "It took a little while to find the right ingredients."

I stared at him in disbelief, "Nonsense. I refuse to let you disregard your needs so voluntarily. Everyone in the Inquistion needs energy to perform - even blusters like you."

"Maybe slipping up one day is acceptable?" Varric said shyly.

"Enough." I shook my head. I cut off some veal and lift my fork "Have some."

It was like he suspected I would poison him. Varric didn't move. He just stared at me with big eyes.

The dwarf's golden iris looked richer in the light, enhanced even. The rustle of people chatting and bustling outside reinstated their existence in the moment hesitation, and I forgot I was truly alone in this space. It was tense, mystifying. Varric's pupils finally lowered to the fork.

"What are you doing?" I demanded, "I am offering you food. You should eat it."

"If you insist," Varric said.

He leaned forward and I watched as his teeth clamped on the fork, removing the slab of meat. I was surprised by how innocent and steady Varric appeared as he did this, like a lost lamb in the middle of the wilderness. Perhaps even a starved puppy begging for a pat. For a slob, he almost didn't seem annoying. The dwarf gulped it down in a second.

"Maker, that's gooood." he moaned. He put his fingers together "I really regret not getting something from the tavern now."

"I knew you would change your mind." I noted, as I finished chewing some more veal myself. "Would you like me to fetch you something?"

"Seeker, don't be ridiculous." Varric flouted. "I was meant to make you lunch. You should eat it in peace."

For once he seemed adamant and serious.

I peered at the dwarf with sad eyes.

"I am not that heartless, Varric. It is true I asked you to cook for me, and I am very glad you did. However, I would eat more peacefully if you had food to ingest as well."

"Are you sure?" he asked, "Your food will go cold."

"That means nothing to me." I said "I may come from an ornamental family, but that does not mean I don't know hardship. You forget I practiced asceticism through the Chantry."

Varric looked like something had come over him. His eyes went blank and his eyebrows twitched. It was like some beautiful star had materialized in the distance and he was admiring it. I turned around and saw the lonely tent flap. That's when I realized he must have been admiring _me_. My mind was wiped of all thoughts as I observed the peculiar expression.

"Point taken." Varric agreed.

Still mildly unnerved, I pushed my knife and fork together, put the plate to the side and we slowly scrambled out of the tent again.


	4. Chapter 4

_Authors notes:_ Thanks everyone who is reading thus far. I had a lot of fun writing this chapter so I hope you enjoy it too! :-)

* * *

><p>"Do you hear that, Seeker? As you eat, I can hear that sexual tension sizzling inside you." Varric said sneakily.<p>

I coughed.

"I can hear your one lonely brain cell rattling, too."

Varric laughed, "Good one."

I smiled weakly as I finished the final bites of my cold meal. Varric had gotten a similar arrangement – it just looked a lot nicer.

"I don't suppose you are feeling any warmer towards me?" he asked.

I pushed my plate away from me.

"Perhaps..." I raised an eyebrow. "Would you like me to prove it to you?"

Varric swallowed some of his food, "Up to you."

I moved a little closer to him, "If I was intoxicated with your accursed drinks, how do you think I would behave?"

Varric put a finger on his chin, "Good question. Would you like to find out?"

* * *

><p>The second mundane task I asked Varric to do for me is to get me drunk. It is a silly request, surely. I could think of nothing sillier.<p>

I didn't understand why I was mixing myself up with him. Even contemplating a friendly union was so ridiculous and absurd. Was it because I liked outrageous things? Was I a little girl who was begging to be let out of her cage?

Because of how daring it was for my standards, it was probably for the best that a large delay took place between my last request and this one. The Inquisiton had a busy rush followed with an untimely crisis. Yes, after the disaster with Corypheus and Haven, morale was low. Regardless of what this meant to the Inquisition, I felt a loss to know the village with so many months, even years, of memories was long gone. Countless lives of people I'd respected perished in the blink of an eye. Thankfully Varric echoed my grievances as he had gotten familiar with many of the village people as well.

Even with the occasional neck rub and extra pleasant conversation, the revelation of The Champion of Kirkwall being a letter away from Varric plummeted my already disturbed mood to a flat line. I was almost never going to forgive him, but Varric insisted on making me breakfast for a week. Extra encouragement from the newly budding Inquisitor also helped, I'll admit that much.

After cleaning Skyhold almost non-stop for a week, a break was long overdue. Varric took it upon himself to invite as many of the Inquisition as possible, and insisted that he would buy me drinks. Disappointing everyone, the Inquisitor politely refused the invitation, as she decided she needed rest. Solas was uninterested, to no one's surprise.

As I sat down with my friends on the wooden stool my worries ebbed away. It nearly felt like being back at Haven. Leliana sat by me with a small cocktail, sipping it little by little. Cullen had gotten the same drink as Varric. I did not pay attention to what it was. I ordered some mulled wine. Josephine just drank water.

The table was way too big for me to accommodate everyone into the equation. The new recruit Dorian, Cullen and The Iron Bull were singing loudly together. The undermined lighting meant half everyone's faces were obscured by shadow.

"I know your secret, Commander Cullen." The Iron Bull said, in between a song. Cullen laughed.

"What is that?"

"I've seen the way you go googly eyes at the Inquisitor. You ain't fooling nobody."

Cullen seemed bashful, "I- I don't know what you mean"

"He means you've been battering your pretty eyelashes at each other, that's what he means." Dorian reiterated.

Cullen sprayed his drink on everyone.

"Sweet Maker. S-Sorry." he wiped his mouth.

"You call yourself a man," The Iron Bull said, "I call you a pussy."

"A what, excuse me?" Cullen asked, "I happen to be a Commander, thank you very much."

"You're a very daft Commander, Cullen. Put some more cheer into your stride! It makes life a lot more fun. Now tell the truth about the Inquisitor, won't you?" Dorian chimed.

"These boys are so different when out of their offices," Josphine said unimpressed, "It is very alarming, not the least reassuring."

Leliana simply nodded. I was too interested by their conversation to join in. I gulped my mulled wine as fast as I could.

I spotted Varric grin at me from further down the table. He got out of his seat and took my glass.

"Let me refill that for you." he said nonchalantly.

He drifted away and no one noticed. Cullen, Dorian and The Iron Bull seemed to match Varric with loudness. By some miracle maybe they had surpassed him.

My posture was getting limp. I let my arms collapse into a heap on the table.

"We, uh… haven't been overly intimate together," Cullen blushed furiously. "It is…um… a private matter."

"I heard her screams." The Iron Bull grinned. "I know what you were doing."

"Is that what that was?" Dorian asked. "I assumed it was Josephine getting bored to death by the bloody Grey Warden."

"He's not that bad." The Iron Bull chuckled. He clapped Cullen on the back. "I'm just messing with ya. I think you're alright."

"If it was the Inquisitor screaming, he was more than alright" Dorian shook Cullen by the shoulders "If I was the Inquisitor, I'd be jumping for joy around my room. I'd sing in the shower and cook myself toast with too much butter."

"Is too much butter a delicacy in Tevinter?" Cullen asked, trying to change the subject, "To end your harrowing curiosity, yes. She was being pleasured to her wit's end."

"I'm sure you were lovely, Cullen." I said.

With shock, I realized I had drunk half way down my next glass. I caught Varric's gaze and he winked at me "If she was screaming, all the more for her."

"Thank you. I'm glad at least _one person _on this table sees sense."

"I'm very curious to know more," Josephine admitted, "but I shall keep quiet on this matter."

"I really wish my personal life wouldn't become this public," Cullen sighed, "You lot have to tell me some gossip now. It would make me feel better."

"How about the fact Varric likes me?" I said loudly.

My voice had gone slurred. I was shocked at how I didn't even blush.

I didn't care. I wanted to help Cullen, for I respected him, and no one deserved the humiliation he was currently receiving.

I caught Varric's eye and grinned at him. He looked like the boy who had stolen the last cookie from the jar. All eyes turned on him.

"No!" Dorian breathed.

"Is this true?" Leliana asked.

"Don't you have a thing for your crossbow?" The Iron Bull asked.

Cullen mouthed thanks at me. I gave an appreciative nod.

Varric stretched out his hands in the way he always did before he told a story.

"Cassandra's just trying to embarrass me." He apprized, "She's not telling the truth."

"B-But…" Leliana started, "That night in Have…"

"Shhh!" Varric reached over to cover her mouth, "Let's not listen to the shoe obsessed lady!"

"You're the one who is embarrassed," I continued, "That's why you're denying its validity."

"Ok, when I had too much to drink I _might_ have said you were hot stuff. That doesn't mean I _like_ you."

"This is getting too intense for drunken conversation!" Cullen tried to talk over the top of everyone, "I am almost ready to walk out the door!"

"You're going nowhere, pussy." The Iron Bull said. He held Cullen down by the shoulder.

Cullen sighed.

"I hate you"

The Iron Bull laughed, "No, you don't."

"Really?" I replied sarcastically, "I didn't realize you kissed everyone you thought were hot stuff, then."

That got him. Varric turned bright red. He looked down at the table so others wouldn't have to see. I laughed. Clearly this is not what Varric had expected would happen if I drank too much.

There was a collective gasp from around the table.

"Y'Ouch, she's feisty," Dorian laughed, "You better be careful with that one, Varric."

"Trust me," Varric groused, "I already take all the care in the world."

He grabbed his glass in a very aggressive way and stormed off. It wasn't to the bar, but one of the next rooms.

"Oh my goodness! Where is he going?" Josephine asked.

Leliana stood up, her eyes cat-like and determined.

"I can take care of him."

"No, leave him alone," I pressed, and I rose from my chair too. I stamped my drink down. This was my doing. It was my responsibility to fix it. "Please chatter amongst yourselves,"

I power walked around the table and followed where Varric had gone. It was good I was taller than him. I could see him through the mountain of dimly lit heads. The bard's song became louder as the words 'Can you guide me / to the revolt inside of me' filled my ears. Deep laughs and shrill giggles made Cullen's cry for help dissolve into the backdrop. Somehow, I still managed to hear it.

"No, Cassandra. Don't leave me with these mongrels!"

"I'm sorry, Cullen!" I shouted over my shoulder.

I didn't hear the response. I dodged a pair of blonde dwarfs dancing with locked arms, beholding a longer stretch of scouts and strangers. The clatter of heels and stomping of boots matched my heart and clouded my already disturbed inner monologue.

_What could have offended him so invincibly? _I wondered to myself.

With each step it got harder to not push patrons out of the way, but I persevered. Finally, after a minute of searching the lines of smiles and curls of hair, I found him. Varric was swaying gently to the melody in a corner behind a line of Cullen's men, appearing disillusioned. As I approached, the clamorous chatting presented itself to be of the Herald, Rifts and who fancied who.

The Tethras' blonde hair appeared brown in the dark, and his eyebrows were even darker. Anger didn't suit his stance. His stubble was pernicious. Varric had his arms crossed, gaze fixated on the floor. It was complete opposite to his default vigorous body language when recounting vivid memories of an Arishok fight. His eyes were framed in just the right way that he looked cursed by a demon.

As startling as it was I didn't linger. The soldier's recognized me and formed a gap to let me pass with soft utterances of 'Seeker'.

Varric didn't look at me, but he must have recognized my boots.

"What do you want?" he sighed exasperated.

"I wanted to apologize." I said slowly, edging closer to him, "I was just trying to be funny."

"Funny you say that, actually." Varric stretched, "Does it look like I'm laughing?"

We caught each other's gaze. It was one of both understanding and unmatched intensity. I could not tell what it was besides intense though. Half his face was shaded but I could imagine the full extent of his emotion perfectly. Anger started to leak into Varric's voice, but he kept himself under control.

"What is your problem, Seeker?" he mouthed, "I did you a favour and shouted you drinks, and this is how you repay me?"

"I said I was sorry." I repeated, "If it makes it better, consider it repayment for embarrassing me in front of Leliana."

"That was an _accident._" Varric breathed, "Do you think I planted her there like I was plotting against you?"

I paused. Confidence wavered in my voice, "N-N-No."

"You do realize Dorian and the freak show are never going to leave me alone now?"

I couldn't take this anymore. My logic was already gone, but that was enough.

"Maybe you should have thought more about that before you kissed me!" I shouted.

It took a while for the words to make their impact, and even longer for their effect to linger away. Some of the chattering surrounding us had stifled. I could tell we'd caused a scene. Cullen's soldier's had turned to look. The gentle plucks of the acoustic guitar sounded deranged and unnatural – like an accord to commemorate the deceased from Haven. It was slow and no longer worthy of praise.

My jaw stiffened.

We breathed at each other like insane trolls, blood vessels popping out of our eyes. Varric looked angrier than I had ever seen him. I wondered if he thought the same about me. He was almost unrecognisable.

Trembling from head to toe, I paced the final step towards him. I crossed my own comfort zone for closeness, and I'm pretty sure I broke his too. I threw my hands against the wall, and I stared angrily into his face, taking in the full splendour of those rich eyes. I wouldn't have been surprised if I spat on him. I was mere inches from his face. From here, he did not fluster me. In this encased position I was potent and cogent.

"Don't be so proud," I whispered, annoyance showing on every inch of my being. My voice hissed like the biting zephr exterior the windows, cold and affronting, "You were a fool for tempting me."

The full extent of my insobriety made itself known to the tavern guests. I grabbed Varric's face so he could not move and forced my mouth upon his. The blather resumed and it was clear Cullen's soldier's did not know how to respond to the vehemence either.

I was so angry I could have ripped the rogue's jaw off, but I chose against causing more discomfort. I kissed as long as I could, removing every drop of whiskey from his lips, ingesting his breath. I didn't care if it was unlady-like anymore.

I bit his bottom lip and tugged at it, an insane desire to be close. Is this what sexual tension is? Finally I pulled away, left with what could only be defined as the rumble that followed a clap of lightning. There were no thoughts, only experience.

Varric didn't move for a moment. He gasped for breath.

"Maker's breath, you sure know how to kiss," he was blushing furiously, "and yet I want to murder you."

"Come get me then, you bastard," I sneered.

Now it was Varric's turn. He pulled me down by the collar and showed me his own resentment and acerbity. I had never known kisses like these. They were intense, unyielding and angry. When I moaned in protest, the dwarf didn't stop or scruple. He refused to let me breath. I was shocked to feel him slip his tongue in my mouth, but I tried to be natural. I heaved in my chest. My body heat up like a furnace.

"Oh my goodness!"

I recognized that voice. Josephine's.

I snapped away from Varric and smiled cheerily at her. She was accompanied by Leliana. Cullen was somewhere behind them. Rutherford's soldier's started to laugh or wave.

"We wanted to see if you were r-regulating agitations e-e-effectively, Cassandra," Josephine stumbled with her words, so unlike her "Uh, we should leave you to it, yes?"

Cullen looked delighted, "Excellent, this makes me feel so much less awkward!"

"Don't stare at them, we'll get interrogated trouble!" hissed one of Cullen's recruits.

I swayed my hip in an attempt to keep upright, looking from one guilty face to another. It was hard to say who appeared most startled. Cullen's reaction was by far the most entertaining. I was embarrassed, but not nearly as much as I was the first time I had been walked in on like this.

I knew exactly what to say.

"Varric and I would like you to leave," I said plainly, "_Now._"

"Yes, yes, of course." Josephine said hurriedly. Since she hadn't drunk anything with alcohol in it, she was probably the only one in her right mind caring enough to rationalize our actions. I was so grateful the 'freak show' had decided to stay at the table. At least these three were sensible.

They turned and vanished, becoming lost in the rowdiness and noise.

I turned back, very interested to see Varric had a sickening smile on his face. He tried to catch his breath.

"Is it inappropriate," he said between breaths, "to invite you into my room tonight?"

"No," I said honestly, and I squeezed his shoulder, "but I'm afraid it will have to wait."

"Until what?" Varric asked, hopefully.

I smiled. I knew he would not like my answer.

"For some time when I am no longer intoxicated." I said pleasantly. I smiled wider as I saw Varric's face screw up with frustration.

"Damn it, Seeker," he moaned "I hate it when you're right."


	5. Chapter 5

_Authors notes:_ I hope you like reading this as much as I liked writing it! Please review if you like it... it will draw in the masses. Mwahaha.

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><p>It was a relief I'd taken the high road and recognized my impaired judgement, because I would have been a lot more confused if I went through with Varric's suggestion. I slept very well, but when I awoke three words entered my mind:<p>

_What was that?_

Varric and I had kissed each other very passionately. That much was certain. Everything else was sadly uncertain. It was very frustrating.

I had breakfast in the dining hall later than usual, careful to avoid the stares of Sera, Blackwall and Leliana. Why couldn't they leave it be? Slightly stale bread and butter with orange juice was the standard choice for now.

Unfortunately, it seemed like everyone had the same questions as me. I could see it in every face. I sat in the corner so only _one_ person could sit next to me. I couldn't see Varric anywhere. I didn't know whether to be happy or sad about this.

"Good morning Seeker Pentaghast," Cullen said happily.

My insides settled. He would be mature about this, certainly, "Did you recover from that rowdy mess last night?"

"I didn't drink _that_ much, but I am well thank you." I said, "and yourself? Did Dorian and his friends bother you?"

"This is going to sound incredibly cliché but I think they are just jealous," Cullen said matter of factly "They couldn't turn away once Leliana started carrying on about…um… that incident I presume you don't want to talk about."

I glared evilly at my bread. Somehow it was managing to taste extra disgusting today.

"No. I do not," I said curtly, "I appreciate your understanding, Commander."

"That makes me feel a bit more useful around here," Cullen took a large bite out of his bread "Sometimes It seems like it's just politics, day in and day out. It isn't any particularly great use or interest to me."

"I know that feeling, but politics is an unavoidable necessity. As is the Chantry, and everything else in Thedas," I agreed, "Has the Inquisitor shared what she wishes to do next?"  
>"I do believe she desires to explore Crestwood with Varric and the Champion of Kirkwall," Cullen said cheerily, "There is a Grey Warden situated there, as I understand it."<p>

"Great. More Varric.' I said, annoyed.

Cullen laughed.

"Listen to you!" he said, greatly amused, "_'More Varric'_. I thought you liked him!"

I stood up, empty plate in hand.

"I don't know." I said stiffly.

Cullen's expression went blank. He looked perplexed

"Oh my," he said, awed. He cleared his throat, "That _is_ a problem."

"Yes, it is." I agreed.

I did not wish to discuss the matter more. I put my plate in the sink and went to sit outside.

* * *

><p>The Inquisitor found me within the hour, her brown hair wafting in the gentle breeze. For once, I enjoyed time observing the skies and feeling the grass. It calmed my mood. I started.<p>

"Inquisitor!" I jumped, and I tried to get up on my feet.

The Inquisitor dismissed me with a wave of her hand.

"I can join you on the ground. I'm not a peasant." she smiled.

"As you wish." I nodded.

The Inquisitor sat next to me.

"I intend to head out to Crestwood in a few hours. I would really love your assistance," she said, "However, it has also come to my attention that you are in a sensitive situation with Varric."

I hesitated for a moment, "Who told you?"

The Inquisitor laughed, "To be honest, everyone did at one point, but the only opinion I listened to was Cullen's."

"A wise decision." I agreed. "If you request my aid, Inquisitor, I will assist you. Varric will just have to deal with me."

"Will you be alright, though?" the Inquisitor asked, "It must be awkward circumstances."

"Yes." I sighed, "but how is that different to any other time I am with Varric? If conflict arises I will deal with it in a sensible manner."

"If you're sure," the Inquisitor said, "I would be very happy to have you on the team."

"I'm certain. Thank you for talking to me about it." I said.

The Inquisitor nodded.

"What leader would I be if I didn't look out for my team's welfare?" she asked.

"A very bad one." I smiled.

The Inquisitor turned on her heal with a friendly smile.

"Exactly."

* * *

><p>The trip to Crestwood was as lengthy as any other. We went on horseback, as usual. I was very pleased to acquaintance myself with the Champion of Kirkwall. She seemed a very nice lady. I expected no less. Varric rode on her other side. We kept alternating between staring at each other, and avoiding each other's eye. It was not as awkward as it could have been, I decided.<p>

* * *

><p>We set camp a few miles from Crestwood at sundown. It was time for a well-earned rest. I ate my grilled fish away from everyone in a flurry of trees. I was so disappointed in my ability to analyse situations. I had no greater clarity about how I saw Varric as I did at the beginning of the day.<p>

Long after I'd finished and tossed my skewer away, I heard a crunch of twigs. I spun around.

"Leave me alone, Varric." I said dangerously, turning back to watch the moon. Varric's footsteps continued to get closer.

"Come on, I've left you alone all day." He said, "Surely I'm allowed to be within five meters of you?"

"I do not want to talk right now," I said simply, "I am not in a good mood."

"That makes two of us." Varric said.

He sat down next to me. I glared at him. His features looked odd in the moonlight. Varric shrugged and made a motion to zip his lips.

I sighed and looked at the moon. Of course, I didn't want to avoid everyone. I just felt so awkward I wanted to escape. I wanted to go somewhere that would give me answers. There was nothing though. I knew I was being petty and childish, but I was not sure how socializing was going to help me either. If anything it would give the illusion I was in a right frame of mind, which I wasn't. There was no point pretending.

"I have no idea how to behave around you," I said, and I picked at some grass on the ground "It bothers me."

I looked at Varric. He simply peered at me and nodded.

_So he was going to be quiet?_

I flicked a twig at him to see if he would respond. He didn't.

"I feel very conflicted, Varric," I continued, "I don't know how I relate to you anymore. I do not know my opinion of you. Whenever I search, there is nothing. I have no answers."

I looked at Varric. I saw sadness in his eyes, but he continued to be patient. He silently encouraged me to continue.

"I look at you and see nothing." I reiterated. Varric nodded. "I'm sorry if that sounds cruel but I do not know how else to explain it."

Varric waved a hand to show he didn't mind. He raised a finger.

"You can speak now." I said finally. My voice was a lot softer, freer. It was refreshing to just talk and not have Varric shoot me down. It was my turn to listen.

"This 'nothing' sounds like a slippery something." He said, "otherwise you should be able to act like your usual bitchy self around me."

"Yes, I have been a bitch to you today." I said quietly. "I'm sorry."

"Something must have been going through that head of yours last night." Varric said, "If your brain stopped working after that, maybe you could retrace your steps. It helps me find drafts of my books, anyhow. Maybe it could help you find the missing page."

A twinkle of fear lurched in my stomach, and I realized what the problem was. Yes, the page was missing but it wasn't because I lost it.

"What if I dropped this page on purpose?" I asked him.

Varric chuckled. It was a lot calmer than his usual boisterous tone.

"What good is a story with a missing page?" He wondered.

_Yes, what indeed._ I thought

"Maybe I don't want a story," I shot back at him, "Perhaps – I know this must sound strange to you -I want to start all over again."

"I think I see what you're saying," Varric began, "You read a story and you don't like where it's going. It makes you mad so you rip it out. Maybe if the chapter doesn't end like that, it can make the book redeemable. Is that the sort of analogy you're going for?"

"Y-Yes!" I said, amazed Varric had discovered this so quickly.

Varric picked up a rock and threw it.

"The only reason I'd do that to a romance story is if I…" his face fell, "Didn't like who the main character ended up with."

My heart stopped. I stared at Varric in terror. Recognition dawned on the storyteller's face, and it was not a good thing to realize.

'You don't like me." he said dumbfounded, "No. More than that, you _hate_ me."

"Hate is a very strong word, Varric." I said matter of factly, "I wouldn't jump to that conclusion so easily."

"But it's true, isn't it?" Varric said in a hushed tone, "You don't like the idea of us being together, so you closed the book and threw it in the fire – like so."

He tossed a rock behind him in a princess, mocking way. My eyes narrowed.

He acted like he was astounded at me, as though I had killed someone, but I wasn't that awful. He was blowing things out of proportion with his metaphors.

"What nonsense are you spouting now?" I demanded, unable to hold back my distaste, "You talk as though we are courting. I am not sure I even consider you a friend."

"That is _exactly_ what I mean," Varric said, and he was shocked by his own conviction, "You're repulsed by the very idea. No wonder you can't think anything about me!"

I blushed. He was right… again. But why was I so uncomfortable to hear it out loud?

"Why does it matter?" I demanded. "It's not like you want me as your girlfriend, do you?"

"For Maker's sake," Varric's head fell into his hands. After a moment, he raised his head again "Maybe I do?"

"What?" I snapped.

Varric waved his arms in frustration.

"Yes, maybe by some fucked up miracle of Andraste's doing… Varric Tethras realized he liked Seeker Cassandra Pentaghast for more than just her hot bod."

I blushed red, "Is that my fault?"

"Yes, now that you mention it." Varric said disgruntled, "when you made that comment in the bar about how I kissed you."

"I was drunk!" I retorted.

"So was I!" Varric said with a mocking tone, "I might as well be now. You'd never admit how you feel, even if you were drunk!"

I screwed up my face and hugged my knees.

"You're full of bullshit." I said.

"Am I?" Varric repeated, and I could tell I'd struck a nerve, "at least I have the guts to admit it. Yeah, it is total, utter bullshit, but I have feelings for you, Seeker. Are you happy now?"

"No." I muttered. I was like a spoilt child. I turned away from him "It makes no sense to me. It shouldn't make sense to you. What about Bianca?"

"Like I said, the fact I have feelings for you is a load of crap," Varric continued, "It is! I wish I could stop it but I can't. I think Bianca would understand. At least she'd understand better than you. You're too fucking proud with all your faith bullshit to admit how you feel. Don't tell me I'm wrong because I'm not this time."

I glared at Varric, and I recognized that angry expression from yesterday. The one I had wanted and cherished.

"I may be proud," I said slowly "but at least I'm not dating you, Mister Tethras."

There was a few moments when all I could hear was my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Until Varric went crazy, that is.

"Hey, look at me in the face Seeker," Varric said hurriedly, and he moved closer towards me and tried to grab my face. I hit him.

"Back off!" I yelled.

"No way," Varric tugged my jacket, "Not until you say that hurtful, childish comment to my face."

I took a deep breath and looked at Varric. I fixed on the anger and hurt in his eyes, the miserable daring of his posture. How dare he touch me.

"You're right, I am proud." I explained with disquiet, "So much so that I would never date you. There! I said it!"

"Are you spouting racist bullshit?" Varric asked slowly, his voice shaking, "Is this because I'm a dwarf? I wouldn't impress your family or some crap?"

"No, I am not racist." I said, my voice trembling. Never mind my family was long gone. I saw no reason to correct him. I pulled away, "Like you'd understand how I feel."

"_You_ don't understand how _you_ feel." Varric corrected, annoyed "Isn't that how this conversation started?"

I couldn't look at him. I refused.

"Then if it's not some fancy pants reason, what is it?" Varric queried, "Why am I so repulsive to you?"

_No, that's it._ I thought angrily _I'm done with this ridiculous banter_

I stood up "I'm going back to the campsite. Don't' follow me. This conversation is over."

I jumped up and dodged Varric's grip as he reached for me. I ran back to the campsite, down the dirty slope, through the looming trees, the night air washing all anger from my face. Running away had never felt so wonderful. Escaping death had no comparison. The campsite was drawing nearer. Echoes of conversation became apparent, but I did not slow down.

"… So your sister helped you win back your Estate?" the Inquisitor's voice was hardly distinguishable from Hawke's. "I suppose we all have our problems. My father hasn't spoken to me in years."

I skidded before the dying embers and jumped over the billows of smoke, catching my breath. The Inquisitor and Hawke quickly halted their exchange. They stared at me with near identical, lavish eyes. The moment was chilling.

"Did something happen up there?" the Inquisitor asked. I shook my head in disapproval.

"Urgh…" I groaned, hoping they'd return to silence.

I got down on my feet, crawled in my tent and locked it with unparalleled satisfaction. Hawke and the Inquisitor didn't resume their chat. More plonking of boots followed, but I was far out of reach, hidden under my sleeping bag.

"Varric, what's in the Maker's name going on?" Hawke asked.

"Another time, Hawke." Varric said, exhausted.

I heard the crunches of stone, and he entered his tent too. "And before you ask, I don't know when that will be. Don't stay up too late. I'll do the morning watch. Goodnight."

As I closed my eyes, I was haunted by his words, his truths. For once Varric was full of wisdom, and I was the snobby liar.

On the night before we reached Crestwood I, Cassandra Allegra Portia Calogera Filomena Pentaghast, made myself the biggest idiot in all of Thedas.


	6. Chapter 6

_Authors notes:_ Keep the reviews coming, people! Thank you for all who is following along. It keeps me motivated.

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><p>Shards of rock flew over my head. I ducked down behind a boulder and watched the sharp pieces of stone pierce into the ground like broken glass. Fire erupted behind me as a Rage Demon brought forth its attack. I could feel the heat pressing against my hair, weird shadows forming on the grass ahead. My ears were clogged and the clashing of attacks was distorted. Cold rain pelt on my face and splattered my vision. Steam wafted off the grass surface like fog. The watery plains of Crestwood would be a welcome change in the Forbidden Oasis, but it was not an ideal situation in combat. It made recovering difficult.<p>

The Inquisitor shot an ice arrow out of her magnificent bow. The Rage Demon elongated and stretched itself beyond its normal size as it hit. A slight chill whispered in the air. It was quite disturbing what they were capable of. The ice shattered and left shards on the ground, which the rain helped dissolve.

"Varric needs help!" the Inquisitor called. I peered around the rock. Hawke was slashing down a wraith with her sword, slashing furiously. Blood spread everywhere. I noticed Varric shooting arrows at a Desire Demon, but he was also getting flanked by the tall glowing green Wraiths. They resembled pointed sticks more than demons. It was quite confusing in this arena.

"Somebody! I'm not a fan of becoming part of a Wraith orgy!" Varric shouted, and he threw down some spikes to slow them down. It didn't do much. They were too nimble on their feet. One of them jumped on Varric. I couldn't see over the wall they'd created, but I heard Varric's cry of anguish.

I tried to see where I could join in on the fight, but the Rage Demon was still spewing fire everywhere. I took a deep breath and charged past the Demon, shield umbrella-ing me from the flames. I cringed as the hilt scorched hot, but I kept hold, and I tackled my body weight into the wraith that was stepping on Varric. It was pushed off the force of running into a mattress.

"He's _mine_ to step on!" I yelled, and I heaved at my sword. The Wraith let out a shrill cry and hit me with a slice of dark magic. I stumbled back, groaned, and buried my boots deep into the muddy ground. I couldn't be pushed back any further.

I caught eyes with Varric. He was watching me closely, but he pulled the trigger on Bianca and sprayed arrows at the wraiths surrounding him. With a series of loud pelts the wilderness was filled with screeching. Bright green light burst from the sky and illuminated the scene.

I yelled as I pushed my sword into the wraith as quickly as I could. It seemed to cough as bloody wounds opened and oozed out a sticky fluid which resembled swamp water. A golden crust had formed around the wounds like yellow puss. It had a horrible smell, but I pushed onward until it hit the ground. As I did, I saw blood spew out of the other wraiths. A very mud and blood covered Inquisitor and Hawke stood behind. Hawke had her sword, covered in green excrement.

"That's all of them," Hawke panted.

The Inquisitor looked serious and determined. Her green eyes shone as furiously as the rift in the sky.

"Good job, Cassandra." she said, and she lift her vibrant palm into the air.

Everyone watched fascinated as her palm cracked open and a beam of brilliant, emerald light sucked in from the floating web among the clouds. It was so bright it almost resembled white. It contrasted the rain and made the sky streak black lines. Rain continued to splatter on my face as my heartbeat pounded in my head. There was a deafening explosion and the sky resumed its depressing, dark, grey state.

Hawke gave a sigh of relief. The grass was a lot harder to see in the misty dark.

"Who would have thought destroying rifts was so wonderful to watch?" she asked. I laughed.

"You'll get used to it."

"I never can," Varric said, "The light hurts my eyes."

I ignored him completely.

"We can set up camp over that mountain range." the Inquisitor said. She wiped some of the mud off her bow. "With any luck the rain will get all the mess off."

"How far is this Grey Warden friend of yours?" I asked Hawke. She walked in front of us.

"Once we set up camp it isn't far," she assured me, "Let's go."

As we did, I kept well away from the group. Varric amused Hawke with some stories of Haven. The Inquisitor seemed to be enjoying the scenery. I found enjoyment in plodding through the muddy, wet grass. Every step, I pretended I was squashing Varric like the Wraiths had been.

* * *

><p>Once we arrived The Inquisitor left to send word to the rest of the squad to meet at this spot. We could set up camp now the pathway was safe.<p>

I sat on the damp grass and wished I had a novel to read, even if it was Sword and Shields. Varric was wondering about the trees, looking bored. Hawke said something to him and then she approached me.

"I'm hoping the undead didn't turn you into one of their own." she said.

I shook my head.

"It is nothing compared to fights I'd had previously."'

"You are very strong." Hawke agreed. She looked strangely masculine with a sopping wet face, "I was hoping you'd be open to talking about Varric."

I was already still, but I felt myself freeze all the more.

"Why do I need to discuss him?" I asked, growing annoyed "Can I not sit here in peace?"

"No, that's impossible right now," Hawke smiled in a morbid fashion, "The Inquisitor specifically asked me to uncover the information. She told me you assured her you'd deal with conflict – what was the word – in a _sensible_ way."

A lump in my throat appeared. I had connected these dots last night but now the guilt was settling in.

"Yes, she's right." I said calmly, "I did not do as I promised. I apologize."

"Say your sorrys to the glowing palm lady, not me." Hawke said. She placed a hand on my leg. "I promise I won't tell him. I would like to see us all get along. Is everything alright?"

I was so pleased to see genuine, earnest concern in Hawke's face that I almost could have mistaken her for family. I glanced to where Varric had been to make sure he wasn't listening, but he was nowhere to be seen. I shook my head.

_No. I am very far from alright_. I wanted to say.

"Can I ask what the problem is?" Hawke said

I sighed. I noticed a flower in the grass, and I picked it out of the ground.

"I have… feelings for Varric I do not want to confront." I said plainly

"Oh, sounds complicated." Hawke sighed, "Good or bad?"

My lip curled. Whether it was a smile or frown, I could not say.

"Both."

"If there's good in there – that's promising," Hawke nodded, "You seem overly …reserved with him."

"Yes, I am." is all I said.

Varric's words had been replaying in my mind for most of the travelling time. It was more than just words and sentences aimlessly dancing in my mind. I couldn't stop remembering our kiss in the bar. How much emotion had been bursting from our souls. It was almost unquantifiable. I am not usually one to linger on such matters, and this greatly disturbed me.

I felt like I was becoming a monster, turning into a being I had no control over. This was the bad. The good _was_ the bad. There were so many repressed memories with similar connotations. Love, passion, daring… it would all end in ruin.

Hawke didn't say anything. She just sat next to me and watched the plitter platter of the rain trickling off trees and increasing the puddles on the ground. There were smudges in the road from where our boots had been.

"If you feel something nice for Varric, don't you think he'd want to know?" Hawke asked.

I balanced my head on my knees.

"I don't expect you to understand my concerns over courting him. I don't know if I should use such a word," I said slowly, "I know he is a greater friend of yours than I. I do not wish to cause offense."

"Cassandra, it's bloody Varric. He is the very definition of causing offense," Hawke grinned, "Maybe if you tell me it will make the thoughts easier to process."

"You have a point." I nodded. I raised my head. I felt a lot calmer. It suddenly didn't feel as cold even though my clothes were muddy and wet. "I appreciate your attempts to understand me."

"It is just an attempt." Hawke smiled.

I took a deep breath. Again, I checked to see Varric was not present. He wasn't.

"I have a very urgent concern that if I courted Varric that something would go wrong. I am more concerned of him dying while scouting these lands than anything else. I have lost too much in my life. I am tired of seeing people die, especially after Haven. That's why I would prefer to lie then give him the honest truth. It is too much of a risk to my ideals. It is far too soul destroying to encounter death at every turn. I wonder when my personality will disappear entirely. It is almost horrible to say, I feel it fading every day."

"Death is a horrible, unavoidable thing," Hawke agreed, "It certainly makes it harder to concentrate when you're in love. It makes it harder to make the right decisions. It puts you in emotional danger as well as physical in these parts."

"I'm not sure 'love' is adequate of a word. It is too strong," I said, and then it properly sunk in that I was discussing this with the Champion of Kirkwall, "I'm so sorry. You had someone too, did you not? I vaguely remember Varric mention a mage named Anders. I wondered how much of it was true, however."

"Yes, we had some wonderful times together," Hawke smiled, "We split up for our own safety. Anders mind is very fragile and vulnerable to intrusion. It wouldn't make sense to take down Corypheus with him."

"Are you happy about it?" I asked her, desperate to hear the answer. Out of all their adventures I'd heard through Varric, I had never been so interested to know the truth.

"I didn't want to do it. Neither did he. It killed us both on the inside, but I think it was for the best,"

"Do you know where he is?" I asked.

Hawke smiled shrewdly and shook her head.

"He's probably somewhere new every day. Hiding. Disappearing with puffs of smoke," she said, "I imagine when this whole thing with Corypheus has rolled over maybe he would come see me. He promised he would, anyhow. I just hope he'd not dead."

"It must keep you worrying every day," I said sadly, "It is impressive that you are able to concentrate and fight with such courage with such thoughts accompanying you."

"After you've been through enough with someone I think you just adjust to it." Hawke said, "I often wonder if the worry will ever leave. I fear the nightmares will haunt me forever."

"They will disappear if you distance yourself from the experience for long enough," I said slowly, "I don't explain this to many people, but I lost my family at a young age. The nightmares used to feel like they would swallow me up in my sleep. When I woke, I would always be trembling and weeping. I often wondered why I was still alive. It was like a demon constantly following me."

"It's terrible, isn't it?"

Hawke's eyes shone with interest. I could see she was distressed as well as hopeful. I nodded.

"It took a decade or more for them to subside. Sometimes sleep is still difficult. I had a mage friend too when I was small. He was a lover. I should be more precise. He used to be a comfort to me when my sleep was eradicated. He was kind like you. Sweet and dedicated… it broke my heart to hear he died in the Conclave. I remember when Leliana passed me a list of the deceased, my whole body shook. I wanted to murder all involved. The nightmares came back as though they never left. My Seeker training helps me cope with these feelings, but not all the time. Sometimes it is beyond control or reason. I must simply endure. Is that what it's like for you?"

"I'm not surprised you've been through a lot. You must have to be part of the Inquisition," Hawke rationalized, "I don't have much family left, either. The memories of my mother still give me chills."

"Do you think your romantic adventures with Anders were worth the trouble?" I inquired. "That is, I admit, my worst fear with Varric…That perhaps it will be a convoluted mistake that I wish to drown with my enemies."

"Honestly? It was the only thing that got me through." Hawke resolved, "on the days and nights where I wanted to give up, he gave me something to hold onto."

"Hope. Is that correct?" I said. Hawke nodded.

"Yes. That isn't so much of a bad thing, is it?"

"No." I smiled at The Champion. I had never been so grateful for a companion on this trip. "I feel a lot better now that I've talked to you. It is nice to feel emphasized with."

"I know you don't think Varric is so charming right now," Hawke started, "but he keeps secrets too. I'm sure he could do with some emphasizing as well. Just a thought."

_Bianca_, I thought immediately. It must have shown in my face. Hawke stood up and peered in the distance.

"I see horses, and it isn't the enemy," she said, delighted, "The rest of the team is here!"

"Yes!" I cried out happily. A warm fire, shelter and some food was desperately needed.

Hawke disappeared.

* * *

><p>As I assisted the rest of the Inquisitor's team set up tents and tables, a shadow of a short person became visible in the corner of my eye. I didn't need to hear his voice to know who it was.<p>

"Good afternoon, Varric." I said calmly.

Varric grabbed some nails and began to pin one into the ground.

"Oh, are you talking to _me_? I thought you were making friends with the trees." he said, a hint of sarcasm in his voice.

I sighed and bent down to help him keep the tent straight.

"No, although the trees would be a lot more interesting." I said plainly.

Varric gave a weak smile, like he was forcing it out of his system.

"You might want to keep your distance," he advised seriously, "I wouldn't want you to vomit at the sight of me."

"To vomit I would have to eat first." I smiled.

Varric refused to look at me. An understandable reaction considering the things I said. I let go of the tent and approached a horse to take more luggage.

"Fine. If you do not wish to talk to me, I shall concern myself with other matters." I said.

I didn't speak to Varric until after our encounter with the Grey Warden.

* * *

><p>"Why do you think he is not talking to me?" I hissed at Hawke as we ate.<p>

The Inquisitor was keeping herself busy preparing food with the other members of the team. The increased number made talking in private easier to do. It had a familiar feeling of being far from home. The constant bustle of feet and crackling of a fire helped.

Hawke shrugged.

"He's one of the male specimen." she said as she ripped some rabbit meat off a skewer, "You might just have to wait a bit."

"I don't' like waiting," I said frustrated, "I'd rather get things done."

"Have you tried approaching him?"

I hesitated, "I'd fear I'd make him uncomfortable."

Hawke laughed.

"What is so hilarious?" I muttered.

Hawke wiped her mouth with her sleeve.

"Oh, sorry… it's just you're in an awkward situation, so of course there is going to be uncomfortable feelings. I don't think it's something you can avoid. You just have to go for it."

I hesitated. Perhaps she had a point.

"If _I_ was Varric I'd avoid you like a dragon on top a building,"

"Varric told you what I said, didn't he?" I said ashamed.

Hawke stopped laughing and chewed her food, "Whoops. Did I make it that obvious?"

"Agreeing with his stance gave it away." I said shrewdly, "No matter. I'll talk to him after this."

"I'd say go enjoy the sunset, but there isn't any!" Hawke laughed.

I groaned. "You're lucky you're the Champion of Kirkwall, or I'd have introduced the back of your head to my shield."


	7. Chapter 7

It was surprisingly difficult to find where Varric had placed his tent since there were so many in the area that looked identical. It seemed like he had abandoned the camp fire, as he was not telling stories in a loud voice. I had no choice but to ask for the Inquisitor's help.

"Excuse me, Inquisitor – if you have a moment." I began.

The Inquisitor wished away the Lace Harding and crossed her arms.

"What can I do for you, Cassandra?" she smiled.

I bit the inside of my mouth.

"I am searching for Varric. Do you know where I could find him?"

"I'll get him for you. He went for a walk." the Inquisitor said.

"I can go walking too if that would be easiest."

"Don't worry about it." the Inquisitor said.

She vanished. I waited by sitting on a spare chair. I watched Varric stomping out of some trees next to the Inquisitor. Varric look displeased.

"You want me to talk to _her_?" I heard him say, "I'd rather endure a Quanari fight all over again than cope with her crap."

I crossed my legs and turned away, pretending I wasn't listening.

"_She_ wants to talk to _you,_" The Inquisitor specified, "Are you going to reject her offer?"

Varric sighed, "I'll take one for the team."

"Thank you, Varric." the Inquisitor said. She left. I tried to look politely intrigued as his voice entered my ears.

"I think I might be going crazy, but the Inquisitor tells me you wish to engage me in something called _conversation_. I don't know if you've heard of it," Varric said, and he pulled up a chair, "Tell me – do you smell alcohol on my breath?"

"No." I feigned surprise, "It is nice to see you too."

Varric crossed his arms. He looked displeased. His voice oozed of suspicion.

"What do you want to tell me?"

"I would like to apologize for the cruel things I said to you last night," I explained, and I found it difficult to stop my mouth from smiling. It was somewhat a relief to hear his voice again. It was hard to contain my contentment, "It was something that should have never come out of my mouth. For that I am sorry."

Varric looked puzzled, "You do realize it's like you're apologizing for castrating me, right?"

I gave a short laugh, "I would _not_ do something like that."

"I wouldn't put it past you, given the appropriate circumstances," Varric rest his chin on his hand, "I can't help but wonder if you have an ulterior motive. It seems oddly out of character for you to apologize. I know the Inquisitor wasn't happy about the fact we fought…"

"The Inquisitor has nothing to do with this," I interrupted him sharply. "It was out of the goodness of my heart."

Varric snorted, "A heart? You humour me. Did you buy one from a Skyhold merchant?"

I took a deep breath to resist lashing out and insulting him yet again.

"I need to be honest with you, Varric," I began, "You must know I lied to you in order to protect myself."

Surprise washed over Varric's features. He looked interested. Happy, even… it was always hard to look away from that golden hue of his eyes, even in the camp fire light. It reminded me of when we had lunch together.

"You can knock me out with a punch. I don't see what you have to protect yourself from," he gave a short laugh as his voice trailed off. The dwarf's old self was returning. The one that wasn't bitter and hurt.

I sighed.

"I don't like sharing my hardships with anyone, for they are mine and the Maker's to bear," I said solemnly, "I would however, like you to know that I care for you. Very much."

"The Maker has to deal with everyone's crap," Varric said, with a wave of his hand, "I think you'd be doing Him a favour my offloading your troubles on to me."

I hesitated. A familiar fear returned in my chest, "I would prefer not to discuss it with you tonight. Another time, perhaps."

"Would you like to trade secrets for secrets again?" Varric asked, and he raised his eyebrows at me. I chuckled. I could feel a slight blush rising to my face.

"Not tonight, Varric. It has been a long day."

"Yeah. Every bloody day is long with the Inquisition," Varric said, "At least with Hawke I got to go drinking and stuff."

I smiled, "Hawke is a nice lady. You were lucky to meet her."

"That I was," Varric agreed, "Wait, does this mean you take back what you said?"

"Did I not make that clear?"

I caught his eye and observed a gentle pleading. He was desperate to know, just trying to hide it. I simply nodded in response. Varric sighed in relief.

"That's good to know," he breathed.

I moved my chair an inch closer. Other details sunk into his being, "Wait, if you are not repelled by me… if that was a lie… then what the hell _do_ you think of me?"

"I'm not sure." I admitted, and I edged my chair closer again. This time Varric noticed. I caught a flash of his eyes darting to the ground. "Would you be open to continuing where we left off in the bar?"

Part of me was astounded I'd asked him, but the other half wasn't. Now that I had admitted I harboured concerns, a lot of the fear had dissipated. Varric seemed shocked I had been so forward. His eyes darted around.

"Really? Here? In front of all these people?" he asked, "I don't know, Seeker."

I smiled. I felt a great deal of admiration for him, and not just because I wanted to pull his head out of his ass. He was truly a sweet man. He just gave the illusion of being petty. This was one of his positive qualities, I decided. I moved my chair an inch closer. Now the legs were almost touching.

"Since when do you care if other people are looking at you?" I probed, "You are usually surrounded by onlookers."

Varric hesitated. His eyes nervously avoided mine.

"Since I started not hating you?" he suggested.

I laughed.

"You're the romance writer, Varric – even if that is not your preferred genre. Why don't you be honest about it? That's what you do best."

Varric fidgeted in his chair, "Fine, okay… um… when I began to get complacent with you?"

"Come on, Varric. I don't think _complacency_ is what I saw in your eyes that night." I grinned. Watching him struggle with words, when he was usually so well equip, was very funny.

Varric groaned.

"You're just teasing me, aren't you?" he said.

I laughed, "I'm surprised it took you so long to notice."

Varric gave a nervous laugh. He had gotten a little pink, "You're just full of surprises, aren't you Seeker?"

"I don't know," I brushed Varric's hand "Perhaps you just don't know me very well."

"True." Varric agreed. He nervously fiddled with some of his chest hair, "Well, if it makes things any easier for you, Seeker, you can tease me anytime."

"Trust me. There is nothing I would enjoy more." I said sneakily.

Varric laughed. He slowly bent forward and kissed me on the cheek. Since we were sitting it made our height difference less pronounced. I smiled wider. I didn't mind that people could see – given how quickly gossip spreads all of Thedas probably knew of our fight. I feigned disappointment.

"I was expecting a better kiss than that from the author of Sword and Shields." I grinned.

Varric's eyes widened, "Wait, you _read_ that piece of garbage?"  
>"Smut is garbage," I said, "I happen to enjoy it."<p>

"_There's_ something I didn't know about you," he ran a hand over my leg, "Miss Pengtaghast has a secret love for the writing of the person she hates most."

"Perhaps this shows I like the very small, dirty part of your brain." I admitted, getting more surprised at myself with every word, "Perhaps I will not be as disillusioned by your tastes as you'd think."

"Don't get your hopes up," Varric warned, "I've been out of practice for a while."

"I don't think you'd disappoint me," I said truthfully, "You kiss very well."

Varric grinned, and then he tried to settle down.

"Are you being serious or are you teasing me again?" he wondered, slowly, "I don't know how far you'd… It's driving me mad."

"Good."

I took a chance and kissed him on the cheek. His stubble poked at my lips in an uncomfortable way. I tried to avoid it though. Varric was very red, but it looked like he was trying to contain his excitement.

"Don't do this to me, Seeker!" he blurted out inanely.

"If we are going to tease each other like this," I began, "I'd prefer it if you called me by my real name. How would you like me to address you?"

"No need to be coy. I can't give myself my own nickname, Cassandra!" Varric protested.

I smiled. It was nice to hear him rid me of my nickname. I ran a hand through his hair.

"You're right. I will have to do some thinking," I stood out of my chair, "Thank you for your company, Mister Tethras. I'll be heading to bed now. I'll see you in the morning."

I saw Varric's eyes twitch at the words 'thinking', 'bed' and 'morning' and I knew I'd done my job.

"G-Goodnight," he stuttered, taken aback, "I appreciate your lengthy apology, C-Cassandra."

I grinned as I strode very proud back to my tent. Even though the air was thick with dampness, I slept peacefully that night. It was assuring to know I was no longer an idiot in my own eyes.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes<em>: How's that for a cliffhanger? Mwahaha!


	8. Chapter 8

"Two down!" I shouted, as I struggled to keep my focus.

A wraith fell to its knees as stopped moving as it should. But there was always more. The pelts of arrows and the clashing of swords from Varric, Hawke and the Inquisitor had become white noise at this point. The rain had numbed my face from any further stimulation. I was ready for it to end.

_What number rift was this today? The second? Third?_

"ARGH!" I screamed and I dug into the flimsy demon flesh. Blood spurt on my armour and quickly washed off. I stumbled as some muscles cramped.

My muscles ached. It felt like I'd be hacking at this Lesser Terror for hours, even though I'd just started. Were the others as tired as I was?

I was usually very able to fight for extended periods without problems. With every swipe of my sword, I felt it grow heavier. My senses grew weaker. The sound began to fade out while more irritating noises took its place. The screeching was deafening. I couldn't feel my legs. When I saw the Inquisitor's mouth move, but not hear a sound I knew something was wrong.

It happened very fast. I felt a draining feeling spread from my head to the tips of my toes. It was like I was turning to stone. Cold and lifeless. The green light above my head seemed to make fluro, multi colored halos appear aound my friends heads. My vision blurred.

I saw the Inquisitor catch my eye from the distance as she brought down a Wraith.

"Cassandra, what's wrong?" she called. The sound flickered in and out of focus.

"Nothing's wrong." I began to say, but nothing came out of my mouth. With a flurry of color the Lesser Terror dug its claws through my armour. I looked down and saw a gash tear open on my clothing. Blood began to seep. There was absolutely no sensation.

The world went black.

* * *

><p>When my consciousness returned I had an bizarre sense that I was falling. I understood why moments later. The pain rushed back as though I was getting wounded all over again. I screamed and my eyes snapped open, revealing the faint light of a lantern and the white tent ceiling. The pain was unbearable. I was lying on the ground, but it felt like my body was sinking into the floor like an anchor.<p>

"Cassandra! Cassandra! What's the matter?" came a voice.

"Stop her yelling."

I felt a cold hand touch my face. My eyes focused and I saw Hawke peering down at me. Her eyes were filled with concern. Her face was pale.

"Cassandra, you're safe," she said, "Whatever happened out there, or in your head, is not happening now."

"Huh?" I made an unintelligible sound.

My surroundings became clearer. I was inside one of the larger tents in camp. Cold sweat drenched my face. I was shaking.

"What happened?" The Inquisitor asked, hurrying over. Bandages were wrapped around her neck. She looked white as chalk.

"I think I must have fainted," I said slowly, "I could be dehydrated or overheated. I do not know."

"These things happen." The Inquisitor said, "I'm just sorry it had to happen out there. What can we do?"

"I think rest would be best." I said. I breathed slowly, trying to regain my mental stability. We had been fighting. What happened after?

"Is everyone safe?" I asked, panic rising in my voice. "Did the rift close?"

The Inquisitor and Hawke looked at each other.

"It did, but we had to make a run for it," the Inquisitor explained, "There was some bad injuries."

"As you collapsed one of those bastards got you in the stomach," Hawke pointed, and I felt bandages around my torso, "We will have to stay here for a few days while we recover."

"I'm sorry I was not strong enough," I said through gritted teeth, "If I was quicker to think perhaps…."

"This could have happened to anyone," the Inquisitor affirmed strongly, "Just be grateful you're not dead."

The Inquisitor left the tent, and a light crackle of fire in lanterns could be heard.

"Don't mind the Inquisitor. She's just way too busy," Hawke noted. She sat down beside me and handed me a glass of water.

"Drink it." she commanded. I nodded and slowly sat up so I could replenish my fluids. The water was delightfully cold. It wasn't enough that it numbed my teeth, but the right temperature to sooth the raspy feeling in my throat, and the fog in my brain. I sighed. The pain was uncomfortable, but not debilitating. I was thankful for that. I glanced around, and I realized who was missing.

"Where is Varric?" I wondered. Hawke flinched. She bit her lip.

"You don't want to know." she said darkly. I gave her a disapproving look.

"Please, Hawke," I said softly. Hawke analysed my expression for a second, then sighed.

"He came off worse than you. After that demon brought you down he panicked and went overboard with… let's call it enthusiasm… tried to take on too many at once. You can probably guess what happened."

"That imbecile," I breathed, trying to contain my outrage. It didn't work. I yelled and almost jumped out of the sleeping bag "Where is that pathetic excuse of a man? I must speak to him immediately!"

"He specifically requested he be put in a separate tent to you." Hawke said hurriedly, and she put up her hands as a peace sign "We agreed it was best. Please, Cassandra – you must try to be reasonable - he didn't mean any harm."

"That is precisely why I cannot forgive him!" I shouted, "He was a fool. A martyr. He had no control over himself! He deserved what he got!"

"What you're doing now is just as bad," Hawke warned, "Settle down, Cassandra!"

I punched the floor and felt my knuckles crack. It was painful, but not nearly as awful as the pounding in my heart or the wrenched, wrecked feeling of my stomach.

"You're right, I am being preposterous." I sighed. I looked at my hands, observed the nasty cracks and jagged lines. These hands had caused many deaths, but they were not needed for that now. I took a few deep breaths.

"You obviously care for him," Hawke noted. She sat down next to me and crossed her legs. I noticed she was not wearing much. She had taken off her armour to apply dressings and presses. There was a horrid black bruise that zig zagged up her thigh. The pronounced, purple blood vessels indicated dark magic. It almost looked atrophied. I put my head in my hands.

"Maker help me. Maker help us all." I rubbed my temples, but all I felt was a numbing pain from my hands, "Humanity is doomed if we let our emotions run out of control so easily."

"You sound like Anders." Hawke laughed, "Speaking of ideals and justice – pretending you know how the world should be run. You can't latch reigns on the world, Cassandra. It will only whip you back twice as hard."

"How would you know?" I spat through gritted teeth, "If we do not have our ideals we may as well not try at all!"

Hawke leaned close to me. She had a cheeky smile on her lips. A knowing expression… it reminded me of the Divine. Before the conclave I had hoped for peace, now I was unsure. I could not let myself succumb to these fantasies and chaotic qualms. Hawke spoke in the most beautiful way. She believed in every word, I could tell without question. I almost believed she might hold me.

"I know the mental fight is not worth having…" she began, "because I fell in love with an apostate mage with a split personality. I continue to love him despite his faults and wrongdoings. Did Varric tell you he brought the Chantry to ashes? Such an action was world changing – any reasonable person would have abandoned him to wallow in his insanity. I, however, saw it fit to stay at his side. It isn't because I worshiped him like a God, but because I could feel compassion for his sufferings. Hardships and mistakes are not necessarily a bad thing, Cassandra. I have found it expands my joy for the things that are simple and untainted."

"You are very wise for someone so young," I said after a while, "I suppose I am angry because I expected Varric to make the smart decision. If he hadn't run to me, he probably could have helped us escape without needing days to recover."

"You might be right," Hawke agreed, "Still, no one sustained any lasting injuries. That is the important thing."

"I suppose I am forgetting what is important." I said softly.

_Varric's welfare is important. That is what I am so afraid of losing._

"Forgive me, Hawke, but I cannot hold back from asking. Did you believe your mage lover was insane?" I questioned.

Hawke laughed, but quickly stifled it, "He is no more crazy than you or me. He just made it more obvious than some." The Champion looked over her shoulder, "If I let you see Varric, will you promise not to stab him?"

I gave an appreciative snicker, "You know I can't promise that."

We caught each other's eye and laughed. The moment of seriousness vanished as quickly as one of those rifts. It burned my ribs but it eased my conscious. I am glad she could tell I was joking.

"He's just in the tent opposite," Hawke advised, "Don't break a leg."

I took three times as long getting to my feet, but it was nice to have Hawke assist me.

"I don't think it could be any worse than yours," I smiled, as she saw me out.

* * *

><p>The moment where I stumbled to Varric's tend was refreshing in the cold. The rain had subsided a little. It was very dark and lanterns were positioned around the campsite. It must be quite late. I almost fell as I walked inside. The peace was sadly short lived.<p>

I brought a hand to my mouth. What looked like a burned corpse was lying on a sleeping bag with ice layered on his body. A requisition officer was sitting beside him with a mug of tea. He looked up at me.

"Coming to take over, are you?" he grumbled. I nodded.

"Indeed. You may leave now." I instructed.

The requisition officer sighed, "Thank goodness. I thought I was going to fall asleep."

I nodded and he left. I approached Varric's side. The ice on his body was melting quite rapidly. As the water trickled down the sides of his torso and dripped onto the ground, it mixed with blood and turned red. He was completely unrecognisable. His eyelids were swollen and the thick, winding gashes on his body had oozed and covered him in a sheet of blood and crusty yellow puss. It had dried over. The blood was black and thick as wood. I could see parts of his skin were peeling underneath this horrid mess. As a result it looked like he had multiple layers of plastic on him. It smelled awful. That swamp water looking liquid was weeping out of some sores that were constantly blistering over. I watched one burst and then start to fill up again from underneath. It looked like the Registration officer had attempted to cut away some of his clothing, but given up half way through. Bandages were lazily pasted on. It must be glued together.

"Am I dead?" Varric said in a croaky voice after a while. I shook my head, and registered that he wouldn't have seen.

"You may appear dead, but you are not." I advised him. Varric heaved and breathed loudly.

"Not very attractive seeing me like this, eh Seeker?" he blurted out. I smiled weakly. Indeed. It was not a good look for him, and I didn't think he was well groomed to begin with.

"You are often horrendous. This is not much of a change." I smiled. Varric laughed, but then he coughed and spluttered.

"Ah, I never thought I'd wish you wouldn't make me laugh," he said quietly. I leaned closer to him, but it was difficult as it smelled putrid. I tried very hard to ignore it.

"You already made a mistake," I ranted on, "Do you know what that was?"

Varric hesitated. I am not sure he heard me.

"Cassandra?" he murmured.

_That_, I wanted to say. _You forgot to call me by my name. _But it seemed so petty when Varric was in such a difficult position. I pushed it to the back of my mind.

"What is it, you silly dwarf?" I queried. I saw a small smile reach Varric's lips.

"It's nice to know fainting didn't damage your brain."

"No fight could stop me," I assured him, "Besides, you've already damaged my brain enough."

Varric coughed, "Is that good?"

I felt very sad for him. I reached around and found some bandages. I used them to soak up the melted ice. Varric flinched as I did this.

"Don't touch it," he said, "If you remove the nasty bits it'll just ooze all over again."

My heart sunk as I recognized how self-destroying this must be for Varric.

"Will it go away?" I asked. Varric gave a shuddering breath.

"Yes, when the wounds heal. Apparently it should all fall away." he sniffed, "Nasty spell. I don't want to look when it comes off. I don't want you around either."

I paused as I dabbed off some blood and tossed the soaked bandage aside.

"I have never seen anything like it," I murmured. I didn't like admitting this, but it was the honest truth. I may have seen people's body parts separated from their bodies. I have seen people die right before my eyes, and blood splattered all over the floor. I might have seen these frightful things countless times in my nightmares, but nothing as horrid as this. The mixture of different body fluids brought it all to a new level. I was very grateful the Inquisitor and Hawke had not left him to die.

"I know what I did was stupid," Varric confessed, "but I blame you for inspiring that stupidity."

"How is your idiocy my doing?" I wondered.

Varric hesitated. He smiled, "Because I like you more than I should. A hell of a lot more, actually."

My heart pound in my chest and a pink flush rose to my cheeks. I was happy Varric couldn't see me. I felt tears form in my eyes. Familiar feelings of when my family died returned to me. Then the images came as clearly as when they occurred. I saw my brother in Varric. I saw my mother. I saw my father. I saw that list of the deceased and my shaking hands. I saw Leliana's eyes widen as she asked me what was wrong. I remembered not being able to answer. I recalled not being able to move my legs or feel my own heart in my chest.

It took a moment to realize I was weeping. The high pitched sobs were broken by shuddering breaths, but I was crying all the same. Tears ran through my fingers and stung as they penetrated the lesions on my hands. I wanted nothing more than this pain to end. This grief was something I had been plagued by my whole life. Maybe it wouldn't matter if Varric died. I would feel this sad no matter what I tried to do to calm myself. Perhaps my unstable mind would always be so.

Varric had gone completely quiet. I was so distraught I couldn't wonder about it. My throat seared with pain as the tears continued.

After about ten minutes there was a break in my sobs, and Varric responded.

"What plagues your mind, Cassandra?" he asked sensitively, "Did the Maker throw all your bullshit back in your face at once?"

"Y-Yes," I blubbered. I wiped my eyes, but it hurt to move, "He sometimes likes to do that to me."

"It is one of His many sick games," Varric said. I tried to avoid looking at him for fear it would trigger the memories again. I fixated at a spot on the floor.

"I'm sorry, Varric," I said calmly, "I do not wish to trouble you with my sad stories."

"All my books end with tragedy. I am well accustomed to the emotion. In fact, I revel in it." he admitted, "Surely you don't think I'm that judgemental?"

I didn't answer. I stared at the floor.

"I won't be going anywhere for a while." Varric's voice droned like he was finally tired of speaking, "If there's anything you would like to say now is your best chance."

I tried to regain my stamina. I put one of the bandages away and slowly wrapped a hand cautiously around one of Varric's. There were cuts all along it. I hoped it did not hurt.

With a joy I could not describe, I felt and saw as Varric's fingers curled around my own. He was very warm considering the state he was in. He held my hand there, and I watched. I couldn't look at his wounds any longer.

"You are too kind," I said bashfully, "I am contemplating where to start."

"Which part makes you the most boastful?" Varric suggested. I searched my memories of where to begin.

"There was a tall mage. He was covered in an expensive brand of chainmail. Silver, with thick ringlets of gold scattered throughout it. He was riding a black horse. Its coat was like silk. It blended so impeccably with the night sky. I was pulling my brother by the sleeve. He had been put under a spell and was not in a state to think peacefully."

"Sounds familiar," Varric noted. I nodded and continued, staring at Varric's hand encased in mine.

"'Anthony, what are you doing?' I had asked him. He did not reply. He had an emptiness in his eyes. There was grey in his eyeballs as though he was made blind. I did not like how it looked. I turned to the mage. He was circling me on his horse. He had his staff pointed at my face.

'Let your brother go and I'll spare your life' he warned. His voice was very smooth. I imagined he must be quite handsome underneath his mask and armour. But that is not important. He sounded very angry. The tip of his staff filled with light and illuminated the dark gardens of my parents castle. The flowers looked deranged and wilted. 'If you don't let him go, I'll kill you both'. I had lost my weapon some time ago from attacking his reinforcements, so I was in no position to banter. I let go of Anthony and screamed at him.

'Run, Anthony!' I said. I pushed him, to try and make him move, but stumbled forward a little bit. 'Please!'

I realized my endeavours were pointless. The next part happened very slow. It was like the Maker was trying to torture me, like He knew I would never forget this. I watched as a wound in my brother's neck burst open. I saw the blood vessels splinter. His bones cracked. The skin tore and left a ragged rim around his head. The light from the mage's staff only made the scene look more horrific. It made the picture and colour sharper. Blood splattered on my face and i tasted some in my mouth. It dripped over my eyes and stained my clothes.

Anthony's eyes did not change. He was already dead, I realized. His soul had already been taken by the Maker… long ago. His head fell onto the pavement first, then his body. I felt like it was no longer happening to me. I screamed, but I thought it was someone else screaming. Maybe someone who had seen… but there was nothing… the mage laughed. He knocked me over with his horse as he left. 'Pointless crap' he said. I cried until I could cry no longer, until my voice ceased. It is one of many memories I cannot rid myself of. His death is what made me want to become a Seeker"

"And I thought my brother was bad." Varric sighed, "You remember the story, don't you?"

"I do," I replied sincerely, as my heart beat began to settle "I often feel like my pain is isolated to me. Even though you have been kind and listened to me, I do not think you understand."

"Of course I can't. No one should have to go through crap like that, but some do every day. You and I are a special case," Varric explained. "I can relate to feeling like you have no family left."

"It seems like a lot of people with the Inquisition do," I said, "Thank you, Varric. That will do for now."

"Don't be so hasty," Varric said, "for your bravery I think you've earned yourself a Bianca story."

I grinned so wide my mouth hurt. I never thought Varric would share more of the details with me. That could mean we had gotten closer. All teasing had its reward, it seemed.

"I want to tell you how I asked her out," he muttered, "It will contrast that horrific tale of yours."

"How romantic," I quelled, "I wonder if it is as crude as I imagine."

Varric chuckled, "Ouch. Let me tell the story, then you can make up your mind."


	9. Chapter 9

_Author's notes:_ a short chapter, but I hope you like it!

* * *

><p>Varric had an abnormally high regard for Tuesdays because that was when he met Bianca Davri. It was 15 years prior, and Varric better fit the title of wealthy surface dwarf then. His hair was shorter and his chest hair was not so prominent, so he kept himself covered with robes.<p>

The sun wasn't overly bright, but he liked it that way. Golden autumn leaves littered the beige Hightown pavements. It was ideal weather for strolling in the merchant's area, trying to resist purchasing every second item. He did his usual rounds, nodding and saying hello to those he knew well. This was the easiest way to kill time when there was nothing to do.

"Bodahn!" Varric grinned. "How's business treating you today?"

Bodahn's skin was less wrinkled, but otherwise his features were identical to present.

"Well, thank you Varric. I have been selling every new item I've stocked. It's keeping food on the table. Would you like to take a look at anything?" Bodahn asked.

Varric smiled at the table. The salesman's gear was well crafted, but nothing he was desperate for.

"Nah – just trying to kill time during lunch. The usual deal." Varric replied.

"I see – well today is a good day to be out! Have you seen the new girl?" he asked.

Varric's eyebrow raised. "There's a new _girl_, did you say? A female?'

"Indeed, sire. She's just taken that vacant spot in the corner. The one Aaron left. She must be needing coin. Maybe you could drop past and say hello." He smiled and gave a jovial wink at Varric.

"If it's a girl needing coin I think I know where I'm spending my money," Varric grinned. "Thanks for the tip, Bodahn."

"My pleasure, Mister Tethras. Best of luck"

As it was a more naïve time in Varric's life, his hormones were within what you'd expect for a young man: overly focused on courting the ladies.

He cleared his throat and ran a hand nervously through his hair as he approached the corner. It had been empty the past few weeks, it was weird to see it busy again.

Slowly the newbie's desk came into view. A few people were scattered around. It wasn't the sword the girl was wielding which held his attention, but the rough quality of her voice.

"The shape of the Hilt is perfect for manoeuvring in a hurry. Great for smaller enemies and nice if you want to move quickly to your destination."

_Damn, she'd sound awesome in bed_ – Varric thought. He smiled as he got the full view.

The newcomer had short blonde hair she kept tied at the back of her head with large poppy pins. Blue eyes, pale skin, sharp features with a pointed nose. Varric was extremely taken by the piercings in her ears. She was covered in brown robes – probably cured hide - decorated with linen thread. There was a hood to complete the look.

_She must be the type to be sneaky._ Varric presumed. _the only others who wear hoodies are criminals, which I seriously doubt she is._

"What materials did you use?" an elderly man asked. The girl smiled.

"Only the best quality, sir. The blade is silverite, while the hilt is white steel. Makes it so it won't snap off for a good few decades with heavy usage, if at all"

_Oh yes, keep talking_. Varric thought happily. He could listen to her all day long.

"Do you have anything made of Dragonbone?" Varric queried.

The girl stared at him, eyes wide, as though he was a ghost. She smiled.

"I only design weapons with Dragonbone on request," she explained "There's too much a risk of the materials being stolen otherwise."

"You're very smart," Varric grinned. "Most folk round here are greedy. They just take what they can find."

"You must have idiots for friends," she smiled, and there was a condescending glare in her eyes. Varric didn't take offense.

"Wait, did you say you _design_ these weapons?" he asked. The girl nodded.

"Sure do. Been doing it for a while now – I learned off my dad."

Varric couldn't believe it. This girl must be some kind of miracle on legs.

"This I gotta see," he said and he reached the table, staring at the few swords and bows present. They were brilliantly polished. She must take good care of them. The elderly man from before expressed interest in the sword…

'150 gold" she said.

Varric didn't care what the old geezer had to say. He wanted to find out more about this smith. He had about 45 minutes before he had to be back at the Hanged Man to seek out more information and spot troublemakers. These customers better back off.

Varric observed what the girl had on display, and spotted some daggers. They had been his weapon of choice for a few years – swords just weren't his thing. With daggers he could move quickly.

"Are these Silverite too?" he wondered. He waited until the girl had exchanged coin with the elderly man, one sword less.

"You've got a good eye," she said. "Sure are."

"I've got more than good eyes," Varric allured "People tell me I'm good with my mouth too."

The girl snorted "Typical. You're a Tethras, aren't you?"

"Shit" Varric stunted. "I take it you know my brother."

"He let me take this spot. You don't get along?"

"Is it that obvious?" Varric sighed. "It's Varric, by the way."

"Bianca," the girl responded. "It's nice to know people on a first name basis. Do you want to take a look at the daggers?"

"If it'll keep you talking to me, I'll even buy them off you."

Bianca laughed. "Wow, you must be _really_ desperate. They're expensive, you know."

"You can't have noticed how up itself this place is. Just watch, you'll be this desperate soon too."

Bianca grinned, "Nice to meet you too."

She was about to address another customer when Varric took it another step too far.

"If buying them makes me desperate, should I just do the gentlemanly thing and invite you to dinner instead?"

Bianca blushed and chuckled. "This will make a wonderful work story. I'm not sure you want to dine someone like me."

"Would a tour of Hightown be more suitable?" he urged.

Bianca smiled. Her skin had turned pale again.

"Fine, let's try that. If you don't creep the bejesus out of me, maybe dinner will seem plausible. Now, if you excuse me."

Varric took out his wallet and counted the gold. He was certain he had plenty.

He waited until Bianca had answered the stupid query of the customer. It took a good 10 minutes. The stupidity of the general population never ceased to amaze him.

Bianca sighed.

"You're still here." she noted. Varric showed the pile of gold in his palms.

"Is this enough for the daggers?" he asked.

Bianca pushed some of the coins apart with her fingers. She was careful not to touch his hands.

"That looks spot on," she said slowly. She appeared shocked he had actually gone through with his request. She stared at him.

"Wait until my family hears I met _both_ the Tethras's brothers today." she grinned, and she took the gold from Varric. "You're only slightly more charming than your brother."

"Only _slightly_?" Varric repeated incredulously. "You're joking, right?"

Bianca smiled in an enigmatic way. "Who knows?"

_She's teasing me_, Varric thought quickly. This would annoy him, but he was pleased she was capable of such things. It meant she wasn't completely put off.

"When would you like a tour?" Varric asked. Bianca hesitated.

"I finish late. 7 o'clock. Is that your bed time?"

"Sweetie, the night doesn't _begin_ until late." he smiled.

Bianca wrapped up the daggers in a diplomatic way, "Don't call me that."

Varric wasn't dumb enough to push it further. He walked away, knowing he had gotten lucky enough for one day.

"I'll see you at 7."

There was no reply.

* * *

><p>I laughed.<p>

"I'm surprised your relationship began so abruptly," I noted. "I would have been overly suspicious."

"She can judge character like lightning," Varric smiled. "I think she knew I was pretty cool. She tells me I was, anyway."

"You can tell yourself that if it makes you feel better." I smiled. "Thank you for sharing your funny story. It makes me realize how much more appropriately you behave now in front of woman during these times."

"Bianca takes all the credit," Varric said. "I think I met her at just the right time. I'd probably still be a slime ball if it wasn't for her."

"Do you still keep in contact?"

Varric tried not to laugh, "Duh. Write letters here and there. It takes a while for them to go back and forth though."

I suddenly felt nervous, "Have you written to her about me?"

"I have, actually." Varric sounded sad. "She's happy for me. The more time goes on the more I doubt we'll ever get a chance to be together like we promised."

"What makes you so sure?" I inquired.

Varric sighed and mocked confusion.

"Hm, I don't know. Maybe the fact she's _married_ now and all that."

I froze.

"She doesn't like him, of course" Varric continued. "I tell her it's only a matter of time, but she insists that she'll leave one day. I really don't like thinking about it."

"I cannot imagine how difficult that would be."

"Yeah. Kind of feels like this." he gestured to his mangled body. "but enough of this sob story. You should go to bed."

"Will you be alright?" I asked. I squeezed his hand, and he rubbed my hand with a thumb.

"Don't worry about me. Go have wonderful dreams about killing dragons or something."

"I'd much rather keep you company and lose sleep then dream about slaying dragons." I murmured.

"You know I won't let you be that thick headed. You need recovery time as much as I do." Varric pulled his hand away from mine, and I knew that was the end of it.

"Fine. I'll see you in the morning then." I said. Varric nodded.

"Goodnight, Cassandra." He paused. "It feels nice to finally tell somebody part of the story."

"I'm delighted to hear it. May the Maker watch over you."

I was restless and slept badly. I imagine it was nothing compared to Varric so I kept my complaints to myself next morning.


	10. Chapter 10

_Authors notes:_ This is easily the longest chapter so far. I hope you like it though!

* * *

><p>On the third day of recovery, the scabbed over lesions on Varric's body came off. He could still barely see out of his eyes, so it got him in some trouble. Very early in the morning he was shouting for someone to help because he could feel it falling everywhere. He very reluctantly allowed Hawke to stay in the tent to help him clean up. The whole camp site could tell because of the anguished yells and swearing from his tent.<p>

"Shit, if it is all as bad as the few centimetres I can see, I must look like one ugly mess"

"We told you it was nasty" Hawke soothed him. I sat outside his tent and cringed at the moans.

"Fuck, that hurts! What are you doing?!" Varric shouted.

"Stay still, it needs to come off" Hawke assured him.

"It can't do, it hurts like a bitch – OUCH – crap"

"The skin is still raw" Hawke said "It'll need ice. That's why it hurts. Be careful, you're about to hit your head"

"Owww, it hurts like childbirth" he moaned "Am I about to get a caesarean?"

I smiled weakly; amazed he could still have a sense of humour with this. Hawke wasn't listening

"We've got half off. Bits of it are just falling off on its own. Give it maybe ten minutes"

"10 minutes of this torture? You might as well - ow- call it – ow- an hour!"

"That must be charming to listen to" came a voice.

"What? Oh, good morning Inquisitor"

The Inquisitor's bandages had been removed. There was some left over scarring on her neck. She passed me a steaming mug.

"I thought you might want this"

"Thank you" I sipped it. It was fresh tea prepared with elf root "I privately wished he had let me comfort him, but I see why he is unwilling"

"Did you sort out your little spat from the other night?" the Inquisitor asked. I nodded.

"Hawke was an indispensable asset in that regard" I enjoyed the warmth of the mug in my hands "Is it wrong of me to admit that Varric is… he is growing on me every day"

"Not at all!" the Inquisitor smiled, and she took a step towards me "In fact, when _every single bloody person_ approached me in Skyhold to tell me about what happened, I was pleasantly surprised. Not a single one of them thought it was strange or unholy. In fact, they seemed to think it was an appropriate little accident"

"Do you mean they do not think it as blasphemy?" I repeated, shocked. "Even Dorian or The Iron Bull?"

The Inquisitor laughed. Varric let out a series of moans from the tent and we tried to ignore it.

"When I get my eyesight back, I'm going to kill you, Hawke!" he groaned.

"I believe the Iron Bull said something to the effect of 'They need to spank each other or something. There's too much going on there"

I giggled and covered my mouth. I had not uttered such a sound in many years. I could not remember the last I'd done such a thing.

"A spanking" I echoed "What lunacy… and yet I am laughing"

"I'm sure you're looking forward to having him back"

"He is nice company" I praised "He tells very good stories. What is the plan for today, Inquisitor? Do you consider me healed enough to accompany you?"

"Hawke and I will deal with a rift over the mountain range. After that I think we will head back to Skyhold. We're running low on supplies"

"I understand" I nodded. "I'm sorry I cannot be of much use"

"You're plenty of help. The requisition officers love company" the Inquisitor smiled. Then she left "I'll leave you to it"

* * *

><p>Hawke's 10 minutes turned into 20 due to Varric's noncompliance. After all the groaning had subsided Hawke exited the tent.<p>

"Thank god that's over"

She had a bag in her hand which I could only presume was filled with all the dried blood, ooze and dead skin. She was slightly green in the face as though she'd been nauseous.

"I'm just going to ask the Inquisitor something."

"No problem"

I hesitated and walked into the tent.

"Varric, it's me"

"Thank the Maker it isn't Hawke. I'm ready to kick her pretty little nose in" Varric growled. He had been sitting on a ledge, but turned to face me. He was wearing just his drawers. His clothes must have been damaged in the process of removing many layers. His skin looked like huge chunks of it had been gouged out with a scalpel. The majority of the surface was raw, and thin red lines remained from where the original wounds had been. It was an improvement, but not by much. It looked like he'd walked through a fire. Varric's eyes were less swollen, but he still held ice to them. He could see out of a tiny slit.

"You're being very harsh, Varric' I said "It would have been just as painful no matter who did it"

Varric sighed "You're probably right. I didn't think it would hurt that bad. I guess my skin's still fucked. I dread what comes next"

We turned to the entrance to see the Inquisitor again.

"Hawke's gone to have a break. Cassandra, could you bring Varric to the pond over the hill? The water is quite clean and he will need to wash up"

"You want her to clean me like a baby?" Varric repeated, dumbfounded. The Inquisitor nodded.

"She needs to do the same. Her bandages need changing" The Inquisitor stepped forward and handed me a roll of first aid supplies, clothes and towels "It's either Cassandra or me"

"I'll take my chances with the Chantry lady, if I have to" Varric grumbled in a sing-song voice. I felt a little nervous at the thought of undressing in front of him, but then I remembered his eye sight was incredibly limited. The Inquisitor passed me a knowing smile.

"We'll see you two later then"

She was gone. Varric took a deep breath and stood up.

"If it doesn't destroy my humble air of masculinity, can I grab hold of your arm? It's kind of hard to balance without seeing where I'm going" he said. I held out my arm as he requested.

"Go ahead"

I couldn't ignore the slight elation of feeling Varric's warm hand on my arm, even if it was covered in clothing. I walked smaller steps than usual in order for him to keep up. It made the trip take three times as long.

"At least I don't smell like those wraiths anymore" Varric said cheerfully "I was starting to think I'd turned into Darkspawn"

"It must be nice to be able to move around"

"Oh yeah" Varric said darkly "The sensations feel all new. It's really weird, to be honest"

We'd left the campsite. I took care to walk on the soft, damp grass. The sun was out today. It was a nice change in Crestwood. There were still a number of clouds, but a pleasant breeze. Varric stumbled as the ice he held to his eye melted.

"I reckon by tomorrow I'll be able to see" Varric noted "I'm really bummed I can't see now though. I bet your scarring looks like a rainbow compared to me"

I chuckled "I think you just want an excuse to see me without my clothing"

"I was actually trying to _not_ sound perverted, but I guess you've ruined me now"

"You could have denied it" I pointed out. Varric clicked his fingers in anger.

"Damn. I should have been able to think of that" He groaned

"Could I be right in guessing that your judgement is impaired around me?" I probed. Varric smiled. His features looked squashed when he did because of his eyes.

"If I was affected by you in such a way, I don't think I'd do you the righteous honour of informing you" he said slyly.

"No matter" I said "I still have to clean you"

We had reached the pond. I edged close to the edge.

"How should we do this?" I wondered. Varric looked at the completely wrong direction.

"Are we here already? Well, perhaps you should get in so you can stop me from jumping out. I can't imagine the salt is going to feel pleasant"

I bit my lip as I saw Varric turn an unsightly shade of blue. His fears were far from irrational this time. I turned pink. Familiar anger welled inside me.

"I do not want you to think of me as promiscuous, but I am only doing this because the Inquisitor asked" I said firmly "Wait there. I am taking off my clothes, and then…"

I gave a sharp intake of breath as I realized how nervous I was. I was taking off my clothes _in front of Varric_! I was aware he could hardly see, but surely he must still be able to see _something_.

Varric laughed "They're just _clothes_, Cassandra" he cooed mockingly "It's just the human body. Nothing to be ashamed of"

"Shut up!" I shot back. With trembling legs I slowly took off my pants, folded them and put them on the side. Should I leave my underwear on? I wasn't a fan of walking back with a wet patch between my legs.

"Don't look!" I said, desperately. Varric chuckled. His gaze was pointed somewhere ahead

"Don't worry, Cassandra. I'm sure there's nothing there for me to see anyway"

I threw my pants in his face and as he let them fall to the ground I quickly scurried off my underwear, shirt and bra. I put them on the side too. I jumped in the water and yelped.

"Maker, this is like _ice_" I breathed. I could not recall the last time I felt so uncomfortable. I felt my bandages start to grow loose. Soon I'd be able to take them off. Varric wandered forward one step.

"Uh, this is annoying. Can you show me where this wretched pool is, Seeker?"

"How do you ask?" I muttered disgruntled. Varric sighed.

"Pretty please, wonderful Cassandra" he put on a light, smooth tone. I smiled satisfied.

"That's better"

I walked slowly over to the edge of the pond closest to Varric. There were trees circling the area so I was fairly confident we wouldn't get spotted.

"Are you able to follow my voice, Varric?" I asked. Varric nodded slowly, and cautiously slid one foot in front of the other, to make sure he wouldn't step on anything.

"If I trip, you're getting a good slap when this is over"

I laughed airily "I'd like to see you reach"

"Shhh…" Varric hushed me. He took a more confident step forward. I swam over to the edge of the water and reached out my hand. I was feeling so at ease I almost forgot I was stark naked.

"I think the best way to do this is little by little" I explained "Just sit on the edge of the water and we can splash water on your legs first. When they are clean, we can progress"

"Good thinking. That sounds slightly less demoralizing" Varric agreed. I managed to grasp one of his bare legs with my hand. Varric cringed as the water on my hands reached the raw sections of skin.

"Your hands are delightfully wet, Cassandra" he observed. I rolled my eyes.

"Very clever. Now if you slowly sit down I can guide your legs in."

I blushed at the realization of how intimate this request was, but I tried to be business like. Varric seemed to think the same thing. He stifled down a small chortle as he sat down. He poked his feet out in front of him. One was hanging over the edge. I grabbed him by the ankle and had to resist doing something more suspicious. I tapped it.

"Move forward half a meter" I instructed "Unless you want me to give you a grass burn"

"No thank you, madam" Varric said forwardly. He hoisted himself up and crawled forward. Now when he put his feet down again they were dangling over the ledge.

"How's tha…" he began, but I grabbed his ankle with one of my hands, and gently splashed some water on with the other. He jumped "Ow, ow, ow… Andraste's ashes, fuck!"

"Does it feel like a burn?" I queried, and I forced his leg still, as he was trying to pull away. "How does the hurt feel?"

"It hurts like a bitch!" Varric moaned. He kicked some water on me with his other foot. I splashed some more water on, but then grabbed his leg with both my hands.

"That tells me nothing" I spat through gritted teeth. "How does it feel?"

"It feels like death. It feels like a burn, ok?!" Varric shouted "Now let go of me! I don't want to do this"

"The Inquisitor says you have to" I insisted "You must. You'll get an infection otherwise"

Varric gave a hearty laugh "As far as I'm concerned, you're far more infectious than any Darkspawn trickery"

I blushed. I almost let go of him, but instead I simply loosened my grip.

"I'm sorry Varric" I said softly "I'll… try very hard to be gentler, but you must promise to stay still"

Varric paused. He took a few deep breaths, and then stopped struggling.

"Cross my heart, my dear Cassandra"

I took a deep breath and dipped one of my hands in the water. Instead of splashing it, I cupped some in my hand and slowly dripped it onto the raw skin. Varric flinched and gave a sharp intake of breath, but he did not kick me as before. I was somewhat endeared by how short he was. If I wanted to I probably could have reached out and touched his face.

"Is that better?" I asked solemnly. Varric nodded.

"I think I could get used to having a beautiful woman pour water on me like this" he smiled. I was surprised that I didn't blush, but I did feel confused. Was I really as attractive as he made me out to be? I cupped more water in my hand and gently let it out over his leg. I let my hand rest on the skin. For a moment, I did nothing. Then I slid my hand upwards a few inches.

"Does that hurt?" I asked. I felt my heartbeat rise in my chest. What was a silent patter before was becoming ever louder. Varric shook his head.

"Only stings a little. The cold is soothing, though"

"Ah huh" I smiled, very pleased to hear this. I wonder if I had made him feel nervous. I suddenly became very aware of my nakedness. I became so alert to it in fact that I felt the skin between my legs heat up. It made me want to shiver. It was a very absorptive experience. It was like dusting the cover of an old book you had once adored, only to rediscover it with joy. I felt so calm and peaceful. I forgot that the water was freezing. Varric curled his toes slightly. He seemed to be listening for me.

I realized with an undying passion that I so dearly wanted to kiss him. I have no idea why. He was merely a friend, after all. Varric was a very kind man, who simply fooled others into thinking he wasn't. I was confused by this too.

"Is it strange that I enjoy doing this?" I said slowly, picking my words carefully. I wanted to let him know how I felt without being overly obnoxious. Would he understand? I begged deep inside he would. I pressed my thighs together, as though to protect myself from the growing urge.

"Considering I probably look like a dying animal, yes" Varric grinned. I smiled.

"I thought so as well" I tipped more water on him "Do you think you could dip this leg in the water?"

"I can try" Varric said uncomfortably. He lifted himself up on his hands and tried to move himself forward. "Is this enough?"

"Yes" I replied. I placed a hand on his ankle "If you kick me now, you will probably unhinge my jaw"

"That would be bad" Varric agreed. It is funny. A few months ago he would have said limiting my ability to speak would be a wonderful thing. I gave a small giggle. I alarmed myself with the sound. I bit my lip, and slowly dipped Varric's toes in the water. I waited a moment and then brought his foot down. I paused. Varric let out a shuddering breath.

"I think I'll be alright"

"If you're sure, Varric" I nodded. I wasn't sure whether to move back or to the side. He was getting abnormally close to my breasts. It would be way too daring to let him touch them… even if I made it look like an accident. My nipples were becoming more alert, but not from the water. Varric seemed to be thinking the same thing. His voice shook.

"Uh, so… um, you're naked, right?" he said slowly. I saw him blush. He fidgeted uncomfortably "How close, um, am I to you…exactly?"

"Not close at all" I lied. I couldn't help smiling. What he didn't know would do him no harm. I still stepped back slightly so his leg could finish entering the water. From underwater, you could mistake his leg as normal. He was centimetres from my breasts. I cupped more water in my hands, and slowly brought it over his other leg. I was excited by how close we were, but I would not be so cunning as to close the gap. That would be outrageous. Varric cringed, and sighed.

"Has anyone ever told you, you have nice hands?" Varric asked. I laughed through my teeth, but I tried to contain my emotion.

"You would be the first" I admitted "I am curious though – what makes someone have good hands?"

"Well, for starters yours are soft" he explained. I kept hold of his leg and scooped more water over.

"They have fought many battles. I seriously doubt you know what soft hands feel like" I dismissed his compliment. Varric grinned.

"Nah. They have a texture about them, but they _are_ soft" he curled his toes again. Why was he doing that? "I think I'd know. I am partially blind, after all"

My heart stopped. For a second I wondered if I would collapse again, but then it just started beating harder.

"How much can you see?" I questioned. Varric shrugged.

"I can tell that you aren't wearing anything, but it's all blurry" he said "I hope the swelling goes down soon"

"What would you do if you could see me?" I asked, very curious to know. Varric took a deep breath as I poured more water on him.

"I'm not sure. I'd have to be able to see you to find out" He laughed. He curled his toes again. My curiosity could waver no more.

"Are you curling your toes because it's cold?" I asked. Varric gave a nervous chuckle.

"Um… I don't know. Usually they're in heavy boots so I don't pay much attention. I think they're enjoying the water"

I splashed some water next to me to make it seem like I'd moved places. I turned my head to the side to also disillusion him.

"You can probably put your other leg in the water now"

"Yeah, that's a lot better" he admitted. I watched hypnotised as he slid his leg into the water. Now both his legs were centimetres from my breasts.

_Why do you care, Cassandra?_ I asked myself _It isn't like you are going to flaunt your breasts at him. _

If Varric was watching he'd see my pupils turn to slits. My heartbeat skidded to an abrupt halt. I could hear the breeze gush in my ears, but it seemed far away like I was on a mountain. I was in a state of shock. For it was that moment I realized I wanted Varric to touch me. My mind exploded.

_B-but he is just my friend!_ I protested _He was so annoying just months ago, but not anymore._ _Surely that is enough? Friendship is all I need out of this life to be happy. _

No, it was not. Otherwise I would have moved out of the way. I still could. I had many chances to deceive him, but I did not take them.

_Move, Cassandra!_ I commanded. _Move! Stop being like this. You are going to get hurt. _

"Should I pour water on myself now?" Varric asked "It would be kinda weird for you to do it, right?"

"Why? Do you want me to!?" I snapped, and I sounded a lot louder than I intended.

"I'm just asking" Varric said slowly, his sentence ending on a high note "I thought it would be polite to not assume"

I couldn't handle this. I was inches away from him but I wanted more! I wanted him to be pressing his body up against me! What was this madness?

"I…" I stuttered. I became incoherent "I suddenly feel very … disillusioned"

"An interesting choice of word" Varric said mildly, as he poured water down his chest "Fuck – ow- sorry – ow… disillusioned also means being cynical or disappointed."

He let out a shuddering breath. Tears filled my eyes. Yes, I was a cynical little bitch. Everyone knew it. Why couldn't I just let go and enjoy myself? It was the perfect opportunity. It would be stupid to let it slip away. Varric lifted another palmful of water to his neck.

"Stop!" I started, and I accidentally slipped. I pressed my hands against Varric's knees just before any other part of me hit him.

"Yes?" he asked. I breathed very fast. I was so uptight, but this needed to be done.

"I can do it for you!" I said breathlessly "I just need to get out of the water first"

Varric's voice trailed away "G-get out of the water?" he repeated "B-b-but Cassandra… you're _naked_"

"I don't care!" I yelled, and I knew I must have sounded foolish "I don't want you to suffer because of my inaction"

That could have been misinterpreted in a multitude of ways, but I hoped he took it to mean the innocent one. I needed to do this for myself, and I needed to make baby steps towards my destination. I had to get used to being intimate with him. Why? Because I wanted Varric. I had no idea why, but I was not going to let this slip by. It was too fleeting and important. I needed to know what it was like to relish freedom.

"Um… Alright then"

_He must want this too_, I reasoned. I moved next to him and hoisted myself out. Water gushed off me, and I stood up. My bandages were about to come off.

"I'd offer to get you a towel but I don't know where you put them" Varric said confused. I walked off to the side where the first aid kit was and picked out a towel. I wrapped it around myself.

"I'm going to sit behind you" I said firmly. It was like this was another mission. "Is that alright, Varric?"

"If that's what you think will help" Varric said "I _can_ do it myself though"

"No" I said sharply "I forbid you, Varric. I can't watch you suffer"

I sat on my knees and took a deep breath. There was no turning back now. I leaned past him and scooped some water in my hands. As I did one of my nipples brushed against his back. Varric did not respond. I saw his chest rise, however. I returned to my position and poised the water over one of his forearms.

"We do it bit by bit" I said "Starting here"

Like before I tipped the water gently down. Varric's hand clenched into a fist…. I could not hold back any longer. I grabbed his forearm and ran my hand up it.

"How's this?" I asked "Do my cold hands help?"

"They do" Varric nodded "I'd prefer your hands to the water, actually. But I understand you are a reserved woman of faith. Well, at least I thought so until a few seconds ago. I didn't know you were so comfortable without your clothes on"

"Does that surprise you?" I asked, and I let go of his forearm. I leaned past him and dipped both my hands in the water. I let my breasts brush past his torso. Varric laughed nervously.

"_Surprised_ isn't quite the word I'd use"

I took my hands out of the water and ran them both up his arm. I smiled.

"Oh? You're the writer. Tell me what word is correct here"

"Um…" Varric shook, but he was not saying 'ouch' anymore. I let my hands rest on his shoulder.

"I'd use the word… stimulated" he said finally.

My hearbeat pound like a troll on a heavy rock door. That little girl inside was begging to be set free. I could hear her pleading for outrageous things inside me. The child who had been traumatized so early in life wished for emotion and experience.

_Screw this,_ I thought. And it was the most liberating thought I'd ever had.

"I hope this doesn't hurt then" I said loosely, and I wrapped my arms around his torso and placed my hands on his stomach. I let as much of my body press into him as possible. I rest my chin on his shoulder. He would definitely be able to feel the top half of me now. Varric jumped only slightly.

"Uh huh. Stimulated is the wrong word now" he said quickly. I could feel his pulse pounding in his neck. I held him close until I felt my body start to heat up again.

"Should I stop?" I whispered, peering at his face, which was distorted from his swollen eyes. It was a shame because his eyes were so beautiful.

_Did I just call Varric beautiful? _

Varric had never sounded so nervous.

"Only if you don't like it"

"But I do like it" I smiled. One of my hands left his stomach and I ran it through his hair. Varric laughed very quietly.

"You're a _really_ confusing woman" he said, unable to stop himself "I, uh… I wish I was in a better position to be charming"

"But you have already charmed me, Varric" I said softly. I let my hand run down his neck "What good would it do to be more so?"

"I, uh, don't like feeling powerless"

"Do you not like seeing what I am going to do?" I asked. I blew some air onto his neck. Varric shook his head.

"What would be the worst thing I could do?" I continued. Varric hesitated.

"I don't know. Splash water on me"

"Haha" I gave a mocking laugh. I felt tears fill my eyes. I was freer, but not out of the prison yet. I took a deep breath. I let the girl out of her cage.

"Would it be alright if I kissed you, Varric?"  
>I put on my most business like tone to try and conceal my other emotions. What would he think of me? Would he shun me? Varric froze.<p>

"Is that your messed up way of saying you _want_ to kiss me?"

"Yes" I said ashamedly. "I know it is blasphemous, but I thought I should be polite"

"You're too polite sometimes" Varric said "This is one of those times"

I let go of him and moved around so I was next to him. I suddenly realized I was afraid.

"I think I want to _properly_ kiss you" I said slowly "But I don't know what that means"

I gripped onto his shoulder for dear life, like I was afraid I was going to die. Varric put a finger to his chin.

"Hm, well the cliché answer is 'what does your heart say'?"

"I do not listen to my heart, I have learned not to" I explained quickly, and anger was rising in my voice "All I know is I want you to touch me, and it is very annoying. I don't know how you deal with not being with Bianca"

Varric stretched out and nervously touched my face. He ran a hand down the side of my cheek.

"Being with you helps"

I could not take this anymore. I placed my mouth on his. I tried to let him know how much I appreciated his company, his stories, his jokes. All the anger had gone. It was like he'd made it disappear. Varric didn't move much. I imagine he was afraid of doing the wrong thing. I pulled away. I felt a magical euphoric feeling, but instead of being happy, Varric seemed anguished.

"Damn it! I wish I could see you" he said frustrated "Maybe then I could help you make sense of that black hole of a heart of yours"

"Your help would be welcome" I agreed "Maybe we should leave this until Skyhold. By then the swelling would have gone down. Then you'd be able to see"

_Then he'd be able to see me._

"Yes, I would like that" Varric agreed. He took a shuddering breath "I'm sorry I can't touch you with a clear conscience right now"

I did not respond. We discussed the Inquisition and Skyhold up until we had reapplied bandages and dried off.


	11. Chapter 11

Leliana came running towards us. The clutter of horseback had always been noisy enough to draw attention of those on the other side of the premises. She looked exhausted and unusually small since we were still in saddles.

"Inquisitor, we have received urgent letters from Orlais" she said, and her eyes lingered on everyone "If you have the time it would be preferable to address these immediately"

Leliana's eyes stopped at Varric. "What happened to you?" she blurted out, unable to hide her rudeness. Varric smiled. His eyes were a lot less swollen but it wasn't enough to look normal. What was more unsettling was the gauze protecting his raw skin from irritation underneath his clothes, but Leliana wouldn't be able to see.

"The better question is what happened to your shoes?" Varric queried. I tried to conceal a smile. Leliana jumped.

"What? What's wrong with my shoes?" she gasped, panic stricken. She looked down "Is there something on them? I hope not, they were very expensive"

"He is messing with you, Leliana" I advised her. Leliana glared.

"Oh, so it is not okay for me to ask a simple question? You cannot resist putting down others for your own selfish amusement"

"We _have_ been introduced, haven't we?" Varric said. The Inquisitor sighed.

"Can you read the letters as we unpack, Leliana?" she asked. Leliana nodded, resuming her professional demeanour.

"Right away, Inquisitor" she scrambled to get the letters out of her pocket.

Hawke looked bored. She had a black eye from where Varric had given her a 'playful' punch as revenge.

"Is this where we disembark then?"

"It sure is" Varric said, and he climbed down off his horse. He was able to see nearly as well as before. He said it was a bit blurry around the edges, but nothing too debilitating. I hid my excitement about this from everyone, even him.

"I think my stomach is ready for filling" I said, and I got down too "Would you like to join us, Hawke?"

Hawke shrugged and wondered off as quickly as she could.

"You go. I need a bath"

"Which leaves us to endure the mob of misfits" Varric finished. I nodded. I walked towards the dining hall. The last of the sunset was disappearing and it would soon be difficult to see. No more politics, please. No more sunlight for today. It was time to wind down.

"What news of Orlais?" the Inquisitor said. I was pleased I didn't hear Leliana answer.

* * *

><p>As we entered the brightly lit dining hall Solas was leaving.<p>

"Welcome back Lady Cassandra, Varric" he stopped for a moment "How was Crestwood?"

"Riveting" I said dully. In truth it was one of the most demoralizing, but also eye opening experiences I'd had with the Inquisition so far. Solas's gaze lingered on Varric's face for a moment, but he said nothing.

"Skyhold is just the same. I hope you didn't miss it"

"I only missed your wonderful smile" Varric said jovially, and he clapped Solas on the back. Solas smiled appreciatively.

"I see. If there is no urgent news, I must be off. There is a lead in the Fade that may point us to Corypheus" he said, and he was gone. Varric rubbed his hands together.

"That Solas is more emotionless than you" he noted, and he pushed open the door.

"Thank you" I said shortly. I was too tired to engage in his jokes for the moment. When we stepped inside there was a peering of eyes. I scanned the room, trying to decide who I felt like talking to. I settled with Josephine. She was dabbing her mouth with her napkin as I sat down.

"Good evening, Lady Cassandra" Josephine smiled "I suspect Crestwood went well, no?"

"We achieved what we set out to do" I nodded, and I peered at the menu "We will need to go back though. I am very tired"

"Did Varric contribute to your sense of flatness?" she quipped, then she brought a hand to her mouth "forgive me, I do not wish to gossip. It has been so boring the past few days. It always is when the Inquisitor goes travelling"

"Do Leliana and Cullen not provide good company?"

Josephine hesitated.

"Leliana and Cullen do not often see eye to eye. I find their quarrels tiresome at the best of times. Of course, there would be no stable Inquisition without differing opinion. It just takes up much of my energy. Shall I get you food?"

"If it is not laziness on my part" I hurried. Josephine shook her head. She smiled.

"It is no trouble. Wait there, Cassandra".

She left. I searched Varric in the room and caught his eye. He must be telling some grand story, because the freak show was laughing around him.

_What is to happen after this?_ I wondered. Should I go to his room? Would he come to mine? Was that even what was expected to happen?

_I will have to ask him_, I concluded. This was slightly unnerving. Josephine placed a plate of black rice and roasted vegetables in front of me. She resumed her seat.

"They were out of sauce. I hope that is not to your distaste, Lady Cassandra"

"It looks very tasteful" I assured her "Thank you, Josephine."

Josephine sipped some water while I gouged down on dinner. She put her glass down.

"I am unendingly curious as to what happened to Varric" she said slowly "it looks like he got injured quite badly"

"It was a lot worse before" I told her "You're seeing the last of his hardships"

"Oh, may I ask what transpired?" Josephine asked softly. Being known for her diplomacy, it should come as no surprise to me that Josephine's probing was less aggressive. It was refreshing, though. I could not help but marvel.

"When I collapsed in a fight he tried too hard to protect me and got attacked by Wraiths" I said matter-of-factly. Josephine looked excited.

"My, my – how romantic! It must be nice to have someone look out for you with such rigor" she smiled. I swallowed.

"Do you think so? I might have been too harsh" I admitted. Josephine brought her fingers together.

"He is a precious man to you, is he not?" she questioned "Although – perhaps harshness was the correct action in that case. I cannot say for certain"

"He is some sort of man to me" I said slowly "I do not know what, though"

"Ah, the politics of love" she marvelled "It never leaves us, no?"

"Not really" I smiled. Josephine would be added to my list of acceptable people to talk about Varric in Skyhold. I covered my face in my hands and groaned.

"Is something troubling you, Lady Cassandra?" Josephine asked. Her voice was close. She must be leaning in. I hesitated.

"If I tell you, you must promise not to share with _anyone_" I warned. If Josephine had her clipboard, she probably would have noted something down.

"It is what I do best"

I took a deep breath.

"How do I explain? I desire to be with Varric in a _physical_ way" I paused, and the frustration came through "Yet I fail to see how I am supposed to ask for such a thing!"

"Let me think" Josephine was good at remaining calm "Setting aside time to be together privately may be all you need to do"

"See – that should be obvious" I muttered "Where is a good private spot?"

"Your room might be too straight forward" Josephine said "How about the library? It should be empty at this time"

The library was perfect. I ate contently as a plan formed in my mind.

* * *

><p>I am one of many in the world who do not dress in night wear. I wear a white cotton shirt and some shorts. They are comfortable, but not specifically for night time. I wandered down to Varric's quarters in bare feet after I had a shower. It was nice to feel clean after the sweaty perils of horseback. As I crossed the corridor, I saw him walking towards me. A pleasant surprise.<p>

"Hello Varric" I nodded at him "where are you off to?"

Varric smiled "Actually, I was looking for you. What mental illness has crossed me?"

I grinned and looked away "I was trying to find you as well"

I must have been blushing. We both paused as we realized what that must mean. Varric shuffled his feet.

"I hadn't thought of what to do after I'd found you, though" he admitted "To be honest I thought you'd be asleep"

I laughed.

"I beat you then"

"Oh? Do you have something in mind?" he asked. I nodded.

"I was wondering if you would like to accompany me to the library"

"The library?" Varric's eyes widened "Sure thing"

We turned back the other way to find it. Our feet plodded pleasantly on the wooden floorboards. It was peaceful and quiet, just what I needed. Varric was wearing a loose tunic. The gauze dressings wrapped around him underneath. His signature chest hair was still visible. It wasn't very cold considering the hour. This was also nice.

"Is Cassandra being a naughty girl?" he asked. "Sneaking a bed time story out of the library before you go to sleep?"

I giggled "Only you would think such things"

Varric smiled "Are you going to prove me wrong?"

"No" I pondered, considering how to best respond "There are only so many times I can read Sword and Shields before I desire something… more"

"You're a nasty piece of work" Varric glared, but his eyes shone with interest "Anyone who reads that trite book more than once must be a special kind of crazy"

"You're probably right" I sighed. We had reached the door that lead into the library. It was strange being here at this hour. It almost seemed like a different entrance. I turned to him "What would you prefer I read?"

"I can't tell you what to _read_" he said, dumbstruck. "I'd rather look what you find on your own"

A small smile curled my lip.

"Let's find out then"

I pushed open the library door. It creaked open, then shut with a loud clump. It was strangely eerie in here. Completely different to how it was in daylight hours. Only a few small lights remained. It cast strange shadows on the walls. It echoed with every footstep. Joesphine had been right, though. There was not a soul except for us inside. Still, the pleasant smell of books was comforting enough. We stepped slowly, gently as to not make sound. Varric looked from side to side.

"What genre are you looking for?"

"Romance, of course" I scoffed. Varric grinned.

"For someone who keeps to herself so much I am surprised how into romances you are"

"It is all about the fantasy and ideals" I said "Who wouldn't be interested?"

I spotted where they were. In one of the sections half way around the circle. I kept my eyes focused here as I walked. Varric didn't say anything for a moment.

"There's something different about you" he said "You look more striking than I remember"

"Don't flatter me" I jeered "More than likely it is because I have showered, and I am wearing different clothes"

I turned to look at him. He was standing still, a finger to his chin.

"It isn't though" he said quietly "You smile more now"

"I smile more?" I repeated. Varric smiled too, as he seemed to have found his answer.

"You do. You're such a tight ass all the time it's a nice change"

I laughed "It is nice to know I'm a tight ass _all_ the time"

"Come on, Cassandra, I just gave you a compliment." Varric said "And here I was thinking you had nice thoughts in that raging head of yours"

"I _do_ appreciate the compliment" I reminded him. I reached the book shelf. I scanned the titles, trying to find one that grabbed me.

"_The Devil in Winter_" I read, and I pulled out the book "This sounds interesting"

I read the back cover. Varric seemed to have other things on his mind. He leaned against the bookshelf in a show off type way.

"I distinctly remember you saying something when I couldn't see" he began. He started counting on his fingers "What was it? Oh yeah. Something along the lines of 'I want to touch you'. I wonder if that still applies now that I can see 85% more clearly"

I blushed furiously, but I kept hold of the book. I read out a passage in a very loud voice:

"_Sebastian's reputation is so dangerous that thirty seconds alone with him will ruin any maiden's good name. Still, this bewitching chit appeared,__unchaperoned__, on his doorstep to offer her hand. Certainly an aristocrat with a fine eye for beauty could do far worse._ What do you think?"

Varric took a step towards me "I think you better answer my question"

I raised an eyebrow "Do you want me to read more?"

"What good will that…" Varric began, but I interrupted.

"_But Evie's proposal comes with a condition: no lovemaking after their wedding night. She will __never __become just another of the dashing libertine's callously discarded broken hearts - which means Sebastian will simply have to work harder at his seductions ... or perhaps surrender his own heart for the very first time in the name of true love_"

"I can't help but think you're being cryptic here" Varric said slowly "Am I supposed to be this bad boy Sebastian?"

I snapped the cover shut and glared at him with sharp eyes "I don't know. You tell me. Are you dangerous, Varric? Should I run to the hills to save my virginity?"

Varric's eyes widened "Are you a virgin?"

"No!" I yelled, and then my voice softened. I answered with shame: "Yes…"

"You can't be both" Varric snatched the book off me "Tell me the truth if you want your book back"

I didn't waver. I turned to the shelf and picked out something else: _It Happened One Autumn_. I read aloud:

"_When Marcus shockingly—and dangerously—swept her into his arms. Lillian was overcome with a consuming passion for a man she didn't even like. Time stood still; it was as if no one else existed..."_

"Alright, you're definitely Lillian there" Varric said puzzled. He walked another step toward me. "I can tell you with absolute certainty that I'm _not_ a virgin. How about you do me the same courtesy?"

I flushed pink. My voice stuttered terribly "I have done _most_ things. J-Just not…everything"

"_Everything_" Varric muttered "So you _are_ a virgin"

"D-don't think lowly of me!" I cried desperately "I know at my age I probably should have… I just haven't"

Varric laughed "I don't think 'lowly' of you" he stood next to me and held out his hand "Can I read the next passage?"

I looked at Varric with distrust, but I gave him the book anyway. Varric cleared his throat.

"_Marcus was a man in charge of his own emotions, a bedrock of stability. But with Lillian, every touch was exquisite torture, every kiss an enticement for more. Yet how could he consider taking a woman so blatantly_… oh boy, I can't do this"

"What's wrong?" I asked. I fingered at the book shelf "Should I pick something else?"

Varric looked exasperated – even annoyed at me.

"I can't believe we're loitering here reading smutty literature when the object of my affections is _right in front of me_"

My heart pound in my ears. I continued to finger nervously, desperately and aimlessly at the spines of the books. They were my sanctuary, my safety. I had spent many hours with my nose in their pages, escaping the harsh reality where I had no love. How should this be any different?

"B-b-but…" I stuttered, panicked "I _need_ to find a book. How will I sleep otherwise?"

Varric smiled, like he knew something I didn't. He bashed his arm against the shelf. Horror added to my panic as some books fell onto the ground with loud sloshes. Their pages ruffled and sunk into the floor. The sound died, and that's when Varric spoke.

"Easy" he said confidently. He walked towards me and stepped on one of the books to hoist himself up higher. He was inches from my face. "You won't"

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> This chapter was fun. The romance novels they read passages from are real - i'm not _that_ well equip with words. "Devil in Winter" and "It Happened One Autumn' by Lisa Kleypas. They are part of the Wallflower series. Please review if you like the story!


	12. Chapter 12

Varric smiled, like he knew something I didn't. He bashed his arm against the shelf. Horror added to my panic as some books fell onto the ground with loud sloshes. Their pages ruffled and sunk into the floor. The sound died, and that's when Varric spoke.

"Easy" he said confidently. He walked towards me and stepped on one of the books to hoist himself up higher. He was inches from my face. "You won't"

I took some shuddering breaths, feeling as though the room was closing in on me. He _was_ dangerous. He had no problem being assertive, so unlike myself.

_Are you saying you want to bed me… now?_

That is what I wanted to say. If only I could look away from his eyes for one second to gather my thoughts, but they were so multi layered and salient, like melding gold over a fire. Varric waited for me to react. He was smiling all the while - that stuck up look like he owned the universe. I hated it because I admired that confidence: never wavering, never slowing.

"I…" I began, in a last resort attempt to speak. Words were so desperately needed now, but they would not come. My voice was as empty as it had been when Anthony died. The vocal chords had been severed like the strings of a violin. There was no melody, no reverberating justice. Varric lift a knobbly, dwarven finger and placed it to my lips

"Shhh, for once in your life don't listen to yourself, Cassandra" our noses were touching "We don't want you getting too noble"

"Nobility is an admirable quality" I was startled to find my voice. It echoed strangely around the library like some deranged enchantment "It isn't something you can toss aside with a clear conscience. Not unless you want to be speared from your innards"

Varric ran the side of his palm gently down the scar on the side of my face. It was light and careful, an artist's hand creating a beloved sunset on a silver canvas. It almost seemed like a prince trying to court his bride of choosing out of many masqueraded beauties. Varric was not a nobleman, but he clearly contained an honourable spirit and a sagacious desire for grandeur.

"I'm not going to damage your precious innards" he said with cunning disbelief. His voice lowered to a whisper "I will, though… how should I put this… put some parts of you in their rightful place"

I uttered a strange noise. It was similar to that vile growl I sometimes made when Varric annoyed me, but with the opposite disposition. I was so nervous and restless I could not keep my lips closed. I pushed myself further up against the bookshelf, eyes darting for a means to escape. There was a rustle. A flicker of dust wafted across my nose. Three books poked and dangled from their lopsided maison. One fell with an unforgiving thump. I gripped tight to the shelves on either side of me, as though standing on a cliff and not wanting to fall down. My knuckles were white. The edges dug into my palms. I tried to keep my breathing to myself, but it was shallow and high pitched. Truly, it greater resembled a fight against cruel intentions, like trying to stay still while a snake glided past. It was unruly as it was senseless.

Varric kissed me on the cheek and it struck me like a blow to the chest. His lips were cold, hesitant, but I could feel the power unearthing beneath them like a tree sprouting from a lengthy winter. I wanted him more than words could accede. My stomach felt like the scars had split open. There was pain. He was a thornbush that was growing ruthlessly from the garden. Each stab wounded me. Distracted me. A ripple of cold urged my feet to move, but they did nothing.

He kissed me an inch closer to my mouth. A darkspawn desiring to rid me of all life. His body pressed against my clothes. I felt his stomach, his knees. He wasn't daring to do more than what was needed. I closed my eyes as Varric kissed me. I received the sense that he was holding back. It was imperative to seduce his object of affections with much care. I was that single, unsurmountable vase he could not break. It must stand unblemished – not a fingerprint or mark should taint its patterned marble. No rumour could isolate its cost, although many tried to guess. His breath brushed my face and collided with my own. i let go of the book shelf. The books quivered. Varric's hand's pressed to the sides of my stomach, admiring their smoothness. I touched his nose with mine, tried to speak the language. He had to know I wanted him, although I dared not speak it. I could not lay down my shield and let him strike me. Varric's eyes were shining with disquiet.

"Y-you look _afraid_, Cassandra" he murmured, and his voice cracked. He touched my face again, silently pressing for an answer. I could only nod.

"Why?" he asked, softly. He almost sounded like a different person. I grabbed the side of his face suddenly, like I needed him to balance. It wasn't far from the truth.

"I have felt nothing like this before" I whispered. My voice didn't sound like my own either. It reminded me of when I was a teenager – when I had started my cycles. I had been very frightened then too. These bodily functions I had no control over that would wreak havoc on my emotions like a blizzard. I remember being angry – wanting to cut out my body parts for making me feel aches, both physical and mental. My heart raced in panic. I would stare at the blood as black as an archdemon soaring through the night sky. The fear was the same. My body was out of control, and it had to stop before I became delirious.

_It frightens me. I must run from it… run from you. _

Varric's hand traced my collarbone

"What can I do?" he asked, staring at his finger as it traced my neck. I shivered.

_I'm not sure_ my eyes whispered. He looked into my black hole of a heart and understood something I could not.

He smiled. He didn't need to words. His smile told all.

_Don't break yourself trying to figure it out, Seeker. I get it._

He pressed his body closer to mine. I felt every wrinkle of his clothes as his arms wrapped around my torso and he rest his hands on my back. He was so warm and soft. Comforting – I don't think I have held someone like this since Anthony died. His presence almost reminded me of him. It was like a memory rising from the dead, or a spirit watching me from the sky. I felt my muscles loosen and my body grew limp. My body melded to the shape of his. It fit so snuggly like the cover of his books, of his hand in my hand. The bookshelf also seemed to relax as I ceased to grip onto it. My breathing deepened, but it did not slow down. We rest there for a moment. Our shoulders rose and fell as ceaselessly as a sleeping widow. As my desire to run dissipated, the compassion and selflessness grew. I squirmed and pressed my thighs together as a distinct tingle arose.

With bated breath, I pressed my breasts against him and ran my nose up the side of his neck. Varric shuddered.

_Shhh, for once in your life don't listen to yourself_

I kissed his neck, slowly enough to be silent. I waited, and repeated the action. I rubbed one of my legs up the side of him. My womanly core brushed against him. I must be careful. I had to be diligent.

I close my eyes and returned the kiss. It felt similar to the one I gave him in Crestwood – honest and pure. A jolt of lightning passed through me from head to toe and lit me up like a beacon. I kissed him, hard. I pulled at his clothes. My shorts caught against a bunch of his clothing and rubbed against it. A whimper of a moan escaped my lips. It felt so good for something so simple. Varric matched the intensity of my affections and ran a hand through my hair. He pulled at it. He pushed his body against me too. I felt his manhood pressing against my thigh. It was alarming, riveting, but exactly what I wanted.

I uttered another strange noise to express my surprise. Varric kissed my neck. I squirmed as he ran his tongue up the side of it, but I didn't stop. I was too addicted by the sensations.

I kissed his mouth again and slid my tongue inside. I must understand him; figure out his secrets before they hurt me. I traced the contours of his face, his nose, and his ears with my fingers. I dug deeper, became more trapped in this dream. Varric ran his fingers down my neck and squeezed my shoulders. I gasped for breath.

"Touch me, Varric" I pleaded "I'm not afraid anymore"

"I didn't think it would take long" he smiled, and we rejoined in our kiss. As he pushed me against the bookshelf and more books fell to the ground, his hands slid up my night shirt and rest just below my bosom. Annoyed, I grabbed his hands and pulled them upwards so he was cupping my breasts with his hands. My nipples were hard – they wanted his touch. Varric's breath faltered.

"Fuck, you're gorgeous" he murmured. He ran his thumb around them, eventually flicking one. I gave my first proper moan of the evening. My voice had matured since the last I had done this – it sounded a little different. My head fell back and I closed my eyes, taking in as much of the feeling as possible. with his other hand, I felt Varric's palm sneak up my thigh and press gently against my sex, testing how far he could go. I growled and pulled Varric's hair.

"Do you mind not making me wait?" I snapped. Varric grinned.

"Oh dear, did I make poor Cassandra angry?"

"I'm not angry" I explained, glaring him in the face "Just disappointed"

Varric raised his eyebrows "Oh, I'm in _big_ trouble now"

I kissed him, unable to withdraw how angry and needy I was of him. His fingers rubbed against my shorts, in exactly the right place in precisely the right way. My knees ceased to become knees. I moaned into his shoulder to muffle the sound. Varric pressed harder. He bit gently into my neck as his hand slid up my shorts and rubbed through the fabric of my underwear. My body was radiating heat like the sun, burning me. I smelled sweat, but I did not know if it was mine or his.

"_Take me_" I urged him as I bit the earlobe closest to me. Varric did not hesitate. He fumbled at moving my underwear and gently prodded further down – at the opening. I was alarmed by the wetness. He appeared to be too.

"Shit, I'll have to name a river after you at this rate" he started. I angrily grabbed his hand and pushed it further inside me. There was no resistance. No fight. I was completely his. Now Varric moaned. It was as though I'd dreamed about the sounds because it was familiar and welcoming. After all this time searching for a home, and it was here in his arms. He bit his lip, as he thrust his fingers out slightly, then back in. He moved faster, my fluids soaking his palm. My heart rate was no longer describable. It pounded desperately. I ran a hand down his back.

"Don't be noble, Varric" I said, sneakily. I saw sweat starting to form on Varric's brow.

"You have no idea…" he breathed

"Do you wish to deflower me?" I probed, and my voice turned to a whisper. I leaned to his ear, because I knew he would like it. "I would let you"

Varric hesitated with his mind, but his hand continued to corrupt me "Here? I don't… have anything"

I scowled "Be creative. You've done this before, haven't you?"

Varric kissed my neck. He put one more finger inside me "What if I can't… you know… stop in time?"

"Then I'll beat you" I scorned.

"You're a very irresponsible young lady" Varric sighed, but I saw his grin with immense pleasure. He removed his hand and wiped it on my shorts. "I'll tell you if it gets out of control. If I do, you have to stop. That's my only condition"

I nodded "That is fine"

If I told myself this was going to happen a month ago, even 15 minutes ago I would have claimed it nonsense. Me and Varric? What a ridiculous notion. However, now that I was with him and I was no longer afraid – there was no discomfort or woe I wanted him, and I would not leave him alone until he took me. Varric peered over our shoulder but no one was present.

"Unfortunately our height differences are going to cause problems for us" he muttered, slightly disappointed. He walked further away from the book case so we were better hidden from potential onlookers.

"I want to be able to look at you" he said, and there was unwavering determination in his voice "To save yourself a lot of unneeded agony you should probably be the one on top"

I put this information together and tried to make sense of it

"You want me to…" I blushed "What if I'm not good at it?"

"Oh my god, Cassandra…are you really getting worried about that now?" a grin crossed his features "I mean, if you really can't, I won't stop you. I guess I'll go back to bed"

He tried to wander off but I grabbed his shirt.

"No. I want to" I said quietly "Just don't hate me"

Varric snorted "Do you think I'd want to fuck you if I hated you?"

"Shut up – you're the one who's not a virgin!" I blurted out. Varric laughed to himself.

"Careful – the library minions will hear you" his voice dropped to a whisper "Maybe if I get undressed it'll make you less nervous. Give me a second"

I never thought I'd see the day when Varric on purposely disrobed in front of me. Yet, here he was. I was greeted with the familiar gauze dressings I'd applied a few days prior. Skin around his joints and most of his thighs were still visible. I imagine tearing them off would be a special kind of torture. A finger looped beneath his briefs. I covered my eyes. Varric laughed.

"Aww, Cassandra's being scared again" he came over to me and touched my face "We don't _have_ to do this, you know. You'll probably hate it if you're scared shitless"

Unexpected tears filled my eyes and my voice. It shocked me as much as it did Varric "B-b-but I _planned_ this! I can't go back on my word now"

I wiped my eyes and shook, ashamed at my sudden burst of emotion. Varric wrapped his arms around me. The top of his head reached the bottom of my shoulders. It didn't make me feel belittled. On the contrary, it was a welcome gesture.

"Let's leave this for another time, Seeker" he said softly "it's better this way, trust me. Sex sucks if anyone cries"

I sobbed and I peered through a gap in my fingers "Did you make Bianca cry?"

A grim smile formed on Varric's lips. He was still in his briefs.

"Once or twice" he admitted "Which reminds me, would you like another Bianca story? You've earned it a hundred times over"

Nothing could have made me happier. A wide smile appeared on my face. It made me forget I was denying Varric my body, that I had embarrassed myself by crying yet again. He held out his hand.

"Let's go then, Seeker" he smiled, and he approached the pile of his clothes "Sorry, I mean – Cassandra"

_He finally got it right,_ I thought. _About time he did._

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> OMG I was so OCD about this chapter like you wouldn't believe. I'm soooo happy with how it turned out though. Please review or follow along if you like it! Thanks for the support thus far.


	13. Chapter 13

_Authors notes:_ Another long chapter. I'm surprised how much I enjoyed writing this. Please review!

* * *

><p>"Alright, I've got to hand it to you this time" Bianca supposed, a flicker of amusement in her voice "I'm more than a little impressed"<p>

"Did you expect I'd dine you in the mud?" Varric wondered "or worse, the Hanged Man?"

He never insulted his workplace in front of anyone before, but Bianca was a special case. He thrived on good impressions, all the more so here.

It had taken a month of nagging until Bianca agreed to let Varric take her out to dinner. It wasn't that he had weirded her out with all his 'big mouth' references, but because she was simply that nervous. Varric had no idea why. She was beautiful so he doubted this was the first time she'd been asked on a date. She had dressed up in a similar style robe as she usually did, only this one was blue with silver string. It was still on the casual side. He had booked a table in the most expensive restaurant in Hightown. The ceilings were so high and the walls were covered with so many exquisite landscape paintings that it easily could have come from Val Royeaux, the most stuck up city in Thedas. In fact, Varric wouldn't have been surprised if the materials for the marble flooring had come from a posh ninny in a mask.

"Welcome to the Solo Per Due. My name is Abel and I'll be serving you this evening. It is Master Tethras, yes?"

Abel was clearly Antivan. She had an exotic tan to her skin, and a vibrant cunningness to her eyes. Her blonde hair was tied up at the back – a big mistake as it downplayed some divine ringlets. Varric nodded.

"You can drop the Master, but I am a Tethras"

Abel bowed.

"Certainly, your grace. Come on through"

Bianca kept close to Varric as they weaved through the restaurant. The tablecloths had gold embroiled to them, and each one was decorated with a silky cream candle. Bianca was blushing just looking at them.

"You're a Kalnas, aren't you?" Varric muttered "You're as red as Andraste's flames"

Bianca cleared her throat "I, uh, wish I had something nicer to wear"

"You look very nice to me" Varric assured her. Bianca avoided his eye. She seemed overly interested in Abel's hairstyle.

"I don't usually go to places like these" she muttered, embarrassed "Actually, I hate Orleasian knock off joints with a passion you'd kill to witness"

_She's probably right. _

Varric caught her eye. He saw a mischievous glint among her roughness. Was he that transparent?

"Not a fan of quaffs or statuesque fountains?" he quelled. There was an unavoidable pause. Abel flurried out her hand in one Varric could have mistaken as a ballet move.

"Your table awaits, your grace"

She pulled out some menu's from seemingly nowhere – did her clothes have magical seams?

She placed them on the table. Her nails were so clean Varric wondered if they were fake.

"When you have decided, just catch my eye. I will be waiting by the spring near the restrooms"

"Wonderful. Get this lady a drink too, will ya?" Varric asked "Something simple"

"We have Grand Cru from Sylvain Cathiard?" Abel suggested. Bianca went pink. She raised her hands in protest, but not quick enough.

"That's wine, isn't it?" Varric asked "Get us a bottle"

"Right away, Mister Tethras"

Abel disappeared as quickly and gracefully as a dragon on ice skates. He looked at Bianca, expecting her to be mad at him. On the contrary, she laughed. It echoed off the walls. She sat down, clutching her stomach.

"W-what?" he gasped at her. Bianca heaved a shuddering breath.

"You tell me you've lived in Hightown your whole life, and you couldn't tell she was offering you wine?" she exclaimed, eyes watering from mirth "I've never seen anything so droll"

"I may not be so accustomed to fancy bullshit, even though my family has a lot of money"

"Do you think they'd let you _swear_ in here?" Bianca marvelled, lowering her voice "My dad would snap off one of my fingernails – 'Go stand in the corner until it grows back' he would say. Yeah, they're _that bad_."

"My mother and your father could be pals" he noted "Of course, the alcoholism doesn't make her hair stand up as nicely as it used to"

Bianca was very excited about this "Your mother is an alcoholic? So is mine!"

Abel cleared her throat so roughly she sounded like a man. There was the pop of a cork and a rich crimson liquid was getting poured into her glass. Bianca's hands flew to her mouth. She had turned as red as the wine. Varric grinned. He tried very hard not to laugh.

"Don't mind her, Abel" he told her "She's just lost one too many fingernails"

"What horror" Abel agreed, but she looked around to make sure no one was watching "would you like to hear the specials?"

Varric couldn't keep his eyes off Bianca. She had covered her face in her napkin and was shaking. She was probably laughing her ass off.

"Go ahead" Varric said. Abel peered at Bianca curiously, but saw fit to ignore it.

"We have two main specials today. The first is Cep mushroom velouté, ravioli 'al plin' – an exquisite dish, our finest of the season. The second is Seasonal vegetables cooked in a cocotte"

_What the hell was the first one? _Was all Varric could think. Bianca was calming down. She placed her napkin back on the table.

"I'll take the cep mushroom veloute" she said with impeccable pronunciation. Varric blushed. Now he had to look like an idiot in front of the girl!

"I'll take something off the regular menu" he said slowly, trying to hide how ashamed he was "Can you give me 10 minutes?"

"Absolutely, your grace." Abel eyed Bianca with suspicion "I hope you enjoy the wine"

"It's beautiful" Varric assured her, as she pranced off, ringlets bobbing. Bianca was still grinning.

"You had no idea what she was talking about, didn't you?"

"Shhh!" Varric hissed. He opened the regular menu. Sadly, most of the items were incomprehensible. Bianca smiled enthusiastically.

"I'm getting pasta"

"_Pasta_?" Varric repeated with horror "Damn it, Bianca – if I'd have known…"

"You would have copied me?" Bianca asked "Really Varric, I expected more inspirational cues from you"

Varric hid his face behind the menu to hide his embarrassment. He picked the menu item that most sounded like English and caught eyes with Abel. She had only just reached the spring, but she came flurrying right back. Bianca had to pick up her napkin again.

"Yes, ser?" Abel curtsied shortly. Varric pointed to the menu just to make sure he wasn't ordering some obscene croquette mess.

"Could I get the seared beef fillet, please?"

"Certainly"

Abel floated away, almost quicker than she had before.

_Maybe she hates us,_ Varric thought. Bianca tried to swallow her giggles.

"By King Cailan's name" Bianca swore "I was so worried we would have nothing to talk about, actually"

"Are you saying you didn't believe me when I said I had a big mouth?" I retorted. Bianca smiled in that mysterious, enigmatic way he didn't understand.

"I'm not good at conversation even when it's with… someone like you" her eyes darted sideways "I'm too nervous I'd break some religious custom the other person hasn't told me about"

"Is that your daddy's fault?" Varric enquired sternly. Bianca brought a slim finger to her mouth.

"Shhh!" she hissed, in the exactly the same way he had before. To his utmost surprise, she pulled something out of her bosom.

"I even got this list prepared the night before" she said, and Varric realized it was a scroll of parchment.

"Looks like a roll of luxurious toilet paper" Varric mentioned "It's not, is it?"

Bianca snorted "I have better uses for toilet paper, I assure you"

She rolled some of the parchment out and cleared her throat "Dear Varric – how fares the weather today?"

"Are you joking?" Varric demanded. He reached over to grab it but Bianca held it away.

"I'm not letting you in on my secrets for conversation" she said impishly

"Fine, I'm sure they're no secrets I haven't heard" he placed his fingers together "tell me about that charming mother of yours"

Bianca rolled the parchment back up "She drinks when Dad's at work so she doesn't get caught. She hides the bottles in a floorboard under my bed"

"Under _your_ bed?" Varric gawped "Andraste's ashes… my mum leaves the bottles everywhere like a proper alcoholic. It's a daily ritual that my brother has to clean up"

"Your brother told me he takes care of the house, right?" Bianca interrogated "How does that meld with your father figure issues?"

"Well, it doesn't help. I can tell you that much"

"I'd introduce you to my father, but…" Bianca's face went blank "Nothing"

She sipped her wine and twirled it around in her fingers.

"My dad's all into his wine testing. He snorts it like lyrium shots. I'd show you but Abel is watching me"

"What? Like this?" Varric asked, and he placed one finger on one nose and breathed in sharply with the other. It let out a horrible sound, which was exactly the effect he was going for.

"Oh my god"

Bianca hid her face in her napkin again. Once we got our food she seemed more able to not break down out of nerves. It tasted more beautiful than words could describe.

_No,_ Varric corrected himself, smiling at Bianca from across the table –_ Bianca was more beautiful than the food._

* * *

><p>Bianca walked Varric to his estate, although she refused to let him walk her home in respite. Varric knew not to push the issue – she had seemed irritated the first time he'd offered during their tour. Apparently she had grown up in Orlais with her parents. Her father had decided to enter the real estate world before he had to retire – hence bringing them to Hightown. Varric wasn't sure how good Hightown was to retire in, but he attempted not to judge. They stopped near the door.<p>

"This was one of my more exciting dining experiences" Bianca admitted "Better than the last one, anyway"

"I'll make you tell me that story next time" he noted. Bianca blushed.

"Wait, you weren't just joking? Did you actually _like_ eating with me?"

Varric racked his head, exasperated "What the hell, Bianca? What fancy crap has daddy got you believing now?"

Bianca bit her lip "I just didn't think you liked me that much. We did this as friends, right?"

Varric grabbed her shoulders and shook her "Are you fucking serious, Bianca? Do you think I'd go to the most expensive restaurant in Hightown if I just wanted to be your friend?"

"I-I don't know! I don't get how normal people behave" Bianca clicked her shoes together "It's all warped, mixed up coruscation of two worlds. Me wanting to be normal and my parents wanting me to be a princess"

_If you hang out with me you can be both._

Varric sighed. He was usually nervous around women but Bianca was a special case. To him, she was the most normal dwarf he had ever come across. That was saying something. Maybe she was just a good match for him. That is what he convinced himself as he placed his mouth on hers. Their first kiss was awkward and sloppy – their mouths didn't exactly match up. Probably because it was an unexpected gesture… it ended almost as quickly as it had started, but Varric did not regret his decision. Bianca simply looked empty. Her heart was as fluffy as her mind – rough around the edges but a puzzle without the box to tell you where the pieces were supposed to go. It was mildly heart breaking, but Varric did not admit it to himself at the time. It was the beginning of the tragedy to spark all tragedy – every page he would write years from now would be driven by her. By her awkward mannerisms, her stupid laugh, her snapped off finger nails… Varric would have Bianca Davri as his muse. Bianca trembled nervously.

"Um, now is probably a bad time to say my parents hate your family, I'm guessing?"

"Wait, what are you talking about?" I blurted out. Bianca shrugged.

"I didn't think I'd see you again so I thought it wouldn't matter. But it does, doesn't it? Otherwise you … you wouldn't have just done what you did. And you probably wouldn't have come round the store for a month – damn it. I'm so stupid, aren't it?"

_Okay, so she was starting to understand. Just starting. _

"Let's just call you a special kind of stupid" Varric said "Now explain what you mean"

Bianca's eyes were shaking, although the rest of her was still. Varric had never seen anything so peculiar. Her eyes darted around aimlessly.

"When I told my parents about the fact I'd set up the shop they were inimitably pissed to hear it was from 'Those Tethras monsters' – they said it had only caused them trouble. They have a whole book on it. My father is the reason Lord Andvar was exiled to the surface in the first place. Apparently it was some sort of common knowledge Lord Andvar was rigging the Provings. His friends knew and didn't care because it won them bets, but my dad dobbed him in. Some sort of juvenile grudge. He refused to talk about it"

"Shit!" I muttered through gritted teeth "Shit, shit, shit… it would have been _great_ to know that _before_ I brought you out to dinner!"

"W-what do you mean?" Bianca asked, eyes shining. Varric ran his hand through his hair – he didn't have as much hair back then so it wasn't nearly as calming to do this.

"If I had known that I never would have asked you to dinner – I probably would have avoided a tour as well"

"That bad, huh?" Bianca asked. Varric shook his fists.

"It's _way_ bad. The worst kind of bad. Shit Bianca – now you've shown me what a great gal you are I don't think I can stay away and keep sane"

Bianca peered at the ground "I'm not that great"

"Total crap. You're smart, you're funny… I love the daggers, by the way. In fact I'm sure I could stab your father good with them"

"Don't sink to his level" Bianca warned "then you'd be just as stuck up as he is"

"Maybe I am stuck up. Maybe I am that kind of person" Varric breathed heavily "Now I think I'm in love with you and I'm in desperate need of that expensive wine"

"We've only been on one date" Bianca said simply. Varric shook his head.

"I don't care. You're great, my observations about you are not far off – I don't think it's crazy to _think_ I'm in love with you! Unless you think I am then maybe we should give up"

Bianca looked uneasy. She raised her hands and shoved her fingers In front of Varric's eyes.

"Look at these nails!" she shouted. Varric did. They were chipped and weathered. Some of them even looked like they had been bleeding or infected.

"Every single one destroyed… it shows what a horrible person I am!" Bianca shouted "My father breaks one off whenever I do _anything_ wrong. It doesn't have to be swearing. You'd be crazy to like me – look at all the bad things I've done! Countless times they've been broken off and regrown – sometimes he tears the skin off because there's no nail to tear. So… I guess it's not worth it, is it? I'm not the person you think I am"

Varric shook his head. He grabbed her wrists and kissed her nails one by one.

"You can't possibly believe that. I'm sure for every three nails that break, maybe one was worth it. If that. Still, if your father met me he'd probably chop off my hands"

"No" Bianca looked blankly ahead like she couldn't see him "He'd kill you on the spot"

Varric raised his eyebrows in disbelief, but Bianca nodded. He saw tears fill her eyes.

"I don't' want you to leave, though" she said "I'm scared of how boring work will be. You make me laugh. I like being able to laugh like that"

Varric and Bianca's second kiss was far more pleasurable. Bianca touched Varric's face with her tiny fingers, poking around his stubble. She kissed him on the nose, but Varric pulled her in his arms. He kissed her despite what she thought, despite what anyone thought. Bianca gave a squeal of protest, but Varric did not let go. He never wanted to see her leave.

"Maybe I'm just going to fall in love with you anyway" she whispered "because bad luck always happens to me"

"_Your_ parents may not want to see me" Varric murmured "but you can come around my castle anytime, princess. I'm the best hunk of luck you'll ever meet"

Bianca smiled "I'll consider your offer with a level head" she waved "see you, Varric"

Varric did not know what lies Bianca would feed her parents, but he sure hoped it was better than the nightmares he started to have of her being taken away from him.

* * *

><p>"I wasn't sure what to expect, but that was one hell of a story" I noted. We were lying in Varric's bed. He had made me tea but I had already drunk it. Now we were just staring at the ceiling with a bed cover half covering us. Varric scoffed in a disapproving way.<p>

"Trust me; it's not nearly as romantic as it sounds. I feel like I've been repeating that memory in my head and outside it for nearly the 15 years we've been involved. The conversation always goes in a circle" Varric groaned "I'm really, _really_ tired of it"

I tried to look at him, but he continued to glare at the ceiling "If you don't mind me asking, Varric… would killing Bianca's father solve your problems?"

Varric covered his face with his hands "Damn, I wish it was that simple. There's this whole network of important do nothings who also have a handle on her. Bianca doesn't even know who most of them are. Her father won't tell her. If we killed her father, one of those numbskulls would just take his place. It's pointless, and stupid… "

"Could we torture them one by one until they give up the information?" I probed. Varric groaned.

"If I hadn't already discussed this with Bianca two hundred million times I'd be more than happy to talk about it with you" he blurted out "Unfortunately running away is the best option we have. We'd change our names, that sort of deal. No one would be able to find us again"

"I imagine that would be difficult" I noted, and I rolled over to look at Varric better in the light "you mentioned that Bianca is married now"

"Yeah. We meet up and stuff, but whenever we do some Carta junkie tries to kill me. Not the best welcoming committee, I'd admit"

"Is he kind to her?" I asked "Does he make her happy?"

"Her parents picked him out for her, so you can imagine their tastes. Probably not unlike your family"

"My parents are dead too" I muttered. Varric's eyes widened.

"Shit, sorry Cassandra. Here I am rambling about my own problems. I just assumed they were alive since you mentioned your brother. That was stupid of me. You can punch me if you like"

"When you do something that deserves a punch, that's what I'll do" I admitted "So her husband is not to your liking?"

"He's stuck up and high maintenance from what Bianca tells me. Has a different outfit for every day of the week, has to gel his hair with this one brand and nothing else – that sort of thing. Apparently he's not a monster. I knew an elf named Zevran who fit his description pretty well"

"Do you think she loves him?" I whispered. Varric took a deep breath.

"Because of how interconnected our families and the Carta are, it isn't safe to just divorce his ass like a normal person. Bianca has to actually make an effort, make it look like she _tried_ to make it work so there aren't any bitter feelings. Fool him into believing she loves him, try and separate over something normal couples would fight about"

"Like intercourse, perhaps?" I suggested. Varric stared at me.

"I am going to pretend you didn't just say that. Fuck"

"But they would have done it" I started. Varric rubbed his eyes.

"She's told me about his fetishes. Makes her wear costumes and shit like that. It just makes me wish I could see the costumes he buys for her"

"Maybe you will when she leaves" I smiled. Varric removed his palms from his eyes.

"God, I hope she leaves. I'm so scared she won't, that I'm just being lead on… Maybe all my waiting and agonizing will be for nothing"

I was shocked to see tears in his eyes. The swelling had actually gone down over the past hour or so. His eyes were almost back to normal. He wiped them.

"Shit" he turned away from me "Don't. I, uh… got ahead of myself there"

I hesitated, but then I put a hand on his shoulder.

"Do you want to talk about it, Varric?"

"No, I don't want to talk about it!" Varric said frustrated, and his voice was breaking with tears "I- I don't know why I'm trusting you with this information. There's a chance I could die tomorrow – any day of the week, really"

"How is that different to anyone with the Inquisiton?" I demanded, annoyed "You told me it was nice to tell someone. Is that not true?"

Varric's voice warped into something I had never witnessed. It cracked and squeaked like a faulty floorboard. He must have tears rolling down his face.

"No one could possibly understand what it is like. I'm not even sure Bianca does anymore. Not since she got married. To be scared shitless and lonely every day of the week, _every_ week for _fifteen_ years. Not one, not two, not ten. _15_. You can't even imagine. _I _can hardly believe it sometimes"

"Maybe not, you are right" I ran a hand down his back "Why don't you tell me about it?"

"What is there to tell?" he blubbered "I feel like I've lived twenty lifetimes, died and brought back to life constantly. I don't even feel like myself anymore. It feels like _so much _longer than 15 years. Pouring my soul into the pages of my books is the only thing that gives me comfort. It gives me an outlet to express my sorry woes. Bianca's letters make me worry more now than anything. It makes me feel so stupid"

I waited as he continued to ramble. I stared at my hand on his back. He was in a very different sort of agony to me.

"I haven't told anyone the story because I didn't want to cry. Now I'm crying! How pathetic am I? I haven't even told _half_ of it yet"

"You don't have to" I muttered "Does this sound strange, Varric? I wonder if you ever needed to tell the story. Perhaps you just needed to cry about it"

"B-Bianca's the only one who has ever seen me cry" Varric sobbed "Not even my brother, my family. If I was sad I was always taught to bring it somewhere else. So that's what I always did. Hide in my room. Hide in the bathroom. Climb up a tree. 'It isn't normal to do that.' Bianca always said. 'Just cry like a baby and maybe people will listen.' I don't think any amount of heart ache will fix my problems. She knows that. I know that."

"Bianca loves you" I assured him "Maybe she will like this other man too, but she loves _you_. She loved you first, and she's loved you for longer. I think that must count for something"

"This isn't one of your smutty novels" Varric spat "Reality isn't so precious and kind"

"I think it can be if you're lucky… Bianca is a very lucky girl. I wouldn't be surprised if this turned around in your favour"

Varric's sobs seem to lessen "You're not just saying that?"

"Varric, I don't 'just say that'. I know it. I'd tell you if I thought you should give up"

"Always count on getting the harsh truth from you, Cassandra" Varric coughed. He peered over at me, and I saw how red his eyes were, how wet his face was. It was unnerving. He had always looked so happy. I wiped a tear from his eye.

"They don't call us 'the Seekers of Truth' for nothing, you know"

Varric smiled "Thank you"


	14. Chapter 14

We held each other that night. Regardless of what Varric had promised me, the two of us managed to sleep. I did not return to my room. It caused some staring when The Iron Bull saw me wandering _back_ to my room the next morning in my shirt and shorts. He laughed.

"I take it you went to see Varric?" he laughed. I glared at him.

"That's none of your business"

"Don't lie!" he chuckled. I rolled my eyes.

"Yes, there was lots of spanking and I begged for him to call my name. Are you happy now?"

"Wait… what?" The Iron Bull seemed confused, which was exactly what I had hoped for.

"Don't ask me about it again" I replied sternly, and I locked the room to my quarters.

* * *

><p>There was another long break between when Varric and I could spend time together because the Inquisition had more urgent matters to address. The battle at Adamant was planned over a few weeks. Josephine often had bags under her eyes and a coffee in her hand. Cullen appeared ill. He was dealing with Lyrium withdrawal, and I was to supervise him. Yes, we were all very busy. Varric even seemed occupied with something.<p>

I approached the dining room in the afternoon after Adamant for a snack and was surprised to see a girl matching the description of Bianca. The reason why should have been obvious then. Instead I had to wait until she spoke.

"To whom do I owe the pleasure?" she smiled as she saw me. The girl was wearing a hood. It complimented her features. I did not know how to answer. Varric grinned.

"Two lovely ladies in one room – aren't I lucky?"

My eyes widened "It is Bianca, is it?"

"That's me!" Bianca smiled. She held out her hand, and I shook it "Nice to meet you"

"This is Cassandra" Varric said. Bianca's eyes glimmered with understanding.

"I'll just have to shake your hand again, won't I?" she said. That's exactly what she did.

"What brings you to Skyhold, Bianca?" I asked her.

"Bianca has a lead on where Corypheus gets his red lyrium" Varric explained. Bianca nodded.

"If you're coming on the exhibition with us, I'm sure the Inquisitor will give you all the gory details" she said "I'm so tired. You know what I'm saying?"

"Skyhold and tired often go together in my head as well" Varric agreed. I made a mental note to find the Inquisitor after eating.

"When do we leave?"

"Soon, I hope" Bianca said "Hopefully before Darkspawn rough the place up"

"That would be preferable" I said. I looked side to side "Should I leave you two alone to talk?"

"We'll have plenty of time to do that when we travel" Bianca said. She moved to the side "Please, sit down"

I did, feeling very strange. It seemed almost too coincidental that I would meet Bianca a few weeks after Varric had told me more information about her. It was nice, but surreal. It was like meeting a ghost, not a real person. Bianca smiled at me.

"You look nervous" she noted "You don't need to be. I don't care that you and Varric have a thing going"

I blushed and tried to find my words "You don't think of it as odd? I do"

Bianca laughed "I'm _married_ – it would be _mean_ if I didn't let Varric scout the seas for more bait. Oh, I don't mean that in a bad way. I'm too tired. Varric?"

"Bianca is trying to say in her own special way that you're a welcome addition our story. Is that better?"

"Heaps better" Bianca nodded "He hasn't been a dick to you, has he? If he has I can wrangle his neck"

"I am perfectly capable of neck wrangling him myself" I smiled. "He has been very kind to me. I am honoured to … share his company"

_What are we?_

I went misty eyed. I wasn't sure what to call it. He wasn't my boyfriend, and I wasn't his girlfriend. Bianca seemed to understand. She looked slightly concerned. Maybe Varric had explained it all in a letter too. It was exciting to think about travelling with her. It was almost as thrilling as meeting the Champion of Kirkwall. She stretched.

"What do you guys eat around here? I'm so hungry I think I could dissect a pig"

"You mean you're not a pig already?" Varric asked "I'm shocked, Bianca"

Bianca rolled her eyes. She looked very happy to be with Varric again. I grinned.

"I came to eat too. Let me get you all something"

"Do you need help?" Bianca asked. I shook my head.

"Not at all. Sit"

I placed my hands on her shoulders before striding off. I wondered how bizarre this would look to someone like Dorian if he were here. It would be as exciting as fireworks in his bedroom. There was some rice and lamb curry sitting in a metal warmer. I scooped some out on two plates and brought them back. Varric would have to share.

"What do you do?" I asked Bianca as I resumed my seat. Apparently she lived in Orlais, which she must hate. Bianca smiled.

"I'm still a smith. That habit isn't going to die anytime soon"

"It's a _talent_, Bianca" Varric cooed "Use your proper words"

I let them talk among themselves while I ate and as I went to discuss their plans with the Inquistor. I realized with her coming along there was little time for me to talk to Bianca alone. Yet, I searched for the opportunity. When I caught Varric's look of worry, his look of euphoria when he looked at Bianca I couldn't do it. He should enjoy his time with her, for it would be so preciously small.

* * *

><p>When it turned out Bianca had caused this entire ordeal, I realized this was one of those times when being polite was not going to help anyone… least of all me. My heart beat fast, as I prepared myself for the ultimate moment. I was used to doing this for work but not my own personal life. I never had much of a personal life before this.<p>

A look of distaste formed on Varric's face.

"Bianca" he said, sternly. The bright lights illuminated Bianca's guilty features. The Inquisitor caught up on it too.

"You want to say something, Varric?" she said. Varric lifted his hands in annoyance.

"Andraste's ass, Bianca! _You're _the leak?"

There was a tense moment so volatile I don't think I could have looked at Varric or Bianca with a straight face. I prayed for it to end. Bianca turned around.

"When I got the location I went to have a look for myself" she explained "and I found the red lyrium and I… studied it"

"You know what it does to people" Varric ignored her. He stepped forward.

"I was doing you a favour" Bianca shot back. Mild irritation was starting to leak into her voice. "You want to help your brother, don't you? I just… wanted to figure it out"

"Did you figure it out?" the Inquisitor pressed.

"Actually… yes" Bianca admitted. She seemed relieved the Inquisitor dispelled Varric's angry storm "I found out that red lyrium – it was the Blight, Varric! Do you know what this means?"

"What? Two deadly things combine to create something super awful?"

"Lyrium is alive or… something like it" Bianca continued "Blight doesn't infect minerals. Only animals. I couldn't get any further on my own so I looked for a Grey Warden mage. Blight and magical expertise in one, right? And I found this guy, Larius. He seemed really interested in my research so I gave him a key"

"Larius?" Varric repeated "He was the Grey Warden we met in Corypheus's… oh shit"

I looked to the back of Varric's head as though searching for some kind of answer. He had paused for only a moment "I thought something seemed off"

"I didn't realize until you said you found red lyrium In Haven." Bianca added "I came here, and… well... then I went to you"

"Does that name mean something to you, Varric?" the Inquisitor asked. Varric turned to her. I could catch a glimpse of his eyes. They had fire in them – angry flames.

"He was at the Grey Warden Prison where we found Corypheus. And he definitely wasn't a mage before"

"You had to have known we'd figure it out, Bianca. Why did you insist we come with you?" the Inquisitor probed. Bianca looked sad. It was difficult to watch.

"Varric told me what people were doing with Red Lyrium and I… had to help make things right" Bianca said nervously.

"You told Varric you had a lead so you could straighten out your mistake" the Inquisitor rumbled.

"I know I screwed up, but we did fix it! It's as right as I can make it" Bianca protested.

"This isn't one of your machines! You can't just replace it and make everything right" Varric ranted.

_Is that what you think of your heart too, Varric_? I wondered, sadly. I caught eyes with Bianca, but she quickly avoided my gaze.

"No, but I can try, can't I?" Bianca demanded. I could tell she was getting defensive. "Or am I supposed to wallow in my mistakes forever, kicking myself, telling stories of what I should have done?"

"Ha! As if I would tell stories of my own mistakes" Varric snarled.

"You could at least try to set things right, Varric" the Inquisitor noted, saying what I wanted to say. Varric sighed.

"We've done all we can here. Bianca, you'd better get home before someone misses you"

_Did he forget her husband's name on purpose? _I wondered I wouldn't blame him if he did.

"Varric…" Bianca began, as though she wanted to console him. Varric avoided her eye. He walked away.

"Don't worry about it"

Bianca waited. She turned on the Inquisitor.

"Get him killed and I'll feed him your own eyeballs, Inquisitor"

The Inquisitor didn't reply. She turned on her heel to catch up with Varric. I took a deep breath and imagined I was carrying out a deed of great importance from Commander Cullen. I cleared my throat and tapped Bianca on the shoulder.

"Can I help you?" she asked wearily. I tried to smile, but it probably didn't look very convincing.

"Is it alright if I talk to you in private, Bianca?" I quipped. Bianca's eyebrows disappeared below her hood.

"You're not going to scold me too, are you?"

I bit the inside of my mouth "I'll try very hard not to"

Bianca sighed "Do your worst"

I waited until Varric and the Inquisitor were well out of earshot. Varric shot me a look, but I contained a disposition of neutrality.

"I would like to know if you have yet devised a plan on how to leave your betrothed" I murmured. Bianca's smile faltered.

"He's done a few things but I don't know if they're _bad enough_"

I hesitated "Will you tell me?"

Bianca took a deep breath "There's some isolated cases of domestic violence" she paused "but in Orlais wives are kinda expected to be their husband's personal doormat. If it was brought to court I don't know if it would be taken seriously"

I sighed. This really was complicated.

"Let's try to be creative. If you tried to separate from him tomorrow, what is the worst that could happen?"

"That's easy" Bianca gave a shrewd smile "He'd accuse me adultery and get Varric killed"

"Would his allegations be true?" I questioned. Bianca smiled. Her eyes sparkled.

"No. I've tried very hard not to sleep with Varric since I got married for that reason. Mind you… it is hard sometimes. Just _looking_ at him makes me want to jump him"

"Even if he is mad at you?" I grinned. Bianca nodded. She looked happier than I had seen her all day.

"Even then"

I gave a short laugh "If the allegations wouldn't be true, would it work? Varric told me he did not seem a terrible man"

"He could always turn the court in his favour. Not taking me seriously. That is probably more likely than any accusations of adultery" Bianca mentioned "I don't know what I'd do then. I'm scared that if I went through with it – that happens – and then I'd be stuck in that castle forever"

"Could you run away if that happened?" I asked "Or is there too much risk?"

Bianca sighed "I wish I knew, Cassandra"

"Is it possible to try?" I whispered, as though afraid someone would overhear "I could accompany you to the court hearing if you wish"

"We'd have to be separated for a year before court can even assemble" Bianca groaned "Even then, my dad…"

"I will deal with your father" I said immediately. Bianca looked as though the Divine had materialized in the sky.

"Would you?"

"Yes, if you promise to _try_" I assured her "I _am_ a Seeker, you know. You can write to me in Skyhold if that assists you"

"That is exactly what I need. Thank you, Cassandra. Words can't say how badly I needed this kick in the ass" Bianca affirmed "I don't think I could stand not boning Varric for more than another year. It's already been four"

I blushed and laughed at the same time "Is your husband not good to you in that regard?"

"Eh" Bianca shrugged "I pretend he's Varric and I get through. Only just. It kinda makes me want to vomit when I think about it"

We were reaching the passage back to the Hinderlands.

"Should I tell Varric that he does not need to worry anymore?"

Bianca thought on it for a moment "Yeah, what the hell? You can tell him. Give him a kiss from me. You have kissed him, right?"

I blushed "Y-Yes"

"Are you going to tell me the dirty details?" Bianca urged "I'll tell you something. My charming husband dressed me up as a waitress the other day. It didn't exactly fit me so my ass cheeks were poking out. He thought it was hilarious. I'm lucky I only got away with one smack"

_What is with the Inquisition and spankings_? I wondered.

"Did you hit him back?" I asked. Bianca chuckled.

"No, but I should have" her eyelashes fluttered "Why? Is that something you're into?"

I turned red "I – I wouldn't know such things"

Bianca's eyes went wide "Oh – are you? Really? Never mind. I don't want to be rude"

"It isn't rude" I said briskly "I am just embarrassed"

"What are you two yapping about?" Varric called. The Inquisitor looked ready to collapse.

"Nothing!" Bianca called happily. Varric grinned mischievously.

"If it's nothing then join the circle"

"Sure!" Bianca called, but she pulled me by the collar and yanked me down so she could speak in my ear "Psst, Varric is sweet so don't worry. He won't bite. But if you ever want to annoy him… tickle his feet"

"What?" I blurted out. Bianca winked at me but said no more.

I pondered on her comment on the ride back to Skyhold while I unintentionally eavesdropped on Varric and Bianca's conversation.


	15. Chapter 15

_Authors notes:_ This chapter was fun. I just love Cullen *swoon*. Thanks for all the support from readers. Just a reminder that I don't own any of the characters. Don't dob me in!

* * *

><p>"Don't say a word, dwarf" Cullen warned. I snickered. Wicked Grace was entertaining enough a game on its own – but add in the entire Inquisition and it better resembled madness. The dining hall had never been so cheery. At Varric's insistence we had played three or four rounds. Hours had passed, but they felt like minutes. I hadn't had this fun in a long time. It was slightly unnerving to pay attention to my cards when Cullen was completely unclothed. I wondered if Josephine would sneak a glance under the table. I would have to ask her later.<p>

Varric laughed "I tried to warn you, Curly"

"Never bet against an Antivan, Commander" Josphine smiled. I had never seen her look so sneaky. It was almost alluring. I took a deep breath.

"I'm leaving. I don't want to witness our Commander's walk of shame back to the Barracks" I justified.

"Well, I do!" Dorian interjected, as though my comment was delusional. Cole looked amazed.

"It comes off!" he gasped "I didn't know it _came off_"

_Didn't everyone?_ I thought. Varric and Josphine rose to their feet. I took my chance and followed their lead. It seemed everyone was going to give Cullen a fair exit. As I walked out the door, I heard the panicked thumping of bare feet and he was gone. I laughed, and waited for the others to disappear. Varric hadn't come out. He must still be inside. I hesitated, turned around again and re-entered the dining room.

The room was strangely deserted – all except for Varric, of course. He was scooping up the remaining cards off the table. The Inquisitor had left.

"Hi, Cassandra" he sighed. He didn't look at me "Thank you for coming. I needed a break after today"

"D-Did Bianca make you worry for her?" I asked sensibly. Varric groaned.

"Worry this, worry that. You'd think I was a new mother the way my head dances around itself. It's hell" he started turning cards the right way up in his hand "Which reminds me, uh…. I don't mean to reject your company, but could you leave me alone for a few days? Seeing Bianca always makes me…unstable. I need to write that shit out so I don't break something"

"It is not a problem" I said diplomatically, as though I was Josephine with her clipboard "Before I leave, I must inform you that Bianca intends to separate with her husband when she gets home"

Varric didn't react how I thought he would. Instead of being happy his eyes became very round like he had been petrified.

"You're… joking, aren't you?" his voice was softer than a whisper "There's no way… Is there? No. You've got to be pulling my leg. What's the real story, Seeker?"

"Would pulling your leg help you wake up, Varric?" I rallied curiously "I did not just lie to you. That's something _you_ would have done"

Varrics hands start to shake and some cards fluttered onto the floor. It took a few seconds for his brain to formulate sentences.

"But you can't! She can't have! She's too afraid of tripping over her own feet, let alone _leaving_ that sorry bastard" Varric racked his head for answers "What did you do? How in the name of King Alistair did you convince her?"

I moved closer to him. My voice was level. I stood my ground. "I offered to accompany her to the court case. I also promised I'd deal with her father if he caused any problems"

Every muscle in Varric's stock body tensed in slow motion. Wrinkles were counted as they appeared. The ones between his eyebrows were especially pronounced. Varric glared at me. It was the same annoyed face he had given Bianca. He reached up and pulled me down by the shirt, but it wasn't to kiss me. With a steady, able fist he punched my jaw. The pain was instantaneous and vexatious. I grunted through my teeth, as my vision guttered.

"_NO_, Cassandra!" he yelled, as though scolding a rogue Mabari "What the _fuck_ were you thinking? It's bad enough with just the two of us involved. I can't have _more_ lovely girls go missing – why do you think I keep my distance, huh? Why do you think I _avoided_ admitting to myself that I liked you?"

I closed my hands into fists. I clenched my jaw and shook, but I did not reply. I waited. Blood trickled down my lip and onto my chest. It tasted foul. Varric was breathing very heavily.

"_Talk_, stupid!" he hissed "Unless you want me to dislocate your shoulder next"

_Do you really think senseless violence is the way to solve this?_

I yanked free of his grip and my eyes slant like a snake's. My voice was that of a monster.

"No. I will not speak, Varric. Not tonight. Not tomorrow. Give yourself time to think. I am leaving"

I turned on my heel, but I was shocked to feel Varric grab my sleeve. I paused, but I did not turn to look. His voice trembled like Cullen's did when his addiction took hold. My walls tittered, but did not crumble. I listened very carefully.

"_Please_, Cassandra" he begged "Give up. Talk her out of this. I don't want anyone else to die because of me"

_What, and go back to waiting and wallowing in your troubles!?_ I wanted to scream. They must have been strong thoughts. I tried to stop shaking. Varric seemed to notice.

"You're afraid too, aren't you?" he whispered "I know you think it's pointless deep down. You act like it's an epic romance full of sweeping adventures and sunsets. It isn't. It's just… I-I-It's just…_painful_"

I glared. I imagined him standing in front of me, but I did not turn.

_If you truly believed that you would have given up a long time ago. _

Again, I did not speak my true thoughts. This was not the time to be righteous. It was the time to be polite. Varric was wrong to judge me.

"I am leaving, Varric" I said calmly "Do not approach me until you have settled. I will be in my quarters if you need me"

I forced his grip away and I marched to the door. Anything to get away… I had no wish to look into his distraught eyes. His voice shook and he called out to me, a child in a cemetery.

"I-I-I n-n-_need_ you, Seeker!" his voice trembled. It was quiet. No one else would have heard but me. I could have mistaken him for my brother many years ago, but I tried not to linger on it. Flashbacks were starting to form in my head. I marched onward.

_No, you don't._ I quarreled, pictures and screams blinding me _You need your books._

The door squeaked open and shut with a clang. I hadn't felt this angry in a very long time. I tried to stop tears as they trickled down my face. Varric was an idiot… but I had done the right thing.

* * *

><p>I flipped the 90th page to <em>Hard in Hightown<em> and read over the first paragraph again. It was hard to concentrate knowing I had left Varric to his own devices. Was he usually _this_ unstable? I peered at the door. Yes, the lock hadn't magically unbolted. I was safe in its pages. Words from previous conversations returned to my mind.

_I know he isn't very charming to you right now, but Varric keeps secrets too._ Hawke echoed _I'm sure he can do with some emphasizing as well. Just something to think about. _

Had she returned to Kirkwall? I had not seen her since Adamant. She insisted she needed space to cope with losing Stroud in The Fade. I had not urged her to speak more. The wishful green clouds fogged my vision. Corypheus' disturbing rumble of a voice returned to me.

_Anthony died without knowing you were there,_ he had said_, The same will happen to the others. _

I groaned. Perhaps Hawke was someone worth speaking to, after all. Her fears had been about Anders and her loved ones too. Thankfully, the flashbacks had settled for now. Reminiscing on Corypheus had not triggered more.

I had not considered reading_ Hard in Hightown _before this, but part of me felt if I did I could gain some extra insight into Varric's troubled mind. So far there wasn't much. It seemed like a random assortment of unconnected events. I took a deep breath.

_Donnen Brennokovick was running out of leads to chase. He had only two week until retirement, just two weeks to find the man who'd murdered a magistrate and a Hightown nobleman - If Captain Hendallen didn't kick him from the ranks first._

_The Docks stank of piss and rotting fish, as foul as the men and women who worked there. But that was where Donnen had to go to find the raider captain Belladonna who had broken into the Comte de Favre's home._

There was a rapt knock on the door. I jumped.

"Who is it?" I called suspiciously. I kept a finger between the pages so I didn't lose my spot. The voice was soft, panicked. It definitely wasn't Varric.

"Is the door locked?" it said "Will it open? Oh, no! Cassandra! The door is locked! I'm shut in again!"

I threw _Hard in Hightown_ to the side and it slammed shut. No matter. I remembered the page. I almost tripped on my feet as I reached for the handle.

"Commander Cullen?" I asked, and I unlocked it almost slipping from the sweat on my fingers. I threw open the door, panting. To say Cullen looked awful was a severe understatement. He was pale, sweating – his eyes were red and weeping. It looked like someone had thrown a bucket of water over his clothes, but I realized by the smell that he was just sweating _that_ much. Half his armor was missing. It made him look strangely lopsided. He clumsily pushed a briefcase into my hand.

"Get it away" he breathed, and I was about to peer down when –

"No! Don't look at it!" he pleaded.

I put the briefcase to the side and covered it with one of my unclean shirts. I put my hands on his shoulders. He was shaking.

"You are here in my room, Cullen" I said firmly "What can I do?"

Cullen's mouth and eyes twitched. He grabbed my hands and squeezed them so hard my knuckles turned white. His voice was distant and perturbed. His lip looked like it was bleeding.

"You broke the others, but I will stay strong.. for my sake… and theirs"

"Did you take any lyrium, Commander?" I demanded. I hoped using his title would keep him present "You must _try_ to break free"

Cullen was clearly somewhere else. His knees started to shake as though he was balancing on loose boulders.

"N-N-No" he finally said, but then he was gone again. Tears wrecked his usually calm tone "I am so tired of these cruel jokes…these tricks… these…"

I tried to pull one of his hands away "Come on, Commander. Let's run you a bath"

"I am beyond caring what you think!" he yelled. I flinched "The Maker knows my sin, and I pray he will forgive me"

"Cullen" I repeated, tension rising in my voice "You are _in my room_"

Cullen blinked. A glimmer of his former self returned.

"I've never told anyone but her. The Inquisitor. She forgave me"

_What was he talking about?_

"Yes, you are here with the Inquisition" I reminded him. I tugged at his arm "This delusion you are having…. It is just a symptom of the withdrawal. You _can_ break free"

"Break free?" he muttered. He looked at me, and I saw immense fear "C-Cassandra?"

"Yes, that's me" I nodded. I held tight onto his hand "I am here to keep you safe. Do you remember that, Commander?"

"Safe…" Cullen muttered. His grip loosened and I was able to guide him to my on suite bathroom. He slapped my hand away "You can't save them! You don't know what they've become!"

I sighed. This reminded me of Varric, only much worse. I opened my arms.

"Commander, you are safe. You are here in my room. We are with the Inquisition now"

Cullen's eyes bulged. They darted to the walls, then to my hands. He whimpered.

"Y-You don't k-know" his voice shook He sounded so weak "C-Cassandra… they were turned to monsters. Some killed. I'm the only one left"

I nodded, making sure he did not break eye contact with me. I had no idea what he was rambling about but I was certain it would pass with time. I ran a hand over his shoulder in an affectionate way. If he wasn't so out of sorts I wouldn't have done it. Desperate situations needed desperate solutions. I would put down my pride to help my associate. I owed him that much. It was essential. Cullen blubbered. Spit dangled from his chin. There was still no color in his face.

"You have to stop It now" he murmured, taking a last stab at keeping composed "Before it's too late"

I nodded and squeezed his shoulder "I will" I hesitated "I promise"

Cullen burst into very loud, disruptive tears. He tried to fall to his knees but I stepped forward, almost out of a protective instinct and held him tight. It was wet, clammy and horrid. Cullen seemed to be in shock. He wailed and fought against my grip.

"I'm the only one left" he cried "There is nothing for me"

I ignored him. I mustered all my strength to keep him in my embrace. I numbed myself to the sound of his incessant weeping. It went on for another five minutes before it stopped. If I didn't have a clock on one of the walls I could have mistaken it for an hour. It was exhausting. I almost could have jumped in the bath myself.

* * *

><p>Cullen withdrew from the on suite bathroom an hour later. I waited on my bed, reading<em> Hard in Hightown<em>. It had started to get quite good so the time passed quickly. Cullen cleared his throat.

"E-excuse me, Seeker Pentaghast?"

His voice was still shaken, but he was a lot more level headed now. I put my book down. Some color had returned to his features. A towel was wrapped around his waist.

"I'm sorry for troubling you" he mumbled, distracted "It must have been a grave ordeal for you. I apologize. The flashbacks… they have never been that bad before. You ought to dislike me"

"I would be deluded to dislike you, Commander" I offered a seat next to me. Cullen gingerly took it. "That is what memories do. I am pleased you did not attempt to tackle them by yourself"

"Haha, I did _try_" Cullen noted "It just didn't work as well as I'd hoped"

"You need not worry about it now" I assured him "It is over"

Cullen gave a dark, brooding look – and I knew for him the fight was far from over.

"If you believe I am unfit for my position, Seeker, you are welcome to make me step down"

I hesitated "It would only be a concern if you got like this during an emergency. How long have you been without Lyrium?"

Cullen flinched "Just hearing the name… it gives me the shivers"

He twitched, as though to add to the effect. "A whole 2 months. It feels like years, if I am being truthful. I wish it would end tomorrow, but alas – I cannot predict its torturous perils"

I paused "I hope the worst of the perils are over, Commander"

"As do I" Cullen breathed. He seemed to lose himself in the dream "As do I"

There was a peaceful silence. I was so relieved Cullen could hold a conversation again. His eyes peered next to me. He tilt his head.

"_Hard in Hightown_?" he read "That's one of Varric's books, isn't it?"

I blushed and picked up the book as though it was my offspring "Y-Yes. Is that a problem?"

"Not at all" Cullen smiled, and I was reminded of Josephine. He was kind and accepting of me. I ought not be so nervous. I took a deep breath, but Cullen continued. A dreamy hue welled in his rich eyes.

"I wish I had the luxury to read what I wanted. I so miss it. All I have are reports that need proof reading a hundred times over. History books. Anything related to the Inquisition roams my library. I almost wish it didn't" he examined my face "I am entirely too jealous of you"

"You don't need to be" I said hurriedly "It isn't very good"

"Nonsense" he laughed "Otherwise you would have put it down"

I simply held the book tighter in my arms. I was very pink.

"If you don't mind me probing into your personal life, Cassandra – how… oh, you probably don't want to talk about it. Forget I asked"

"What?" I urged him. He was so polite I _wanted_ him to talk "It does not bother me"

Cullen smiled "How are things with… your dwarf friend?"

I looked at Cullen blankly, then down at the book as though it would help me.

"He…" I hesitated "He is more than a friend"

"Oh, excellent" Cullen balanced his chin on his hand "Dare I push the boundaries further?"

I fiddled so nervously with _Hard in Hightown_ that I tore a page.

"I…we…" I began, stuttering as bad as Cullen did "I kissed him. More than once"

Cullen looked pleased "Well isn't that just… I am very happy for you, Cassandra. It must be wonderful to – this is bad-mannered - unknot your knickers, if I can be blunt"

I laughed "My _knickers_ were _not_ in knots!"

"Posh drivel! Something was, don't try to deny it, Cassandra" Cullen said quickly. He had a charming grin on his lips. I could see what the Inquisitor saw in him.

"He makes me crazy" I admitted "but he has next to _no_ influence on my wretched knickers"

Cullen smirked darkly "Oh, I don't know about _that_, Lady Pentaghast"

I blushed red. Cullen did too. We both looked at each other and laughed.

"I appreciate you opening up and telling me about these things, Cassandra" Cullen said thoughtfully "It makes Skyhold feel more like a home"

"Me too" I settled "It is nice"

We sighed in a nostalgic way, and listened to the light gush of breeze coming from outside. I pondered on Cullen's relationship with the Inquisitor. I could only assume it was going well. He might have told me otherwise. The Iron Bull's comments entered my mind:

_I heard her screams._ He had said,_ I know what you were doing._

It suddenly occurred to me that perhaps Cullen could provide insight into relationships that no one else with the Inquisition could. I struggled to find the right words, but Cullen stood on his feet.

"I must get changed, Cassandra. It is getting dreadfully cold"

"W-Wait…" I struggled. I had to stop myself from tugging at his towel "If you have time for one more question"

Cullen sat back down so he wouldn't accidentally flash me "I suppose I can _try_ answer one more for a lovely friend. Ask away"

I hesitated. "A-About the Inquisitor…when you…"

I peered into Cullen's eyes. His looked politely curious.

"Go on" he urged me. I screwed up my face in embarrassment.

"D-Did you bring her to your bed because you wanted her, or because you loved her?"

I smiled sheepishly as Cullen brought a hand to his mouth. When he recovered, he sounded himself again.

"What a tremendously excellent question, Cassandra!" he said awed. I tried not to giggle as he composed himself. "And how to answer…"

I waited tensely, like it was a cliff hanger at the end of _Sword and Shields_. He finally stopped struggling.

"It goes without saying that I want her, but that would be insipid… too simple. No, the truth is far more complicated. You see, as I grew to love her… the sex just got better and better"

He hesitated before he uttered the 's' word. It was like crossing a boundary not needing to be crossed.

"Better and better?" I repeated, dumbstruck "You mean it isn't just _good_ to start with?"

Cullen snickered "What are you going on about, Cassandra… you _must_ know at the very least that… oh…"

I picked up the book again as though to swat a fly with it. He read my expression with sour pity.

"You don't, do you?" he whispered.

I simply shook my head. Sweat was poking beneath my fingers. To my surprise, Cullen looked delighted. He rattled my shoulders.

"Well, you're in for an absolute _treat_, aren't you Cassandra? Hm?" he was like an uncle spoiling his favorite niece "I assume Varric will treat you with respect"

"He will" I paused "When I stop being nervous"

Cullen squeezed one of my shoulders.

"Don't worry about being nervous, it just adds to your charm. Wait, did I just say that? Blasted. Stupid me"

I scoffed and stood up "You should get dressed now. I would not want the Inquisitor getting jealous"

Cullen turned pink. He got up, stumbling.

"Yes, you're right. Sorry"

I pushed him into the bathroom "Don't leave her waiting too long, Commander"

I laughed as the Commander protested something I didn't hear. I returned to my book with interest. I didn't even care I had torn one of the pages.


	16. Chapter 16

There were eight days of work before Varric reappeared. 7 hours of agonizing over the war table, assisting small demands. It was sad to see Josephine, Leliana and Cullen appear and disappear as unpredictably as the sun behind clouds. The remaining time was spent traveling to the Emerald Graves with Cole, Dorian, Blackwell and the Inquisitor. They were decent enough company, considering Varric was no longer an option.

A couple of rifts later and we were on our way back again. I closed my eyes as my horse trotted across the uneven lands. It would be a dream to be home.

* * *

><p>I scrambled to my room with the intention of bathing, but something else caught my attention. Mail waited on my desk. I peered around, to see an officer salute me.<p>

"It arrived yesterday, ma'am" she said. I nodded.

"Thank you. Go feed yourself now"

The officer looked pleased "Thank you, Lady Pentaghast"

She scurried away. I stared at the address – it was from Orlais.

_Bianca_.

I ripped it open with the enthusiasm of someone winning a very large sum in a bet. My eyes darted to the top. The scribble was slanted, but legible. She had a fine pot of ink at her disposal.

Dearest Lady Pentaghast,

There, it is done. However, not without consequences.

_Since when does Bianca use such formal language_? I wondered. I peered at the signature. It was definitely her. I read on.

My betrothed is wheedling into my mind. I have doubts, Seeker. Many, in fact. Too many to name.

My heart pound in my chest.

_What?_

He sends me new gifts every day. Says he is sorry. That he will never do it again. I worry that my reasons are not reason enough. I worry that I am deluding myself into thinking I can be happy. He promises he will try harder to please me.

I am lost. I need your guidance, dear Seeker. What if this won't be enough? What if I'm crazy? They make me feel crazy. Even this letter does not read like my own. I am too immobilized by guilt to take the next step.

Help. Don't tell him.

Bianca Davri

I let my head fall into my hands. She was being manipulated by her husband. I had seen it too many times to count. Such foolish trickery. I took out a piece of parchment from a draw in my desk and searched for a quill. I needed to act quickly. This was urgent.

I stared at the words: Help. Don't tell him.

She was right. Considering I got punched last time Varric definitely didn't need to know. How should I proceed?

I started with a draft.

Dear Lady Darvi

I am sorry to hear that your journey thus far has not been easy. You are very brave for taking the first step. Believe me when I write that _he_ is trying to make you do as he wants. He does not care for you like he wants you to think.

The gifts are bribes. Do not take them.

His words are hollow. Do not be fooled.

Abuse happens in cycles. He will probably hurt you again soon. Be diligent. It may get worse. You can survive for a year. You will get stronger. I know it is hard.

You deserve better. You deserve to be with _him_.

Tell me if things get out of hand. There may need to be earlier intervention.

I wrote it in a different font to help distinguish one man from the other. Her husband was shameful. That was clear now more than ever. As I left my draft to rest in my draw, I was filled with fear. Abuse _always_ escalated if the attempts to fix things are denied.

Bianca may be in more danger than I realized.

_That means nothing,_ I rationalized_, If I have to, I'll go there myself… even if it means leaving Varric behind._

* * *

><p>I focused on letting out my frustrations and clearing my head during sparring in my usual favorite spot near the broken wall. It was a way to forget. I kicked a tree, lightly tapping it with my sword.<p>

"Long time no see, Cassandra" came a voice "If looks could kill that tree would embrace its peril less doom"

I stabbed my sword into the ground and glared from the intensity of my concentration alone. It was Varric. He was looking cheerful. All concern for Bianca had wept away with my sweat, so it did not bother me to see him.

"Hello Varric" I said dully. Varric watched as I practiced blocking positions with my sword.

"Yeah, so this is going to make me sound stupid. That punching thing I did? Can you guess that was a mistake?" Varric started, awkwardly. I didn't look at him.

"Oh? What have you decided then?" I asked him. Varric shrugged.

"If Bianca is getting your help, that is probably better than trying to do it alone. Or with me" he added sheepishly. "I need to thank you for taking the initiative"

_It took you that long to figure it out?_ I wondered. I sighed. I knew he needed the space. I should be more careful with my tone.

"It is just nice to have you back" I sighed, relieved. Varric nodded.

"I have the perfect way to redeem myself. I know. My brilliance stuns even I"

He passed me a bound book with a familiar illustration. I squealed. It might have been the first _squeal_ of my life.

"Is this the sequel to_ Sword and Shields_?" I gasped. Varric smiled.

"The first one barely made enough to pay for the ink, but I thought I'd make a draft just for you. Maybe if you think it _isn't_ awful I can put it to print"

I felt giddy, excited "Are you serious, Varric?"

Varric grinned "Come on, Cassandra – we've had this talk before"

It made me so happy to hear him call my first name. it brought back vivid memories of flirting with him in Crestwood. I couldn't take it. I dropped my sword and wrapped my arms around his stocky little body.

"I have no doubt it will be wonderful" I smiled. Varric seemed to relish the hug. He lowered his voice.

"Actually, I was hoping I could make you lunch" he murmured "I have some important things I'd like to discuss with you"

A mixture of curiosity, panic and anticipation filled me "Of course. I won't say no to a free meal"

Varric smiled "I was hoping you'd say that. Give me an hour"

I hesitated "I- I could help"

"No" Varric said firmly "Go kill a bird instead"

_Not for cooking, I hope_

* * *

><p>Varric scouted the horizon, and sat down on a patch of grass just outside Skyhold. The white cliffs could be seen. An eagle soaring past would have fit the picture. He had brought two plates. He had prepared a chicken salad. It seemed awfully strange. I didn't think Varric ate salad. I sat down with the new edition of <em>Sword and Shields<em> in hand. I had already gotten to chapter 2.

"This is…" I searched for the word "Unforeseen"

"Destiny has brought you to me on this fine day. The couple stared longingly into each other's eyes… oh, what am I telling you for? You have the darned book"

I smiled weakly as I stabbed some chicken with my fork. A faint pinkness filled my cheeks "Are you trying to say… am I supposed to be Claire?"

The newest character in Varric's book was anything but charming, and yet she seemed to be developing a keen interest for precisely the wrong man. Varric laughed.

"Everything but the ears and hair" he joked. I bit my lip. It was flattering to have inspired Varric's writing. I wanted to ask who Bianca was modeled after, but I sought it within myself to resist. Varric sighed.

"You know I wouldn't have been surprised if we had died in the Fade" he began, and my mind reverted back to that awful place. Fear truly was the enemy "Knowing that we had fallen through a rift. I was half expecting the Maker himself to materialize out of the air"

I kept silent and chewed my food – spinach this time. Varric smiled at me.

"I felt an unequalled bliss to know Corypheus _only_ picked up on Hawke. I felt like I had beat the bastard at his stupid game"

I felt sad to understand why Varric had secluded us from the masses. He wanted to talk about _her_.

"Losing Bianca for good – even if it is just her mind – is my worst fear" he finished.

I could not shake the grief and pining within my spirit. It almost seemed to suppurate into my bones. This was confusing. It wasn't because of the letter… I felt fear for his transgressions. I wanted to shake Bianca out of him. His suffering was unjust.

That wasn't it, either.

"She is a special, kind soul. Full of joy" I agreed, and I gulped "I see the way you look at her, and I…"

My voice sped up, and swiftly juddered. My fingers tightened around my fork, wanting to impale my heart with it. It wouldn't be sharp enough. This was incredibly vexing. I heard a distant rustling and his warm hand. Touching me… Caressing my agony. It wasn't enough. I wanted more.

"Why are there tears when I made you lunch?" Varric asked slowly. He made a joke "Is it because I forgot the dressing? I knew I missed something"

I laughed, and then I saw them too. Some lonely tears finding succour on my flawless white plate. They wouldn't be comforted for long. I stared at them, trying to understand. Shocked by my own emotions… Varric's love would never be enough because Bianca had claimed him long before me. Just discerning the words disturbed me.

"I have no words for this feeling" I exclaimed in dismay, and my eyes slammed shut out of anguish. I could not see him clearly. My voice ceased to be familiar. It was that little girl. She was trying to break free of my strong holdings on her. The chains, the profuse iron bars. My Seeker training had brought me such mental clarity and wisdom before this. Where did it go? Clearly the Seekers of Truth had not met Varric. They could not know how to conform to his crude mannerisms and smile.

After a long moment where my throat threatened to rip itself from my body, I opened my eyes. The world seemed afresh. I caught the whiteness of the surrounding mountains, the discrete chill of frost on my bare skin. The fragrance of the rocks on the ground, the gravel, the thick beads of dirt… and then I felt his thumb trace my face like he had against the book shelf, searching for my grievances. Trying to close the black hole. Was he succeeding? His eyes were contracted, worried… he had glimpsed what it was. I could tell he didn't like it.

"You…" he cleared his throat. His voice was like it had been in the library – soft and like fresh nectar from a flower "You _love me_, don't you Seeker?"

My old nickname. How I hated it. It reminded me of the times when he gave me a bitter taste in my mouth, the endless groans of annoyance. The moments I wanted to kick him in the groin and then crush its non-existent majesty beneath my fingertips. How I wanted to kill him, and resurrect him from the dead enough times to fill an entire graveyard with his feeble entrails. How badly I wanted to hate him now. I had never been part of a worst fight.

"I…" the word sounded foreign, unknown. I was in the fade with those spiders all over again "I d-didn't mean to, Varric. I swear it. On the Divine's crumbled remains. I have always known it would be a purposeless voyage"

"You are so beautiful" Varric murmured. His fingers traced my lips, and I knew he wanted them "Every step you take means something. There is a point to it all. You just might not know where you're going yet"

"Don't be a fool" I breathed, and Varric rest his hand on the side of my face. The tears felt the col brush of the atmosphere. Perhaps they would freeze "I am not going to let you throw away your fairy tale"

"Shhh" Varric put a finger to my lips again "Just feel how you feel for a moment"

_What is the point of that?_ I wondered, but I closed my eyes. I searched those stale prison walls and felt their mossy green tiles. I looked up from a smear of greenish grey grime in a corner. I saw myself. She was very young, possibly around the time Anthony was still alive. Perhaps she had been coaxing flowers in the garden or reading a book from her father's study. Her shoes had soil on them, like she had been keeping very busy.

_What is this?_ I asked her, trying to move forward. I marvelled at how her long hair almost graced the floor. I don't remember it ever being that long. There were so much of those times I had forgotten.

_You always wanted to meet someone like him, remember?_

The girls' voice was innocent and pure: untainted by the harshness of life. I saw her eyes as clear as day – her shorts and shirt were dirty, but she did not mind. There was something to look forward to in life. That was the most important virtue to hold. Purpose and hope.

A fresh wave of tears drenched my olive skin and I felt my teeth threaten to crack under the stress of all this crying. Varric had taken his hand away. I let my face fall into my hands yet again. I struggled to raise my head, and I certainly couldn't see past the blur.

"You are a sin by the Maker's name" I pronounced, voice croaking. I wouldn't let the emotion beat me "You are an absolute disgrace, and yet I cannot stop this lightness in my chest. It is like a boat on a stormy sea. You… You are what hope only _tries_ to be. You make faith look shameful and dirty. You help me believe in life"

Even when I hated him he made me look forward to pinning his callous face in the mud. That was the greatest wickedness of all. Varric was grinning again.

"See, I knew you had euphoria of big words somewhere in there. Does that mean I win?"

"Yes" I laughed "You win, Mister Tethras"

He had helped me make peace with my aching heart. It was like finding a stand to put a collection of expensive hats. I would not break, for there was a new skeleton to coax my broken bones. It didn't hurt any less, but it ceased to crack my spirit. He was right. There was no knowing what is to happen. It was not worth hours of punching a pillow or slicing down trees. This moment – the little time we had to spare in this war… every second was precious. Gratitude and focus was of the essence. There was no time for silly rumblings.

Varric leaned his face closer to mine "How are you going to pay me?"

I smiled wickedly "I can think of a few things'

If Cullen, Leliana or even Josephine had come to find me they would have witnessed two lovers caught in an embrace so tight it would be impossible to decipher who was doing what. The kisses became the sunken black opals in a murky pond with beautiful rainbow fish. I simply existed. It was an exquisite way to be.

That day was important for me besides the presence of the joking dwarf. For I knew I had grown as a person. My self-awareness expanded beyond what I judged as conceivable. The little girl didn't come stumbling into my conscience ever again.


	17. Chapter 17

_Authors Notes:_ This chapter is probably rated M for violent content. Hope you can cope!

* * *

><p>We rolled off each other and onto the hard ground, part grassy and half dirt. The sky was matted with heavy cloud. I breathed heavily as I recovered.<p>

"Did you say you had something important to discuss with me?" I asked him. I reached for his hand, very pleased when he interlocked his fingers in mine. Varric sighed.

"Yeah. It isn't going to be a nice story. You might have to block your ears"

"Is it..?" I began, but he answered for me.

"Bianca" he heaved "I need to tell you something. It is something…bad"

I turned to look at him, marvelling at how composed he could be despite revealing this compelling information. I rubbed his hand with one of my fingers.

"It will not phase me" I assured him. Varric sighed.

"That's what I'm worried about. I… I am not… anyway; it happened a few months before Bianca got married. We used to meet up every couple of weeks. Sometimes there'd be a longer break in between, but we were sneaky. We knew all the places no one else went. It was daring, I almost want to call it stupendous. The times I spent with her were amazing, probably just amplified by the fact we were constantly running"

I nodded "As I understand it, it isn't just Bianca's father who causes problems for you"

"Hell no" Varric gave a small laugh "Because Bianca's dad is a special kind of asshole he has contacts with many Carta groups. Our shit versus your shit, that sort of thing… my family and her family are in complete different leagues from each other. You could almost call them clans the way it is divided. Like a big yellow line in the middle of the road. It isn't called that officially but that's how Bianca and I always saw it"

I stared into his eyes, but he was fixated on the sky. He looked like he had to say it all now or he would never be able to speak again. He paused.

"We're not dumb. We knew how to fight. I had my daggers and she had a sword. She was bloody good at waving that thing around. Usually when we met up it was cut short by thugs. It wasn't ever a problem for us. There was one time we beat them to pieces half clothed! We had a good laugh afterwards"

I chuckled and Varric laughed at the memory. His eyes were shining, but it wasn't just from happiness. There was regret.

"I should have known we weren't able to keep it up. Every time we won, more Carta cronies would come flocking in. We tried even harder to hide. Started visiting each other with larger intervals in between, but I suppose fate wasn't shining down on us on this one particular evening"

He coughed, like he'd choked on his own spit.

"Sorry" he said "Cassandra, I can't describe this one like my other stories. It wouldn't be right. I- I can't"

"It doesn't matter" I smiled "You are still a brilliant storyteller in my mind"

"I don't think you should be thanking me" He breathed "Um… the reason I punched you… there is no justifying it, but I thought you should know… I, uh… Bianca worries me a lot more than she knows. Whenever I see her, I, uh… it is like I relive this night all over again. I haven't ever told anyone else. I need to tell you now you're involved"

_You probably don't think he is very charming right now, but Varric keeps secrets too. _

I tried to ignore Hawke's pestering voice of reason as I focused on Varric's story.

"Go on" I urged him. Varric took a deep breath. His voice started to shake.

"We, um… things had got frisky. Bianca and I had found a spot in a secluded part of Darktown. Nasty, ugly place… I remember looking over her shoulder and found our usual welcoming committee. Only there were so many. It was kind of like an army. I remember saying 'Well, shit. You better have a second sword ready, Bianca'. She laughed and said 'You're my second sword'. It was just as before. We did our thing. There were lots of blood and guts. Decapitated heads. But the problem was we got tired. There were just too _fucking_ many of them!"

He started to sound angry. I squeezed his hand and moved closer to him so I could place a hand on his stomach. Varric sighed, trying to recompose himself.

"It happened gradually, I'd say. One punch to the stomach there, an arrow to the back there. We didn't go down so easily… but we still went down. Bianca almost tripped over and one of the guys grabbed her by the hair. It had grown kind of long by that point. Anyway, he didn't care. He ripped it out."

My heart started to beat faster. The words entered my brain again: _Help, don't tell him. _

"The only reason I knew what had happened is her scream ripped through the night sky like a Dragonling in the Deep Roads. I spun around and threw one dagger at the guy. 'You don't fucking rip a girls hair out, you shit!' I shouted at him. One of them punched me in the face, then I got a nasty blow to the stomach. I went down on my knees. I remember seeing the ground, wishing it wouldn't wobble so I could regain my balance. Nope. Bianca was still putting up a fight. She yelled 'Go, Varric. Just leave me! Let me go!'. I was so mad. I couldn't look but I shouted 'No'. There was no way I was going to abandon her. Not then, not now, not ever."

"Wouldn't Bianca's father be furious if his daughter was harmed?" I questioned. Varric gave a noise of disgust.

"They're the Carta. They don't care. They just want it over with" he resumed where he was in the story "You can imagine my surprise when half of them just left. It was like they'd planned to disable us. Not just me. But I knew it wasn't over, and the Carta jerks saw it appropriate to show me the whole thing"

I paused "What did they do?"

Varric waited a moment.

"Crap, I can't do this. Maybe another time"

He started to turn away, but I grabbed his shoulder and forced him to look at me.

"No!" I commanded firmly. Varric's eyes went wide.

"C-Cassandra… you don't know…"

"That is exactly why you have to tell me" I told him. My eyes were stern, dead set on their goal. "For Bianca's safety"

Varric's eyes darted around and he took some deep breaths "Darn it. You're right. For Bianca's sake"

He rolled back towards the sky, but he grabbed onto my hand with unmatched intensity. I thought he was trying to block off my blood supply.

"They, um… my other dagger was pinned into one of my feet. I still have the scar"

_If you ever want to annoy him tickle his feet, _Bianca's voice echoed in my memory.

"Three guys made sure I wouldn't move, and they gave me a black eye as warning. One of them spat in my ear. He smelt like worms and sewage pipes 'His Lordship Alden Davri, as of now, hereby forbids you from going anywhere within 300 leagues of your princess. That's demanded by the Merchants Guild, scoundrel. For untidy conduct. He asked us to hurt you as an early wedding present. Isn't that nice? Guys?'. God, I'll never forget it. Here they were, three hunky guys sitting on me so I wouldn't move, threatening to slice me if I did. Another four had taken hold of Bianca. They moved her so she was right in front of me. Then the proper crap began"

"What?" I demanded, unable to keep my voice level "what did they do?"

"I'll give you the ever so delightful abridged version. For a full five hours while we starved and got sleep deprived these four bastards tortured Bianca. They beat her senseless – not quite enough to kill her, mind you – but enough to make it hurt. The screams…. Shit. Do you really want to know?"

"Yes, of course" I told him, heart pounding. Varric sighed.

"Can you believe they raped her too? All four of them. They took in turns, the shits. Fuck I wanted them to die. _I _wanted to die"

"I can't even picture it" I said, slowly "Maybe for a few minutes, but not five hours"

"Fuck, it felt like a _whole day_" Varric groaned "Make it end,' I kept saying, 'Stop fucking hurting her.' They shut me up pretty quick. Those filths had no sense of humanity. Absolutely none"

"How did you even watch?" I wondered. Varric gave a humourless laugh.

"Her bloody sword was lying a few feet away. I tried to stare at it for as long as my eyes would stay open. One of the guys sitting on my back noticed and forced my face toward her. 'You got a great view, ser. Enjoy it' he said. Like hell, I wanted to say. I'd say after the first half an hour I gave up the struggle. Bianca never did – well, maybe by the second hour or so, but by then I was delirious. I hardly remember parts of it"

"It must haunt you" I mentioned "Like Anthony's memories do to me"

Varric didn't properly respond. His features looked strained and tired. This must have taken up all his energy.

"I think the screams and cries I heard from her are more terrible and lengthy than what I've heard in my whole life. Which is a lot. Like a whole other Blight. Still… I never thought human beings could scream for that long, cry like she did… Even when her voice was dying she still wouldn't shut up. It just never ended. My ears hurt. I could have gone deaf. I lost all sensation in my body. The Carta jerks eventually left us alone. They didn't have to do anything more. We were too screwed to move. It was like I couldn't even blink, feel or do anything."

"But it did end" I affirmed, as though to bring him back to the present. Varric seemed a bit calmer now the worst of the story was over, but he still seemed shaken.

"This next part is a lot clearer to me." He began "It was well into the night now. Pitch black. The streets were empty. As I reached behind me to pull out the dagger from my foot, I heard laughter and many boots on the wet pavement. It had been raining earlier that day. Well, yesterday by then. I realized all the other Carta junkies hadn't actually left. They must have been making sure no one else interfered. I would have been angry if I wasn't so tired. I just remember blanking out for a second while my foot bled out."

I rest my hands on Varric's stomach while he continued, as his hand had gotten too sweaty.

"I don't know how much time had passed when I came to. Again. It couldn't have been more than an hour because it still looked the same. I reached my hands in front of me. Kind of surprised I still had hands, to be honest. I pulled my body along the ground like a snake. It was a few meters until I could reach Bianca. It was slow, kind of like trying to swim through quicksand, but as I did this the feeling returned to the rest of my body. It became oddly apparent to me that I was still alive. I reached out a finger to touch Bianca's forearm. She was completely out of sorts. No response at all. I managed to heave onto my knees, wobbling a bit. I accidentally stumbled forward onto Bianca and my hands hit her stomach. I couldn't feel a thing as I looked into her face, observed her body. She was like a corpse, completely unrecognisable. Her clothes were in tatters. Blood…"

Tears filled Varric's eyes again, but this time they were angry. He continued to speak with a steady tone.

"They had tortured her by dislocating her joints, cutting many small incisions along her skin… her… the insides of her legs… they were just _red_. Her… it was almost as though she had a miscarriage or something. Swollen, purple… I hear the skin looks kinda fucked after childbirth. I wouldn't be surprised if she fit that description. It didn't even look like a human body part anymore. More like Darkspawn"

"If this is becoming too difficult, Varric" I said with a business like tone "You do not need to continue"

"No, no, I want to" Varric assured me "It kind of helps to piece it together in my head"

"Very well" I nodded slowly "What happened next?"

A shrewd smile came over Varric's face "Well, now that you mention it. I think I can tell this next part like a proper story"

* * *

><p>The numbness made Varric feel he had been standing in a pool of ice for hours. It wouldn't have been far from the truth. His body did not move like a body should. It shuddered and the coordination was unnatural. A drunk spider might be a better description. He gently tugged at Bianca's arm, as though urging her to wake.<p>

"Bianca…" he said slowly, like learning how to speak "Where… what to do…"

Varric figured the best thing to do would be to try find help. It was an obvious notion, but took him a good few minutes to figure it out. His thoughts would not form. They were blocked like one of the Darktown sewers. He slowly wrapped one arm under her legs, one arm under her shoulders and mechanically stood to his feet. Bianca was not awfully heavy, but Varric felt very weak so it did not help the situation. He breathed jagged breaths, stepped heavy steps. The Darktown street was thankfully still empty. Varric played around with his teeth in his mouth, trying to encourage his body to function properly again. Saliva poured into its corners. He was very thirsty. Hungry, too… as the steps became easier the empty pit in his stomach roared angrily. Where the hell could he go?

_Isn't there a healer somewhere?_ He thought, groggily. Even his thoughts felt unnaturally slow.

Varric groaned as he realized he wouldn't make it there alone. For someone in perfect health it was a mere five minute stroll. To him it would be hours, possibly until morning. He couldn't draw more attention to himself than what was needed. Bianca's head lolled pathetically under his palm. He would drop her if he did not do something.

He swallowed, hard. His throat was dry and scaly. How would he be able to eat like this?

Varric turned to the left. There was a small house a few meters away. Surely people were more humane and helpful than the Carta. He had to try. If he had to die on a stranger's doorstep, at least he _tried_ to save her. There was no other choice.

_It will be fine. People will help._ He had to tell himself as he heaved towards the dusty, oak door. Inane distrust had washed over his body like a sickness. The bricks were cream colored, but looked grey in the dark. It was eerie and unpleasant, but Varric did not have the mental capacity to linger on such things, or even think them in the first place.

He had done it. He reached the door. Varric heaved a shuddering breath as his vision wobbled again. His foot felt like murder. Footprints of blood were mixed in with the dirt path behind him. He couldn't knock, he turned so his back was facing the door and let himself fall back into it.

CLANG

It echoed into the night and disappeared. There were no footsteps coming from inside. Varric tried to reposition his feet so he could try this obscene method of knocking again, but nothing happened. He was stuck in an awkward, unbalanced position. He tried not to look at Bianca's damaged body, her loosely lobbing head. He mustered the last of his voice. He peered his weary eyes to the sky, praying for the Maker. He hoped that for once, He would show Himself and end the suffering. It wasn't much. It would maybe alert mice but not people. Still, he had to try.

"Open up" he croaked, his knees bucking under the weight "Help please!"

Nothing. No sound. Just unnatural levels of exhaustion. Varric's head was very foggy, and it just became worse with a sudden wave of light headedness. With a lack of sensation, he fell onto his knees. He crumpled over Bianca's body. The world went black.

* * *

><p>He felt warm. There was a pleasant wetness across his face. There were voices too. He couldn't yet figure out where he was or what was happening.<p>

"Where did you find him, again?" a confused voice said. It was a man. He had a peculiar accent. He must be around Varric's age. A tearful older woman answered.

"T-They were just at my door. I was just trying to catch the markets. I needed more elf root seeds for the garden, you see. I- I swear I have no idea what happened to them. I panicked for a long while, ser. Gave me a big fright, it did. I thought you'd be better help than me"

There was a crack of some knuckles.

"Yeah, you came to the right place. I'm not going to be able to have breakfast, will I?" he murmured "Oh well, that's life, isn't it? Before you go could you get me a coffee, pretty please?"

"Absolutely, Anders" said the woman. I heard footsteps, and the rearranging of mugs or jars.

_Anders_, Varric breathed a sigh of relief _He's that mage healer, isn't he? Or was he called something else?_

It wouldn't make sense for a stranger to drag him and Bianca to somewhere that _didn't_ have a healer. Varric decided it was best not to dwell on it. The way things were going he'd probably find out just by listening.

"What in the Maker's name happened to this beauty? Bloody mighty she looks awful" the man – Anders - wondered. He sighed. There was a sound that could be nothing more than magic. It had a distinct stutter like a flame in the cold. There was a gushing sound. A piercing shrill as coffee was being brewed over a stove. The sounds became incoherent and confusing to him. Varric tried to open an eye, but everything was blurry. His eye was slightly swollen. The lights were quite dim. He saw a vague outline of Bianca and a man weaving magic over her. He looked well groomed. So he was a healer. The light dancing from his palms had a comforting, pale blue glow.

"Forget the coffee, Batilde. Can you get that towel over there and wipe this girl down? I don't fancy dabbing between her legs. If you'd be so kind…"

"Oh, no trouble, Anders" Batilde answered. More footsteps. Varric stayed very still as Batilde lifted something off his face.

_So they had a warm, wet towel on my eye?_ Varric thought. _Whatever works._

"Maybe she was raped by Darkspawn" Anders chuckled "Maybe a troublesome crook gave her a good roughing up"

"I wouldn't joke about that, ser. What if she can hear you?" Batilde said worried. Anders seemed amused by her nativity.

"No, she wouldn't even be able to hear herself _breathe_. That's how utterly, completely ruined she is. It's so tragic. People are so cruel"

_Yes, they are. _Varric agreed. He had a silent note to himself that being raped by one darkspawn was probably better than what did actually happen to her. But he wouldn't tell him. He had no patience to replay the events he was still trying to process himself. Varric saw the foggy outline of Batilde wipe Bianca down with a towel.

"I'll have to make you some tea, Batilde." Anders ranted "I don't usually ask lovely onlookers such as you to help out, but as it stands I have my hands occupied"

"It is lucky that dwarf wondered outside _my_ door." Batilde said "I have some horrible neighbors. They probably would have shot him once and be done with it"

"What are the chances the dwarf on the sofa is her attacker?" Anders wondered "Is that too morbid? Experience tells me no. I'll keep an eye on him"

"It…wasn't…me" Varric groaned "She's my girlfriend"

"Oh, there he is. Good morning! Well, I suppose I should change my tone. 'Such a horrible morning'" he chuckled to himself. Varric sighed.

"Thanks" he struggled to think how to finish his comment "you two"

"Right" Anders did some fancy magic thing with his hands "I am aware of how inappropriate this question is – but seriously, who double crossed you star struck lovebirds? Did you run into the center of an explosion?"

"Don't want to say" Varric grunted. Batilde sounded furious.

"Anders! Leave the poor sod alone. He's done nothing bad. He was just trying to save his sweetie"

"Yes, yes…" Anders didn't appear to be listening "If I was allowed to mingle with my patients – which I do, anyway - I'd suggest some serious male bonding is in order – do you know what I mean? A beer or two, some dancing… make a show out of it. You look like you need it"

I sighed. There was the sound of a towel being washed and reapplied. It became a lot quieter. Anders withdrew his spell.

"Well, she should be good now. At least I hope so. Pray to the Maker, I say"

_What an idiot,_ Varric thought. He was about to fall asleep from relief but a hand grabbed his face. He squirmed. It was clammy so it felt gross.

"Settle down, I'm not going to kiss you or anything. Maker, no!" Anders laughed at his little joke "How about you stay still? I'm just going to fix your black eye – make it easier to see. The rest should heal up pretty nicely by itself, provided you don't go tackle a wall. Ok? Is that fair?"

Varric nodded. He wondered if Anders would be any less chatty if he had breakfast. Varric saw behind his eyes light blue appeared and warmth spread through his jaw and neck, fizzling out at his shoulders. Anders removed his hand. Varric finally opened his eyes, and he was met with the gaze of his healer. His vision almost seemed better than it had been before the injury.

Anders was well groomed, as Varric had guessed. He had golden hair, brown eyes and a look of mischief about him. A chunky golden earring was poking around his right ear. His face was quite narrow, skin smooth and clear with a pointed nose. The lack of pointy ears suggested he was human. He was wearing a velvet tunic with a high collar, long sleeves and a black robe. He was very tall and slim, with a dab of stubble around his chin.

"Look at those lovely eyes" Anders cooed "You've got me all aflutter"

"Let me see her" Varric interrupted. He got on his feet and scurried over to the table where Bianca lay. Anders had done a good job. All the cuts had completely vanished and her lady parts had resumed their normal size and shape. He had to poke underneath the towel to see. He did it discretely, though. Not a single drop of blood remained. Batilde tapped Varric on the shoulder.

"Won't be long, then" She said. She had long silver hair that went down her back "A little more patience and she'll be up, I'm sure"

Varric stared at her face. Bianca looked peaceful, even though bruises remained. A few loose strands of hair were still poking off her scalp. The lack of hair was the most abnormal thing left now. Hopefully she wouldn't miss it too much.

Bianca stirred. Varric's heart raced. Anders had gone to retrieve his coffee. He was standing in the corner. Then finally she opened her eyes. She squinted from the light.

"Where is this?" she said slowly and she coughed "I don't… last thing I remember is that jerk pulling my hair out"

Her fingers nervously slid to her scalp, and her face fell.

"Goodbye hair" she said sadly. Anders strolled over.

"You're in my clinic, little miss" he said "I'm Anders. A new face around here, I'll admit. But this was the only place secluded and filthy enough to please me. I know. My tastes are questionable. But I've healed you now, and you owe me no coin. Not a cent. That's just how generous and lovely I am"

Bianca tried to sit up, but she was obviously still very weakened "T-Thanks – Anders, right? Varric…" she turned to him now "What happened?"

"You blacked out" Varric explained "One of the undesirables hit you over the head. They beat me up too and left. It really hurt"

The only thing close to the truth in that sentence was 'It really hurt', but Varric was used to telling lies for his work. This would be just the same. At least, he aimed to disassociate himself from the experience as much as possible, starting now. He caught eyes with Anders. He knew that Anders knew he was lying, but he hoped Anders would shut up and sip his coffee instead of commenting.

_Thank the Maker_

Anders had taken the high road and sipped his coffee.

_Good riddance,_ Varric thought. There was a lot left to do. Bianca needed some clothes, for one. It was going to be a very long day.


	18. Chapter 18

_Authors notes:_ So I know I've been updating a lot. I guess I am as into the story as some of you are XD Please don't fall behind, I love all the support! Rating is back to T.

* * *

><p>My brain has gone into mission mode. It was brainstorming at top speed, coming up with as many ideas as possible. Varric looked like he'd aged a decade.<p>

"You told me you met Anders _after_ you ran into the Champion of Kirkwall" I said suspiciously. Varric laughed.

"It isn't a complete lie. He didn't recognize or remember me the next time we met. I don't think Justice had totally corrupted him when he healed Bianca. Hell,_ I_ hardly recognized him. He looked nearly as different as he sounded"

"I see" I curled my lip. The memories of when I kidnapped Varric didn't seem like they'd happened too long ago. "You were safe after Anders took care of you then?"

"We were" Varric smiled "Got Bianca some new clothes and a wig, then we parted ways"

"Just like that?" I beamed "You did not discuss anything more?"

"Can't do. We were used to it. We just waited until we could write letters – which reminds me, the next letter I received from Bianca had the design for the _crossbow_ Bianca – and instructions on who to bring it to"

"Ah" I said, not sure how else to respond. Varric smiled weakly.

"The next time we met it was a week before her wedding. She was in tears. That's when I promised her we'd get through it. We'd be together one of these days. And hopefully because of you, Cassandra, it'll finally happen after a year or so"

I nodded weakly.

_If Bianca makes it to one year,_ I thought.

"She still does not remember then?" I pressed. Varric shook his head.

"No, but I always worry with that husband of hers…" he sighed "Maybe if things got too crazy it would all come flooding back. Like I said – I am terrified that would be the end of her. She'd go mad and be longer able to function. And she says I worry too much"

A number of thoughts passed me but none of them were the right thing to say.

"Have you heard from her recently?" I questioned. Varric gave a nervous run through of his hair.

"So far, so good, she says. I don't know though. I _really_ hope she's not lying to me. It wouldn't be the first time that's happened" Varric didn't look like he wanted to think about it.

It was easy to remain straight faced. I pretended it was work.

"I'm certain since I'm involved she would not be foolish enough to tell no one of her situation" I said carefully. Varric sighed.

"Who would she tell?" he wondered "Bah. Never mind. You must be sick of me talking"

"Don't worry about Bianca" I soothed him. I ran my hand over his stomach "She is a strong girl. She'll manage"

"Yeah. Always got daggers poking out her pantyhose"

A plan had formed in my mind. I needed to finish my letter. I also had to intervene early without Varric finding out… or Bianca.

I stood up and brushed the last of the dirt from my clothes.

"There are things at the War Table that need attending to, Varric. I'm sorry I have to leave so suddenly"

Varric waved his arm "Nah, I've kept you too long. Just one quick thing before you go though…"

I peered at his face, standing over him "Of course"

Varric picked his words with care "Uh, if Bianca contacted you somehow… and things weren't a glistening paragon of virtue – you would tell me, right?"

I kept my face stony, stern. My heart even stayed put while I observed his puppy eye demeanor with a disassociated blankness.

"Don't be stupid, Varric" I told him "I would not hesitate for a second. From the information we have we can only conclude things must be going well, as she said"

My deception skills had not slipped despite me being infatuated – even in love – with the dwarf. He had no idea. Varric let out a breath of relief.

"Good" he let go of me "I'll let you submit yourself to torture now"

"Thank you" I smiled "Maybe we could see each other later"

Varric just smiled and nodded.

_Yes, I'll see you after I've made my next move, Varric._ I thought evilly. It felt kind of fun to deceive him again, like kidnapping him and locking him in a cell while I questioned him.

Maybe Bianca was right. Maybe I was into sadism after all.

* * *

><p>I finished my letter first. I didn't change much of what I had previously written. I simply wrote it out again for good measure. I burned the old one. I also re-wrote the address for my own records. As I gave the letter to one of the officers, Cullen passed me with a high pile of books in his arms.<p>

"Lady Pentaghast" he stumbled "Lovely to see you again. How were the Emerald Graves? Dorian tells me they could build a city with the amount of trees"

"He is not wrong" I agreed, and I walked beside him "It was tolerable. Would you like some help?"

"Oh, no, Cassandra" Cullen laughed "This helps me uphold my musculature"

"Are your muscles something the Inquisitor enjoys, Commander?" I probed slyly. Cullen blushed.

"Don't speak so loud, Cassandra' he mouthed "I don't want Dorian picking up my – I don't know – air of nervousness from a mile away"

"I'm certain he will come running in a second" I smiled. Cullen gave a nervous laugh and calmed down.

"How are you?" he asked.

"Actually, I was wondering if I could speak to you in private, Commander" I said quietly. Cullen's eyebrows rose from behind the books.

"In private?" he repeated "O-Of course, Seeker Pentaghast"

I peered around him and a spare room was present. I pushed him inside.

"This room is fine" I said.

Cullen struggled to hold onto the books as I forced him inside. A few of them fell, but once I locked the door he refused to pick them up. He grinned nonchalantly.

"What on _earth_ is so important that you need to lock the door, Cassandra?"

He picked at some hair on the back of his neck nervously. I picked more of the books off him and put them on the floor.

"I need your help, Commander" I said firmly. I was half a meter from him now. "There is a matter of concern to me which requires absolute secrecy"

"Secrecy?" Cullen's eyes widened "I have my Templar recruits. Although, I'm uncertain I am the best person. Have you spoken to Leliana?"

"I _will_ speak to Leliana" I said determined, anger leaking into my voice. My hands clenched to fists "But I need you to do something for me too"

"Ah, yes, I will try help if I can" Cullen put the last of the books on the floor "Please tell me, Lady Pentaghast"

I breathed deep and flickers of my persona who was enamoured with Varric came pouring through.

"Varric has a lover already. Did you know this?" I demanded. Cullen's brow furrowed in concentration, like he was trying to remember something.

"Yes, he has his crossbow, doesn't he?" Cullen mused "I do not know the details, I admit. I have been too well-mannered to ask"

"He wouldn't have told anyway" I said quickly "That is not important. The problem is his lover is married to a deranged man. An abusive scoundrel of the Orleasian variety"

Cullen smiled shrewdly "An Orleasian rascal… they don't get much worse than that, do they?"

I grinned. We may be slightly racist but it was all in good humour.

"She is trying to separate from him, but he is being nasty" I continued, and I started to pace. My hands did as much speaking as my mouth "She needs to be free from hardships, under any circumstance. I promised I'd help her, but I cannot show my face there. Could you do this for me, Commander?"

I stopped in my tracks, praying for sympathy. Surely Cullen of all people would understand. He knew my quarrels with Varric. Cullen looked confused.

"Are you helping Varric and this B-Bianca _get back together_?" he asked incredulously "My, my, Seeker… you are far more selfless than I. I would encourage Varric to forget about her, if it was me"

"They have a long history" I said crudely. Bitterness filled my demeanour "Asking Varric to forget about her would be impossible. It would be like asking you to not drink a shot of whiskey in the morning"

Cullen's face softened. It looked like he understood. His voice became light "What a troublesome life you do lead, Seeker. I hope this will not add to your list of bad memories"

"Varric adds to my list of pleasant memories, not the other way around" I explained. I rubbed the muscles between the bridge of my nose "even if it does sadden me"

"Seeker…" Cullen could sense my pain. He moved closer to me "We must have a drink later. What do you say?"

I nodded "Yes, that would be nice"

Now it was Cullen's turn to pace.

"Right, so you're in a complicated relationship with these two dwarfs, far more twisted then I'd envisage as possible. What would you like me to do about it?"

I put my hands on my hips, my diplomatic self-returning.

"Unless you have a better idea Commander, I would like you to meet up with Bianca in Orlais. I would like you to speak to her for me"

"So she's away from her husband, yes" Cullen picked out some parchment out of one of his pockets and a quill from his coat "This seems reasonable so far. What would you like me to talk to her about?"

"I need to know exactly what her husband is doing. His mannerisms, the abuse… even if Bianca gets complacent, you must not waver, Commander… The information is of utmost importance"

"Yes, I understand, Cassandra" he scribbled madly on the parchment "Is there any circumstance where I should take further action?"

I thought hard. This was a crucial question. Other possibilities always had to be taken into account.

"If she is having trouble with filing out or submitting the paperwork, Commander, I would like you to talk her through it. She is very vulnerable at present"

"Divorce is not a good thing to get mixed up in " Cullen noted "In fact the very thought makes me squeamish. No matter. How would you like me to approach her?"

"Send her a letter" I commanded "Be elusive and sneaky. If her husband was to read it – it must be _vague_ and acquitted, Commander"

"Can you believe I'm good at vague, Cassandra?" Cullen smiled. I nodded.

"Am I asking something unreasonable of you?" I asked him. Cullen sighed.

"I'll admit it seems odd to get the Inquisition mixed up in your personal life, Cassandra – but I judge you no less. You know this has to be done, and I'm sure Varric will be happy with the result"

"If we can contain the violence, it will be" I finished. Cullen nodded strangely.

"Yes…" his voice trailed away. He started to pick up the books "If that is all I will get to it straight away. I assume you have her address?"

"I do" I smiled. In fact, I had brought it with me "I will write it down for you, Cullen"

I did. Cullen read it with squinty eyes.

"Val Royeaux?" he jumped "that Bianca's in the deepest kind of puddle, isn't she?"

"I must go, Commander" I said quickly "I need to speak to Leliana – oh, and don't tell Varric"

"I wasn't going to tell Varric. I'm not that stupid, Cassandra" Cullen laughed "Oh, before we meet up for drinks I have one more question"

I grinned, remembering our last meaningful conversation "I guess I'll _try_ answer one more"

Cullen snorted sheepishly "You said this Bianca must not be in any immediate danger. May I ask why?"

I hesitated. Telling Cullen couldn't hurt, could it?

"It is a grave risk to her mental solidity" I said shortly "It is imperative she stays relatively safe for this reason"

Cullen stared at me for a long while.

"I understand, Cassandra. I may not agree but I am not going to dismiss your wishes" he started to pick up his books again "I'll see you at dinner"


	19. Chapter 19

I tried to avoid thinking back to that night in the library as I climbed the stone staircase to its apex. Leliana was in the middle of writing a report. She was perched against the wall, her clipboard inches from her face. She didn't notice me until I reached her side.

"Hello Leliana" I smiled. Leliana jumped.

"Cassandra!" she threw a hand to her chest, breathing heavy. "How have you been? It feels like an eon since we last spoke"

"You don't look that old, Leliana" I joked. Leliana sighed.

"Age does not always show itself in the skin, Cassandra" she sounded weary "I feel it in my legs when I wake up in the morning. It is absurd"

"Have you been well?" I asked. Leliana smiled.

"Yes. I worry that I will not finish this report in time, so if you could be quick I'd be very grateful"

"Ok, I will try" I tried to rearrange my thoughts "I need to find out information about someone"

"An Inquisition someone?" Leliana quipped "Or a different kind of person?"

"Different" I said shortly Leliana's eyes brightened.

"I guess I can put aside my stupid report for a friend like yourself, Cassandra" she put her clipboard down "Who would you like me to take care of?"

"I don't want him dead' I said strongly. Leliana looked surprised "I just need as much information uncovered about him as possible"

"Sneaking behind enemy lines, I take it?" Leliana said "Certainly. That can be arranged. What is his name?"

"Alden Davri. There is also a man located at this address" I passed her the piece of paper "I need to know as much about him as I can, as well. Do whatever you believe is necessary"

Leliana eyed the paper suspiciously "Alright. I'll send some agents over as soon as my report is done. As much as I want to ask more questions about this, I must get back to work. It will have to wait another time"

"Thank you Leliana" I smiled.

I left the tower with a sense of justice. Perhaps Bianca would feel reassured with my intervention.

* * *

><p>"What did you tell the Inquisitor about my idea?" I asked Cullen. We were sitting in the corner of the dining room. Most had already left from dinner, so it was quiet. Most of the lighting had vanished. I had agreed to meet up with Varric after my chat with the Commander. Cullen's face was pink. He had a glass of wine in his hand.<p>

"Family matters. Told her my sister wanted to give me a good yelling at"

I laughed "That will have fooled her"

"Yes" Cullen said slowly, twirling the wine in his glass "So tell me about this Bianca. It doesn't sound like you hold any ill feelings toward her?"

"I met her briefly" I explained "she seemed like a nice lady"

"Does Varric speak of her often?" Cullen inquired.

"Only recently" I explained "He does not like to talk about her"

"I see" Cullen sipped the wine, closing his eyes to relish the taste "If my lady was seeing someone else I think I'd scull all my lyrium without a second thought"

He grabbed my fingers from under the table with his glove covered hands. I almost jumped I was so shocked, but the calmness in his face comforted me "Tell me about your sorrows, my dear Seeker friend"

Cullen probably wouldn't have asked this if he wasn't tipsy, but it was not much concern. I had my share of alcohol in my system too. I sighed.

"If I could stop seeing Varric, I would" I admitted "but the thought of not spending time with him is more painful than the thought of him being with Bianca"

"He must think of her a lot" Cullen pondered "Does that not bother you?"

"Of course it bothers me" I derided, and I sipped my drink "but I cannot do anything about it"

Cullen shook my hand from under the table "Cassandra, Cassandra... If only Varric could choose one of you"

My eyes widened "Do you think I should ask him to choose?"

"_I_ would" Cullen corrected "but perhaps I am too nasty. You should do what you think is right"

The idea of forcing Varric to choose seemed childish and self-defeatist. It would be as much use as trying to fit a horse into a full stable. Besides, Varric and Bianca had earned their love. They deserved to be together, even if that meant sacrificing me in the process.

"That is not something I can push Varric to do" I finished "He will choose on his own, but I fear he has already chosen her"

"Hmmm" Cullen let go of my hand, as though he'd just realized what he'd be doing "Maybe we could hook you up with one of my strapping young Templar recruits. What do you think?"

"I am not in the mood to make things more complicated" I settled. I rest my chin on my hand "Maybe when I've helped Varric with Bianca I'll consider it"

Cullen smiled "Good girl."

I turned to him, shocked. It was like seeing him for the first time. His eyes were shining with honest gratitude. He deeply cared for me. He was a true friend.

"You don't do selfish things nearly enough" he said "You ought to give yourself more credit"

* * *

><p>I knocked on Varric's door, stumbling a little from my drink.<p>

"I was wondering when you'd get here" Varric said as he opened the door "I was starting to wonder if Cullen had put a spell on you"

"There's nothing between Cullen and I" I blurted out "He has the Inquisitor"

"And you have me. Same difference" Varric smiled. He held out a hand "come in"

I blamed the alcohol for my next comment "Are you trying to say… I'm not sure what you're suggesting"

"You're a very attractive woman" Varric noted "I wouldn't be surprised if you went skinny dipping in a pool to show off. After all, Bianca's existence must piss you off"

"You think so?" I wondered, and I sat down on the ground. Varric sat on a chair "she doesn't make me angry"

"Really? I have never met another human being who doesn't get jealous"

"I'm not jealous" I said shortly. Varric leaned forward in his chair.

"Tell me the truth, Cassandra"

I started to take off my boots to distract myself "You already know. But it is nice of you to be concerned"

"You cry about her but you're not jealous?" Varric brought his hands together "I guess I could see how that would work"

"Are you trying to make me confess some mad secret because I've been drinking?!" I yelled. Varric laughed.

"Something like that"

"Why? What do you want to know?" I raised my voice. Varric sighed and passed me a glass of water he had next to him. I took it and drank it in one big gulp.

"What do _you_ think I'd like to know, Cassandra?" Varric said airily. I threw the cup at him, but he caught it.

"Don't give me your bullshit again" I said "You should be bowing down on your knees for me offering to help you so selflessly"

"See, I knew you were mad" Varric looked calm for someone who had just retrieved information he was looking for "Do you want me to wine and dine you? How can I make it up to you for falling for Bianca first?"

My arms shook. I threw my boots to the side of the room. I hugged my knees.

"There's nothing" I said finally. I heard Varric step up from his chair. His voice was closer now.

"I know I can't fix it. Hell, I don't even know if I'll ever see Bianca again, but I'd like to make you feel better if I can." He lowered his voice to a whisper "What would you have me do?"

"I said there's nothing!" I yelled, and I looked into his eyes. He did not react. He was pitying me. He felt sorry for me, the bastard. I did not need him to look at me like a pet!

"In the library… were you imagining I was her?!" I yelled. Tears were coming down my face again, but they were silent. My rage overrode it. Varric laughed.

"What?"

"Do you fantasize about Bianca when you look at me?" I repeated "Is she in every word of your books?"

Varric looked shocked. He sat down next to me. He was so short that we were the same height when we were seated.

"Only every third chapter or so" Varric said plainly, and he looked straight at the wall "and I leave thinking about Bianca for when I'm alone"

I laughed "You're such a predictable man"

"Really? How am I?" Varric challenged. I smiled wickedly. I got on my knees and knocked him on the shoulder.

"Does she make you want to touch yourself?" I jeered. Varric looked either confused or annoyed- maybe both.

"What kind of screwed up question is that?"

"Tell me, Varric" I urged him, moving closer to his face "All men do it. You don't need to pretend you don't"

"I have an even better question for you, Cassandra" Varric tested. He moved so he was facing me. "Have you ever touched yourself in your _life_?"

I smiled. The alcohol had gotten the better of me "If you answer me, I'll answer you"

"Fine" Varric crossed his arms "Yes"

My lips twitched, as I knew I had to keep my end of the deal.

"Unsuccessfully"

"Huh?" Varric seemed very interested now "You'll have to spell it out for me"

I started laughing. My voice jittered from nerves "I have _tried_"

Varric waited "And?"

"And it did not work" I concluded. I laughed at Varric's confused expression.

"You're either really inexperienced or tragically uncoordinated" he mentioned "How did we even get onto this topic?"

"I don't know. We were talking about Bianca" I giggled. Varric snorted.

"I don't think I've ever seen you talk like this. It's becoming the highlight of the night. I should think of a joke"

I continued to giggle while Varric failed to think of a joke.

"Do you think about me when you're alone too?"

Varric put on a voice of mock surprise – drenched in sarcasm and amusement. "You know, sometimes I even think of you and Bianca _together"_

I laughed, but then I went silent.

"I can't tell if you're lying"  
>Varric smiled "Neither can I"<p>

He ran a hand through my hair. I closed my eyes. Cullen was stupid for asking me to forget. That would be impossible. Varric leaned forward and kissed me. It was so simple, but it made my body explode with a desperate need. I grabbed his face so he couldn't pull away.

"I know how you can make it up to me" I said finally, and I rest my hands on Varric's shoulders.

"What?" He asked. I grinned and leaned to his ear.

"You can make love to me"

Varric sighed "You're drunk, Cassandra"

"So?" I asked.

"You were nervous when you weren't drunk. I don't want alcohol cheapen the experience"

"Maybe I want a cheap experience" I mentioned. Varric shook his head.

"No, you don't."

"Yes, I do" I urged him. Varric smiled.

"Don't play this game with me"

"Listen to me!" I shouted, and I hit him across the face. My hands flew to my mouth. I didn't mean for that to happen. Varric blinked.

"Ouch"

I did not hesitate. I crawled towards Varric and kissed his face, trying to make up for my error. Varric smiled.

"You're not having me" he said. I didn't listen. I ran a hand down his stomach and rest it on the inside of his leg. Varric didn't move.

"Do you not want me?" I asked. Varric stirred.

"I do." He pushed himself away "How about I read to you until you sober up? Then we'll see if your opinion changes"

"Fine" I groaned "It better be a good story"

"Of course it will be" Varric grinned. He got on his feet "I wrote it"

My eyes closed as Varric's wondrous voice filled my ears and planted images in my head. He picked the place in _Hard in Hightown_ I told him I'd gotten up to. It was nice to not think about all the drama.

* * *

><p>What felt like a few hours later and my movements felt more sturdy. I was lying on the ground, curled up on my side. Varric had placed a blanket over my body when I hadn't been alert enough to notice.<p>

"She awakens" Varric smiled. I rubbed my eyes. His room was dark. It was also cold.

"Was I asleep?" I demanded, groggily. The night's events returned to me. Cullen's honest smile, Varric poking fun at me… me asking for his body... I blushed.

"You were. I suppose I was too boring" Varric said. I sat up. My throat felt dry.

"No!" I protested "I love hearing your stories"

Varric seemed tired.

"Did you sleep?" I asked him. Varric sighed.

"Only a little. I was worried you'd come to and think I'd kidnapped you"

"I hadn't drunk _that_ much" I said. Varric laughed.

"Obviously enough that we talked about masturbation"

"That wasn't my fault!" I said defiantly

"Who's was it, then?" Varric queried. I groaned.

"The wine"

Varric laughed. I turned pink. I looked at Varric. His face was composed, peaceful. I was almost tempted to jump into his bed with him. He grinned.

"What was that?"

"What was what?" I wondered. He wouldn't stop smiling.

"That look on your face. You know what I'm talking about"

I smiled, and I only glanced away for a second, instead of turning away entirely.

"Would it be rude if I join you?" I pointed to his bed. Varric shook his head in amusement.

"You know I'm not going to say no to that, Cassandra"

I scrambled to my feet and stopped at the edge of Varric's bed. I recalled what I had said when I was drunk, and decided it was time to make my intentions clear. I pulled off my jacket and shirt. Varric's eyes went wide.

"C-Cassandra…" he began "What's going…"

I stifled him with the old 'throw clothes in Varric's face' trick. I took a shuddering breath and savoured the air on my skin. There was now only my bra on the top half of my body. Varric pushed my clothes away, and his eyes lingered on my chest. He didn't say a word. His eyes tilted up to reach mine, and I could tell he was searching for me. Where is Cassandra, he must be thinking. A thin smile reached my lips.

"I want you to look at me" I instructed him, and I held my breath as I slid off my pants, leaving my underwear. I tried not to shiver as goosebumps flurried up my legs and arms. It was very cold. Varric still didn't speak. He was too busy staring at me. He looked hungry for me. Calculating.

_This would be enough for now,_ I reasoned. I climbed onto the bed and touched his face. Committing every wrinkle, dimple and bit of stubble to memory… I was determined to remember this moment as much as all the others. Varric kissed my cheek.

_Why was he more likely to hold back in provocative situations such as these?_

Wanting to tempt him further, I put my reservations to the back of my mind.

_Don't worry about being nervous. It's just part of your charm,_ Cullen's conversation with me was reassuring. Uplifting, even. I felt like I could be confident now. I kissed Varric's mouth, slowly… carefully. There could be no mistake. There was nought but darkness. As he ran his hand over my face I reached back behind me and unclipped my bra. Varric heard it fall off. He jerked awkwardly, and then he kissed me deeper, more willingly. I almost fell forward as I moved myself closer. I was so close my nipples touched him. Varric groaned.

"I'm trying _really hard_ to be gentleman here" he muttered. He wouldn't open his eyes "Don't screw this up for me"

I giggled, and I was shocked by how unintentionally seductive it sounded.

"You know I won't leave you alone, Varric"

I kissed him again while I reached for his hands. Varric seemed to know what I was going to do. He fought against me. I was stronger. I rubbed his hand with my thumb. I ran a small trail of kisses up his neck. Varric kept his gaze on the wall over my shoulder.

_Why won't you look at me_? I wondered, and my eyes searched him for answers. There were none. I realized he wouldn't let me bring his hands toward me, so I brought them up instead.

Forgetting all inhibition, I slid his fingers into my mouth. Varric groaned. He glared at me.

"For Maker's sake" he growled, and he wrenched his fingers from my mouth "You're a more terrible influence than I thought"

"Give in to the influence then. You're obviously not terrible enough" I teased.

Varric sighed.

"Why are you avoiding me?" I asked him. Varric clenched his jaw.

"You know why" he avoided my eye "I want you"

"Then have me!" I exclaimed. Varric fidgeted uncomfortably.

"I don't want to in case you're still nervous. I'm not a fan of the mental breakdown train"

I leaned forward and kissed Varric's neck again "I am willing to try regardless"

Varric looked surprised. He finally looked at me.

"Are you sure?"

"YES!" I yelled. "Stop being such a monster"

Varric ran a finger down my neck and planted a kiss on my lips.

"I hope you know _you're _the monster here, Cassandra"

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> I laugh evilly at this cliff hanger. That is all.


	20. Chapter 20

_Authors notes:_ Yes, I loved the reviews. I'm a bad person. This is without a doubt M material, but I didn't need to tell you that, did I? PLEASE ENJOY AND REVIEW.

* * *

><p>My pulse quickened. This was it. Varric and I were actually going to do it! I tried to remember the conversations I'd heard about this. Maybe there was an extra piece of advice I had missed. Had Cullen mentioned anything? My concentration sharply plummeted to my body.<p>

Varric was too distracting. His fingers traced my collarbone, down to my chest and he gently explored my breasts with his hands. I shuddered. His hands were rough, but firm. He knew what I wanted. They were like a pleasant fire in the middle of a blistering storm. He wrapped one hand to my back and pushed, urging me to fall into him. It was so hard to balance on my knees it happened without much effort. I moaned into his mouth as my bare chest graced the hard, sharp fabric of his clothes – the surprisingly soft assemblage of his chest hair. His kiss did not end. We outlined the contours of our bodies like explorers seeking for diamonds in a cave. There was uncertainty, danger. What if we slipped and fell?

Varric gasped for breath.

"Oh shit" he groaned. His hands thrashed aimlessly "Please tell me if I'm out of line, Seeker"

"You're not" I murmured. I didn't even care that he used my old nickname "Do what you like"

Varric murmured a tortured plea. "I hope Bianca doesn't hate me"

"Shh" I kissed him "Bianca doesn't mind"

Varric was the panicked one now "I know, I just…"

"Shut up" I heckled. Varric sighed. I rearranged myself so I was sitting over his waist, my thighs at his side. I felt nerves shoot up to my head as I felt Varric's want beneath me. Varric laughed at himself, while also being frustrated.

"Damn it, I can't reach" he grabbed my arm and yanked it "Be nice to me, Cassandra"

I lay down so we were inches from each other's noses. I had never had such a perfect view of his eyes before. It was lighter in here than in the library so I marveled at their brilliance. There were so many layers to the spectrum. Hues of gold, yellow, orange, brown and bronze gleamed inside. I had seen something similar in amber or tree sap once. Varric seemed to do the same for me. I tittered as Varric's fingers reached my groin. The fabric was soft and willing to meld to his hands. He rubbed over the skin through my slightly fraying black underwear. I forced myself to look at the wall, the head of the bed. I let out a strangled moan. Varric smiled understandably when I was confident enough to look back.

"You sound charming" he noted. I screwed up my face.

"Is that good?"

"More than perfect, I'd say" he grinned. I let my weight fall deeper onto his crotch

All the musculature in my face loosened "What should we do now?"

Varric laughed "Don't ask, you'll ruin it"

"You deserve ruining" I snapped. Varric moved from under me.

"I get it" he said, and I moaned again as Varric maneuvered his fingers underneath my underwear and continued to caress the skin, slowly getting faster. A despicable noise appeared – the unmistakable sound of fluids mingling against Varric's warm fingers.

Varric closed his eyes. He looked tormented. I let my hands fall onto his chest and grind my underwear against the hard mound that was his manhood. It pleasured him as well as me. I could see Varric's face contort as he tried to hold back the sound. I kissed him, tasting as much of his mouth as I could. The wetness, the warmth… I had to experience every inch. Varric took advantage of my altered position and tugged at my underwear, urging me to remove them. I did, awkwardly – re positioning my legs, trying not to fall over. I felt how wet I was, how badly I needed him. Varric did too. He slipped a finger inside. I cringed for a moment, but took a few deep breaths. I wished I was more relaxed so he could put more inside. I shot him a look and stepped off the bed.

"You should get undressed too" I advised him "I am getting impatient"

"You didn't need to tell me that"

I looked away while I heard each item of Varric's clothing get removed and thrown onto the floor. I peered back, cautiously. In all the time that had passed I'd forgotten he'd once been injured. It didn't show on his body anymore. The skin was smooth and unblemished. Not even a scar remained. He left his briefs on. I turned around, and nervously scooted my underwear down. Varric didn't move. He observed my face for any signs of distress. My chest rose and fell with each nervous, uneven breath, but I pressed onward. I let the cloth fall to the floor. When I returned to Varric's gaze, I expected him to be looking down below. He didn't. He smiled at me.

"Nicely done" he took a step back "Would you like to assist me?"

I peered at the ground, at Varric. I felt strangely innocent for someone about to lose her body to a man. There was a peculiar nativity about it, like a duck taking its first swim in the ocean. The first leaf from autumn falling from the tree… it was strangely invigorating. I took a step toward him and placed my hands on the sides of waist. I didn't know how to say what I wanted, so I kissed him instead. Varric brought his hands to my waist, cradling their softness between his fingertips. He carefully stepped one of his feet between my own and pressed himself against me. Warm tummy on tummy, legs on legs… it was a comforting an embrace as any, but our bodies had other wants. It would not last. The river between my thighs was pulsating, calling me to return to bed. Is this what Cullen felt as he looked at the Inquisitor with his wanting eyes? I rest my hand at the seam of Varric's briefs and spoke in a voice that was not mine.

"Will you make love to me?" I asked him. I had never sounded more feminine, so unsure. I was naked in my mind, exposed in my soul. This was far more terrifying than not wearing clothing. I didn't want to be the one to force my virginity from my memory. I wanted him to do it. There was nothing more trusting about that. Varric knew. He brushed his nose against my nose, tempting to close the gap. He didn't sound like himself, either.

"I would love to"

He took my hand and we lay back onto the bed, except I was the one resting on the pillow. The soft bed sheets welcomed me, creasing around my curves. Varric climbed up and spread my legs apart, exposing me in full glory. I pressed my teeth together as Varric positioned sheets over us. That was less jarring. Varric planted a kiss on my stomach.

"Are you alright, Cassandra?" he asked. I nodded. He smiled.

"Good"

Half in horror, half in mortified relief Varric shut his eyes. I did too. I felt the wet, warm texture of his tongue as it flicked over my most sensitive area. My legs quivered. I yelped in surprise. I heard Varric's muffled laugh as he soaked up the fluids, pressing hard, then softly. I had no idea what to do. I grabbed his hair. My breathing quickened. I tilt my head back, like I was being electrocuted from the waist up. My toes curled. I moaned.

"Varric…" I breathed. My accent had never been more pronounced.

He answered by adjusting the pressure, the speed. He gently sucked at the skin. The whole area felt swollen, but in the best possible way.

"Uhh…" I moaned, my voice surprising me more with every interval. I felt the bed squeak as I realized Varric must be pleasuring himself as he touched me. I suppose I could not despise him for that. I wasn't exactly helping.

"Please, Varric" I begged. I brought some fingers down low, but he pat my hand. "I don't want to wait anymore"

"I _know_, Seeker" he purred. I opened my eyes and looked at him. His eyes were distraught, mad with want. It was more than a want, but a need. His eyes threatened to flicker closed as he lost himself in the sensations. He climbed up toward me, removing his hand from his briefs and kissed me. I tasted my own fluids, smelt what a naked Varric must smell like. It was a mixture of all the senses, like trying to devour four different meals in one mouthful. Bitter, sweet, and spicy. I breathed deep. Now it was Varric's turn to resemble a drunken dancer as he removed the last of his clothing, positioned over me. I wouldn't have been shocked if my heartbeat could be heard from Josephine's room. Varric laughed.

"You look sea sick" he threw his pants to the side "Are you _sure_ you're not going to start crying all over me?"

"Yes"

But now I'd said it; it seemed so much harder to believe. I kept my eyes on Varric, so I didn't have to look down. It was my last chance to enjoy my paraded purity. Varric was scooping something out from under his bed – protection, no doubt. I heard the stringy plastic roll over him. This was actually happening, wasn't it? My ribs rattled in my chest. That glass of water could be useful right now. The ceiling seemed more like a faraway hill in a mountain range of snow. I drifted away just looking at it.

"Calm down, Seeker" he coaxed, and he fingered at my lower region yet again. I moaned. I was too nervous to make intelligible comments, not even the one that pounded on my brain so outrageously.

_It's Cassandra! _I wanted to say, _don't call me Seeker again, Varric! You know I hate it!_

Nothing. Not even the 'It's' out of the sentence. Not even a glare of insolence. He was too generous with his hands. No wonder Bianca wanted him just by looking. How by Andraste's ashes could she manage with that husband of hers? Simply imagining Varric was as pathetic as wishing your shadow could be a reflection in a mirror. I pushed my hips up slightly as Varric grabbed a spare pillow and placed it underneath. He bit his lip nervously and prompted my thighs to stay apart.

"This will probably hurt" Varric warned me "but whatever you do, don't scream. Dorian is in the room next to mine"

This time my old self returned "_Dorian_ sleeps next to you?"

"Shut up!" Varric mouthed "I don't know how light of a sleeper he is"

I played around with the saliva in my mouth. It was tempting to spit on him, if it wouldn't just dribble back onto me in the process. I was starting to think about whether Dorian would make fun of Varric at breakfast when I squirmed and snapped my legs around Varric's torso. The pain was like being strangled by a Pride Demon. Varric laughed. He stayed still. I tried to focus on my want for him, how badly I had wished this moment would arrive, being in the library with him… reading the smutty literature. The wetness between my thighs was overwhelmingly unnatural. Slowly, the pain dissipated.

Varric pulsed. He pushed himself further, ever closer to me. I covered my face with my palms and I felt a single tear reach the corner of my eye.

"Cassandra, what's happening?" Varric murmured. I bucked my hips, commending him to continue.

"You're far too slow" I complained "Stop making me wait!"

I gasped as Varric pound into me in response. It was like my muscles would break under the strain. I couldn't tell if I was laughing or moaning.

"_Hurry up_!" I said again. Varric pushed a hand over my mouth.

"Don't make me kill you" he breathed. My body was relaxed now, ready for him. He sped up his thrusting. The crude banging sounds were as delightful as a sonnet. Like the erratic expulsions of a camp fire, unpredictable waves of heat shot up my body in uncoordinated zaps. He was the one being noisy now. The moans became lost in my ears. I smelled sweat. I grinned and wrapped my legs around him, my feet pushing his hips further inside. It was so hot… so claustrophobic. I moaned very loud. It was on purpose.

"Varric, you must spank me!" I said as loud as I could. Varric guttered a moan as he tried to decide what to do. He was either mildly amused, or a touch angry.

"Are you _trying_ to wake the Sparkler?" Varric hissed.

_Yes. What did you expect of me?_ I expelled moans of pleasure, at the same time as I reveled in the feeling. I had all the power in the world like this. I felt a sickness, a mad famine to extort Varric for all his wrongdoings. He would have no choice but to oblige. The daring both felt familiar and unwelcome. A surprisingly seductive laugh echoed from my lungs.

"SPANK ME, VARRIC" I pleaded, laughing all the while. I had a terrible sense of humour, and it was becoming all the more apparent to the dwarf as well. Varric couldn't take it. His thrusting became harder, and he was turning red from laughing. The bed had started to quake.

"You're _getting off_ on this, aren't you?" Varric heaved between distension breaths. "Andraste, please guide this wayward soul."

I laughed. It was as much of an answer as anything, and yet I could not pinpoint what about yelling insanities were so pleasurable to me. Perhaps I liked annoying Varric too much.

"Hit harder!" I yelled. Varric bit his lip. He slapped me across my inner thigh like a coachman encouraging his horses to gallop.

"Ow" I moaned, but I ignored the sting. This was just like another fight. I whacked Varric across the ribs. He guttered.

'For shit's sake" he tried to increase the power of his thrusting, but it was pointless. The bed squeaked. "I should have known you were the devil in a beautiful body such as yours. What happened to the – uhh… romantic Cassandra? The poetry – oh god – Cassandra?"

"In the exact same place your dignity is, Varric" I smiled. My next moan was unlike any I had uttered so far. Whatever we were doing, it was working. Varric had hit a particularly sensitive spot on the inside of my body. I became obtusely aware of the tight, sopping walls, so engorged and dangling off a cliff. My head flew back. The pulsations inside were no longer warm – they were an angry, raging fire. Varric and I's moans had started to sync. We were in an intense dance together.

"Say something else crazy, Cassandra" Varric grinned "It was the most _terrible_ thing I've ever heard"

"Did you like it?" I asked him, after a lengthy interval of thriving and sweating profusely. Varric snorted.

"No"

"YOU CALL THAT A SPANKING?" I yelled. Varric pushed my jaw sideways against the pillow in an attempt to quieten me.

"Oh no" Varric smiled in mock protest "You better scream for your precious Chantry"

* * *

><p>Dorian crossed one leg over the other, listening carefully. Yes, they were definitely doing it. But the real question: were Cassandra's obscenities real or a cause for show? Dorian felt very left out in his warm cotton nightgown. He had a mug of coffee in his hand, peering at the shapes in the foam. His wooden chair was horribly uncomfortable, but there was no other choice. He had positioned the chair against the wall. He leaned back, listening closely.<p>

"Fuck, I can't take you anymore"

That must be Varric. Boy, he sounded furious. But why? Was he afraid his politely curious neighbor would be listening? He had nothing against them. If anything, he boiled with an unmatched jealousy. Who was there for him to bang in this broken down castle? Not Varric, for one. Cullen was already taken too. Dorian crossed his arms and glared. Everyone else had gotten to the attractive ones!

"Varric, you're hurting me" came Cassandra.

_Oh what fun,_ Dorian thought, _I wonder if you are hurting her on purpose, you naughty scoundrel _

He sipped his coffee. It was a pleasant morning. The air was crisp and fresh. He had the loveliest view of the grass from his window. The sky was snow-like and blossoming ever brighter. The curtains were nice too, even if they were a tad reedy. His walls were a bit lacking.

It was annoying when he wanted to sleep and he not block out Varric putting quill to parchment at Ungodly hours. Yet he would hear Varric's scribbling so earnestly, and he couldn't for the life of him figure out what Varric and Cassandra were doing. He had suspected Varric's desk was against this wall, while his bed was at the other end. That would explain everything. There were moans… lots of rapid breathing.

Then there was nothing.

Dorian waited, and tested his patience some more. There wasn't even a yelp.

_Did they die?_ Dorian wondered. He put his coffee on the little table in the middle of the room and pressed his ear against the bricks. Not even a twitter.

_Oh, Varric_ Dorian thought wonderingly _What did you do to your lady?_

A knowing smile formed on his lips. He had just thought of the most brilliant joke to toss around at breakfast! It involved Varric, Cassandra and that aggravating crossbow… penetrating spaces it was not designed for. It was a shame. If he was ever going to experiment sleeping with another woman again he figured Cassandra might not be such a terrible choice. He went back to retrieve his coffee, for he missed it too much. He plonked his backside back on the horrible chair. He slurped his coffee- savouring that profound bitterness, like the untouched glory in his boxers. It was a wonderful morning for Skyhold standards.

He jumped as there was a knock on the wall behind him.

"Sparkler… do I need to contract a restraining order against you?"

Varric. He was a tricky rascal. Dorian balanced on his knees and sat backwards on his chair.

"I don't know." He called "What would be the conditions?"

"Shit" Varric mumbled. Dorian smiled and yelled back.

"I am going to get my revenge, you noisy toadstool!"

Cassandra's voice could be heard now.

"Did Dorian hear us, Varric?"

"No, I don't think I did" Dorian said loudly. He smiled. He held his coffee close to him. This brought back good memories. It distinctly felt like a slumber party "Did Varric push you over the edge, Cassandra?"

Cassandra had gone quiet.

"I give you permission to kill him" she told Varric. Their bed _must_ be on the other side of the room, because their voices were as plain as day now.

"You don't want to know what I'm going to do to you, Sparkler" Varric muttered darkly.

"You'll warn me with a letter and a bouquet of flowers, I hope?" Dorian quipped. He pushed his ear right against the cold bricks "Should I alert the Inquisitor that I'm in mortal danger?"

"I'd punch you through the wall if I wasn't mostly unclothed!" Varric shouted. Dorian giggled.

"Are you still wearing socks? What colour are they?"

Varric let out a groan.

"I'm done with you"

There were footsteps, then nothing.

"You forget, Dorian" Cassandra advised him through the wall "Varric was sleeping with _me_"

Dorian sighed. The old gal had a point. Still, Dorian finished the last of his coffee. He would have liked to know what colour socks Varric had been wearing.


	21. Chapter 21

_Authors notes:_ Long chapter this time. Enjoy! Back to T rating.

* * *

><p>Cullen pushed the sweat off his brow. Now was one of the worst times for him to have a flashback, but at least the surrounding scenery was nice. He felt his fingers trembling as the images returned to him: the blinding light of the cage, the cold marble floor. Val Royeaux seemed more like a memory than the one he was reliving. Still, he tried to keep composure. Cassandra had his case of lyrium. He hoped she had destroyed it. Maybe she would even show Varric if she hadn't already.<p>

His breathing slowed. Good. It was working. He was able to re-center himself. Maybe the worst of the lyrium withdrawal was over. He hoped so, anyway. He peered away from the glistening white table and up to the streets. At least his seat wasn't cold.

The sun cast a brilliant brightness upon the city. It was almost like when the Inquisition had gone to the ball. How he quivered at the recollection of a swarm of masked women groping at his backside. It was almost as horrible as the flashbacks he had to endure. Never before had Cullen grasped the luxury of soaking in the many windows and enchanting music Leliana had so often spoken of. It was every treasure she had insisted it was. The streets were bustling with life, upbeat conversation and joyous clatters of coin.

He sighed. He hoped Bianca had gotten his message. He had been so vague she couldn't possibly resist the invitation. He had informed her he'd be here for a stern chatting to. Ask why she hadn't come around for tea and biscuits. He may have mentioned Cassandra so he didn't come off as standoffish. Still, he glanced around madly. How did Royans manage family reunions if they all wore masks?

He had left his guards to wander the markets. They were starving after the journey overnight. He had even removed his armour so he did not attract unwanted attention. It lay in the cart with the horses. He looked so ordinary the Royals probably thought he looked scandalous: a plain shirt with trousers. 'How untidy', they would probably say.

His stomach grumbled. He was, admittedly, still famished. A waitress passed by with some sparkling mineral water. Cullen was too nervous to speak. He just nodded at her.

_Come on,_ _Bianca_. He thought. He looked up at the big clock plastered into one of the buildings. It was 15 minutes past the time he said she should meet him. He hoped something hadn't happened to her. It wasn't a matter of the letter not getting there in time – he'd sent his fastest messenger. It was now, or never.

_Don't tell me I rode here for nothing?_ Cullen enraged. He was just about to order some food when there was a tap on his shoulder.

"Excuse me… Holden, isn't it?"

Cullen had addressed himself incorrectly in his letter. It was one of the names of his soldiers. It was too much of a risk being completely honest about that. It took a few moments to take it in. He spun around.

"Yes, that's me. Wonderful sunny day, isn't it?"

He chuckled, nervously. Two very short people stood next to the table, both with delicate powder blue robes and silver masks covering their faces. It was the worst fashion statement in history, Cullen decided. Still, the thing that drained his confidence most was that there were _two of them_. They were so short their eyes were level when he was seated. A knobbly dwarven hand was presented to him

"Bogdan Landyn Davri. Bianca's husband. Nice to meet you, ser" he said in a rough, deep voice. Cullen mildly studied his features as he returned the handshake. He had thick locks of brown hair and a horrible mess of stubble, like he didn't know how to shave correctly. There was a jagged scar on his neck – someone must have attacked him. He appeared muscular, although it was hard to tell with the clothes covering him up.

_This is going to put a heretic spin on things. _

Cullen cleared his throat.

"You know what they say – three's a crowd" he pushed one of the chairs out "Sit down"

"I wouldn't want to impose on your plans, Holden" Bogdan smiled "I just thought I'd accompany Bianca to her destination. She so often gets lost, you see. I have to keep an eye on her"

"Any other gentleman would have done the same" Cullen agreed. This dwarf seemed ordinary – but Cullen's head was already ringing with warning bells. If he didn't know this Bogdan was abusive he wouldn't have thought twice about it, but the signs were apparent. He was like the looming shadow of a willow tree.

Bianca turned to Bogdan and kissed him on the cheek.

"Thanks, dear-one"

"Anytime, sweetkins"

Cullen shuddered at his horrible choice of pet name, but Bogdan didn't seem to notice.

"Oh, before I go… you seem to have a level head on your shoulders, lad" Bogdan began. Cullen smiled meekly.

"I try, Bogdan. I don't know if I'm always successful"

"Maybe you'd have some insight into what I should do about this. Do you know why Bianca would have lied to me?"

Cullen's eyebrows jumped in mock surprise.

"Did she lie to you?"

"She assured me you were female" Bogdan said airily. "Now, I know you're not a threat. Don't get me wrong. You're a lot to look at but I'm sure you have an object of affection already. I just find it slightly… curious" he paused at the word "Do you know why women act this way, Holden? I can never figure them out"

"Maybe she's just trying to mess with you" Cullen smiled, but he meant every word "My lady does the same to me all the time. All in good humour, of course. She says there's steak for tea, but there so often isn't. Instead, she passes me a plate of biscuits. If it isn't too dreadful a comparison, sometimes it's nice to get some shortbread instead of lamb chops, don't you think?"

Cullen's charming smile must have sealed the deal, because Bogdan let go of Bianca.

"Yes. Biscuits" he laughed "A wonderful analogy if I ever heard one. Aren't you a naughty bloke, eh? You should come around the estate sometime. I'm sure I could coax Bianca into baking a cake with some tea"

"I would love to" Cullen forced a grin, but he felt sick at the thought. Bianca looked dispassionately at the silky pavement. She had some charming blonde hair – it's a shame she kept it pinned back with bronze clips.

With a small wave, Bogdan finally walked away. Bianca waited until he was out of sight until she sat down on the seat opposite him and pulled off her mask.

"Lord, it's great to get that stupid thing off." She groaned. She turned to look at Cullen "I know your name isn't Holden, by the way"

"You're very sharp, Bianca" Cullen noted. A waitress reappeared and Cullen wished her away with a flick of his finger "Pleasure to make your acquaintance. It's Cullen. I'm an ex Templar recruit"

"Varric told me about you in one of his letters. I get it" Bianca smiled. Cullen leaned back in his chair. He felt he could relax around Bianca. She had clear, smooth ivory skin, cherry lips and blue eyes. Even though they had only just been introduced, Cullen felt he could grow to like her. She had a to-the-point attitude that was refreshing. No wishy washy girly nonsense from her. He wondered if she had inherited this rom Varric, or if she had influenced her love.

"So tell me" Bianca fanned some air onto her face "why did Cassandra send you?"

Cullen sighed "She told me that apparently your husband is… a bother to you"

Bianca's expression vanished. She looked into the distance, as though seeking out someone else to join the table

"My husband is a 'bother', huh?" she repeated.

Cullen nodded. He put his elbows on the table "That's the word back at Skyhold, yes"

"Hmm" Bianca smiled in a puzzled way "Why else did she send you?"

Cullen crossed his arms. Obviously this clever girl wasn't going to give up her holdings without a fight. Cullen was willing to play. It was just like a game of chess. It was his turn to move.

"How's life in Val Royeaux? You don't like the masks, I see"

"Who actually _likes_ the masks, that's what I want to know" Bianca said annoyed. She still was peering into the distance.

"Bogdan maybe?" Cullen suggested. Bianca laughed.

"He hates them as much as I do. The only reason he wears them is to save face"

"Is that something he does often?"

One of Bianca's eyes flittered towards him, but it did not linger for long.

"How's stuff with you? Is being an ex Templar soul destroying?"

"The paperwork, yes" Cullen smiled "the lyrium withdrawal isn't a walk in the park, either"

Cullen suspected, well – hoped – that if he shared some of his dark secrets, perhaps Bianca would be more willing to give up hers. It was worth a try. The plan showed promise. Bianca turned towards him in her posture and gaze.

"Lyrium withdrawal? That sounds menacing"

"Menacing hardly encompasses it" Cullen smiled. He hoped he could get some food soon. He gestured to the waitress.

"Yes, sir?" she muttered, a plate in hand.

"Get us drinks, will you? Whatever's cheapest? I'm rather low on coin"

"Of course"

She left. Bianca watched her go with bewilderment. She reached for one of her pockets.

"If you're low on coin I can pay…" she began, but Cullen waved his arms.

"Don't be silly, Bianca. I'm the one who brought you out here"

"It's your funeral" Bianca said slowly, and she brought her hands onto the table. Cullen noticed she was fidgeting mindlessly. Her fingernails looked badly damaged.

"Do you gather herbs or livestock?" Cullen asked "Some of the villagers have the same fingernails as yours"

"Nah, I'm a smith. Way better job" Bianca smiled, and she quickly put her hands out of sight "I doubt Cassandra made you come here to simply ask how I am"

"Hmm" Cullen tried to think of how to best phrase his next tactic "Have you filed your divorce papers yet?"

Guilt came over Bianca's face, but she didn't look away: a promising sign.

"Not yet" she said simply. Cullen leaned forward on the table.

"When is that going to happen, Bianca?"

Bianca moved back in her chair.

"How's Varric?" she asked, and distress skewed her voice "Please, I don't want to talk about all this divorce stuff yet"

Cullen sighed "How can I make it easier for you?"

Bianca crossed her arms "I should have known Cassandra wasn't going to make this easy for me. Just let me wallow for a little bit"

Cullen stood up in his chair and changed to the chair next to Bianca on the adjacent sign of the table. As he did, the waitress returned with water. Cullen gave her a nod as thanks.

"How long have you and Bogdan been married, Bianca?"

Bianca looked down in shame "Four years and a bit"

Cullen swallowed his embarrassment and pat her knee from under the table "Isn't four years enough time to wallow?"

Bianca wouldn't look up "You don't know"

_This is far too complicated._ Cullen thought angrily. Sending soldiers to beat down a pack of Red Lyrium Templars was a far easier feat. He was so overcome with emotion that he lost ability to speak. He sipped his water.

_So this is the cheapest they had? _He thought. This did not improve his mood. Bianca looked up at him, culpability in her eyes. It was almost glaring from her black eyeliner too.

"I know you must hate me. This isn't your fault. I'm sorry. I just feel weak. I don't know _how_ to talk about it"

"I understand it must be challenging to divulge information to a complete stranger about your darkest secrets. However, I was ordered to persist for your safety and I was instructed not to leave until the job was done. So… can you _try_ talk about it? You don't have to make sense – just say _something. _Anything"

"Fine" Bianca seemed to regain her strength "I can't promise any coherency"

"I can manage incoherency just fine" Cullen said shortly. Bianca brought her hands back to the table, but Cullen decided not to pursue the reason for her filthy fingernails.

"I'm too _scared_ to fill out the paperwork" Bianca said after a long pause. Cullen couldn't hold back a small laugh.

"You're _scared_? It's a piece of paper. The worse it can do is give you a headache or a paper cut"

"Is your lyrium withdrawal as simple as not taking lyrium?" Bianca challenged.

Cullen stuttered, and then he went pink.

"No, it isn't. I'm sorry. Please go on. Why does the paper scare you?"

"It's not the _paper_" Bianca mouthed "It's the… you know… consequences of filing the paper"

"Consequences?" Cullen repeated "I can't just tell Cassandra _that_ when I return to Skyhold"

"You said Cassandra told you Bogdan was a 'bother' to me" Bianca reiterated "Is that all she said?"

"No" Cullen scoffed "Don't be silly, Bianca. I just didn't want to catch you off guard by saying everything at once"

"Right. Really convincing" Bianca looked mad "Now _you_ elaborate"

"Fine. You make a point" Cullen rubbed his brow with his fingers. This was far more challenging than any other job for the Inquisition. He'd say it tied with the battle at Adamant fortress. "She told me Bogdan was abusive. She was concerned it would get worse"

"Yeah. I got her letter" Bianca nodded "So what?"

"She told me not to leave until you said _precisely_ and explicitly what was happening to you"

"Why does that matter?" Bianca urged him. She took a big gulp of water.

"Cassandra is concerned for your emotional welfare. Why else do you think it matters?" Cullen laughed. Bianca looked sad.

"My emotional welfare doesn't matter" she murmured "I'm sorry, Cullen, but I think you've got the wrong girl"

"Now _you're_ being ridiculous. Does my emotional welfare matter?"

"Y-Yes" Bianca stuttered "But you're not me, so it doesn't count"

"I see. Somehow because you're _you,_ it means your sanity doesn't matter?" Cullen continued. He was getting more intense, and he was unconsciously leaning ever closer to her. Bianca didn't back down.

"Yes! Because it's true!"

Tears threatened to pour down Bianca's face, but they remained in her eyes, growing ever larger like someone was holding them there. Cullen awkwardly pat Bianca's knee under the table. He was really terrible at consoling others in a crisis, especially if it involved a conflict of interest. If it was up to him he'd leave her alone, but he had to do this for Cassandra. He wouldn't let down such an important friend. He took a deep breath.

"I didn't know Royans had such backwards logic" he sighed "Fine. If you're not going to tell me, how about we fill out some paperwork, hm? I'm good at that"

Bianca crossed her legs. She glared at the table, like it was the cause of all her problems.

"They have them at the courthouse. I haven't grabbed any yet"

"That isn't a bother" Cullen couldn't believe he was being so uncourteous. He stood up and grabbed Bianca's arm "Let's get to it then, shall we?"

He pulled her along, and Bianca followed like some animal on a leash. It was most ungentle of him. Cullen didn't want to overanalyse it.

Bianca groaned "I can see why Cassandra got you to come console me"

Cullen wouldn't look at her "Yes, why is that?"

"I'm more likely to be persuaded by a handsome, muscly man in tall boots"

Cullen laughed and kept walking so Bianca wouldn't see him blushing.

"Flattery won't do you any favours, Bianca"

They kept quiet for a while after that…. After the waitress chased them down for a small amount of copper… only in Val Royeaux did tap water cost anything.

* * *

><p>The courthouse was as pretentious and extravagant as you'd expect for Orlais. Cullen almost thought he'd walked back into the ball room. High ceilings, marble pillars and silky violet tiles with trimmings of gold seemed like the norm here.<p>

_How much money do they have, anyway?_ Cullen wondered. Bianca came walking back to him with some papers in her hands. She was wearing her mask again.

"There, I have them. Happy now?"

"No" Cullen smiled. They walked back outside, as not to be overheard "We have to fill it out and submit it first"

This was easily the strangest mission he'd ever been on, discounting what _Hard in Hightown _crime parallel garbage Varric rambled about. If Cassandra didn't trust him so much with her personal problems, perhaps Josephine would have been a better candidate for this job.

_Or maybe not_, he smiled ruefully to himself, _she didn't have as nice a biceps or boots. _

He realized maybe he wasn't as immune to flattery as he thought. Bianca had a nice head on her neck. It was obvious why Varric liked her. If Cassandra was out of the picture Cullen probably try to help her without any prerequisites.

They found a mahogany bench near a fountain and sat down. Bianca ruffled out the papers and lay them on her knees, twiddling with a pen. She took a deep breath.

"Alright, this seems easy so far. Don't talk to me for a second"

She began to write. Cullen peered over her shoulder and took note of some of the details the form required. The first box had details the Court had to fill – name of the court, the case number… there were also instructions on how to complete the form. Cullen found these most tedious – he was always tempted to skip it, but for the sake of his better judgement he pressed on and usually regretted it.

He interlaced his fingers in his lap and watched the water gently crown out of the fountain. The water was crystal clear and the statue below was oddly romantic. Cullen made a mental note to bring the Inquisitor here sometime.

Bianca groaned. The next part was details of each partner involved – name, address, age, occupation. Easy, but dreadfully boring drivel…there was an inhumane amusement in watching someone else fill out the paperwork for once. Cullen tried hard not to smile. Divorce was a serious business, not to be trifled with.

"What does Bogdan do?' Cullen asked. He'd forgotten to peer down at the slot of paper as she wrote it. Bianca sighed.

"Trains horses. Grooms them and such. It's a really girly occupation"

Cullen snorted "I wouldn't call taming horses _girly_. It requires a lot of physical strength"

"Yeah" Bianca said dully "They're not as interesting as bows or swords, so I don't care"

"I can see how you'd get that impression" Cullen tried to keep her on his good side "Does he let you ride them?"

"Yeah, I have one. The only one he won't sell" Bianca muttered grimly. "I'll admit it helps me get my mind off things sometimes. Like if we have a fight"

Bianca paused to fill out a more complicated section of the paperwork. Cullen waited for her to finish reading. Cullen pondered on how to best press for more information. The usual interrogation route wasn't going to work.

"I'll be honest, I didn't expect Bogdan to accompany you to the café" he laughed a bit, out of nerves. He didn't like showing he was nervous, but that very intention made it so much harder to mask. Bianca sounded irritated.

"Neither did I. He hasn't done that for years. That's part of why I'm so nervous"

"Is he always so…"

"Overbearing?" Bianca suggested "Absolutely. Usually if I'm catching up with girlfriends he lets me go on my own. He'll watch me as I leave the street, which is creepy in its own right, but that's it. I can enjoy a _little_ freedom. I thought the same trick would work with you"

Cullen put a hand to his chin "Why would he do that, I wonder"

"I think he knows I'm up to something. Paranoid. I wish…I wish he'd just leave me alone"

"Hmmm"

Cullen wished he'd had more words in that moment, but he didn't. Counselling wasn't exactly his forte. In fact, he didn't' consider himself to have any communication skills at all. Cassandra, and the Inquisitor to a lesser degree, were the only women who made him feel otherwise. But perhaps there was hope for him.

Bianca turned the page and started to fill out the next section. The scribbles with her pen were awfully violent. Cullen feared she'd tear a hole in the page.

"Do you ever just… feel trapped?" she asked "Like you're stuck in a prison with no key. No nothing. Just emptiness. Have you ever felt like that?"

"I, uh…" Cullen felt sadness wash over him as fresh wounds were prodded – it hurt. Yes, he knew all too well what being trapped felt like. It was part of what made the lyrium withdrawal so painful. All those memories in that tower made him… oh no.

Cullen buried his palms in his eyes, trying to make it stop. He bent over and tensed as the pictures started to engulf him, yet again: the dark floors, the bright beams of light, his friend's bodies being turned inside out as they morphed into monstrous fiends. The blood, the horrid stench… oh, it was so awful.

_Why now?_ He thought. Coldness spread to his fingertips, his bones. It was starting again. He saw the floor beneath him start to shake, and he knew the cause. Panic sunk in like an anchor in the ocean.

"Y-Yes" he choked out, the memories pulling him into that familiar dark tunnel. Bianca put a hand on his knee, but Cullen hardly noticed.

"Commander, are you ok?" she asked.

_Commander_… Cullen breathed. She must pay careful attention to Varric's letters. Far more than what he expected, even for a woman in love. It bordered on obsession. Almost a paranoid one…

Cullen's breathing became ragged and uneven. His heartbeat malfunctioned. He hated how out of control the flashbacks made him… how tight their grip was.

There was no stopping it.

Cullen shook his head, and tried to focus on the feel of Bianca's tiny hand on his leg. It was out of focus.

"I'm… I'm…" he stuttered, sounding more unlike himself by the minute. He doubled over, trying to save himself from the struggle.

He shook his head. He stared at Bianca. He could feel blood vessels popping in his eyes, the color drain from his face. Bianca looked stunned, but she did not withdraw her support. Behind the mask, her black eyeliner only reminded him of the dark, hallow eyes of humans turned Demons. All the people he could not save…

"Fl-Flashback" was all he said "I-I can't s-stop it!"

Bianca stood up. She was panicked too.

"What do I do?"

"Nothing!" he shouted. He grabbed her shoulders and forced her back on the bench "Don't concern yourself with _my_ problems"

"I can't fill out the damned paper when you're having a heart attack!" Bianca yelled.

There was no escape, no way to calm the rapid pumping of blood in his body. There was just a nonstop delusion of doom and panic. It made the bright sunny streets better resemble a vast wasteland: musky, dark and rotting. He wished yelling was enough to stop it, but there was no point making himself look more insane. He already looked out of place without his armour. How much more danger did he have to cause this poor woman?

"I don't know how to stop it" he breathed, clenching and reopening his eyes repeatedly, as though if he did it enough times something would happen "Just – whatever you do -don't leave me alone!"

"I won't, I definitely won't" Bianca awkwardly pat him on the back "There isn't some medicine that can ease the symptoms?"

"Why do you think it's called lyrium _withdrawal_?!" Cullen shouted. Bianca danced on the spot.

"Ok, ok, I get your point. I just don't like doing nothing"

"Neither do I!"

It felt like forever. It always felt like eternity when he was stuck in his own head. Bianca left her paper on the bench and there was much chaos… lots of incoherent shouting and jumping around.

After ten to twenty minutes, the moment finally passed and Cullen was able to think again.


	22. Chapter 22

There had never been a stranger sight. A well dressed, masked dwarf trying to console an easily _lower class_ garbed man. 'Probably Fereldan trash' the onlookers thought. They weren't wrong. Cullen had to half crouch to rest his head on her shoulder. It hurt his legs, but that somehow made the experience more worthwhile. It was easier to not get caught in a flashback when your knees burned and quaked. Cullen took some deep breaths and straightened his legs.

"I am _so_ sorry, Bianca" he said with a tired voice "so, so, sorry"

"Don't worry" Bianca sighed. They resumed their places on the bench. Bianca picked up her paperwork and pen from the ground. Thankfully the wind hadn't blown them away.

"I can't exactly _not_ tell you my dark secrets after _that_ performance…." she said bitterly.

Cullen was emotionally drained from his flashback. If he was feeling normal, he would have laughed. Instead, he managed a feeble smile. Normal blood flow was only just starting to return to his extremities.

"I'm not usually one to use force when it comes to these things, not if I can help it" Cullen explained "especially if it involves a pretty girl. It is another, rather dishonourable, weakness of mine"

If he was being honest with himself, dwarfs weren't his thing – in the same way freckles or glasses may not be someone else's, but he ignored this for now. Bianca chuckled. There was a pleasant ring to her laugh "Flattery isn't going to do you any favours, Cullen"

They caught eyes for a moment and smiled. Cullen knew Bianca appreciated the complement, even If she denied her pride. There was another level of intimacy when mental breakdowns were involved, and that is what Cullen was experiencing now. It was oddly peaceful. The gentle gush of the chlorinated water fountain added to this effect. He shut his eyes for a moment, savoured that crisp unpolluted air in his nostrils. His nose was slightly wet.

Bianca scanned over the pages again.

"I think that's everything" she passed him the small pile "Can you check it for me?"

Cullen had to correct one or two things, but it was much better than _he_ having to fill out the form in its entirety. He returned them to her and brushed his hands together.

"Right. Let's bring these back"

Off to business, to work. Cullen regained some of his assertive Templar stride as he re-entered the courthouse. His fellow recruits always used to joke that the march of a Templar far exceeded those of mages or typical soldiers. He felt comfort in this, even if no one was watching. At least he knew he had some worth… unlike the cutesy little blonde dwarf who had scurried in front of him.

_Nothing like a good scurry,_ he thought.

Bianca let out a sigh beyond what Cullen believed her lungs had the capacity for. She walked back toward him after a brief chat to a staff member.

"I need to provide a copy of my marriage certificate, but apart from that I've paid the court fee. They'll send Bogdan a divorce petition when that's done. Now what?"

"Now I stalk your attractive little backside until you confess your dearest sins, Bianca" Cullen said darkly. Bianca removed her mask and placed it in a pocket. She was blushing.

"Stalking's harassment" she said, but she shrugged it off "I suppose you could do worse around here"

_Did you know stalking is an unknown talent of mine? He_ wanted to say, but Cullen resisted. He could almost feel the Inquisitor's jealousy streaming down his neck at the very thought. He tried not to think about how betrayed she'd feel if she knew he hadn't visited his nagging sister.

"Let's wander the markets" Cullen noted "I haven't eaten since breakfast, and that was a petite roll of bread"

"Maker help you!" Bianca gasped, but she recomposed herself. She put her mask back on "Let's get some protein in those hunky muscles"

Cullen chuckled. He needed more than protein to keep his muscles strong! He tried to find a way to smoothly transition into the discussion of abusive spouses. Sadly, this was the best he could do.

"My sister used to pin my face in her dirty laundry when she didn't want to clean. Does Bogdan also like sharing his body odour?"

Bianca snorted "I wish he was that generous"

A faint Persian pink came over her cheeks. It was so precise the outline could be traced. Humiliation shined her eyes. Cullen felt her shame like a kick to the knees. She took out her purse and started to pick at the coins. Cullen could see himself in her. She was dealing with a different kind of withdrawal.

* * *

><p>I returned from Castle Caer Oswin in the evening a few days after my prompt deflowering. Tracking down the mad Seeker Lucius had not taken as long as I'd expected. Now I had a new book to read. The sequel to <em>Swords and Shields<em> would have to wait. Varric had gone to get food, so I retired to my quarters. It had been a very long day. Grief plagued my stomach as the memory of murdering my apprentice returned. How much more bloodshed had to occur until I broke for good?

Another letter waited on my desk. The ink was thick, slightly smudged and black. I recognized the scrawl. It was from Commander Cullen. I peered over my shoulder and locked the door for good measure.

Dear Cassandra

Bianca is safe for now, although I had to step up my duty, Seeker. She was far too frightened to return to the castle alone. After much convincing, I decided accompanying her for the night was the safest option. My men are camping out somewhere beyond the city and will come see me in the morning. It feels awfully drab in the castle. I worry my toes will fall off.

I gave a small smile, but read on.

I met Bogdan by some freak accident at the café. He is keeping a too close an eye on her. He seems to trust me. At least I hope he does. He owns an impressive wine collection. It makes me very jealous of him.

You were right, Bianca is a wonderful girl. It saddens me to consider the hardship she has endured. We filled and submitted the initial divorce paperwork and Bianca should be copying her marriage certificate now Bogdan is tending to the last of his work. She wants to wait until the divorce petition arrives so she doesn't have to tell him, but I told her she should tell him while I'm around. She is still thinking about it. I will chase up on it once I've sent this letter.

She told me of the abuse in an alarming, tearful rage. I have rarely witnessed such emotion. It is a little frightening, I admit… I wonder how much will break her? She did not mention any concerning symptoms despite reoccurring nightmares. Is this significant? I do not know enough about her to say. She did not tell me what they were about, although the phrase 'impending doom' was mentioned a few times.

Please be well, Cassandra. We will speak again at my earliest convenience.

I sincerely hope _your_ toes are not going to fall off.

Cullen

I sighed, waited, and then strolled back outside to burn the letter. I would have to wait until Cullen returned to get any more information. His words made me a little nervous, but it was reassuring to know Cullen had managed to help her. I had definitely done the right thing, and there was no way Varric was going to find out… except through Bianca herself.

I intended to track down Leliana tomorrow.

* * *

><p>A significant number of hours earlier – who knew how many? – Cullen had finished posting his letter. He encountered Bogdan as he re-entered the castle.<p>

"Sending mail, are you?" he smiled. Cullen nodded. He had already planned his lie.

"Yes, Bogdan. My sister is a very pushy young lady. She needs to know where I am at all times"

"I know that feeling" Bogdan nodded, and he opened the door. Light billowed through "Always got to keep the family happy, right?"

Cullen chuckled "Yes, yes. Very true. I can't believe I am telling you this, but can you believe she used to chase me around the house in her knickers?"

Bogdan laughed "Did she now? I wonder if she is so perverse as to do that nowadays"

"Oh, not anymore" Cullen shook his head, grinning fondly at the memory. He kept an eye on the stone staircase "Perhaps for her boyfriend, but not me"

"Haha, I would not judge either way" Bodgan smiled. He offered out a hand, encouraging Cullen to enter the dining room first. He did, trying not to let the stress show on his face. There was something mildly creepy about that comment, but Cullen couldn't figure out what it was. He baffled his brain about this until he crossed a corridor. Bogdan unlocked the hinge on a door.

"Could you send Bianca up to bed for me?" he asked "I know she won't see you for a while so you don't need to worry about the time. Just make sure it isn't too late"

Cullen gave a short bow, almost out of habit "Certainly. I won't keep her from you too long"

Bogdan gave a hearty laugh "You're a right old sport. Thank you, Holden"

Cullen simply smiled and left. It still felt weird to use an alias. He had some idea where Bianca was. He knocked on the study door after taking the wrong turn a few times.

"Bianca?" he murmured, pushing it open. Bianca jumped.

"Yes?"

"Do I have your permission to intrude?" he asked her. Bianca sighed.

"If there really is no other choice…"

"Good girl" Cullen smiled and he walked in. The study reminded him of his old residency in Fereldan, except this was much smaller and cramped. The smell of leather paraded off the seats and dust littered the desk. Bianca had a piece of paper in a folder – her marriage certificate. She stamped her feet.

"I _really_ don't want to tell him" she moaned, getting to the point yet again. "Like, really, _really_ don't want to"

Cullen sighed.

"I wouldn't either, but now's your best chance, if any"

Bianca fiddled with her fingers, picking at the dead skin near her nails. Cullen tried not to be nauseous looking at it.

"What if he hits me?" she jumbled "What if he hits _you_?"

Cullen scoffed "He couldn't reach, let alone scratch me. Don't worry, poor girl. I'm sure he'll be reasonable"

"B-B-But… he's just so _unpredictable_." She whispered "Like maybe he'll be in a good mood and be human… but maybe not, you know?"

No, he did not know. Cullen had the rare opportunity to be raised by wonderful people. Sadly, his job is what brought him the truth of life's sorrows. He sat down on a chair.

"It isn't going to get any easier"

Bianca ground her teeth so loud Cullen could hear it. He cringed a little.

"What's my reward?" she demanded "Will you give me a hug?"

"_A hug_" Cullen laughed. It was almost the most ridiculous thing he'd heard all day, except for that strange comment from Bogdan a few minutes ago "Is the thought of being in Varric's arms not commending enough?"

Bianca's breathing stuttered. She sounded so different when she was like this.

"I- just… I don't…" she wiped her fingers on her night dress "I don't know if he still wants me. Don't act like you don't know!"

Cullen went quiet

"Do you really doubt Varric's affections?" he mouthed. Bianca waved her arms around in dismay.

"Wouldn't you if you were me?"

"N-No…" he said slowly, but to be honest he'd never thought about it "I wouldn't say so"

"S-She's…" Bianca struggled to find the words "Cassandra's so much _taller_ than me!"

Cullen couldn't hold back this time. He burst out laughing. It hurt so much he had to hold onto his stomach.

"What nonsense, Bianca. Do you really think your height is going to be the defining feature that sways Varric?"

He paused "Actually, he's kind of stupid like that so I wouldn't know – but that's no reason to be nervous. Cassandra orchestrated this whole thing to _help you_"

Bianca calmed down a little "She's too nice"

"I _have_ scolded her for her niceness" Cullen assured her. Bianca smiled. She seemed pleased to feel justified in her opinion. She started to pace.

"It's just… it's been four years. We've written letters, but we haven't kissed, we haven't made love…"

Cullen's heart pound irregularly. Why was she blurting out all these details to _him_? What was it about him that made women pour their hearts out? Did he have an emotion magnet caught in his ribs? Getting tangled in this love quadrangle was too confusing for his mild mannered brain.

Bianca smiled shrewdly at him.

"I can see I'm making you squeamish – but seriously! Am I that unattractive?"

"It's a good thing you haven't slept together!" Cullen blurted out "It would make the separation more complicated"

"Yes" Bianca's voice faltered "It's just – GAH!"

She racked at her hair, and it actually messed it up because she'd removed the pins. Cullen laughed. She looked beyond silly.

"If I had gold for every time I looked at the Inquisitor like that I'd be living in this place" he noted. Bianca giggled.

"Yeah, too bad the Inquisitor isn't super rich"

They calmed down.

"Are you going to come tell Bogdan now?" he asked her. Bianca growled.

"No!" she yelled. She stormed over and sat on the chair next to him. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't tell you this – but I haven't told anyone else. I don't want it in my head any longer"

Cullen sighed "I'll try and keep composed, but you're making it very difficult"

Bianca smiled. She did look very beautiful… for a dwarf.

"I have so much regret for this marriage" she explained "Varric knows, of course. He says he would have liked to murder Bogdan during our honeymoon, but he always stayed on the safe side of things for some reason. I don't get it. I haven't told him how I feel because he worries too much. Thinks I'll go crazy or something. Is that weird?"

"Women going crazy?" Cullen repeated "It happens a few days a month at the very _least_"

Bianca laughed "Do you think there's something wildly crazy about me?"

"Besides being wildly in love with Varric, no" Cullen smiled "I mean that. You've just had… a very difficult life"

"My dad's an ass too. He always threatened to punish me if I left Bogdan, it just makes it worse. Anyway – Cassandra said she'd help… Gah, tangents"

"I am a professional of going on tangents myself" Cullen noted. Bianca giggled.

"I just… I don't get _how_ he'd want me. I know this sounds crude but… why would he want to kiss me when I've just been slobbering over some slimy bastard for four years? There's nothing attractive about that. Even if I do pretend it's him"

"I'm not sure the taste… lingers" Cullen said slowly. Bianca looked very sad.

"It does to _me_. No matter how many times I brush my teeth, I still feel like I've got his sperm in my mouth"

Cullen had to hide his face. This was getting way too inappropriate for his liking…. And he'd been drunk around Dorian, Sera and The Iron Bull. All their madness combined had nothing on this conversation.

"Can we talk about something else, please?" he muttered, meekly.

Bianca burst into tears. Cullen had never before wished he could teleport before, but this was a great time. The tears were very loud, and for once Cullen was afraid Bogdan might hear them. Forgetting all dignity, he leaned out of his seat and held her so tight he could have broken her adorable dwarf bones.

"You're a jerk! You're a liar! You said you'd listen" Bianca sobbed. Cullen tried to hush her quickly and swiftly, running a hand at top speed through her hair.

"Shhh, shh, I'm not a jerk. Shhh, I'm just very sensitive. Hush, now. Please don't hate me" he rambled, quickly. He felt Bianca wipe her eyes on him. Her nose might have also joined in. she regained her composure.

"Would you kiss the Inquisitor if she'd been with another guy for four years?" she asked. Cullen rubbed his brow.

"I have no idea' he said honestly. Bianca looked angry.

"Would you kiss me?"

They stared at each other for a long while. Cullen couldn't believe this poor girl could be so _forward_. She made the Inquisitor look like a duckling.

"I'm not going to kiss you" he said firmly. Bianca made an annoyed noise.

"I'm not asking you to! I'm saying, would you?"

Cullen moved back into his chair, as though trying to remove something dirty from his clothes.

"If I hypothetically loved you, yes – which I don't" he added quickly. Bianca laughed.

"You're way too sensitive for me, buddy" she smiled "Varric is just that much cooler than you"

Cullen cleared his throat.

_Forget about competing with Varric's 'coolness'. Let's try and be a man. _

"If you talk about this… sperm handling…. Will you talk to Bogdan for me?" he asked. To his dread, Bianca nodded. Her tone was absolute.

"Yes"


	23. Chapter 23

_Authors notes:_ This chapter is rated M for potential abuse triggers. I hope if any of you readers have PTSD that this is not too distressing for you. Please enjoy!

* * *

><p>Leliana took the seat opposite me at breakfast. She was one of the only others who was awake at 6:30 in the morning. She took bites out of a fruit salad.<p>

"Cassandra, I have a lot to do today, but I thought I'd pass some information by you first. My agents returned to me with some data you might find useful"

"Yes?" I said in between a mouthful of bread. "What did you find?"

"A dwarf lives at the address in Val Royeaux you gave me – a Bogdan, I'm told. Apparently he is a well-respected horse breeder and tamer in the area. He is a member of the Smith Caste but only loosely – he is considered a merchant, but his work is so worshiped by those in Orlais that they wanted him to be part of their practices. Soldiers often order and buy his horses. He has his wife make daggers for him, but he mostly uses them for decoration and to impress others. He keeps a pair by his bed – we can assume as self-defence. The word around the street is he isn't much of a fighter, but you wouldn't want to double cross him. Because of his work he knows a lot of dangerous people, and gossip spreads quickly. One of these is the Alden Davri you asked me to research. He is an interesting case. Very rich. Apparently an incredibly self-righteous man. He is connected to the Tethras family – he got them banished to the surface. Did you know this?"

I slowly nodded. I knew what was coming next.

"I knew something was going on between you and Varric, but you wouldn't tell me!" Leliana looked hurt. I scratched my head.

"I wasn't sure you'd understand, Leliana. I was also tired of discussing it"

"Yes. People were not very nice to you, were they?" Leliana sighed "I promise I never thought wrongly of you. I do not like Varric very much, but it is not my life. The Maker must have brought him to you for a reason. He has a strange sense of humour, does he not? I miss talking like we used to, Cassandra. I worry you don't trust me anymore. When we get a break from our Inquisition duties we should go shopping or groom our nails"

"I would love to as well" I forced a smile "I already knew about Alden banishing the head of Tethras. But I still need more information, if that is possible"

"The scoop could have only been uncovered by my best agents" Leliana said proudly. I reached out to touch her forearm.

"I know we have both been bustling around like lunatics, but I miss your company too, Leliana. We can rest once this fiasco has settled"

"You must promise" Leliana said sternly. I nodded.

"I do, Leliana" I bit more bread "What else did you discover about him?"

"He has a strong dislike of the Tethras family because they got mixed up in his personal life, to put it shortly. It was very unclear, even when consulting Bartrand. He knows no better than the city dwellers. He recalled his father saying when he was small 'Do not worry yourself with the qualms of fools. Focus on your own happiness', which implies Alden, might be a simple bully. But these things are never simple, are they? Their uncle Emmett claimed Andvar was a very generous man – could it be a misunderstanding? There were many rumours – all sorts of wild stories! Adultery, blood magic, lyrium smuggling, simple rivalry and competition…. The one I heard the most was that Andvar borrowed a lot of money from Alden which he couldn't give back – could this be the scandalous reason they started cheating with the Provings? Alden doesn't like finances being earned in such a gruesome way. He moved to the surface as well, but by choice. He wished to make sure they would repay him. This seems to match his character, and Bartrand confirmed there was financial strain in the beginning - so it is the tale most likely to be truthful, but it is possible there's more than one. The reason there is so much misinformation is because he refuses to speak of it. It has been this way always. He was friends with Rhatigan before he reached the surface – a Carta group leader. This is entirely worrisome. He is a smith, so he knows his weapons. He seems to enjoy wielding axes. He is as respected as he is feared"

"Varric's family appears to be wealthy. From what I have gathered, Alden is a horrible man. I would not be surprised if the entire confusion turned out to be a malicious web of lies"

"What is it about this Alden… I am guessing it comes back to Varric somehow?" Leliana said thoughtfully.

"It does" I nodded "but it is complicated."

I dared not tell Leliana because of her ability to gossip like no other woman could. I apologized for being discreet and was off.

I went outside for my daily sparring practice, awaiting the Inquisitor's next instruction in the fog and dark. It was a very lonely morning in Skyhold.

* * *

><p>Cullen returned mid-day. I saw him wave at me from across the field. He was walking with more force in his step than usual. It looked like he wouldn't hesitate to throw off his armor if it was appropriate. Determination etched into his features, almost fearfully so. The sun had come out a bit more, but a dreary haze fogged around the grass instead.<p>

"Lady Pentaghast" he said quickly. He was out of breath "I have so much to tell you. I was wondering if my office would be a suitable speaking place?"

I was in such a rush I nearly dropped my sword. It clang loudly "Yes, let's try avoid Varric"

* * *

><p>Cullen's office was refreshingly cool compared to the outside humidity. Piles of parchment lay on his desk, along with mountains of leather bound books crammed into shelves.<p>

Cullen sat down at his desk, relieved to rest and gather his thoughts. He took out a crumbled mess of parchment from a pocket.

"I wrote down what I could remember. It is the most accurate I could make it without being suspected"

"Excellent. Thank you, Cullen. Your letter was very reassuring, too" I smiled. "I notice you still have your toes"

Cullen returned the smile.

"They recovered. Did you hear from Leliana?"

"I will tell you what Leliana shared with me after"

"Right. I suppose I should start with the unholy manhandling's, yes?" Cullen inquired. I nodded.

"Only when you are ready"

If there was a way to make my ears perceive more sound, I would have manipulated them so this was the case. Cullen flattened out the parchment in front of him, and watched it with a blank stare. I got the impression this was helping his nerves. He took a deep breath "During their marriage there have been a handful of cases. Bianca said whenever she tried to defy Bodgan's authority and do things for herself he would deny her freedom. He would belittle her opinions, tell her she was unreasonable, blowing things out of proportion, that she was trying to manipulate him… that _she_ was the crazy one. He would be very rude and fickle, Cassandra. He'd praise her beauty one minute, then insult how she did her hair, how she dressed, complain about the company she chose to keep. Most of the time these comments were passive, disguised as jokes so others wouldn't think less of him…. so he could maintain an air of superiority. Lots of _little_ things bothered her… sometimes he would not let her go places by herself. He would often choose what they would have for tea, and how they would spend their time… if she had a suggestion, he sometimes said it was great, and other times how ridiculous it was – how much better _his_ ideas were. How she was selfish for not 'loving' or 'listening' to him. Eventually this became too much and Bianca would snap – either by yelling or saying one snark comment in response." Cullen took a deep breath "This makes me very uncomfortable to explain, Lady Pentaghast"

"I know, Cullen" I nodded "As difficult as it is, you must not let your demons implode you"

Cullen licked his lips out of nerves "Y-Yes, you're right. "

He cleared his throat and continued.

"Months would pass between these episodes, where all the little things would present themselves. A rise and fall pattern emerged. After each incident, he would beg for forgiveness and treat her well for a little while – be a perfect gentleman - but his controlling tendencies always reappeared…. maybe weeks afterward. With each spat, the abuse got worse. The first time she was hit in the face." Cullen's voice lost its authoritative spark "This was because she accidentally called Varric's name when they were in bed together – she was usually very good at deceiving him – but slipped up one time. She was given flowers – Bogdan said he understood she had done it by accident. It is normal for memories of faded, past relationships to interfere now and then. It gave a petty illusion of being empathized with, but he couldn't. The second time she was kicked to the floor. She'd yelled at him for being too pushy about the floors being clean. She tells me it was very painful. He kicked her so hard he broke five of her ribs. It took some time to recover. The third time she'd re-refused to let him…" Cullen 's voice faded, but he tried again "She denied his w-w-wish to – sorry – sodomize her. Well, you can predict how that went"

"No. I know you do not like speaking of these things, but it is necessary to know everything. I will be going to their court hearing, after all"

Cullen stared at me with desperate, reddening eyes. It looked like his body craved for lyrium.

"It is just h-hard because she is such a good girl…. _such_ a good girl. Like yourself, Cassandra. I could hardly bare to listen when she recounted her experiences"

I reached out to his desk and pat one of his hands. Cullen shuddered. His voice sunk lower into the realms of vulnerability.

"Bianca told me he… her monster husband managed to t-t-tear her anus by so forcefully and improperly penetrating her. My, it is absolute madness. Lunacy! She had to go to a healer, meanwhile hardly being able to walk and in splitting pain. Bogdan paid for the cost as apology. The healer was also paid a handsome sum to keep quiet, but apparently that sort of vicious, hush-hush behaviour is not unheard of in Orlais. I didn't know whether to believe Bianca or not. She tells me she started to have nightmares after that. They frightened her so much she made extra effort to conform. She didn't get abused again for a long while. Over a year, she tells me. She kept her head low and listened to his every suggestion. Bogdan's good moments were far more frequent than the bad, but the torment of his past insults had become ingrained into her persona."

Cullen stopped staring at his desk and resumed to reach my eyes.

"It gravely distresses me, Cassandra. I'm not sure Bianca knows who she is anymore. I imagine this sounds incongruous, but part of me thinks all the _little_ things were _more_ awful. If none of those had happened, neither would anything else. It has caused far more damage to her than anything physical"

"What do you mean she doesn't know who she is?" I enquired.

_Losing Bianca for good – even if it is just her mind – is my worst fear_, Varric's voice spoke louder than Cullen's.

Tears began to fill Cullen's eyes. He must have gotten close to her.

"She described a feeling of constantly being _dirty_, like she had to continually brush her teeth and shower with far more soap than necessary. She tells me she had managed to break the skin on a few occasions with her obsessive scrubbing and bathing. Make her gums bleed completely by accident. It didn't help Bogdan loved to tell her how dirty she was, what an awful wife she was. She says she feels more like a slave than a person – quite horrific considering she had a nice castle, nice food… I suppose none of that matters when you're being abused, does it?"

"Were there any other incidences?" I demanded. Cullen twiddled his thumbs.

"Give me a moment, Cassandra, would you?"

"Of course"

I waited, and Cullen regained his strength. His office had never seemed so grim.

"It was humiliating for her to explain as most of these instances involved the bedroom" Cullen said bitterly "I suppose because that's the only time she could try and escape by thinking of Varric. From what she says, I'm not convinced her strategy was as good as she claimed. Of course, there were many sexual advances she refused. He would 'let her off easy' by begging her to orally pleasure him instead, as that was…in his words, 'less effort'. He was usually forceful with this. He was somehow doing her a service? I do not understand his logic myself. Disgraceful… The worst time was the most recent. She told me on New Year's Eve she was looking over Varric's old letters and it dawned on her of how lonely and pitiful her life had become. She remembered all their time together for the hundredth time and wondered why she was still trying. She went to pick herbs to brew a poison from their garden. Bogdan saw her tears and demanded she'd explain herself. Bianca wouldn't. She dropped the herbs. She tried to run away from the Castle that night… but Bogdan had guards and they were not such heavy sleepers. They alerted him of her attempted escape. In his insanity, Bogdan strangled her. He dropped her just before she lost consciousness."

_And Bianca said there were just a few isolated case of violence? Such lies. _

"When Bianca told me that was her reason for separating, I expected it to be a lot… less" I explained slowly. Cullen tried to discretely wipe tears from his eyes. His lip trembled.

"She believes she deserves the abuse…. that she can't ever get out. That despite his loyalty, Varric would be repulsed by her. She doesn't want to face him. I had to do a lot of pushing to get her to talk. Since you're involved, I'm biased – I'm not taking Bianca's side - but I cannot fathom that Varric would be that tactless, even if he is an idiot. I would imagine that's why she downplayed their severity" Cullen finished. I was too busy trying to gather information to decipher it.

"Did she end up telling Bogdan before you left?"

Cullen's face calmed slightly "Oh, yes. He was a complete gentleman, as I expected. He'd known he'd done wrong… he still wanted to try convincing her otherwise. Complete nonsense, of course. Bianca was not happy to see me leave"

"Did she cry?" I asked softly. Cullen pressed his lips together.

"No, surprisingly, but she begged like nothing else. Carried on like Cole does with his eccentricities... She was afraid he would 'get his revenge' once I'd gone"

"That might be true" I admitted "but I will wait until her next letter arrives until we make a decision"

"Uh, Cassandra…" Cullen's eyes darted around "Sorry to be forward, but I'm curious what the plan of action will be if she _is_ in trouble"

My eyebrows furrowed.

"We will go over there. Talk to Bogdan. Bring Bianca with back with us to Skyhold if he is unwilling to see reason. If there's resistance, I will not hesitate for a moment to use violence"

I gripped onto my sword, preparing to strike, as if Bogdan was right in front of me. Cullen was appalled.

"B-b-but that's barbaric, Cassandra" Cullen mouthed "surely there is not something else we can do?

What would Varric think? Would you tell him?"

I waited for a while. I had thought about this over and over, but now Cullen was asking it seemed all the more important to decide. Cullen's eyes gleamed with interest, with a nervous shake. The tears around the edges twinkled in the candle lit room. The books appeared threatening. They had eavesdropped for too long. For someone who had been throwing around ideas in her head for days, I was surprised the answer came so simply.

Cullen's head fell into his hands in relief.

"Thank the sweet Maker" was his reply.


	24. Chapter 24

Even with my impeccable ability to focus, worries of Bianca continued to linger at the back of my mind – like a fly that wouldn't stop buzzing near your ears. The cold, hard droplets of Crestwood rain ran down my face. They almost felt like her tears… somewhere out there, that poor little dwarf was terrified to the core. Maybe she was making beds or setting tables. Now that I thought about it, it struck me I didn't know what Bianca did with her time besides make weapons. She must make them so carefully – maybe she fantasized about dismembering Bogdan with every single one. Maybe she spent as much time at work as possible. If I were in Bianca's place, that is probably what I would do.

_Crack._

The camp fire was flickering badly. Even with Camp set up underneath a cluster of trees water poured down from the gaps. Some freshly made mud splashed on my armored boots. It almost didn't seem like a good thing Varric was here. I remembered Hawke's reverberating laugh. The memories felt like they happened a decade ago. The Champion of Kirkwall's wisdom was much needed. i had no luck chasing down where she had gone.

_You sound like Anders. Speaking of ideals and justice – pretending you know how the world should be run. You can't latch reigns on to the world, Cassandra. It will only hit you back twice as hard. _

I had tried to help Bianca so Varric was able to make a conscious decision of who he wanted to be with. It was starting to feel like more trouble than it was worth. The reigns had gotten weathered. They had whipped me back already. I had managed to upset Leliana, Cullen _and_ myself with this Bianca fiasco. Only Varric had been spared, but that wouldn't be for long either. How many people had to suffer from my romantic ideals?

_I'm almost as bad as that mage… _I thought bitterly. Hawke's voice entered my brain again.

_Did Varric tell you Anders brought the Chantry to ashes? _

Yes, they had been injured then, hadn't they? I remembered wanting to punch Varric in the face.

_Such an action was world changing – any reasonable person would have abandoned him to wallow in his insanity. I saw it fit to stay by his side. It isn't because I worshipped him like a God, but because I could feel compassion for his sufferings. _

Varric was certainly not someone I put on a pedestal. In fact, he was one of the biggest idiots I had ever met. His obsession with his crossbow – with the woman he loved, only added to his idiocy. Yet I still wanted to help, still sacrificed my time and heart to please him. it was truly sad I had fallen for him. That irritating, uncontrollable imbecile…

A vague picture of a drunken Varric on the dance floor entered my mind. He was spilling his drink on the ground.

_See. Emotion. I am like a magician, _he had said.

I smiled at the memory. We must have looked like a married couple. But Varric had never crossed my mind as a husband before… because of _her_. The image wouldn't ever form. He was off limits to me. It was always Bianca's fault for everything. Anger boiled in my empty stomach.

_I wish I could ask you to stop, but I know it would do nothing!_ I had yelled _Do you know why? Because you are an insufferable, uncontrollable, little…_

Our first kiss wasn't under the best circumstances, but it made me smile anyway. Yes, Varric was still insufferable and uncontrollable, just slightly less so. His annoyances made taunting him all the more fun. If only I had met Varric before he had met Bianca… he wouldn't have had to suffer for fifteen years pining for her.

_Honestly? It was the only thing that got me through. _Hawke's echo reappeared_ on the days and nights when I wanted to give up, Anders gave me something to hold onto. _

Hope. Is that correct?

I hugged my knees and rest my face on them. My clothes smelled damp, but it was easy to ignore. The dirt beneath my feet slowly turned to mud. The next memory made me so happy I almost burst into angry tears. Only Varric could make me feel three or four different emotions at once….

Trying to look at Varric through tear stained eyes had never looked so beautiful.

_You are an absolute disgrace, and yet I cannot stop this lightness in my chest. It is like a boat on a stormy sea. You are what hope only tries to be. You make faith look shameful and dirty. You help me believe in life. _

The joking, story teller whom everyone knew in Kirkwall… he was my reason to keep going as well. Before this, I had gripped onto my sword with a vision of truth and beauty. I held onto the belief that Thedas could evolve with a new set of rules… if I was around to help write them. But that wasn't the only reason I marched alongside the Inquisitor any more. When all of this was over, I wanted to spend my days with Varric. Maybe we could go to the Hanged Man together. I would block my nose and pretend to enjoy the taste of horrible alcoholic beverages. Varric would laugh at me. It would be wonderful. Maybe we could even go dancing together.

_That will only happen if Bianca is out of the picture_, I thought intensely. The question of survival was an obvious one, but it was not something worth picking straws over in order to maintain sanity. The end result was the pinnacle. Bianca had to be eliminated.

_What will I do if he picks her?_ I thought. The words seemed to never end, like falling off the edge of the world. It was too painful. There were no answers. It was not worth my time.

"You're as quiet as the sea tonight, Cassandra" said a voice. I looked up. The Inquisitor sat next to me and offered me some tea.

"We just boiled it if you would like some."

I took it, realizing that my eyes were wet. I nodded.

"There's a lot less stress in Crestwood this time around, isn't there?" The Inquisitor smiled. I wondered if Cullen had told her anything. He would get a beating if that was the case. I paused.

"There's a lot less stress between parties" I corrected her "but I cannot stop worrying"

The Inquisitor looked left and right, hair flopping around.

"Is this a conversation I _want_ to have with you?" she smiled ruefully. I shrugged.

"I don't care" I said shortly "I want it done"

The Inquisitor lowered her voice.

"You want … Bianca done, don't you?"

I stared at her, angry "Who told you?"

"No one" The Inquisitor smiled. I knew by the lack of tension in her jaw that she was telling the truth "I'm just guessing. There's not much else to do while the sky clears"

I pressed my lips together, as though listening for the Maker to tell me something. The skies were not listening.

"It is selfish to want her gone" I finished.

"Varric's a smart one" the Inqusitor said "He's rash sometimes, but not a light thinker. How else could he write? I think he'll make the right choice in the end"

My heart fluttered "How do you know what the right choice is?"

"I don't know" the Inquisitor shrugged "Whatever makes Varric happy"

_Yes_, I agreed, as the conversation started to move onto other topics _Varric's happiness is what will be the deciding factor. It won't be a squabble between ladies. Who had the best physical features, told the funniest jokes, or held the more interesting conversation… Bianca would have won, otherwise. _

There would be more location scouting tomorrow… and destroying more darkspawn. I had to prepare for a hard slough. I got up on my feet.

"I'm going to talk to him" I said. The Inquisitor simply nodded, and continued to stare into the flames. As I weaved through the various tents, I caught eyes with Sera and Cole. We weren't on the best speaking terms so I simply gave them a nod of acknowledgement. Sera found this very exciting for reasons I do not know. I tapped on Varric's tent. It made a strange, empty sound.

"Varric, can I come in?" I asked.

I avoided Sera's eye as I could hear her laughing from meters away.

"Welcome to hell, Cassandra" I heard him say, and I knew that was a sign of 'yes'. I pushed through the flap. Varric's tent looked much the same to mine. He had a sleeping bag sprawled over the ground and was caressing his crossbow. There were tufts of grass. It was dry.

"You almost had me wondering if you were possessed" Varric began, twiddling with the crossbow Bianca beneath his thumb 'you've been silent as the Hissing Wastes the past few days"

"You're no better than I" I told him, and I sat down opposite Varric. Our knees were close to touching. Varric stroked crossbow Bianca in a very serious way.

"What brings you to my magical resting place?" he smiled "are you hoping for a goodnight kiss?"

"Perhaps" I smiled elusively "I wanted to tell you something"

"Yeah?" Varric asked. I took a deep breath but kept locked on his eyes.

"I would like you to know that despite what has been happening, Varric… I will always care for you very deeply. I am hoping that no matter what happens we can remain friends"

"Remain friends?" Varric raised an eyebrow "I told you not to worry about that stuff. It's too angsty. Teenager crap… No one wants that."

I pressed my lips together and my eyebrows narrowed.

_Yeah, I'd like to see you not worry about Bianca then. _

Varric seemed to read my face. He took the hand that was on his crossbow and wrapped it around my fingers.

"Is there anything else you'd like to say?"

His eyes were shining with want, but I'm not sure it was for my body. I fidgeted nervously.

"I don't know what else to talk about. Were you expecting anything in particular?"

Varric grinned "I don't know… an 'I love you' would work pretty nicely in the Crestwood rain"

I blushed, all too aware of Varric's fingers. I pulled them away.

"Don't use those words so simply!" I gasped. Varric laughed.

"What? It worked, didn't it?"

I didn't know what he was talking about but somehow it made sense.

"Arggh!" I racked my brains, my mind… trying to keep clear of his insolence. Varric laughed.

"I don't want to say it" I said finally. Varric smiled.

"Why? Is it not true?"

"N-no!" I protested. I settled "I am just unsure you'd want to say it back"

Varric moved forward enough so our knees touched.

"I don't know, Cassandra. There's only one way to find out"

_He's a terrible tease!_

"You say it first, then" I instructed. Varric shook his head.

"Nah, it won't sound nearly as sexy without your glorious accent" he grabbed my hand again and kissed it "You first, or you get nothing from me"

_This is just manipulation!_ I jeered. In the back of my head, I was too proud of being called 'sexy'.

I let my heartbeat return to normal, reflecting on what I'd like life to be like after this war… after all this Bianca trouble had been dealt with. I wanted to be with Varric… for as long as my body would let me.

"I-I… I love you, Varric"

The redness was instantaneous. Varric laughed.

"You are cruel!" I shouted. Varric grinned, like he knew how evil he was. He balanced on his knees and scooted closer to me.

"I am" he murmured, our noses touching "and I'm also stupidly in love with you too, Cassandra Pentaghast"

He kissed me, and I couldn't deny how happy that made me feel.

"Do you love me like an idiot?" I asked him. Varric smiled.

"The biggest moron in Thedas"

"Does that mean I downgrade your intelligence?" I followed up. Varric kissed me again.

"Not quite that bad, Seeker" he touched my knee "Bianca takes the medal for that"

It was a very confusing notion. I couldn't figure out if that was good or bad… there was no knowing what that comment meant. Varric didn't seem to know himself.

"I'm very glad you managed to find your missing page" he said.

I could tell he meant every word.

* * *

><p>I knew that Bianca's next letter probably wasn't going to have good news, but I didn't expect it to say what it did. I hurried to my desk once we returned from Crestwood and ripped open an envelope which had arrived three days previously. The world ceased to exist as I absorbed its contents.<p>

Dear Cassandra

I'm sorry for all the trouble I caused you for making Cullen come find me in Val Royeaux. I feel so bad about it I haven't been sleeping very well. But enough about me…. How are you? Is Varric treating you nicely? He says he is… but his definition of 'treating nice' is like milking a cow blindfolded. He may need some of that special neck wrangling we were talking about!

You're probably going to want to wallop me over the head but I burned the copy of the marriage certificate I made. Don't tell, Cullen. I don't want to disappoint anyone else. Don't tell, Varric either. I hardly know why I'm telling _you_. I guess updates are important, even if its bad news?

I don't really need Varric in my life. I have everything any girl could dream of living in an expensive Castle like this. I'll just put up with Bogdan's crap – it doesn't happen that often, and what person doesn't make mistakes, right? I don't think he is the one to blame. He's had a shit life too and sometimes he takes it out on me. It isn't anything I can't handle. Varric will need lots of convincing and a hug. Can you make him forget about me?

I wrote a long letter to say something simple. Give up on this fight. Leave me alone to be with my husband. He isn't that bad, really. I just make a big deal out of nothing. I am ok now. Nothing bad has happened. I overreacted letting Cullen stay over too. Please tell him I'm sorry. He treated me too nicely. All my pathetic problems are mine to bear.

Thanks for trying to help. I do appreciate it, but I think that's it for me. I need to accept life for what it is. If Varric really wanted me, he would have come get me years ago. He obviously isn't worth the trouble, so make him happy for me, alright? He doesn't want me. I've seen how you make him smile… he will be much better off.

Come visit my workshop in Orlais sometime. I can make you a new sword as thanks.

Your friend

Bianca Davri

My heart jumped, like it had run over a log in the road. There couldn't have been a more confusing message. It was full of contradictions. How was I supposed to not tell Varric if she had decided to stay married to Bogdan? How was I not meant to tell Cullen if she wanted me to apologize? She was asking the impossible. Her writing might be neat, but her attitude was not. I stuffed the letter in my pocket with a lot more force than necessary.

_This has gotten out of control. _

I needed to tell Cullen. I had to give the Inquisitor a quick rundown of where we were going in case we went missing. And then…

I turned on my heel.

I needed to tell Varric.


	25. Chapter 25

_Author's notes:_ Oh, this chapter is getting me so pumped and excited! Can you guys feel it too? thanks for all the new readers - you're taking on a mammoth of fanfiction. I hope you can keep up with my crazy updating - can you tell this is my life right now? Mahahwaha. Please review if you like it!

* * *

><p>Cullen came first. The door to his office opened with an almighty bang. The room was rearranged just the same, but the Inquisitor was on her toes giving the Commander a kiss. I was in such a rush I didn't smile. My expression was probably one of a psychopath. Cullen yelped.<p>

"Seeker Pentaghast!" he breathed, and he stepped backward "Shut the door!"

"What?!" The Inquisitor jumped too. She turned around "Oh, hello Cassandra"

She acted like it was nothing.

"Are you just passing through?" she smiled pleasantly.

My hands turned to fists.

_I almost broke the door and you think I'm just passing through!?_

I had never been more annoyed at the Inquisitor. It matched, maybe even surpassed when I had questioned and imprisoned her post Conclave. Thinking about that made me mad too. Such hard work for nothing! There was too much chaos in the world!

As though to make a point, I wrenched the door handle and kicked the door shut.

BANG

The cabinets on the other side of the room rattled. Dust fell onto the ground. A book fell out of its shelf. That was how angry I felt. The Inquisitor looked uncomfortable.

"Did you want to talk to me?" she asked slowly. I shook my head. I stormed toward Cullen. I withdrew my sword out of habit. I was inches from his face.

"Not just yet. I need to talk to Cullen privately first"

"Privately?" the Inquisitor's eyes widened "Is everything alright?"

"I'll tell you after" I rushed sternly. I glared at the Inquisitor. I wanted to kick her so she flew out the room and off the Battlements. The Inquisitor backed away, as though I was a bomb.

"If you're sure." She turned to Cullen "I'll just be out here, ok sweetie?"

Cullen blushed "Yes, my dear. Off you trot now"

The Inquisitor looked at Cullen, to me. She left without another sound. Cullen strode over to the door I had come through. He lifted a gloved finger.

"For Maker's sake, Cassandra" he moved the door handle to check it wasn't broken "I might have to scoop coin out of my pay for this"

"This is not the correct moment to consider door remodelling!" I yelled. I put my sword back and picked out the thing that mattered: Bianca's letter.

"I got this"

Cullen understood immediately. His eyes darted from the letter, to me. He looked strangely innocent.

"Is that…" he began. I stepped toward him.

"Yes"

Cullen's voice sped up "Is it bad?"

I thrust the letter into his hand.

"Read it for yourself"

I waited, arms crossed as Cullen's gaze sped through the letter at neck breaking speed. There was half a minute of silence. I would have tapped my foot if I wasn't so uptight. He groaned. His facial expression contorted into something I had never seen: rage. It didn't suit Cullen's uniform, perfectly styled hair or slightly pale forehead. There was a crumple. He had tightened his grip.

"_Bianca_!" he growled. He sounded annoyed too.

"Do you see my dilemma, Commander?" I said in my coldest tone. It was like I was working again. Cullen shoved the letter back under my nose. He pointed.

"Did you see this?" he said, pointing to a specific passage. I squinted, without taking the page from him. His black glove was positioned just under: _I don't want to disappoint anyone else._

"Why is that significant?" I asked. The Commander hissed. He crushed the letter further under his fingers.

"Don't' you see?" he asked, and his arm started to shake "It means she's made him mad. Very mad, even"

"What?" I tried to remember the contents at the top of my head "She wrote 'nothing bad has happened'"

"Not _yet_" Cullen said strongly. He started to pace "but it's only a matter of time. The only reason she could have written this is if she made him extremely, _unfathomably_ angry. He probably guilt tripped her until she fell to her knees. Crazy, yes –frustratingly unkind- but it's a crazy world, isn't it?"

I paused "He must have hidden it tremendously well"

"That's exactly the bloody problem, Cassandra" his voice started to sound more like the Cullen I knew. It was sharp and to the point. He paced some more "I never would have seen it if I hadn't met her in person, but Cassandra - Maker, help her soul - you must understand… this is how it starts"

"With contradictions?" I asked. Cullen stopped for a moment. He threw the letter at the wall.

"No" he whispered. He was beginning to fidget now. "With picking apart her arguments… by planting the seed of self-doubt. He just shoots down all her defences until she has nothing to throw at him anymore. It's how he breaks her."

"We need to leave" I said quickly. Cullen removed his gloves. He ran his hands over his face.

"That, we do" he moved over to a cabinet "Have you told Varric yet?"  
>"I planned to tell him after I briefed the Inquisitor of where we were going"<p>

Cullen understood "Back up. Yes…" he pulled some things out "How about you go talk to Varric and I'll speak to the Inquisitor? We need to get moving as soon as possible"

I nodded. I had to hold back from saluting him.

"Of course, Commander"

Cullen stopped rummaging at his things "Cassandra?"

His voice reached me just as I reached the door.

"Yes?"

"Don't cause the door any more tears" he said "And bring Varric kicking and screaming if you have to. Bianca needs him more than ever"

"I've done that before" I smiled slyly "I can easily do it again"

As I left, I made careful effort to shut the door like a normal person.

* * *

><p>I had never been more rude, but the circumstances were never more appropriate for it. As I passed corridor after corridor, trying to find Varric, I passed nearly every member of the Inquisition.<p>

"Good afternoon, Cassandra, did you have lunch?" Josephine asked. I walked past her.

"Not much" I said shortly.

"Cassandra, old girl" it was stupid Dorian "Are you looking for your beloved? He is in his room"

"Thank you"

"You're in a rush" The Iron Bull said.

"I am"

"Where are you going, Quickie?" Sera chimed.

"Go away, Sera"

I finally reached his door. I knocked loudly as Sera danced around me like I was a maypole.

"Cassandra's seeing Varric! Oh no, is she going to hit me? Are you going to whack me, Cassandraaaa?" she cackled.

I glared at her, but did not speak. Varric answered the door.

"Sera, you're not making a good name for yourself" he said. I hardly looked at Varric I was so determined. I was rude to him too. I pushed past him and locked the door behind me. Sera's voice was stifled. Varric glared at me.

"Did Sera set your modest do-nothings on fire? You don't look right" he said blankly. I punched the wall.

"My panties are not important!" I yelled. Varric looked taken aback. He raised his hands.

"I know you're mad, Seeker, but let's talk about this" he took a seat in his chair "what is grinding your gears this delightful evening?"

"_Your - stupid -girlfriend_!" I bellowed. The sound echoed and died. Varric looked confused.

"Call me deluded but didn't I discuss this with you before?" he said slowly.

I made that annoyed noise – the one I hadn't made for a long time. It was my I-want-to-kill-Varric sound. He noticed. He looked scared. He grabbed the crossbow Bianca from off his desk and attached it to his back.

"What's going on, Seeker?"

It was like we'd gone back in time. Back to the snarky comments and those same old nicknames… back to the anger and rivalry.

"Bianca's in trouble" I said, keeping as to-the-point as possible "We need to go get her now"

Varric's eyebrows jumped. His face turned white. He looked immobilized.

"What did you say?"

"Bianca's in trouble and we need to go get her!" I shouted. God, how much more stupid could he get? Was he deaf? I grabbed Varric by the arm "and so help me, Varric - I am not going to stand for any of your arguing today!"

I pulled him by the collar and out the room. Varric hopped, unbalanced. He was struggling to keep up.

"I wasn't going to" he said meekly "but an _explanation_ would be great!"

There was the sarcasm, the anger. I sighed. I began the process of ignoring everyone in the corridor again.

"She wrote me a letter asking for help" I said quickly. Varric was thinking as rapidly as I was speaking. We could have talked over the top of each other. He regained the power in his step.

"Bianca wouldn't ask for help. She's tries way too hard to do everything herself" Varric ranted "What happened, Cassandra? What aren't you telling me?"

I wrenched my grip from Varric and turned to him. I was mad, but Varric wasn't giving in, either. He had determination etched into his features. The fury was secondary.

"This isn't the time" I breathed "Are you coming or not?"

"Why do you need me?" Varric asked "Are things not going to plan?"

"_Bianca_ needs you!" I yelled "Are you going to deny her that, Varric?"  
>Varric crossed his arms. His deduction skills were record breaking "Did you lie to me?"<p>

I fell silent. Varric stared me down. It was like he'd grown a couple of feet and was now taller than me.

"There's no way by Andraste's grave this happened out of the blue. Tell me the truth, Seeker"

I bit my lip. He was going to regret this.

"I'll only tell you on the way if you come with me"

Varric's face went blank. I saw behind his eyes the hyper speed debate forming in his head. It was like a spider web. A handful of his brain cells probably died in the impact.

"If that's not a lie too, then we have a deal"

Relief washed over my features. I turned away. We needed to get outside to reach the stable.

"It's not" is all I said.

* * *

><p>A gorgeous orange sunset cast a colorful beam over the dark green grass. It was a shame because admiring the scenery was the last thing I felt like doing. As I approached the stable I realized Cullen was having a yelling match with the Inquisitor. The closer we got to them, the more it seemed they were wrapping up their problems. Their erratic hand movements slowed down. Their yells became less spiteful, and they sounded more themselves.<p>

"So that's it, then? You'll let me help you?" The Inquisitor asked. Cullen guided one of the horses out of its spot. Cullen sighed.

"If that will help you sleep at night, dear. I would be stupid to refuse"

_How many people are getting involved now_? I glared.

"Curly, I didn't think I'd see you _here_ of all places"

Varric had never sounded more sarcastic in all my time of knowing him. He wanted answers, and he didn't want to wait. "Don't break your ego, Herald"

The Inquisitor sounded irritated. She waved the hair out of her face and stormed away.

"I have some people to get to"

She avoided my eye as she passed. Cullen was climbing onto his horse.

"We need to get to it, Varric. They'll be plenty of time for a chat on the road"

Varric sounded exasperated. He took the crossbow Bianca out of that designated spot on his back. He pointed it at Cullen's horse.

"Is Bianca alright?" he asked, death streaming from his throat like poison "If you tell me to wait one more time… I'll cripple that precious horse of yours!"

His comment escalated to a yell. His teeth were bared.

Cullen sighed. He was in the saddle now "By King Alistair's stubble… is _everyone_ hormonal today?"

I grabbed Varric's shoulder. It was a far more aggressive grabbing than I wanted it to be. Gladly, Varric was angry enough himself that he didn't notice.

"Varric, the damage has been done" I said, trying to keep my voice low "We might be too late. She…"

I didn't want to say it.

"She is breaking"

Varric fired the crossbow. With a loud throttle and a shrill 'kaching!' an arrow bolted into the grass. Only the very end was still visible. He turned to me. I saw fear in his eyes, but it was nothing compared to his voice.

"Don't tell me that, Seeker"

He sounded so desperate his tone had disappeared entirely. It was an amalgamating contradiction. The contrast was almost crazier than Bianca's letter. Maybe they had _both_ lost their minds. Cullen turned to one of his soldiers and muttered instruction to him. I went forth to pick my horse. The shade of the stable blocked out the magnificent pantone orange. I picked out my favourite horse – she was white with smudges of brown. Her name was Ellessar.

"Do not ask for the truth if you do not truly want it" I told him. I lead the horse out of the stable. "You must try to stay calm, Varric. I know you are stronger than this"

Varric clenched his jaw. After a rapid deduction, he put crossbow Bianca back behind him.

"I'm guessing we need to crash what's his name's humble abode" he said, fragments of his normal self-returning. To me this was confirmation he avoided Bogdan's name on purpose. Cullen laughed darkly.

"I'm ready to blow it up, at this rate"

I smiled. I was inclined to agree. I climbed on my horse as Varric picked out his.

"I'm sorry, Varric" I muttered, and I'm not sure he heard me. I raised my voice. "Who else are we waiting on?"

"Nobody" Cullen said firmly. He kicked his horse, encouraging it to move. It trotted in a squiggle before straightening out "My men know the way. They'll follow behind with any reinforcements the Inquisitor can find. We cannot afford to dawdle."

Varric smiled. He was on his horse now too. I followed Cullen as we reached the Skyhold exit.

"Funny – for years I swore 'dawdle' was my middle name" he said. I smiled "You're alright, Curly"

Cullen was still trying to calm his emotions "I expect you'll bow down and kiss my boots once we're done with this mess, Varric?"

Varric laughed "I'll think about it"

Our horses were ready to go. The trotting upyeilded into an intense gallop once we left the Skyhold bridge. The hills were going to be torture riding like this. Cool air billowed in my ears, disrupting the rhythm of hooves on the ground. I raised my hips up so I didn't break my pelvis on the impact. My breathing jutted. How was Varric going to discuss Bianca like this?

Only the Hanged Man storyteller could make it possible.

"Wh-What do you mean Bianca is b-breaking?" Varric called. He rode on the side of me, while Cullen stayed in front. I was thinking about how to answer when Cullen got to it first.

"It's been happening for years. I don't know why you thought it was okay to leave her"

Never mind asking _how_ Cullen knew the information – the argument had already begun.

"I didn't do it by _choice_!" Varric hissed "I was forced out!"

The wind was picking up in gust and decreasing in temperature. We all had to speak louder to get on top of the noise.

"I don't see why you're making excuses" Cullen sounded angry. It was most unlike him "If I was in your place I would have died making the sacrifice"

Varric seemed to reconnect the dots "I'd agree with you if I hadn't experienced things worse than death… besides, my will to live is too strong"

"Commander Cullen!" I called, getting used to the galloping down the steep mountain "It is not your place to condemn him. Varric and Bianca did their best. What's done is past. At least we're doing our best to fix it now"

I caught eyes with Varric for a fraction of a second. I was sure he would have told me he loved me if we weren't so half deafened by horseback and mountains. Cullen's sigh probably got lost in the wind. He sounded like his old self.

"I'm sorry, Varric!" he yelled "Forgive me! I'm simply too deprived of my Inquisitor"

Varric's laugh was blocked by the relentless gushing.

"I can't believe you're telling _me_ about being sex deprived!"

I felt mildly embarrassed by his comment. Was he saying I didn't please him enough?

_No,_ I reasoned, _it was just another Bianca reference._

I gave myself a headache considering what it must be like to not bed your lover in over four years.

"How did this start?" Varric shouted over to me "I only want to know as much as you think I should."

"You're finally trusting of my judgement, then?" I asked him. Varric's nod looked more like a random loll on his horse.

"My judgement - has absolute - zilch - on yours!"

Before I explained, I reveled in a moment of pride. Suddenly, the deafening roar of the gale didn't seem so bad.

_About time you get your head out of your ass, Varric!_


	26. Chapter 26

Cullen didn't interrupt as I explained the story, although he answered directly to Varric's questions. We left out the details of the abuse. We figured Varric didn't need to get angrier. Most of the other sections remained the same.

I wished I wasn't on a horse so I could properly console Varric during this desperate time. But Bianca and Varric had left this too long – rushing was an unfortunate consequence of that. I didn't blame them for making the choices they did – they had experienced significant trauma and were terrified of a repeat episode. I suppose I didn't understand why Varric had never asked anyone for help – surely this ordeal proved two, three, or even four heads were better than one?

_I guess he did accept my help –eventually-,_ I thought. _He was just very insecure_.

My thoughts abruptly halted as I looked at Varric's expression. It was as though someone had told him the world was going to end or he was going to die. Emotional paralysis didn't come close to describing it. There was absolutely nothing in his forehead, his cheeks, and his mouth… certainly not his eyes. It was a chilling emptiness.

"Do you need to stop, Varric?" I asked him. The wind had died down now we were on flat land again.

No, we couldn't stop… but I had to ask to show I cared. Varric shook his head. He might as well have screamed for how unhinged it made him look. Words fluttered past my brain.

_Seeing Bianca always makes me feel… unstable. I need to write that shit out so I don't break something. _

_Loosing Bianca for good – even if it is just her mind – is my worst fear. _

Being unstable and terrified probably weren't a great combination.

_Maybe we should stop,_ I thought, _he can't fight or help Bianca like this_.

"Commander Cullen!" I yelled. Cullen was a tiny way ahead of us.

"What is it, Cassandra?"

"Can we settle for some food where possible?" I inquired "We will need energy… this will be an emotional battle as well as physical"

"I hope the physical is left out of it entirely" Cullen shouted behind him "Yes, there are a few nice taverns in Val Royeaux. It should be another few hours. Is that soon enough?"

I turned to Varric, but he was as impenetrable as stone.

"Yes, that's perfect!" I smiled, feeling better than I had for a few days "Thank you, Cullen"

Cullen waved his hand to show he understood. We didn't speak for a while. I became immune to the galloping rock of my horse. To stop myself falling asleep, I sparked conversation with Cullen. It was nice to catch up and talk about mundane, unimportant things. I heard Varric humming a song on continuous loop… I wondered what the words were.

* * *

><p>We were feeding ourselves with crepes those many hours later at a place called: Merce &amp; The Verlet. It was noisy and homely – one of the less fancier places in Val Royeaux. It reminded me of the high end taverns in Redcliffe. This was reassuring to me, somehow. Orlais gave me culture shock more often than not. Varric hardly touched his plate.<p>

"You're got to eat; Varric" Cullen shook Varric's shoulders "Bianca needs her rescuer to be strong!"

Varric's head fell into his hands. He didn't speak for a moment.

"Bianca loved these sorts of places. They were her favourite" he said. Cullen and I couldn't see his eyes "We used to go to a different one each time so the regulars wouldn't recognize us. We always reserved the table with fake names. We'd put on personas and dress up on occasion – act like rich snobs or drunkards. It was out of this world. She was great with accents."

"I get the impression that part of the fun of being with Bianca _was_ the running away" I noticed. Varric shrugged.

"It gave excuses to be creative. We hardly knew anything else. It was never quiet, hardly ever peaceful" he stabbed his crepe "I guess nothing's changed, right?"

Cullen looked uncomfortable "Sorry, Varric, but I have to ask – do you really think talking about Bianca is going to _help_?"

"Well, thinking about her _doesn't_, and I've done enough of that" he grumbled. He picked at his plate again, destroying the well prepared meal "Who cares anyway? I bet she feels nothing for me now"

"Now _you're_ going on about this?" Cullen blurted out "Don't be ridiculous, Varric. Snap out of it!"

He gave Varric a small hit on the shoulder, but it didn't do a great deal. Varric held onto the sides of his head.

"I _can't_" he groaned. Varric was right; he did seem calmer when he was talking _about_ her.

"What was your favourite date with Bianca?" I asked him "You must have some funny stories"

Varric removed his hands from his face. He looked triumphant.

"You bet I do! It's so hard to choose, though. There are too many. Hmm…"

Cullen and I looked at each other while he pondered. I could tell Cullen was trying to convey to me:

_Smart job, Lady Pentaghast. _

"I think my favourite is when Bianca flashed the waiter so he'd give us a discount" Varric finished. Cullen hit his chest with his fist. He had started choking. I gave a small laugh.

"Please tell me about it" I said. Varric flexed his knuckles. Glimmers of his old self were returning.

"We'd gotten into a long argument about the pricing. The waiter was about to kick us out but Bianca surprised everyone in the room by lifting up her shirt. _Everyone's_ jaw dropped. A baby might have cried. The waiter got all flustered. 'Take your refund and go. Take your bosom somewhere else'. Bianca grabbed the coin and dropped each one down her shirt so the waiter would see. He was bright red! Then Bianca – hahaha - says 'My bosom will go wherever it pleases. Be lucky you saw one pair in your life. They bid you farewell, sir!'. Ah, it was funnier at the time. _No one_ saw it coming"

I laughed "That was a wonderful story" I beamed at Varric's elated expression "I can see how happy she made you"

Cullen ate silently between us. I think he regretted picking the seat in the middle.

"Making me happy is understatement" he smiled "She was like an angel that created rainbows from the rain'

_Such obscure choice of words,_ Cullen thought.

"Did anything sadden you about Bianca?" I questioned him, remembering the Inquisitor's opinion. Cullen looked from me to Varric, following the conversation like a sporting event. Varric picked at his food, but he didn't seem disgusted by it now.

"The times we had were great – even the fighting wasn't that bad sometimes. We usually laughed afterward – 'No one will catch me' she said 'I'm too small; I just slip through their fingers'… I always felt like there was a giant vulture circling around Bianca's head, though. That sounds so morbid"

Cullen had ran out of food, so he sipped his drink little by little.

_At least –my- life isn't all the gossip anymore_, he reasoned.

"Bianca slipped through their fingers because you were around" I reaffirmed. Varric concentrated hard on a spot in front of him, like he was trying to remember something.

"Yeah, it was really messy though. It taught me to think quickly, and act even quicker. I don't know if I'm a better person for it, but that's what being with Bianca required. Lightning fast reaction time…. The vulture eventually got her"

"Pardon me for interrupting, Varric" Cullen began. Varric didn't mind.

"We're all friends here"

Cullen cleared his throat "I would find it downright _depressing_ if a metaphorical vulture was looming over _my_ lady's head!"

_My lady,_ I smiled weakly. I tried to keep calm.

"The saddest thing it wasn't a metaphor. Vulture feathers would show whenever we saw each other" Varric said ruefully. Cullen was intensely interested now.

"Like what?"

Varric thought of how to explain.

"This is a shit comparison, but bear with me"

Cullen and I leaned forward to listen.

"It is like there's two Bianca's. There's happy Bianca, and broken Bianca. Happy Bianca is an angel – funny, intelligent, graceful… I can hardly think of a better person"

_Nice compliment, Varric_ – I thought bitterly.

"Broken Bianca made me sad. She is unsure of herself and paranoid like hell. Always looking over her shoulder… It's tempting to blame her shit Dad. I do two hundred times a day. Her mum was neglectful but not a terrible person. Part of me wonders if our relationship brought more of Broken Bianca out. It makes me feel guilty. It's probably why I've taken this long to do anything about it"

Cullen and I were silenced about the same time. I could think of no counters to his argument.

"What did Bianca think about this?" I finally said. Varric drank some water.

"She'd laugh at me. 'You're the paranoid one, Varric. The only thing over my head is the sky'… yeah, maybe. I guess I'm weird. That's just the best way I could articulate it. That is how _different_ the two are"

Cullen looked very pale. He was gripping his glass of water like it was pumping blood around his body.

"Did something slip into your drink, Curly?" Varric asked. Cullen shook his head.

"Nothing, Varric. Nothing at all"

His expression did not change. Varric eyed him curiously.

"You met Bianca more recently than I have… in her own cage… what was she like?"

Cullen looked like he wanted to crawl into a ball.

"I don't want to talk about it"

Varric tried to meet Cullen's eyes, but it was pointless.

"Come on, Curly" he urged. Cullen pushed his plate away from him.

"I'm not having this conversation with you, Varric"

Varric didn't give up. He turned to me.

"You're good at forcing words out of people, right Cassandra?"

I clenched my jaw "I do not do it out of spite, Varric"

Varric looked mildly irritated, but he pushed it away. He finally pushed some crepe onto his fork.

"I bet this will taste like ass"

He put some into his mouth and forced a swallow. Cullen sat up straight again. He seemed reassured Varric was eating.

"There's no need for me to recount what I saw, Varric" Cullen finally said "You'll get to make that decision for yourself"

We left our horses with Cullens men in their usual meeting place. Leliana, Dorian, The Iron Bull and Josephine were keeping watch while the rest of the Inquisition gathered a quick bite to eat. We instructed them to wait out of sight, but within easy access of Bogdan's mansion so they could assist us if we needed to make a quick escape or if reinforcements started flooding in.

That's just what we did.

* * *

><p>When we arrived at Bianca's address – Cullen still had the slip of paper – I had to drag Varric to the door. His feet had decided to stop working. Cullen pushed me along to help.<p>

"If I didn't know your name was Varric I would have sworn you'd transformed into an abomination" he muttered, sounding frustrated. Varric seemed oddly amused by the sight.

"Yeah, Bianca makes my legs break. What can I say?"

"It would be romantic if it was under better circumstances" Cullen pushed. I smiled. He was too right! Now might be a good time to tickle his feet, but I resisted.

Footsteps appeared in the distance. We turned to the side. A man in black trousers and robes was there. He had a scruffy appearance – thick brown hair and stubble. He had obviously tried to tame his hair with gel but it didn't look quite as polished as it should. Cullen took the first step.

"H-Hello Bodgan" he waved "Nice to see you again"

"You're looking well, Holden" Bogdan smiled. He seemed calm "Are these friends of yours?"

I heard Varric snigger at the mention of the alias.

"Unfortunately" Cullen scratched the back of his head "We were hoping we could speak to Bianca, actually – if she's not too busy"

Bogdan stroked a non-existent beard "Hmm… Bianca… she might be doing some laundry. You'll have to go inside yourself. I am just finishing up with a customer. I'll come meet you when I'm done"

"C-Certainly!" we all glanced at each other "Thank you - we're sorry to intrude. Is the door unlocked?"

My heart froze. I realized Bogdan was looking at Varric. His expression didn't change though.

"Just knock. Bianca will answer you" Bogdan dismissed the comment with a swish of his hand "My only request is that you keep the noise level down because of my work." He hesitated, before turning "It is great to see some familiar faces again"

_Like Varric_, I thought. Bogdan disappeared. We breathed a sigh of relief.

"With any luck this will be resolved over a drink" Cullen said cheerily, but I knew he didn't believe it. Neither one of us did. Varric nervously removed his hands from crossbow Bianca. He was shaking when Cullen knocked on the door.


	27. Chapter 27

_Authors notes:_ A long chapter this time. I tried really hard to make it perfect... Hope you enjoy! :-)

* * *

><p>It was quiet for a moment. I focused on one of the oval shaped bushes half a dozen meters away, positioned so perfectly against its brothers. They were aligned in a square formation, decorating the interior of the mariana blue walls that ran all around the edges of the front gardens. The pavement that welcomed the patches of soil was white. Very faint flickers of gold and silver swirled inside the thin slabs of stone. Many tiny blossoms littered the patches of moist grass: baby pink and lilac. The dark handfuls of terrain were freshly unearthed and exuberated a fragrance worms would kill for. I suspected Dorian might be reminded of his father here, even if he was keeping eye from a distance away. Mariana blue and black opal was the mansion's colour scheme, a very expensive ink to desire. The afternoon sun could have made this picture famous if a painter had been witness.<p>

I was brought sharply back to reality as Cullen knocked again. The rapping's of Cullen's fist were partially obscured by the door that ran three times the height of my body. Why dwarfs needed houses big enough to keep a whole army was a mystery to me. I peered beside me at the brooding dwarf.

Varric crossed his arms to try and stop himself shaking. It didn't work. I squeezed his forearm, felt the tough material of his sleeve, and he smiled weakly at me. A female voice became apparent. Everyone knew who it was.

"I'm nearly there!"

_Bianca _

If this had been one of my romance novels, Varric and Bianca would run longingly into each others arms in this moment. But that was not the case, as more than a gigantic estate between them. There was plenty of unease too. I saw Varric shudder at the sound, like a wasp that had picked its next target. He could not run. Clearly Val Royeaux did not hold good memories for him. He was his normal self when Bianca had visited Skyhold. It was probably the result of 15 years of build-up… over a decade of dreaming for this moment.

The door finally opened. Cullen promptly stepped in front of Varric. On purpose, it seemed.

"Hello, Bianca" he smiled pleasantly. If anyone was going to be reassuring, it was him, because Bianca didn't look happy to see anyone else. An unruly scowl distorted her flawless skin – unmasked today. She didn't have her hair in pins. It was out to flow in the air and gleam in the sun. She looked less like a dwarf and more like an elf than I'd ever seen from her: exotic but completely out of bounds. Her eyes narrowed.

"What brings you hear?" she asked, her look far from innocent. She knew exactly why we were here. She was simply testing what we would say.

Cullen faltered "We – We wanted to reunite you with your favourite dwarf. See, we brought Varric"

He stepped back out of the way so Bianca could absorb the urgency of the situation. He tried to seem welcoming, but somehow Cullen's nerves made his armour look as threatening as tin foil. The sword poking from his side might as well have been a branch from a dying tree. Intimidating was the last mechanism he managed.

Varric waved. His eyes peered from side to side, and then he exploded.

"Bianca, what the hell?!"

"What the hell yourself!" she snapped. I pushed Varric forward.

"I recall Bogdan saying he did not want to hear a ruckus" I reminded him.

Cullen jumped in "Yes, yes, let's not make him mad"

Bianca screwed up her face and let us through. She gave Varric a painful nudge as he passed her and locked the door. Mariana blue and black opal decorated the walls in lofty patterns. Some lines looked like brush strokes, almost as lace or snowflakes. Mirrors seemed to replace the role of paintings in this space – many copies of my face peered back at me from hexagons, pentagons and more. Gold or silver parchment framed the edges like a half opened gift. The corridor had a very high ceiling with a diamond encrusted silver chandelier. The silence was made all the more ominous by the abundance of wasted space. Cullen tried to break it.

"Are you still working, Bianca?"

Bianca smiled "Yeah, of course! I'm working in the evening though. It, uh… helps me get away"

"I thought you said everything was fine, Bianca?" I said calmly, hoping she would connect the dots on her own. Bianca nodded. She gave a toothy grin.

"Oh, it is. I'm fine. I just want space. Bogdan is fine about it"

"Are you really that stupid, Bianca?" Varric demanded. Frustration was not an apt enough word to describe his reaction "Did what's his name pay lashes of coin for your personality make over?"

Bianca looked angry and sad. She brought a hand to her chest in objection "_Me_? What about you?!"

Varric opened his arms out in exasperation "Look what he's done to you! He's made you into some God awful, typical housewife. You swore you'd never do that!"

Bianca looked uncomfortable, but she didn't back down "I'd rather be a housewife then be in a relationship with someone who doesn't even visit me" she berated.

Varric was silenced, although that familiar sadness returned to his features. He groaned "Bianca…"

"For Maker's sake!" Cullen had lost it. He stepped forward once to come between Varric and Bianca "You're both being children. Let's go back to Skyhold – you can sort out your differences there. I'm sorry, Bianca – this isn't what I'd usually do - don't hold it against me"

If someone told me Cullen was going to do what he did, I wouldn't have believed them. To everyone's surprise, probably even his, he crouched down and scooped Bianca over his shoulder. He stood up, leaving Bianca's legs dangling aimlessly. Her black heels lightly scratched metal. The silver plates of his armour now reflected the daisy's on Bianca's pretty flowered dress. Varric laughed.

"Nice idea, Curly!"

Bianca gave Cullen a single kick. It was like her body had shut down. Her reaction was gravely delayed. When she spoke, her voice cracked like one of the mirrors on the wall might.

"W-Why are you doing this? It doesn't make sense" tears welled in her eyes "I trusted you, Cassandra!"

I tried to look at her, but she was burying her face in Cullen's chest plate. It was easy to remain composed.

"I did what I thought was best given the circumstances"

"You're _wrong_!" Bianca protested, pounding her fists against Cullen. It clanged. The noise bounced off the walls "How do _you_ know what is best for me?"

"Truthfully? I am only guessing. I do not wish to cause complications on you, Bianca" I admitted, and I moved out of the way so Cullen could unhinge the lock on the door. He stepped back slowly, like trying not to wake a bear from its cave. "We ought to leave before Bogdan notices"

_Bianca will have to make peace with Cullen's hands for now…._

It seemed unreal. This was too easy. Were they really just going to make a run for it? It looked like they didn't have a better plan at present. Cullen was right. Bianca wasn't in a state to be reasoned with. Force might be the only option. I used the line the Inquisitor had used with me. "I'm thinking about what makes you happy"

Bianca wailed. Cullen clamped a hand over her mouth. She screamed. Cullen kept the hand there, even when Bianca bit him.

"Ouch"

Putting up a good fight, Bianca pulled away Cullen's hand with two of her own. The following phrase was screeched.

"I'm so _unhappy_!"

The waterworks began. It echoed like thunder in these halls. Varric was white. He was taken aback by Bianca's behaviour. I withdrew my sword and Varric took the crossbow Bianca out. She was making way too much noise, there was no telling when…

"I thought I told you to keep it down" Bogdan said. He was at the end of the corridor. We all stood still as he approached. "It isn't difficult to do, is it?"

Bianca buried her mouth in Cullen's shirt.

"We- We're sorry, Bogdan" Cullen said hastily "Bianca, uh… we were playing a game"

Of course

It was just like a reticent Cullen to come up with the worst excuse in the world. I groaned and let the tip of my sword touch the tiled ground. If he wasn't emotionally invested in Bianca, Commander Cullen Rutherford would have no trouble coming up with elaborative lie on the spot. If he had a complete stranger over his shoulder, he probably wouldn't even lie. He'd simply explain in his business-like manner 'This lady has expressed unrest concerning your treatment of her, so we've come to confiscate her from your hospitality'. But Bianca had dug her roots into him in the same way she'd done to Varric… only less intensely. It seems like every person in the room was a touch insane.

"I don't believe your story" Bogdan said simply.

_That is no surprise. No one would,_ I thought angrily.

Now that he was closer Bodgan's black outfit made him look like one of the rogue mages. It was cold and unwelcoming. Bianca's lip trembled. "Tell me the truth or I'll be forced to kick you out. It won't make anyone look reputable. You're lucky I'm agreeable, so I'd rather no one thought ill of me. I'm willing to hear your arguments."

We all exchanged glances. I stepped forward.

"We do not wish to use force either – but we will if you do not back down" I warned him, eyes flashing dangerously. Bogdan smiled, except now he looked evil. It was a sarcastic grimace.

"Fine. You want to talk? I want to talk – let's _talk_" he brought his hands together and sat on a chair next to a small rounded table "Where to begin…"

It was like fifteen years of being patient had taught Varric an unmatched viciousness, because his next words were firecrackers.

"Bianca doesn't want your slimy hands anywhere near her!" Varric yelled. He clicked something and his crossbow prepared to strike "You just talked her out of it. And before you ask, no, I'm not going to be 'reputable'. I'm tired of that shit!"

_Varric_, I sighed, frustrated. There were so many other ways that could have been phrased. I tensed the hand gripping the hilt of my sword. Sweat was gleaming around the edges. It felt slippery.

Bogdan's expression didn't change. His eyes bored into Varric's. His tone was velvet, but only the worst colour velvet imaginable.

"If Bianca really wanted you I don't think I would have been able to _talk her out of it_. Are you sure we're talking about the same Bianca? I haven't heard her utter words of what you're describing in recent memory. It's been a year, at _least_."

"S-She…" Varric began, but he had been shot down. Bogdan continued.

"Where were you at our wedding, Varric? We invited you. I wanted to meet the man she gushed about. I was even looking forward to it, but you didn't show. Where's the logic in that?"

"I'm forbidden to go near her by the Guild!" Varric yelled "I would have been killed! Don't put her in awkward situations like that!"

They started to speak louder to drown out Bianca's crying. Cullen pat her on the head. We knew this wasn't our conversation to have.

"I encouraged her to do it." Bogdan said "I made sure she was treated rightfully at our wedding… even if she cried about _you_. I got her extra flowers and fed her larger portions than everyone else. She carried on – and on – and _on_- but I didn't mind. I supported her, because that's what husbands are meant to do. She owes me the world"

Varric snarled. He turned to Bianca.

"You can't believe this shit! He did it deliberately to trick you"

Bianca continued to sob. It was like she'd been given the shouting at. Bogdan stood up. He was looking at Bianca now.

"Don't you see, Bianca? Varric doesn't want you. He took so long to get here he - "

_Kaching!_

_Thump_

An arrow shot in Bogdan's direction. I lift my sword. Bogdan was fast. He had already dropped to the floor to avoid it. He must have learned how to fight somewhere. I knew I shouldn't have believed it when Leliana mentioned 'self-defence' purposes. I yelled and swung my sword at his ugly face. Bogdan flung two daggers together in a cross in front of him. The blade hit it, but didn't break through. He'd managed to slow the swing. I tried again.

_Clang!_

No good. I heard frantic finger movements as Cullen unlocked the door behind him. His footsteps were loud with the extra weight on his shoulders. Varric shot his crossbow again. Bogdan rolled on the ground, but the arrow was too fast. Bogdan was pinned by his clothing. I took my chance and threw a strike at Bogdan's belly as another one –no, two - arrows pierced Bogdan's shoulder. He groaned and heaved a dagger up instead of two, too retrained by his clothing. There was a small moment when our weapons collided. Within these micro seconds his clothes ripped. A small puddle of blood was dampening his sleeve.

The weight of the sword was too much. It sliced through his clothes and made a shallow incision in his belly. Small beads of blood surfaced on his slightly overweight abdomen. The penetrated skin was a rudimentary line of rawness. Bogdan growled and started to cut himself free of the arrow that had pinned his clothes. Bianca screamed.

"Stop fighting!" she yelled. Her voice pierced my ears "Just kill me!"

"Don't say things like that, Bianca" Cullen urged her, getting distressed himself. I couldn't hear very well what he was saying, but the door was open. It poured light in from outside. Varric and I's shadows created harsh lines on Bogdan's exterior. I lift my sword over my head. I heard Varric shooting arrows in a flurry next to me, except it wasn't at Bogdan. There were footsteps, and the rumbling of distant yelling. Cullen's voice got quieter and quieter. "Let's get you out, you poor girl"

_Time to take you down! _I thought angrily.

It was my chance. I could kill him with this strike. I threw down my sword again, only this time another sword came to meet me. I raised my eyes and followed the silver blade. A burley man in bronze armor was standing over Bodgan, feet behind him. He had a beard and thick eyebrows: a human. A perfect way to make up for the height problems in battle... The room was dark once more. Cullen and Bianca had escaped.

"Get out of here, snooping bitch" the guard rumbled.

"I will do nothing of the sort" I said intensely, and we both pushed our swords against the other. The blades screeched horribly. I stumbled and yelped.

"ARGH"

My sword wavered as my knees shook. Intense pain pierced my lower leg. I felt blood pour, but I didn't look. Bogdan had ripped his daggers across my lower leg. I yield a kick as numbness caressed my feet. I got Bogdan's heavy thigh. He grunted. He crawled out from underneath us. I couldn't waste time. I glanced around the room. An incision graced my shoulder as I reassembled myself. Beads of sweat formed on my neck.

The guards had gotten whiff of the spat. They had appeared from rooms on the side, it seemed. The doors were ajar. We were now outnumbered 7 to 2.

"Get out!" I yelled – I hit the guardsman in the neck and turned around. Varric didn't need a reminder. He shot a field of arrows within a short space of time. It slowed the guards down – some hit their targets, but it didn't stop them from racing toward us. I ran, stumbling a little, swinging my sword when some got too close.

We burst out the door just as Bogdan yelled.

'BIANCA!"

_Where did he go? _I thought, but I had no idea. I slowed for a moment as the next surprise came flooding.

Outside was even worse than inside. There were at least a dozen guards, and the Inquisition forces who had come along were already fighting them with clashes of swords, banging of shields and bursts of magic flying across the garden. Blood splattered the lawn. A few bodies disrupted the pleasantries of flowers. The noise was insane. My leg wouldn't stop bleeding. I ducked as a fireball leaped over my head and joined Varric in his plight. Arrows were shooting from the crossbow Bianca like pins of a porcupine. Varric did not flinch.

_Clunk, clunk, clunk, clunk_ – it went rapidly. Yells erupted as they hit their respective targets. Every couple of seconds one went down.

It was almost as though Bianca had designed that crossbow with this fight in mind. Not picking my own fight, I simply assisted Varric as guards came at him. If Varric died, this fight would be lost.

I didn't need to tell Cullen to run. He already was, holding Bianca close to him like she was his child. He would throw a kick at those who approached him, wielding his sword one handed. He packed a good strike, so it was mildly effective. One of his soldiers crossed him on a black horse and jumped off. The soldier took the defensive stance, while Cullen hoisted Bianca onto the horse. I saw out the corner of my eye as I thrashed swords with a guard. Bianca didn't fight anymore. There were tears crawling down her face. I couldn't see because I had to stab a guy getting close to Varric. Blood spurt onto my armour.

"Varric!" Bianca called. Varric and I swapped places, so he was shooting arrows at those on Bianca's side of the terrain. I took on the guards facing the door. Varric shouted at her. I heard him right in my ear.

"Cullen will take care of you!" he yelled "Leave already, you idiot!"

"I'm _your_ idiot! Don't go!" Bianca pleaded. Varric didn't get a chance to respond. I assumed Cullen had joined her on the horse because he shouted.

"Good luck Team Inquisition! We'll see you at Skyhold"

I was surprised I didn't need to tell Varric not to go after her. They were gone with the gallop of hooves, leaving the rest of the Inquisition to destroy guards. He knew this was where we had to be. It was just like the rifts, without the bursts of green light. First Bogdan, then Alden….

This place needed to be brought to the ground.

* * *

><p>Cullen was getting tired of the perils of horseback, but he had travelled far longer distances than this before. This mission had been particularly trying – he had never been emotionally connected to one of its accomplices before. It made the travel time feel longer. He tried to block out the constant sobs from Bianca, but it was difficult when she was muttering under her breath. He tried to calm her, while his heart rate slowed and his sweat dried from the fast moving air. It ended up being a decent distraction.<p>

"It's over, Bianca" he told her "We will arrive at Skyhold early in the morning, I'd expect…. If the weather stays clear"

"If that's true, how come I don't believe you?" Bianca asked. She wrapped her arms tighter around Cullen's stomach. Cullen sighed.

"You've been with that awful man too long." He said kindly.

"You heard him, right?" Bianca sobbed.

"What?"

"Varric was mad at me" Bianca's voice stuttered horribly "He probably wants me out of his sight"

"He came to get you because he loves you" Cullen reaffirmed.

"But there's Cassandra too" Bianca noted. Cullen had considered this himself – he hoped Varric would choose Cassandra, as painful as that would be. Despite his bias, his inability to be fully invested in Bianca's cause, he knew exactly what to say.

"Varric will make his choice when he knows, but that doesn't mean he does not care for you"

Bianca's sobs seemed to lessen.

"What am I going to do if he wants her?" she whispered, despair clinging to her voice. Cullen sighed.

"I'm sorry to say I am not the best help. If you like Templar recruits - I can introduce you to some. I know a few who have a soft spot for dwarfs… but that's all I can offer you"

Bianca laughed "Get real, Cullen. I don't know if Templars are my type"

Cullen pat one of her hands, pulling away from the reigns for a second "You can't know unless you try. I pick only the best for the Inquisition"

"Fine. I'll think about it – I find your hugs more helpful though"

Cullen felt kind of pathetic knowing his only suggestion was to bombard _both_ the girls with men, but what else was he supposed to do? Hug her? Did the Inquisitor consider that too much?

He tried not to think about it. He had to focus on the road.

* * *

><p>The Davri estate had aged over the years. The bricks smelled musty and there were cracks in some of the paint. Hightown was a distant memory. He liked to alternate which place he lived in, and this had been his choice ever since Alden found Bogdan. For a youngling, he was the most impeccable man Alden had ever met. He was wealthy, well-traveled and showed interest in Bianca's line of work – in <em>his<em> work. He poured some whisky into a glass and smelled the bottle. He had left it too long in the cellar.

_Not a problem,_ he wished this away. There was a knock on the door.

"Yes, Meadow?"

His slave, who had once been a beautiful woman, had frayed at the seams. Her hair was silver, eyes a dying breed of smoky green. He had enjoyed looking into them while his wife cooked dinner. It seemed like a lifetime ago now. Meadow curtsied, and Alden realized she was flustered.

"There is a problem at Bogdan's, ser" she said quickly "Apparently a group called The Inquisition has started tearing down the place. Do you know of them?"

_Not those crummy bastards,_ Alden though angrily, but he didn't let it show in his face. He sipped the chocolate coloured whiskey. It didn't taste off, considering it had passed its prime.

"Do you know what brings them there?" he asked in a deep rumble. Meadow bit her lip.

"There is a… T-Tethras there, ser" she said uneasily.

Meadow knew what was coming next. She had heard of the hatred between the Houses for years. Meadow had heard wonderful stories about a particular Tethras from the Madam Bianca, but Meadow had sworn to secrecy. If she had better paying work, she would have hidden this from Alden. But alas, the conflict must go on.

Alden clenched his glass. It moved an inch on the table. There was only one reason a Tethras would target Bogdan's estate.

"Have you heard from Bianca?" he inquired calmly "I do miss her cupcakes"

"N-N-No" Meadow stuttered "She… She has been taken away, ser"

A wave of anger glinted in Alden's eyes, but it settled like the evening ebb and flow of the ocean.

_Ah, so it has finally happened._ He breathed. His nostrils flared. This was the time to strike!

"Meadow…" Alden began, in his most soothing tone "May you fetch me my axe? I think it is overdue for some head chopping"

Meadow bowed, but her heart raced like never before.

"At once, Lord Alden"

Meadow left the room.

_The filthy whore, _Alden thought. He got to his feet. This whiskey would have to wait.

No one had ever separated him from his Bianca before, and it wasn't going to start now. He smiled wickedly, as the thought of his axe in his hand reminded him of his power. He had been looking for an excuse to knock down that sleazy Tethras bastard ever since he heard word of him. Now, over a decade later – years of dreaming of his demise – he finally did. Now Varric had stolen Bianca away and assuredly murdered her guards, maybe even her husband – he finally had a reason to which the masses – the world - wouldn't pass judgement upon him.

He clenched his hand into a fist. It was a happy fist, the one of a courageous soldier moments from victory.

Time had come at last for the storyteller Varric Tethras to die.

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><p><em>Authors notes:<em> Fight scenes are so hard to write! Not looking forward to more LOL


	28. Chapter 28

"Nice job, team" the Inquisitor smiled.

The guards were down. Bodies littered the ground in bloody tatters. A few left over flames shriveled up dismantled grass and flowers. The Inquisition members were gathering in the middle of the garden, brushing off the last of dirt and debris. Solas and Dorian had grazes and bruises. Some, like Cole and Sera supported open wounds. I flourished my sword.

"I'll dream about this for the rest of my life" Varric grinned. I pressed my lips together.

_I highly doubt this is over. _

There was Alden still to come. He had the Carta at his disposal. There's a chance they could be dragged into this too, even if it was days from now. The Estate seemed a lot less intimidating now everyone was together.

"There's something oddly satisfying about brutally murdering Royans, if I do say so myself' Dorian smiled gleefully "It has a nice ring to it. It reminds me of the masquerade ball"

He chuckled.

"I hope none of you will delay" Solas smiled "This needs to be dealt with quickly"

Solas executed an elegant notion with his arms and light blue light spiraled around each tired body. I watched the wound across my legs close and the feeling return to them. It still smelt metallic, but the hot flesh smell was gone. I relaxed my shoulders, but kept my sword at the ready. Even if the pain was over, the battle wasn't.

There were hurried footsteps. We turned. Leliana came running from outside the premises. She had a bow and arrows strapped to her waist.

"A servant managed to sneak out." She heaved "I caught a glimpse of him from in my tree. I followed him. Alden does not live far from here. He is on his way now"

A mixture of anger, confusion and unease washed over the circle.

"He is angry, so frantic" Cole said, shaking "He cannot be rational like you or me. He is dangerous"

"There are more screwballs involved in this than balls to screw" The Iron Bull said, twirling his axe. I smiled but ignored him.

"What is the plan from here, Inquisitor?" I asked her. The petite, Dalish Inquisitor was wiping sweat off her brow, but she looked pleased "I harbor concern that Bogdan is still alive"

"What's his name is probably trying to make a hasty escape" Varric said darkly. He turned on his heel, but I grabbed his collar.

"No. Stay, Varric" I commanded. Varric glanced at me with a raised eyebrow, but stopped struggling. Everyone's eyes were on the Inquisitor. She looked at me, at Varric – then the glowing green orb in her palm, as though looking for inspiration.

"Cassandra's right – Bogdan is still a threat until we can find his body as confirmation. The majority should stay out here. If this Alden is on his way - I'm guessing that's not a good thing?"

"You haven't met a true psychopath until you've met him" Varric said. Many heads turned to Varric, including my own.

"What else do you know of Alden Davri?" Leliana inquired. Varric kept his face clear and determined.

"I met him _once_, twice maybe. Bianca never liked me going to her house, but I still went there if Alden was out. One time he caught us doing it … well, he never liked my family anyway"

Dorian started laughing. The Iron Bull grinned. I bit the inside of my jaw, trying not to react. Leliana looked puzzled.

"Surely you have more stimulating knowledge than _that?_"

"I have no doubt the thought of being barged in on was exciting, Leliana" Dorian teased. Varric didn't linger.

"He swung an axe at me, almost dislocated my shoulder. There was some half assed running involved. Bianca was furious"

"If he's that quick to judge we may not have much time" Dorian soothed. He waved a hand "Be off, lovebirds – or I'll kick you in there"

Leliana nodded and left – assumedly to reassemble herself in one of the trees outside the steel gates. I felt a quiet elation in my chest of being called a 'lovebird'. Yes, for now Varric didn't have Bianca… but we did have a lot of fighting to do. I turned back to toward the Estate.

"Whoever wants to see a pathetic man perish should come with me" I said calmly, that righteous power returning to my stride. "Varric?"

I turned to the side, but not quick enough. Varric was already sprinting toward the entrance of the building. I growled and ran after him.

"_Varric_!" I yelled. Beside the Inquisitor, it was difficult to say who had come with me at this stage.

"Is he always this enthusiastic?" she called, her feet pounding against the grass. No other footsteps could be heard.

"Only when I don't want him to be" I explained coldly.

"You must get along wonderfully then" she said.

I let out my annoyed noise. If I wasn't seeking out to murder Bodgan, Varric would have been next on my list.

* * *

><p>Dorian watched them go, still smiling. They were such silly rascals. The Iron Bull presented his axe.<p>

"Bogdan isn't popular" he said. There was some murmur of agreement.

"We have to plan a strategy. Unless we want to be taken down like the guards" Blackwell said. "Mages and archers in the back – everyone else, stand ready"

"You'd think Varric would want to kill Bianca's Daddy more than her fella" Sera taunted. She took out her bow and smirked at Dorian.

"I don't think so, Sera. Bogdan was spending _every night_ with Bianca –can you only _imagine_ the sweat drenched in their bed?" Dorian noted "_I'd_ want to kill him first"

"There are too many burned flowers" Cole murmured. He took out his daggers "We must save them before they're all gone"

Dorian and Solas looked at each other and shared a common understanding. They lifted their staffs into the air, concentration whole. The men performed the ritual they had done when they'd arrived. They twirled their weapons and a light blue light wafted out, forming a mist over the area. It sewed each gap together like a knitted scarf. The barriers would have to be more firmly fortified this time around. Sera was still laughing from Dorian's previous comment.

"Shut up, would you?" Dorian yelled "We need to be…"

Dorian jumped as a gold encrusted dagger went flying past his neck. He stared in front of him, met face to face with his attacker. Alden Davri waved.

"Hello Dorian. You're Halward Pavus's boy, aren't you? He's been an acquaintance of mine for a few years"

He promptly stepped to the side to dodge an arrow from Leliana's bow.

"Alden!" Dorian snarled. Yes, he recognized the smile ball now. He had helped his father make decisions regarding which merchants to trust, what materials went best with his father's humble weapon collection. Dorian remembered catching his eye when he was a mere lad of 15, trying to study rune symbols with Alexius. After wondering _'Could they talk in another room?'_ He distinctly remembered thinking – '_Lord, he's little. I didn't think dwarfs were so perplexing'_ – and the unspoken observation that he had dragon eyes. Alden's hair was thinner now, with perhaps more wrinkles around his eyes, but everything else was the same.

Anything related to Dorian's father sent him into an irrational temper. He shot a violet, black ball of lighting from his staff but Alden quickly blocked it with a bone colored axe way too big for him. It didn't just burst, Dorian noted, but ricochet off like it had been droplets of rain. It painfully refracted the sun rays and had gold, jagged teeth around the edges. Only white steel or volcanic aurum could deflect his lightning. Dorian realized they might have found Bianca's knowledge useful at this moment – why did the stunning Commander Cullen have to abduct her so quickly anyway?

Bianca's father was tall for dwarf standards – which still wasn't saying much compared to Dorian's height - and very thin. He had muscular arms which made him look lopsided. His armor was sheek black – it must be made of onyx. Dorian thought with disgust that he might have passed as a slave master in a naughty game. Alden scowled and lifted his hand. There was a boom like the crack of a whip. Leliana yelped.

"Leliana!" Solas called. A ball of healing energy flew in her direction. When Dorian peered back, Alden was gone.

"Where'd the crackle go?" Sera demanded. Dorian's pulse quickened.

_I wouldn't have picked Bianca for a mage…_ Dorian thought quickly, trying to see where the rascal had gone, and the origins of Alden's power dawned on him. _Manual: Bood Magic_ by the controversial Lady Aesthia Hale Myerscough could _easily_ be purchased at the City of Amaranthine. The directions were so obvious they might as well have been plastered on every wall in Tevinter. Since Alden knew his father – and Maker knew who else – it would probably have been as simple as strolling the market for sebago potatoes.

"He's a blood mage!" Dorian began, but the last of his words were cut short. A piercing agony ripped through the armour in his back and dented a large fissure in his back. He screamed.

_Alden must have found a new resting place for his axe,_ he grunted – moaning.

His knees trembled. In an act of desperation shot a blast of lightning from his staff. Never mind aiming. He wouldn't stand for loitering. Solas and Sera were quick to act too… a fire arrow went flying as well as ice. The result collided and instigated an explosion. It cast a wall of fire in front of Dorian's eyes.

When the smoke cleared, everyone spotted Alden. He was circling the garden, peering at the ground like he was avoiding cracks in a pavement. Dorian was stumbling.

"No need to point out what's apparent, Dorian" Alden smiled.

"Y-You…" Dorian moaned, one eye half shut from the pain.

"Stay still, Dorian" Solas cooed, and healing energies rid Dorian of his wound. At the same time…

"You're going down!" Sera screamed. Arrrows shot in Alden's direction. Blackwell, Cole and the Iron Bull raced toward him.

Alden raised his arms. The corpses on the ground were propelled into the air like marionettes. They worked more like a shield than the magical barrier. The arrows dug into the bodies, missing their target. The Iron Bull and Blackwell sliced through the corpses in an attempt to get to Alden. Sera tried to target Alden through the piles of bronze. Cole went 'Never mind' and ran straight up to him. Alden laughed.

The collision of axe and daggers was so violent that no word in the English language could describe it. Cole's feet skidded along the grass like he was trying to slow a horse. Dorian flinched at the sound and shot electricity at Alden. It worked! He was distracted just enough that Cole sliced his arms, spit flying. It damaged the armor just enough to draw blood. Dorian ran to meet The Iron Bull. The bodies were useless now. They could go in for the kill!

More bodies were propelled from further away and used to dismantle Sera. She squealed. Solas was closer to the door than anyone else. He slowed Alden's feet with ice. The last of congealed black and runny red blood was pouring from the lifeless bodies. With horror, the puddles of blood only formed white portals of light. Before Dorian, Blackwell or The Iron Bull could jump past, three fiery, hot Rage Demon's spouted from the ground. Clashing and banging sounds pound in the background.

"This is fun shit" The Iron Bull said

"Bloody hell!" Dorian exclaimed in unison. He recoiled and began spurting balls of magic towards them as quickly as his muscles would let him. In his peripheral vision, things were not looking well. Alden had managed to wipe Cole out cold. He could hear his moans from the ground.

"Demons, this is the Inquisition" Alden smiled pleasantly. He picked some arrows out from his armor and propelled them back where they'd come from, using his axe like a sporting racket. The Iron Bull blocked it with his much larger, silver axe – taking down one rage demon with a final swing. Blackwell had gotten to Alden now. Alden had used the blood from his own wounds to heal himself. Alden sparred with him as effortlessly as dancing. It was like his axe was a stiletto the way he could manoeuvre it so effortlessly. Alden crashed weapons with Blackwell, but he had a strong hand. Blackwell recoiled in the impact.

"If you tell me where Varric is…" Alden began. Blackwell was putting up a good fight. Dorian squinted as the Rage Demon exploded with licking flame. "I'll leave you unharmed"

Blackwell started to reply, but Dorian wouldn't let him.

"No blood mage fiend is getting Varric!" Dorian yelled. He ran at Alden, the Iron Bull close behind. Cole was getting to his feet as Solas healed him with short, interrupted bursts of light. This time something happened. Alden may have coated his weapon with elemental poison. He may have ripped a large hole in their armor, seeping its deadly trickle into their blood streams, but the three of their weapons combined managed to stop Alden's superlative axe in its tracks. Their boots dug into the ground as they held their position. Dorian glared at Alden's dragon eyes with his far more smoldering ones. Alden pushed the weapons off him just as Cole skidded ungracefully and wretched his daggers into Alden's back.

"YES!" Dorian yelled, jumping in triumph. The Iron Bull chuckled.

"About time our numbers make up for it"

A domino effect of awesomeness proceeded. Dorian could have thought it was his birthday. It was almost as satisfying as giving his father a much needed punch in the groin. As Alden guttered and Cole ripped out his weapon, Sera regained her stance. Three arrows pierced his Alden's damaged onyx. Solas had frozen his feet to the ground again. Blackwell grunted. He wielded his sword again, as The Iron Bull did with his axe. This time the blocking was far less efficient. Cuts appeared across Alden's torso. He never had much emotion, that one.

"You're going to need to apologize to Mister Tethras" Blackwell said.

"_He_ should apologize! _He_ should! For threatening my reputation!" Alden slated. His breathing had become raggedy. .

"No need for an ego trip, boss" The Iron Bull said.

Dorian shut Alden up with a chain of lightning, as the Iron Bull ripped a gaping hole in Alden's torso with his axe. He screamed. The pain made him drop his horrible weapon onto the ground.

_Flick, flick, flick…_

Sera was still pinning arrows into his back, as though turning him into a pin cushion. Cole kicked the back of Alden's knees. Solas levitated the shark-like axe and pulled it toward him. No he was completely helpless.

The bastard finally toppled over, twitching madly. With a more powerful spell than necessary, Dorian bound his arms down to the blood soaked grass. Mud caressed the onyx plates like weeds. Feet came running. The Inquisitor looked flustered.

"Did any of my arrows hit?" she asked, worried "I was shooting them like mad from over there"

"I don't think any of us were paying attention" Blackwell said begrudgingly. The Inquisitor sighed. She stepped over guts and dismembered body parts with a sick expression on her face.

"Did you get him?"

Sera and Cole stepped aside so the Inquisitor could get through.

"He's pretty much a goner" Sera said cheerfully. Cole was too busy staring to make any useful response.

A backfiring surge of energy was starting to disrupt Dorian's concentration. Alden was covered in blood – this only added to his pool of power. He gritted his teeth to endure.

Alden glared at the Inquisitor.

"I just want to talk to Varric" he said. The Inquisitor kicked him.

"Yeah, right! You'd decapitate him"

Alden's face shone with sweat. As blood poured out of him at a rate faster rate than he could heal, life was draining from his eyes. He was starting to look more and more like a cripple. Dorian thought this was how it should be. He was a meddling old turd, anyhow.

"Couldn't I speak to him… before I die?" he asked. The Inquisitor looked to every beaten face surrounding her. There was only one reasonable answer.

"I'll see if…" she began, and she looked over her head. Two silhouettes became visible back at the Estate entrance. One tall person, another short…

The Inquisitor ran back the other way.

"Varric! Cassandra!" she shouted, but they wouldn't have heard. She dashed like the world was catching fire, her bow knocking her backside as she ran.

_Hurry up, Inquisitor…_ Dorian thought readily. He caught eyes with Solas. They were both thinking the same thing.

Alden Davri was going to escape if he was not put to rest quick enough.

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><p><em>Authors notes:<em> OMG this chapter took forever. Fight scenes are so hard! Hope you liked it though :)

In response to RiverDarkness's review - I looked up whether Alden could be a blood mage. Apparently anyone has the potential to, since you can learn off a manual. You don't necessarily have to be connected to the Fade... which is why Dorian mentions it. I hope this sorts something out!


	29. Chapter 29

_Authors notes:_ Fun fact. I wrote this chapter _before_ the previous one. Please enjoy! Keep the reviews coming.

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><p>I ran after Varric, frantic.<p>

_I wish he would keep his temper under control_

The circumstances were too dire. Still, it wouldn't take long to catch him.

"Varric!" I yelled. The Inquisitor's voice was getting ever closer.

"Is he always this enthusiastic?" she called. I wrinkled my nose.

"Only when I don't want him to be"

The Inquisitor seemed to find this very amusing.

"You must get along wonderfully then" she grinned.

"Grrr!" I groaned. Varric will pay for his recklessness!

I caught up very quickly. For once I was grateful for being taller than Varric. One of my strides were equal to two of his. He slowed as we reached the door. The lock must have been damaged, because Varric opened it without problems. His face was steely, intense.

"You could have waited, Varric" I grumbled. Varric laughed.

"Ha! And let what's his name escape? In your dreams"

The heavy door gruelled open…

KABOOM

_Alden! _

I spun around. There was chaos happening back at the other end of the field. The after effects of an explosion were wafting into the air. The Inquisitor was peering with a hand blocking the sunlight. "Looks like Bianca's father has arrived" she said. She picked the crossbow off her back "Go on without me"

"Are you certain, Inquisitor? I do not desire to enter outnumbered" I asked her. The Inquisitor kept her eyes on the battlefield. I tried to see over her – there was a lot of fire getting thrown around, not to mention the clashing of swords.

"I get the impression Alden has more than a weapon at his disposal" the Inquisitor said slowly. She started to leave "I need to help"

"Wait" I began. The Inquisitor paused.

"Yes, Cassandra?" she smiled. I pulled on the handle to encourage the door to close. There was now a slit between us and her.

"Guard the door" I advised her. The Inquisitor cocked an arrow and drew it back.

"I suppose I can _try_ shoot him from here" she sighed, aiming with squinty eyes. She let go of the arrow. It flung into the distance in silence. There was no telling whether it hit anything "Get back if things go wrong"

I nodded and let go of the door handle. It banged. It was silent once more, eerily so. I ran up to Varric's side. He was kicking the deceased bodies of the guards as he passed. He had resumed a steady walk. His breathing had turned to normal, but there was no joking glint in his eyes.

"They won't tell you where he is if you kick them, Varric" I told him. Varric didn't care.

"It'll help me concentrate when what's his name appears. I won't accidentally miss or spit on him"

As we distanced ourselves from the scene, it became clear to me that there was more than the guard's blood on the ground. Small droplets of blood trailed out into one of the other corridors. I remembered the incision I'd made in Bogdan's torso and considered we might have a lead.

"This way" I told Varric, and we followed the trail of blood.

We stepped in silence. Part of me wanted to talk about Bianca, but this was a terrible time to get distracted. I pushed it to the back of my mind.

_Cullen's right. We'll all be able to sort out our differences at Skyhold. _

Even with my mind determined to end this fight, I couldn't help noticing the strong, bulky muscles in Varric's arms – the defined curvature of his biceps, the slight tan to his skin, how the veins popped from his hands, clutching crossbow Bianca. His jaw was clenched in an intensity I had never seen. His footsteps echoed lifelessly. I tried to ignore the gentle pulsation between my thighs as it expanded to my collarbone and neck. It was a terrible time to want him.

"Well… that's a Royan pain the ass" Varric murmured. I didn't chuckle at the joke. I refocused my gaze at my feet. The blood trail had disappeared.

"Maybe he cleaned it up" I noted "He could have used his torn clothes as a bandage"

"I wish he was stupider" Varric said, arms crossed "Maker knows I love an easy, thoughtless enemy"

It happened way too fast. There was a hiss in the air and a piercing pain groaned in sides of my lower back.

"ARGH!" I yelped.

_Bogdan!_

I spun around, trying to ignore the feeling of blood seep into my clothing and dampen my armor. He had gotten the weak spot. The pain was enough to destroy my concentration. I ducked, as two more daggers narrowly missed my head. Varric had already pre-amped his crossbow. The familiar rapid clanging entered my ears. I saw for a split second, taking in the scene as quick as possible. It echoed a lot less in this corridor.

"You couldn't even greet us with 'hello', could you?" Varric shouted.

_Where the hell is that bastard?_ I hissed through gritted teeth.

"Why would I when killing you is quicker?" came the rough voice.

There! Bogdan was standing at the other end of the corridor. I was right. He had used his clothing as a bandage. The good thing about this is he didn't have much armor. If he owned any he hadn't saw fit to grab them. He had taken some left over's from the guards – bronze boots, a chest plate and helmet grazed our presence. The only remaining recognizable feature was his height. He had a dagger in his teeth, and another few in his hands. Decorations must provide a use, after all.

I ran toward him, sword ready to strike. Varric's footsteps could be heard too. He must be trying to reposition himself so he wouldn't shoot me by accident. My stomach lurched as I avoided another dagger.

Was Varric safe? Was he going to dodge the daggers too?

_No, Cassandra_. _Stop worrying about Varric_ I reminded myself – _destroy the enemy first._

I sliced at Bogdan and he blocked it with two of the daggers. So he was going to use this tactic again. I recoiled and thrashed again. I alluded to the fact I'd hit his head, and then changed to just above the knees. I got him! Bogdan yelped and withdrew the dagger from his mouth, dropping his other weapons on the floor in surprise. His lips were bleeding. It made his teeth look horrendous.

"It's nice to see Varric get a taste of somebody else" Bogdan smiled "Tell me, is he good at what he does?"

"He's mountains better than you" I spat. I lashed again – but aimed for his belly. Bogdan blocked at the side, but this position wasn't great for his bio-mechanics. His arms shook. Arrows struck Bogdan's legs. I parried my strike away, just as I saw Varric over Bogdan's shoulder. His expression was murderous. He shot three arrows into Bogdan's back.

Bogdan was too fast. Bogdan had seen where I had been looking. He ducked down and only one arrow hit him. He tossed the dagger at Varric, who used crossbow Bianca to block it. It cluttered to the ground. Bogdan didn't hesitate. He picked up the other two. Varric, shot another arrow from his crossbow. It hit Bogdan's shoulder plate and bounced off. There was enough of a pause I took my chance.

"YAAAAHH!" I screamed. I ignored the pain in my back. I wrenched my sword across my body with all the force I could manage. Bogdan's reaction time wasn't fast enough to avoid it. I sliced a thick gash across the side of his torso – the side that wasn't already damaged. Blood poured instantly from the wound like a waterfall. It smelled unpleasant. Bogdan yelled. Gathering the last of his resolve he tossed the daggers in Varric's direction. Varric was either so impressed or so taken aback he wasn't able to block it in time. One hit the wall, the other dug into his chest. Varric groaned. It happened too fast. Bogdan's hands flew to the wound site. He glared at me.

"You fucking bitch!" he screamed, but I didn't back down. I hit him again, across the forearm this time. I saw with a sadist satisfaction as his blood vessels started to splinter. Blood drenched my sword. Bogdan screeched.

_Clunk, clunk, clunk…_

Three, no – four arrows found a happy home in Bogdan's back, not unlike my own injuries. Tears fell down Bogdan's face. Black crusty lesions were now solidifying around his mouth. Bogdan feet sprawled. I made another cut to Bogdan's shoulder and, while he started to crumple over, ripped the helmet from his head.

Clang!

I bashed his head with the bronze clump before tossing it aside. Bogdan's emotions vanished. He was silenced. His tired body sprawled on the ground with a slosh. If there wasn't so much to do, I would have ran to Varric's side. I knew by the pained look in his eyes that he would have done the same. Blood had dyed over what remained of his armor.

Varric knew better. He had waited for this moment. Screwing up his face, he tore the dagger from his torso and threw it square in the back of Bogdan's head. His skill with daggers had not disappeared even after all these years. He seemed proud he'd learned in the first place.

_That must be it_, I thought, too overcome with adrenaline to speak. I bent down and checked Bogdan's pulse. Nothing.

"The Maker has taken him" I advised him.

Relief washed over Varric's face. He suddenly looked very tired. He ran to my side.

"Are you alright, Seeker?" Varric asked, peering at the daggers in my back. I paused. Bogdan was most certainly dead. The last of the blood was easing from his many wounds, tainting the spotless carpet. He hardly looked like a husband anymore, much less a dwarf.

It was bizarre to be here with Varric like this. My breathing was still regulating itself.

'I know you're not" I said softly, peering at Varric's gorgeous eyes "We need to leave, though"

I grabbed a handful of what was left of Bodgan's robes and tore it. I lift it, eyes steely.

"Where did he get you?" I asked "There's no point going back outside until we're fit and able"

Varric lift up his arm, exposing the round puncture wound which was from the dagger. Fresh blood soaked the weak point in his armour.

"See, this is why I need your brain, Cassandra" He grinned.

We were stupid for not getting our own armour from Skyhold – instead we rushed and borrowed other soldier's. The plates didn't cover as much as it should have. I ripped off a bunch of fabric and pressed it against the wound. I then wrapped the substitute bandage around Varric and tied a knot around the end. I ripped off some more robes and repeated the action.

"It isn't perfect, but it will hold" I said. There were more, smaller incisions on Varric, but we had no time to do everything now. The bruises would also have to stay. Varric tapped my arm.

"Turn, and I'll do you"

I did. The daggers had already partially fallen out in the impact of our fight, but the last yank was sharp and debilitating. I moaned as a repressed tear fell down my cheek. Varric ripped off robe segments and create a bunch of fabric as warm wetness came over my armor. When he had tied the second knot, he planted a kiss on my armour.

"Time to go kill that Alden bastard, I suppose" he said wearily.

I got on my feet, and watched as Varric wiped some blood stains off his crossbow, then conceded it to his clothes. This Bianca was unharmed, shining as though she was brand new. That weapon… it had been his only comfort for so long. It's sleek, thick handles… the thin arrows so perfectly packed inside. Crossbow Bianca was Varric Tethras's constant reminder of his mistakes and triumphs. The adulated statue of guilt and sorrow: a notice that the _real_ Bianca Davri was out there, somewhere, pining for him too. That is, until he had kissed me, Cassandra Pentaghast, that fateful, very embarrassing evening in the dance hall. How did I fit into the picture? Even now… after we'd shared kisses, embraces, and Varric had taken my virginity to a peaceful place, I did not know.

_What does this mean?_

We began to make the trip back outside. Slowly, like tip toeing in the middle of the night.

My heart pounded. It hadn't stabilized for long. It must feel illusory to be finally wiping Bogdan's blood after all this time, so many years of waiting and agonizing. I wondered if Varric would feel his purpose in his life had been lost. Where would he go after keeping this goal in the back burner for over four years? I wanted to comfort Varric. I wanted to help him scrub the dirt from his fingers and distance him from over a decade of suffering. If I could hold him, make him remember what most humans felt like – well, as close of an imitation as I could give. Love could be a kind and treasurable virtue, after all. I hoped Varric understood that.

A lump appeared in my throat. I had more than that - additional feelings. I shared greater woes than a selfless desire to embrace him and ease his troubles. It was the thought I had pushed from my soul, always beaten down with my pride and illustriousness. All those times I was mad at him because of _her_. Finally, I verbalized it with unsurpassed certainty in my head. It was a painful realization.

_I want Varric to love me back. _

I wished _I _could be the crossbow cradled beneath his nails, giving him the security no one else could. I cleared my throat, finding my voice. I realized I had no wish to hold back my emotions anymore. This couldn't wait until Skyhold. I gulped steadily. My heart let lose.

"Do you love me…" I asked him, and my voice faltered "more than Bianca?"

It reverberated inertly, and for a moment I wondered if I was in the Fade again, falling prey to Corypheus's terrors. There were paintings along this corridor – vast landscapes of what looked like the Emerald Graves. What did Bogdan find interesting about trees, I wonder? Freedom?

Varric didn't stop walking, but he did sound deeper in his voice. This was a question he'd been waiting for a long time, I noticed.

"As soon as I figure that out, I _will_ tell you, Cassandra"

He didn't sound surprised or nervous. There was a kind simplicity in his tone. For once I was able to appreciate the rich mariana blue of the walls and the black lace-like web of paint. It was like the worries of a poet, the sorrows of a dying man. Varric had never seemed more wise, a juxtaposition against these colours. They somehow reflected a rumble deep within: the echo of empty spaces, the signature at the back of his books – reminding the reader of the end. It filed in what I couldn't see on his face, for I was only met with the back of his head.

"I understand, Varric" I replied simply.

I never thought uncertainty would make me want to cry so much. It dawned on me how stressed I had been about Bianca – how badly I wanted to strike her down like I had Bogdan – violently and without reluctance. I was a selfish person. I wanted my love story too… I almost wished Bianca hadn't been rescued at all. But beyond my selfish barrier I knew why I'd done it. Varric couldn't even consider picking me until Bianca had been freed. Maybe soon he'd be able to decide… when we got back home.

I walked faster to meet him "Let's end this gruesome insanity"

* * *

><p>When the gardens returned, the sun had begun to set. The rays of the sun were not as blinding. In fact, it gave a pleasant crisp to the air. A lot more blood was spread on the grass than before. The Inquisitor ran toward us from the middle of the garden. Her hurried feet were the only sounds available to me. There were no explosions or clashing of swords. Something must have happened.<p>

"Cassandra, Varric …" she panted, her hands resting on her knees. She hardly looked scratched "We've incapacitated him… b-but he says… he wants to speak to Varric – as goodbye"

"What?" Varric asked confused. I ignored him. I rushed forward.

"Let's go, Varric"

_Alden better have an essay planned out,_ I thought bitterly.

As we approached, it was clear what had occurred. Alden had brought a lot more than one axe along. Daggers of multiple sizes were strewn on the ground. Blackwell caught my eye with his emotionless glare, Sera was sitting down impatiently. Cole had pinned Alden's hands down with daggers. Blood was over the pavement. Burns, both from fire and ice grazed Alden's arms. His face had a blood nose, a black eye. There were a number of bloody wounds, not unlike Bogdan. The Inquisition must have trampled him. The Iron Bull had been sitting on his stomach, more for show than anything else. The mages Dorian and Solas had their arms out in front, as though weaving a giant tapestry. They were pining Alden down with magic. They had sweat down the sides of their faces. They must have held this position for a while. Alden gave a weak laugh as we reached the middle of the circle.

"I knew you couldn't resist a pair of long, lanky _human_ legs, Varric" he chortled. Varric stormed forward. The Iron Bull moved hastily out of the way, so Varric was able to push his foot on Alden's stomach. I followed cautiously behind and I got a full view of Alden's body. He was tall by dwarf standards and incredibly thin. His arms were muscly, but the rest of his body barely matched it. It looked abnormal. He had shoulder length silver hair and piercing blue eyes – like a lizard or monster. His black armor was beaten up. Did Varric see Alden when he looked at Bianca? Hopefully his resolve was stronger than this.

"Bianca's my whole life!" Varric shouted "I've been ready to kill you before I even met you!"

"Finally something we have in common, Tethras" Alden smiled "You should have said something when I walked in on you and Bianca…"

Varric cocked crossbow Bianca and pointed it at Alden's eyes.

"I'm going _to fucking kill you_!" he screamed, and no one had seen Varric look more insane "You have _no_ redeeming qualities, you worthless piece of shit!"

"Varric, settle down" I said, and I stabbed Alden's leg with my sword. He didn't even flinch. He must be close to the end. "What did you want to speak to him about?"

"Hurry up, Cassandra" Dorian breathed "I can't hold him for long. He's well versed in blood magic"

_Blood magic? _

I caught Leliana's eye and she nodded vigorously. So one of the rumours was true… How many more were? I saw Alden's mouth move slowly into a cackle.

"Don't you want to know what _really_ happened to your father?" he asked. His face was blank now. I ignored Varric's widening eyes. I saw Dorian and Solas moan under strain. They were about to lose hold on him.

_We have to kill him_, I thought… _we can't let him break free._

I ripped out my sword from Alden's leg and stepped over to where Varric was, placing a boot on his stomach. I lift my sword over my head. These sorts of moments are what I had trained to grasp my whole life. Seekers had to push on, despite emotional pulls. I heard Varric's anguished yell in my ear. My heart broke as he did, half breaking my concentration.

_Varric, I wish I could reason with you. _

"What are you _doing_, Cassandra?!" he demanded. I glanced at him at the corner of my eye, seeing at last his resolve. His face was contorted in rage "Don't you want to know why he did this too!? Are we not in this together? Or did I trust your judgement for no reason?"

_Was 'this' Bianca, or the concerns with your family? _

I pulled my eyes away from Varric. There were more important tasks at hand.

_Is it really worth risking your life? My life? Is it worth continuing this cycle of pain?_

I remembered Leliana's inquiring eyes at breakfast many days previously. She had been confused as to why the reason for Alden's hatred was not obvious. I remembered words from the conversation as though it had happened seconds before. It was highly saturated, louder.

_It was very unclear, even when consulting Bartrand. He knows no better than the city dwellers. He recalled his father saying when he was small 'Do not worry yourself with the qualms of fools. Focus on your own happiness', which implies Alden might be a simple bully. But these things are never simple, are they? _

Indeed. Were they?

I bored into Alden's blue eyes. This was the man that had cost an entire House their happiness. It went beyond one generation of dwarfs – this romantic pairing between hating families. Varric had suffered for it, never known his homeland. His family were forced to live upside. The reigns of control had a tight hold on the Tethras's… all because of this madman with an unusually well-crafted axe. Alden pursued them for his own selfish needs. Leliana had never failed to uncover information before. Alden must have a deranged grandeur about him. I had encountered fools like him before, Seeker Lucius being the most recent. It wasn't about the rumours, but the psychopathic simplicity of the subject. Leliana's voice returned to reaffirm my suspicions.

_The reason there is so much misinformation is because he refuses to speak of it. It has been this way always. _

Even if Alden spoke, wouldn't he be likely to lie?

I glanced at Dorian – at the pained look in his eyes… I knew I was doing the right thing, even if Varric might hate me to do it. I was going to follow Andvar's wisdom – I needed to focus on my own happiness, and that included Varric's too. Alden was a fool not to be reckoned with.

_There is no reason, Varric. He is merely egotistical, possesive and narcissistic._

This is what I wished to tell him, but I moved too fast. The sword plummeted down with an colossal roar. The sound was muffled by Alden's scream. Alden's innards were speared, and I made sure to create a nice, large hole in his stomach. Blood squirted over my sword, my hands, my face. My heart thumped as I looked at Alden's face. His skin was pale, eyes empty. There was nothing more that needed destroying.

I heard Dorian sigh behind me.

"Good going, Cassandra!" he called happily. There was a cheer from around the circle.

"About time that's over" Sera said annoyed.

"The anger… it's isn't gone" Cole said shakily.

_Isn't gone?_ I thought, _What?_

For once I considered Cole's opinion with much care. What was he talking about?

"I could have done that if that's all you were going to do" the Iron Bull said "Spear him with his own axe"

I didn't care that the Inquisition was happy. I only wanted Varric's reaction. I turned to him, praying for a miracle. But there was no hope, no loophole. Varric was breathing like a mass murderer would after his homicide. There was a chain of obtuse clanging. Eyebrows furrowed, he shot the crossbow Bianca at Alen – spurred arrow after arrow all over his body. The damage was more than necessary since he was already dead. It was in far too close range. Varric almost got catapulted off his feet. He screamed unintelligibly. The torture in his spirit became clear to the world. The Inquisitor stepped forward. She tried to grab his shoulders.

"Stop! Varric – it's over! You don't have to do that"

"I do!" Varric shouted "I waited too long for it to be over in _two single seconds_!"

The Inquisitor looked like she wanted to blame me, but she kept quiet about it.

I stepped away from Alden's body as Varric seemed to purge crossbow Bianca of all her arrows. _She_ had waited for this for as long as he had. I crouched down and picked at a lose flower petal on the ground, wishing I didn't have to listen to him. this flower was how I felt – abandoned and underappreciated. Others seemed to agree.

"You can't fix it, lad" Blackwell shouted. Solas sighed. He seemed to have the same opinion as I did.

"You must let him stay with his emotion" Solas explained "it's the only way he can be freed of it"

Sera was staring at him with bulging eyes. Cole had covered his. He was whimpering. Everyone else was in shock.

I was grateful Varric hadn't started attacking me with his arrows, but he might as well have for all the unhappiness I felt. There was no way he was going to be able to murder both _his_ enemies, even if he had wished it. Why else did he need help? He was a dwarf. He may be strong, but he could no better destroy Bogdan and Alden without growing an extra three pairs of arms. He must have known it wasn't my fault. Fifteen years of grief was bursting from his body. I heard the crunching of bones as Varric bashed Alden with his crossbow, like trying to flatten out a snake. His body was probably a pile of blood by now.

"Die! Die! Die!" he yelled, over and over. I hugged my knees and buried my face on them. Hopefully Varric would return to his old self afterwards. Hopefully.

The Inquisitor placed a hand on my head. It was as though she questioned his sanity too.


	30. Chapter 30

"I strongly advise we leave _before_ we're arrested, Inquisitor" Dorian warned. The Inquisitor nodded. She was collecting Alden's old weapons – they were too valuable to go to waste. She nodded.

"We'll be off right away"

I stood up, trying to ease the dizziness in my head. Solas was healing the last of everyone's wounds. I saw Leliana marching toward us. She had a cut across her face, but horses the Inquisition had used to arrive were right behind her. Josephine poked her head out from the gates too. She had been keeping an eye on them, troubled. She rushed over. Sera, Cole and the Iron Bull started to mantle into saddles.

"Did it go according to plan?" she ushered, eyes worried. Solas nodded.

"Both men have been accounted for. Miss Bianca should have little threat left"

"There _is_ still the Carta" I noted. Leliana had overheard the conversation. She was transferring weapons from the Inquisitor into one of the carry bags on the horses.

"It is likely the Carta will hear of this" she said "But the reaction will be sternly delayed. I'm sure my men can handle it themselves. They have done so before"

"That would be great, Leliana" the Inquisitor heaved. She looked ready to faint. If I was being honest, I did too. I turned to Alden's body, to Varric. Varric had stopped screaming, but he looked emotionally numb again. What sort of storm was brewing inside? I walked over, trying not to look at Alden as to not trigger memories of Anthony. Varric was holding his crossbow, as if it was his only remaining connection to the real world.

"Do you wish to speak to me, Varric?" I said softly. I secretly hoped he would, but there was no telling how his angry outburst had skewed his opinion of me. He mouth opened. No sound came out for a second.

"Is it time to go home, Seeker?" he asked.

I crouched down on my knees and cautiously rubbed a hand over his back.

"Yes" I replied. Varric's lip trembled. He buried his face in his knees.

"Shit, I feel like I'll never be normal again" he said. He refused to move from his spot. I rest my hand on his shoulder.

"You may never do"

I thought there was no point masking the truth. He would find out eventually anyway. Varric let out audible sobs. I noticed Josephine seemed alarmed by this. After all, no one had ever heard nor seen Varric cry. She reached my side.

"I can see you are in immense emotional peril, Varric" she began "but we must move at once. The citizens of Val Royeaux do not respond politely to open, violent displays. Secrecy is more their preference"

I sighed. Varric stayed where he was. There was only one solution to this.

"Go on ahead without us, Josephine. We will catch up in due course"

Josephine walked away. This was not the time to be leisurely.

"If so, you must do so quickly"

"Yes. We will" I promised her. Josephine left. The rest of the Inquisition were on horseback now. The Inquisitor waved.

"Will you be alright, Cassandra?" she asked me. I nodded.

"We will not stay for long"

There was the last of goodbyes, and the horses vanished into the sunset. I had no idea what to do with Varric. If we were in Skyhold, we could talk to our hearts content, but we were not. I pulled Varric's arm and tried to force him to his feet. Varric pulled away.

"Not now, Cassandra" he murmured. My eyes narrowed.

"You have to. We cannot delay, Varric" I insisted. Varric shrugged.

"I don't care. The Carta can kill me. It's what should have happened years ago. Just like Alden wanted"

"Don't be so stupid!" I spat. I decided to take a leaf out of Cullen's book. I dragged Varric along the ground by the collar.

"Let go of me, Seeker! What is your problem?!"

"You know what my problem is!"

Varric struggled, but I had done this before. I hit him over the head with the hilt of my sword. With a thump, the light left his eyes. If he had recuperated brain damage, it would make no difference now. I stormed over to the white horse, mildly enjoying pulling Varric along the ground again.

Ellessar galloped into the night. I didn't feel guilty as Varric's head lolled lifelessly in front of me. Sometimes, drastic measures were necessary…. even if I loved the victim. My stomach growled, but I ignored it.

* * *

><p>Cullen kicked out the last of the embers with his armoured boot. He was mildly annoyed at himself for not pushing through the night, but Bianca had gotten restless, and he admitted he wasn't up to snuff with his Lyrium withdrawal kicking in too. He tried to block out the screams of his friends – the feeling of being trapped. He was out in the open air. The walls in his head were an illusion. The surrounding pines were thick and covered in snow. Skyhold wouldn't be far. He suspected a few hours at most.<p>

Bianca sighed loudly. There had only been one sleeping bag attached to his horse, and Cullen thought it ridiculous to not let Bianca have it. They had eaten what was left of the bread – they wouldn't get any breakfast tomorrow. Cullen jumped when he saw her staring at him.

"S-Sweet Maker, Bianca!" he rubbed his temples "You gave me a fright"

"It wasn't just Varric who thought I looked scary then" Bianca laughed. Cullen calmed down.

"I thought you were asleep" he admitted. Bianca shook her head.

"After you came to visit me my nightmares got so much worse." She explained "I thought if I worked in the evening it wouldn't be so bad – maybe the tiredness would help - but it doesn't."

"Sometimes there is no way to ease the terrors" Cullen agreed. He rest his hands on his knees "It must be awful"

"Not much worse than yours, I'm sure" Bianca smiled. Cullen couldn't smile back. He remembered what Cassandra had told him about preserving Bianca's sanity, and thought it better to be silent. Bianca did not agree.

"Does it help your withdrawal to talk about things?" she asked "I'd considered purchasing a potion when they started, but apparently the side effects are the devil's work"

Cullen hesitated. Talking about coping strategies couldn't be a loss, could it?

"It helps to speak of it once the moment is _over_" he mentioned "but if I am having flashbacks, nothing helps… no nice words, not even wine"

"That bad, huh?" Bianca said. Cullen nodded. He listened to the last of the charred wood melt the snow with interest. How he wished he could sleep… but he must be vigilant in case some madman decided to take a midnight stroll.

"Do you think I could talk about the nightmares with you?" Bianca asked. Cullen shivered, but it was more from nerves than the cold.

"I'm not sure, Bianca" he said "My job is to bring you back to Skyhold and nothing else"

"You talked to me before!" Bianca protested, bringing Cullen's weary mind back to the numbing journey on horseback. He peered at the horse lying in the snow - September - he thought it was, and pondered. She wasn't entirely wrong. It _might_ help her. The Inquisitor had always been empathetic of his night terrors. He found it less bothersome to sleep knowing another knew of his sorrows. Perhaps the same applied here.

He realized it would be helpful to gather more information on why Bianca's wellbeing was of the essence. Did it go beyond normal carefulness? Was there some information he was missing?

Cullen bit his tongue by accident trying to form words.

"Before I went to visit you in Val Royeaux Cassandra told me to be sensitive to your mental disposition" he explained "Can you think of any reason of why her request would be anomalous?"

"No" Bianca said slowly "Varric seems overly protective of me, but even _you_ thought that was normal"

_Yes, I did_ Cullen remembered. Varric was probably protective of Bianca because they had been separated for such a long time. There was a possibility he was overthinking it. For that reason, he pressed onward.

"If you would like to explain, go ahead" he said "but you must tell me if you feel uncomfortable"

"Sure!" Bianca smiled. Cullen got up on his feet and repositioned himself so he was right next to the sleeping bag, looking into Bianca's eyes. She was far more attractive now she wasn't crying, especially with her housewife look. He hoped her nightmares weren't any more terrible than his. Bianca took a deep breath.

"Years ago before I got married Varric and I met up in Darktown, somewhere gross near the sewers" she explained. Cullen nodded.

"I see – nothing like a sewer to keep you away from trouble"

Bianca giggled "We were talking for a bit, hugging… you know… dirty things"

Cullen blushed "I- I see. Go on"

_This doesn't seem like a nightmare so far,_ he thought incredulously. Maybe there was something off about this scenario after all.

_No, you can't know that yet. _

"Some Carta guys found us. The nightmare skips a bit. I remember seeing my hair all over the pavement"

"B-Bianca" Cullen started, alarmed. Bianca looked bewildered.

"What is it, handsome Commander?" she jeered. Cullen pressed some muscles in his face with his fingers – they were starting to hurt.

"Are you recounting a _memory_ to me, Bianca?" he asked "Did… is this something that really happened to you?"

Bianca nodded "Yeah, so what? Dreams do that all the time"

Cullen leaned back onto his hands. This was not good. Terrible, in fact. The cold of the ice helped ground his nervousness somehow.

"I don't think you should continue with your story" he said finally. Bianca was furious.

"What? Why not?"

"Trust me, Bianca, I have experienced something uncannily similar" Cullen leaned forward and almost knocked into Bianca's face with his own. "Please understand – I mean no detriment - If this actually happened to you there's a chance there are… parts missing"

Bianca's eyebrows jumped "What do you mean? Like an arrow missing from a crossbow?"

"Exactly that!"

He was pleased Bianca understood with her comparison. Her eyes glazed over. She peered at the stones in the ground.

"I don't think so… Varric would have told me if there was" Bianca said slowly. Cullen's heart raced.

"Are you saying there _are_ parts missing?" he breathed. Bianca was gazing at the snow now.

"No. I was knocked out. That's why I can't remember. I wasn't even conscious"

Cullen bit his lip. He knew he should be quiet, but he cared for Bianca and he could not squash his own curiosity.

"Is that what an onlooker told you… or Varric?" he said carefully. Bianca wasn't phased.

"Varric, but you don't understand. It was a huge ordeal. The worst ever. He couldn't have lied to me. It was too important to lie about"

_Perhaps that's why he did lie,_ Cullen thought. He let out a heavy breath and crossed his legs.

"How about I sing you a lullaby? That used to help my brother sleep"

Bianca forgot about her nightmare for a moment "You? Sing?"

"I would for a friend" Cullen smiled. Bianca smiled, amused at the thought.

"Will the lullaby be called 'Why I'm terrible at changing the subject'?"

Cullen clenched his fists in exasperation.

"Bianca…" he moaned. Bianca's eyes narrowed.

"You think Varric lied to me, didn't you?"

"I didn't say that" Cullen said quickly.

"But you thought it! I can see… you are horrible"

Cullen brought his face to his hands.

"I don't get it. Do you really think he would?" Bianca said softly. Her voice was fearful now "What could be motivating factor?"

Cullen took a long time to compose himself. He wished he could bury his mind in the snow, but it was impossible. This wasn't a conversation he was able to avoid.

"There are some memories that are better left in the dark" he said quietly "And that is all I will say on the subject"

Bianca had lost it. She yelled "B-b-but I don't want more _lying_!"

"We don't know he did, Bianca. I wouldn't jump to conclusions"

"But he did. He must have. Why else are you so scared to talk to me now!?"

"Shhh…"

Cullen put a hand on her torso, trying to comfort her in some way. It felt like he was back at Bogdan's estate again.

"It is not worth worrying about" he said calmly. Bianca punched Cullen in the leg.

"But it is!" she protested, tears filing her eyes again. "_I can't sleep_! How can I _ever_ sleep like this?"

Cullen started to lightly brush her torso through the sleeping bag.

"Have you consulted a healer about this?" he asked "Perhaps getting professional help would be best. I'm certain there are some good ones still around"

"What if it gets worse?" Bianca hurried "What if I'm already too broken?"

Cullen laughed "Don't be silly, girl. I'm far more broken than you"

Bianca settled "I guess I can try. Still, I'm in no better place than I was before. What am I going to do?"

Cullen hesitated. He turned a little pink "Would a hug be good enough?"

A sneaky smile formed on Bianca's mouth "It would be very unethical of a Commander to hug someone while he's still on duty"

Cullen smiled and rolled his eyes at the same time.

"Fine – you've forced me to take drastic measures, Madam Davri"

He removed his armour, piece by piece, and put it to the side. What was left was a very simple arrange of things. Cullen shivered. He held out a hand.

"You can hug me like this then" he said finally. Bianca sniggered.

"Don't be like that! Join me"

Bianca sat up and unzipped part of the sleeping bag. Cullen hesitated.

"It… It would be _warmer_ under there" he admitted, teeth chattering. Bianca rustled so she was now lying on the grass – most of the snow had melted, and used the sleeping bag like a blanket.

"Don't be shy, Commander" she teased.

Cullen didn't know how to respond to her comment, so simply hurried underneath the sleeping bag with her. Already it felt warmer than his armour. Bianca sounded calmer now.

"C-Can you hold on to me… like I did for you on the trip here?" she said nervously. She turned on her side so Cullen was staring at her back. Cullen blushed.

"I-If that will help"

Very slowly, Cullen turned sideways and wrapped his arms around Bianca's waist. She was tiny, so very little – but warm too. He recoiled when Bianca pushed her behind into his crotch.

"B-Bianca!" he blurted out.

"S-Sorry" she moved back to her original place. Cullen's tummy was pressed against Bianca's back, but that was as far as they went. He closed his eyes as Bianca murmured.

"Force of habit"

_Her husband… he must have held her like this. _

"I'm sorry if it holds bad memories for you" he said slowly. Bianca shook her head. She sounded… happy.

"Not him. Varric always held me like this. It was my favourite type of cuddle. I'm glad my husband didn't ruin that for me"

"Yes" Cullen wasn't sure how to answer "I'm sure he ruined plenty of other… things"

"He never hugged me like this, not once. There are times when I asked, but he never did. He sleeps on his back or his stomach – this felt _unnatural_, he said. I'm glad he stayed away… but I always felt a little sad inside too"

Her voice guttered and Cullen heard tears… the fifty billionth lot of them today. He awkwardly caressed her stomach.

"D-did it make you realize… that Varric was gone?" Cullen asked her. Bianca shuddered. She gripped onto Cullen's hands and almost crushed them with her grip.

"Not just that" she uttered between sobs "It made me terrified… absolutely fucking terrified"

"Of what?" Cullen asked softly. It was kind of like being with the Inquisitor talking like this.

"That…" Bianca took in a shuddering breath "That I'd never be held like that ever again"

Sadness panged his heart at Cullen understood what Bianca was saying. For four and a bit years she had been petrified that Varric was never coming back. He may as well had been dead to her. He imagined that is how it felt… like death.

"I'm sorry!" Bianca cried.

"Shhh…" Cullen hushed her. In his sympathy, he forgot about the Inquisitor. He scooted himself forward so his body pressed against hers… he felt Bianca scoop one of his legs between her own. He smelled her hair. She carried the scent of roses.

_I bet you're Varric's' little flower', aren't you?_

He shocked himself for a second – no, he had to root for Cassandra!

_Snap out of it, Commander_ – he ordered himself. He calmed down. It didn't matter who rooted for whom. It wouldn't influence Varric's decision. It was completely out of anyone's control.

He lost all words at that moment. He was too fascinated by Bianca and Varric's relationship – after all the time he'd encountered Varric he had never bothered to ask. He wondered if Varric would share stories about her now. Maybe… he would get lucky.

Bianca was purging herself of four years of pain. Cullen simply held her while she wept, very glad that they were both warm and safe. After a good, long while – Cullen didn't dare guess – her tears started to fade.

"Varric, I miss you" she murmured under her breath. Cullen didn't tell her he could hear. "I – wish you'd fought harder for me"

* * *

><p>Cullen withdrew from the sleeping bag after Bianca had fallen asleep. He felt proud of himself – it was nice when his ventures out of his comfort zone didn't end in ruin. He put on his armor slowly, as though waking from a long dream. He hadn't slept a wink, but he had rest his eyes. It almost had the safe effect.<p>

He grabbed some of the burned wood in his hands. It was cold. It was going to be a little while until he could rest properly. It was incredibly frustrating.

He was foolish to think the night was over. After he sung The Dawn will Come to himself for the second time through, there was howling from the sleeping bag. Bianca was doing more than crying - she was in a panic.

"Bianca! Was it a nightmare?" Cullen rushed over. He put a hand on Bianca's shoulder. She lashed at him.

"Get off me!" she screamed. Cullen pulled away immediately. There was something extremely off about her. Bianca was long gone. She was in her own world. Cullen recognized the pale, empty look in her eyes. Her skin was icy cold.

_She's having a flashback._ He realized.

\Cullen felt sick to his stomach. Did _he_ trigger this? What on earth was it about?

Bianca continued to thrash around on the ground.

"Get away! Don't do that! Stop! Help me – "

"Bianca, you have to fight it!" Cullen yelled, but he knew it was pointless He was too afraid to hold her. "Stay here… you're with me!"

Cullen blocked his ears. He watched with horror as Bianca's mouth continued to move. He closed his eyes so he didn't get triggered himself.

Her yelling didn't stop for a long while. Still, Cullen tried to keep her present. He reminded her of where she was in a low voice. Too afraid of being found, Cullen traveled on the horse with her like that – clammy and empty. After an hour or two the screaming stopped. If he asked her how she was, she would just say 'I don't want to talk'. As September and he skidded up mountains Cullen prayed to the Maker with all his might that some aspect of the cheery quirky, dwarf was still salvageable.


	31. Chapter 31

Varric awoke just before we climbed the snowy mountains to Skyhold. The journey had been weary, long, not to mention cold. It was a relief to have his company again, even if he responded like this.

"What? What happened, Seeker?" He asked. I was too tired to entertain him.

"It's Cassandra" I moaned.

Varric jumped. He grabbed the sides of my waist, not bothering to correct himself.

"You knocked me out, didn't you?" he gasped. He wrapped his arms around my stomach. "Well, that's something I never thought I'd witness"

"Technically, you didn't"

I laughed. I was surprised I still had the energy to do so. Varric was in a much better mental state now he'd been unconscious. His voice was level and calm.

"How long was I out?"  
>"A while" I said. There were pauses between each exchange because of the shared exhaustion.<p>

"Did you miss me?" he asked.

I rattled my brain to keep focused on the terrain in front. My thighs and backside felt numb from the journey.

I nodded. He sighed.

"Thank Andraste"

I waited, expected him to be his usual chatty self. He was too drained.

"Are you alright?" I choked. I felt Varric nod against my back.

"Physically, yes"

I didn't ask about the emotional side. I knew better than that.

"It is nice to hear your irritating voice again" I said.

I wasn't lying.

* * *

><p>When we returned to Skyhold the crisp morning frost was starting to melt. This was a sight I was used to seeing, so it made me feel welcome. Varric seemed taken aback.<p>

"Look, snowflakes" he murmured. I looked. A misty powder was visible in the air. He was right, even if they were miniscule. I jumped off my horse now we'd reached the stable. There were no horses missing. They others must have returned safely.

I walked awkwardly and slowly back to the interior. My strides were so short Varric overtook me.

"I'm going to have a bath. I suspect I'll run into you afterwards" he said.

I nodded. Decent quality conversation would have to wait.

"I'm getting breakfast"

We parted ways. It wasn't far off from normal. When I returned inside, it was clear something was off.

* * *

><p>I scooped bread and juice onto a tray and sat down at the breakfast table. I was the only one here. Everyone else must have already eaten or gone to bed – maybe both. It had been far too trying to expect the Inquisition to keep to their usual schedules. Normally we would have been able to rest and make camp along the way, but the particular circumstances of this mission prevented that. Bianca was a fugitive, after all. As I chewed and my stomach calmed, I wondered what would happen next. It was anyone's guess.<p>

* * *

><p>After the clang of my tray faded, some footsteps echoed from one of the doors. I turned. Commander Cullen Rutherford was pacing my way. He was wearing what I assume was his night clothes, because his armor was nowhere to be seen. He looked as tired as I felt. I wondered if I looked worse off than him.<p>

"Good morning, Seeker Pentaghast" he said quietly. I nodded.

"Commander"

It was still too difficult to form longer sentences. Cullen sighed. He placed a hand in the small of my back. I noticed he looked pale. Had he been experiencing mild withdrawal symptoms?

"I was wondering if I could discuss something with you"

By 'something' I knew he meant Bianca, but everyone was tired of hearing her name tossed around at this stage. The connotations with Varric didn't help. I nodded again.

"Let me hear it"

Cullen led me through the dining hall door to one to the deserted Skyhold corridors. It was dark. Not even a flicker of candle light kept it warm. Cullen started to speak.

"I must update you on the condition of the fugitive, Seeker" he said in his usual crisp manner. It was oddly contrasting to have him speak this way at this hour, in his choice of clothing. I blinked, slowly.

"Go ahead"

Cullen seemed to lose the ability to concentrate. He stopped, and stared blankly in front of him as though he suspected Darkspawn would materialize out of the air. I stopped too.

"She had a flashback on the way home" he said after a while.

What was left of my resolve drained painfully from my system. I was surprised I was able to still stand. There was only one flashback this could be. Varric would not be happy.

"How did she respond?" I asked slowly, not really sure how else to express my discomfort. Cullen kept looking straight ahead. He shook his head, as if to say 'Not well'.

"She is in Solas's care as we speak. We found her a spare bedroom near the library. I had to generously bribe him to treat her immediately. She had been in my office while we awaited your arrival"

I paused, waiting for Cullen to gather his thoughts. If he was more cheerful he might have made a comment about not being able to pay to fix his door because of this new development. He remained resolute. We all had a bad case of morning brain fog.

"He is trying to better organize Bianca's memories by using the Fade as an anchor" Cullen explained "I'll be perfectly honest, Cassandra – I do not have the slightest idea how it works, but Solas assured me he could return the light to her eyes"

If Bianca was anything like Cullen had been with his flashbacks, I had no desire to know how Bianca had looked.

I paused "Is she not herself?"

Cullen finally looked back at me. His eyes looked overly sympathetic. This was painful for him to recall.

"No" he said simply. His hands clenched into fists "She has been in shock since it happened. I have seen nothing like it before. She makes my withdrawal look peaceful"

* * *

><p>My mind was in such a deluded web I was surprised to find myself in front of Varric's door so soon. Thoughts of how Bianca would look having a flashback haunted my brain. If my better judgement was still working, I'd have left Varric to sleep. This was impossible now, though. I aimed to maintain my usual sleep schedule and hold off until the evening. I knocked on the door.<p>

"Yes?" Varric said. I took a deep breath, preparing myself for the upcoming conversation.

"It's me" I said.

I heard footsteps, the click of a lock. The door squeaked open. Varric's tired eyes came to meet mine. He was in his light tunic again.

"Morning Cassandra"

_Night ware would be far more comfortable_, I admitted, but I had not taken the time out to change. Cullen's words were too pressing. My heart pound in my ears again.

"Did you come for a morning cuddle?" Varric asked me. He stepped aside to let me through. He locked the door again and hesitated.

"Have you seen Bianca?"

Varric shook his head. He wandered down to his bed.

"Nah, too tired" he slurred. He sat over his bed covers and balanced a notebook on his knees "I have been writing instead"

I remember what Varric said about using his writing as a means to purge emotion, and I wondered if this was the case here – especially since Bianca was involved.

I was too nervous to ask. Varric answered the question for me.

"I'm trying to answer that question you asked me" he said slowly. My heart stepped in an unexpected ditch.

"Does that help you?" I wondered. I reached the bed too, but sat on the edge. I stared at my hands, finding a way to not look at him. Varric paused.

"Yes and no" he answered. He twirled the quill in his hand "I can write _your_ part just fine, but I'm having trouble conceptualizing the end to Bianca's story"

I looked up. This was a surprising response.

"Why is that?"

"Her character befuddles me. I can't write it with my usual flair of unwavering confidence" Varric mused. He rolled his quill between his fingers "I realized perhaps she's a different person than when I saw her last"

The Red Lyrium incident hadn't been that long ago, but I knew what Varric meant. In Bianca's life a lot of things had happened – she'd met Cullen, confronted Bogdan about his abuse, tried to sort out divorce papers – it had been an extremely stressful ordeal. Let us not forget getting forcefully removed from her home as well. Those sorts of changes altered anybody.

_Then there's the flashback, _my heart sunk.

Varric dropped his notebook. He put his face in his hands.

"What am I going to do, Cassandra?" he asked. He sounded anguished "I'm too nervous to go find her. I'm too afraid of what I will see. What if we're – I don't know – not meant for each other anymore?"

_So, it isn't just that you're tired,_ I thought crudely. Honestly, I wasn't surprised. Varric always kept his darker emotions as repressed as possible.

I took a deep breath. My ribs seemed to chime in my chest.

"Bianca is in a spare room near the library with Solas for when you want to see her"

Varric seemed even more confused.

"Chuckles?" he repeated "what the hell is he doing there?"

Despite what I had done so far, I couldn't bring the truth to his room, not to Varric.

"You don't want to know"

That should have answered it alone, but Varric did not seem to put it together. I stood up and began to reach the door. I had to leave before he found out. I didn't want to witness him go into another crazy outburst. There had been enough of those for one sleep cycle.

Varric grabbed my arm.

"Why not?" he asked suspiciously. His pearly gold eyes were squinted like a mouse. He finally knew better than to demand the answer. Asking was an improvement. I gritted my teeth and yanked free of his grip.

"If you really can't tame your curiosity…" I said slowly. I unlocked the door and stepped out "Go see her yourself"

I didn't see Varric's reaction as I shut the door.

* * *

><p>I went back to my room and picked up <em>Hard in Hightown<em> with relief. An escape was perfect at this hour, and I was nearly at the end. I lay on my stomach on my bed, found my page and buried my nose in its pages.

* * *

><p>I woke up hours later with it closed on the ground. The worst kind of accident! I was still in my filthy armor. The biggest surprise were Varric's hands were around my own. He was spooning me from behind.<p>

_He snuck in!_ I thought incredulously. If we had not done this before I would have screamed in shock. I gripped onto his hands. He stirred, but did not wake. I prayed he would be peaceful for a little longer. I begged to the Maker Bianca would recall who she was.

_For Varric's sake and mine_, I concluded silently.

* * *

><p>"Cassandra" Varric's soft whisper hissed in my ear "Psst, Cassandra"<p>

"What is it?" I jeered, way too loud than necessary. My eyes snapped open. Varric was standing next to my bed, wearing some clean, normal clothes. Sun came in from my window. Was it lunch time?

_How in the name of the Divine did I fall asleep – again -?!_ I dearly wanted to know. Varric had other things on his mind besides my disrupted sleeping pattern.

"Chuckles told me Bianca is happy to see me when I'm ready" he said. His eyes darted around. His feet were shuffling "I… I wanted to see if you were okay first"

_Is that really the truth or are you just making excuses_? I wondered. I closed my eyes and exhaled breath from my nostrils.

"I am fine, Varric" I said quietly. I peered into his eyes "Is that truly all you wanted to say?"

Some color returned to Varric's face. He sounded more like a man from my romance novels than any time previously, even when we had made love. It sound like it was bursting from an untouched crevice inside.

"I want you to know I love you" he said "I'm sorry for putting you through this round about, adolescent bullshit"

"Thank you" I said shortly. There was no resentment in my voice, but I was still appreciative of his kindness. His drama had bothered me for a while. Varric continued to gaze me up and down.

"If I wasn't so scared I'd make love to you again. I mean that, Cassandra" he said sweetly. He tried to reach out to me, but stopped half way "I just… I don't know what will happen in there"

"I know" I said calmly. Varric smiled weakly.

"I knew you would. Listen, I, uh… I need to ask a huge favour of you. Will you do it for me?"

"Anything" I said.

_What is he going to ask?_

Varric unhinged his crossbow Bianca from off his back. As though passing a carving of glass, he held her out to me.

"Can you take care of - my c-_crossbow_ - for me?" he requested.

There were two things that startled me about this sentence. For one, he wanted to give up his weapon up to someone else. The second, he had not referred to the weapon by its name. In fact, he didn't refer to it as anything at all. He even paused to make sure he'd said the right thing. This had never happened before in Varric Tethras's life. With absolute certainty this affirmed to me how important a moment it was for him. Even if I did not understand why he had wiped his most prized possession of her name, I did not object or question him. If anything, this was a sign of evolution. I lift my hands, gazing at Varric's eyes in silence, and he dropped the heavy contraption into my palms. My fingers curved around its cold, hardened edges like a nugget of gold, and I brought it to my chest. It was a beautiful weapon of the strongest handiwork: truly, magnificent craftsmanship. Bianca had designed her well. I suspect it looked this sturdy the moment it had been made. Peace washed over my brain. Varric trust me like he trusted no one else. This made me happy as well as sad.

"I will guard her with my life" I promised. Varric smiled. He withdrew his hands into his pockets as though trying to stop himself from backing out.

"Thanks. I need to do this alone" he admitted "I can't have my judgement warped by distraction. I've done that for way too long"

He left without another word. It was as though he knew his own flaws, his own demons, and wanted to escape them. He had spent too long cradling a dream in his arms. It was disappointing to affirm what was obvious to everyone. The crossbow Bianca had been a demon more than a blessing, even if it had won him many fights and saved him broken bones. That much was clear now. He needed to face reality for the first time in over four years.

I held onto the crossbow like it was a teddy bear I'd wanted forever. I was so in awe of what had just occurred it took a moment to remember I was in my bed. I placed Bianca down on the sheets and began to remove my armor, making sure _she_ couldn't see. If I accidentally fell asleep again, I wanted to be wearing something more comfortable, especially if Varric or myself would need consoling afterward.

I kept the door unlocked.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> Evil laugh... How does this cliff hanger compare to the last big one at the end of Chapter 19? Please let me know what you think. As you might be able to tell, the story is getting close to a conclusion. It feels unreal!


	32. Chapter 32

_Authors notes:_ The ultimate chapter to make ultimate chapters! This is the longest one I've written so far - it made it to a whopping 10 pages. Rated M for explicit content. You'll find out why if you read XD Hope you like it.

* * *

><p>Varric couldn't speak to Solas as he passed the door into Bianca's room. Even Solas's words were far from comforting. They echoed through a dark tunnel, falling in a cavern with no flooring.<p>

"Be well, Varric. Your love is doing much better. Her thoughts are coherent now" he said.

_Coherent compared to what?_

Varric pulled away from Solas's eyes as the door strained on its hinges. He brushed his hands, as though the room had been guarded by poison herbs, but no dust released from his fingers. If anything, a thin film of sweat came between each palm, screaming for mercy.

The door shut behind him with a crash. He got the impression too many people had slammed or kicked it open in its lifetime. It sounded weak, clutching to its frame like a new mother to her baby. Varric had never felt he could relate to a door before, but the comparison had been forced down his throat. An obstruction dangled off the back of his tongue, pulling him down to disjointedness.

Varric sighed. He avoided looking at the bed for as long as possible. Bianca's new quarters were not too different to anyone else's. There were some thick brown and black striped curtains, freshly mopped wooden floor boards, and a fraying teal rug. Fraying leather bound books were piled along the walls like a fortress. Some had been knocked over. From what he could tell by the end, the bed frame was black, with teal and white covers. It matched the curtains. He didn't think the Inquisition cared for such things, but Solas had odd tastes at the best of times.

Varric's heart did the strangest back flip as he looked upon her, the face he'd dreamed and pined over for fifteen years. She was sitting against the head of the bed as though it was a chair, waiting for something. Bianca's blond hair was still out, lying limply against her thin, heart shaped face. The curtains were half closed, casting an earthy glow on her features. Her face was pale, eyes steely. It looked as though she had jumped into the Raw Fade and had listened to Corypheus drone into her for a week. There was tiredness about her, a sorrow. Her blue eyes looked less like body parts and more like the ocean. There was an endless depth to them, a darkness brought on by tossing waves, cleansing salts and many tuffs of sea weed. Her hair looked thin, like some of it had fallen out. She hadn't brushed it. She was still wearing her blue dress with white daisies. It looked clean. The only time she had looked more feminine and beautiful is when she had been in her wedding dress. He hadn't seen it in person, of course, but she had sent him photos. He kept them by his bed in a draw at the back of one of his books. He sometimes wished he could have married her so their promise to reunite had been more than just words, but all traces of this aspiration had been left at the door.

Varric stopped at the foot of her bed. Bianca's hands were in her lap. Bianca's destroyed pink painted fingernails looked less wrecked than usual. Even when Alden had stopped ripping them off daily she had developed a terrible nail biting habit to make up for it: anxiety, no doubt. She was always cursed with such neuroticism: the vulture swooping over her head. She didn't look that way now though. Varric didn't know how to describe her expression. No character, friend or acquaintance had formed a portrait quite like this, even if they were drunk. He had never seen it before, whatever it was. Bianca's pupils rose to meet his. It was chilling to gaze at her once again in such an intimate setting.

"Hello, Varric" she said. Her voice was softer than the bed sheets. A breed of silk and cotton should be dubbed in her honour. Varric nodded.

"Good afternoon, Bianca"

There were no pet names for now, just stunned acknowledgement of the other's presence. They were in a court room, instructed to utter only what was necessary. They had promised before the Maker to speak only the truth, and Varric did not like the idea of skewing the jury in his favour. There was no point creating a tapestry of deception when Bianca would just unravel the thread. Varric and Bianca were separated by tough prison walls that would electrocute them on touch. There was glass between them they just couldn't see. There was no red lyrium to distract them, just their feelings. They were confusing emotions. Varric's chest had been splattering hot oil over his body since he'd gotten home. Many holes had appeared in his heart from the spillage. Varric hesitated.

"Should I sit down?" he gestured to the bed. Bianca moved to the side.

"Sure"

She didn't smile. It looked like she'd forgotten how to. Trying to avoid this fact, Varric paced to the left side of the bed and sat down on the edge. Each movement, even if it was tiny compared to a human's, was walking a plank. Now he was at the edge, sharks and carnivorous birds roared to greet him.

Bianca pat the space next to her. She wanted him closer. Varric pushed off his shoes. He pretended he was scooting into his own bed to avoid the nerves. He swung his legs over the side and sat against the head of the bed with her. The cream wall on the opposite side of the room was more like a mirror, a window to an abandoned past. It was like they'd reached the end of the universe, pondering the meaning of life. Maybe a future Varric and Bianca had been sharing a last meal together in the dying comforts of old age. Varric did not know the meaning of this notion. He just knew he was happy to be there with her. Past the guards of apprehension, he hoped she was too.

"It's weird to be back in a bed together, isn't it?" Bianca said modestly. Varric nodded.

"I'll admit I've missed it, but it has been a while"

Bianca tilt her chin "I miss it too"

Bianca and Varric had spent many nights in hotels, but nothing that looked exactly like this. There was no loudness outside from new arrivals, no cluttering of cutlery as the couple in the room next door ate dinner. It segregated him from the memories to escape. The times he had shuddered at her moans in his ears…. he'd have to ignore it for now.

Varric turned to look at her. She looked sad, like her dignity, pride, maybe even her life had been stolen from her. The caretaker had nicked the key and refused to give it back. Bianca in bed had done bad things – she'd irritated other patrons and caused complaints. Varric had broken the lamp on the bed side table from knocking it over in a flurry of crimson lust. The last dregs of a crystal green Royan Perignon White Gold champagne bottle stained the ivory carpet grey. The cleaning lady would have juices of pleasure to soak from the sheets in due time.

Varric peered at her right hand, still positioned next to him. It was unblemished, as perfect as he remembered. He touched it with one of his fingers, but not a single inch more than that. He wasn't sure how she felt about him. it was like she was intoxicated and not wanting to expel the contents of her stomach.

"Chuckles told me you had a… remembrance of some description" Varric worded it carefully, but he knew Bianca would not avoid the subject. He wanted to seem noble, _normal_, even if he wasn't. Was she mad at him? Bianca let out a long sigh, Wbanishing more than air from her lungs.

"Yeah" she said resignedly.

Varric hesitated. Bianca hadn't removed her hand. He added another finger to the dorsal surface of her beautiful skin. He noticed the thin wedding ring on her finger, the jewellery she hadn't yet removed. This disturbed him a little. She wasn't just widowed now… she was free from a man who had caused her hardship. Yet, she still clung to it like the bed sheet next to her. Why? The old Bianca would have ripped it off the instant she'd been freed. Where had the old Bianca gone?

"What's it like?" Varric asked, praying she wouldn't beat him to a pulp. If she did, Bianca wouldn't have the reaction time he did. Her lips morphed into a grim facet. It was neither a smile or a frown. Varric had no clue what it was.

"I feel broken" she said simply "I suspect you feel that way too now, huh?"

She still wouldn't look at him. She beat against her will to move. Varric put his palm on the back of her hand, not even brushing the wedding ring. This was not some fantasy he'd concocted at three in the morning, unable to sleep. It didn't seem like she was his yet, even if all other signs said so.

_I'm –your- idiot,_ she had said.

"I'm shaken up, but nothing I can't recover from" Varric said. That was not the truth "Actually, I lie. I don't feel like I'll ever be the person I was before"

"Me neither" Bianca smiled. She moved her fingers apart just enough so Varric could slide his inside. It was like being inside her, savouring each heated inch of skin against hers. Again, he avoided pressing the wedding ring finger. "It's nice to know you understand, Varric"

'Varric', he had not heard that from her in a while. Even when they'd raided Valammar, he addressed him like a friend. She could not dare step over the line of infidelity, even if she hated her husband – even if she fantasized about Varric instead. Now her tone indicated longing – the emotion that had vibrated so earnestly from her letters: the gentle pleas of a homeless girl caught in the snow.

It was somewhat comforting to feel the warmth of Bianca's fingers. It had been way too long since they'd last done this. It was so long he couldn't even remember. Sure, he liked to hold them while he exhausted his body of pent up, sinful desires. He even grabbed her by the wrists or hurt her if she wanted him bad enough, but it was not the same as the loving, romantic interlocking of fingers. They had hardly ever held hands in public – it was something as rare as collecting gold from the side walk. There was too much risk involved with such a simple expression of admiration. Now, there was no danger at all. It felt like the only thing missing was a bouquet of flowers and a lacy white veil.

"Is it nice to be out?" Varric asked. Bianca nodded. Her lip trembled.

"Thank you"

She wiped her mouth with her other hand. Varric squeezed the one he had possession of.

"Bianca…" he began.

"It's nothing" Bianca brushed it away "Please, I don't need your pity"

Varric looked ahead at the wall again. It was such a boring slab of brick, even for Skyhold merits.

"Are you mad?" he probed. This could have been referring to many things, and it had a variety of potential answers. Varric thought it best to let Bianca answer what she wanted. She shook her head.

"No" her voice croaked "I, uh… I know why you did it. The memories, I mean"

_Great. She doesn't hate me for that._

"T-Thank you"

It was Varric's time to be awkward. His voice broke and his body shook. His heart pound so loud he wondered if Bianca could hear. She could read him so well she could have guessed blindfolded and tied up in a dark cellar. Bianca's voice softened.

"Don't worry" she said "I'm glad you did it"

Varric tried to slow his breathing, but he couldn't deny how nervous he was. A multitude of contradicting emotions beat at his chest. He wanted her as badly as he was resistant of her.

_I want to understand you, Bianca_, he thought, _I want to understand everything. _

Bianca seemed to think the same. She lift up the bed covers, silently asking Varric to join her underneath. He did. It took a few seconds to scramble free of the bed and reassemble the parts. Now the side of Bianca's stocky dress covered thigh was touching Varric's left one. The bed covers were warm and soft – stiff and unused. This was also something they had not done in a long while. It felt nice, though. Familiar, unlike everything else...

"I- I still love you, Bianca. I'd be shot dead in Corypheus's cell before I didn't" Varric said quickly. He tried to stare into her eyes, but she was looking at her favourite place on the wall. "I'm sorry I got mad at you. I can't expect you to be the same person after living with that asswipe what's his name for so long. Y-You… you just need time to resume your old timetable, right?"

Bianca smiled ruefully. She appeared to agree with him

"I'm _not_ the same person" she repeated "Thanks for the apology, regardless. Even if it's been a bit… long"

"I'm sorry for that too" Varric said.

He was starting to be unnerved by her lack of affection, her lack of eye contact – surely if she was a different person, that didn't mean she was unable to show a common politeness for her favourite pen pal?

"Bianca…" he started, and he was surprised by the vulnerability of this phrase "P-Please – don't you want to look at me?"

Bianca smiled for a second. Her right eye flickered toward Varric. Then she turned to face him. Her gaze was intense.

"It's… difficult to look at you" she said finally. Varric was too afraid to ask why. Bianca sighed. She turned her body so she was facing him, tucking her bare feet under her knees. She looked more striking here. Varric noted how plump her little breasts were, tucked so neatly into her cute dress. She was more than a housewife wannabe in this outfit – she was desirable too. His body warmed at the sight of her – a seductive flame that had not been lit in years.

"I – the memories are fresh in my mind" Bianca said slowly "Solas said I'm probably never going to be able to forget them. The only thing that can warp a person's mind to that level of craziness is the most difficult, forbidden types of magic. He urged me to not seek out such things. I didn't want to argue with him"

Varric was able to breathe freely again, only just. His lungs expanded like the tune of a wind instrument. So it was the traumatic memories that made it difficult to look at him. Varric understood. He often experienced the same about her, but he had gotten used to it. He was able to reminisce on his favourite memories without her screams dismantling the frame. Initially the trauma had obliterated all his memories of her. The sensations were pictures missing from an album. Slowly as the months passed flickers returned – the touch of her hand, the smell of her clothes, only fragments of a bigger picture like a giant Bianca puzzle. The negative parts blared in the background like terrible music. He could better ignore the echoes of torture when he looked into her eyes. It dawned on him how little hold they had on him now. It was like the pain had lessened.

He was tempted to, but he didn't ask more about the procedure Solas had performed. What mattered is she was sane… he thought.

Bianca finally spoke. Her hand trembled in his as she did.

"I love you too"

They stared at each other for a long while. Was it appropriate to kiss? Hug? What was expected of them? It had been such a long while, the etiquette had been lost. It was almost like they'd written it all down on parchment in their letters and in the process forgotten how to do it.

_I need a glowing paragon of an instruction manual,_ Varric thought begrudgingly.

How would Varric kiss Bianca if she let him? Even he did not know. He was too cautious to probe how deep her love went. He ought to change the subject. He lift a hand and placed in on Bianca's cheek.

"You're more beautiful than ever" he said, and he meant every word. He was shocked by the cold of Bianca's face "I promise by the giant breach in the sky: I never meant to leave you"

Clearly changing the subject wasn't a great call in this case – probably because it was a more emotionally driven stance. Tears fell from Bianca's face, seemingly from nowhere. Her voice ached with sorrow.

"You still did, though" she whispered.

Varric couldn't speak. He didn't know how to comfort her. He didn't know what she wanted him to do.

"I love you" he repeated, as though it was the single brick that would stop a bridge from collapsing. He was wrong. Her tears continued to trail thin lines across her face.

"You still left me, Varric" her voice got firmer, harder "You left me with a douchebag for _four fucking years_! Do you _know_ how that feels?!"

Varric clenched his jaw. His voice was a shadow of his normal self.

"Of course I know how it feels" he said "You think I haven't suffered too? I've been waiting for you, as well!"

"No one was making you wait!" Bianca yelled. Varric tried to keep his voice steady, but it was becoming more and more difficult.

"I said I was sorry!" Varric shouted "If I could have done any better earlier, I would have"

"But you didn't" Bianca said. Her face fell. Her arm shook. Her nose sounded snotty and blocked.

"I'm sorry. I'm becoming a bewitching jerk. I'm just _angry_, you know?"

"I know you're angry" Varric said "If it makes you feel better, beat me up"

"No" Bianca shook her head "You're not worth the trouble"

There was silence.

"He tried to strangle me, you know" Bianca said "I nearly died trying to get out. I couldn't stand not bearing to be near you anymore"

Varric felt emotionally numb again. Why did his body have to do this?

"What the hell, Bianca? That's the sort of thing that's important to know!"

"Like I could tell you! You worried about me enough without adding _that_ into the picture. It made no difference anyway because the only reason I got out is because _Cassandra_ volunteered to help! _Cassandra_! A human! A _girl_! It had absolutely _nothing_ to do with your sorry ass!"

Varric burst into angry tears, but Bianca was the only person besides Cassandra who had seen. He didn't let this phase him. His voice was unrecognizable when he spoke.

"I felt so guilty for what happened" he strained "I didn't want that to happen ever again. I didn't want you to relive it like I had"

Bianca ripped her hand from Varric's. She wiped her eyes and sobbed too. She had not become as comfortable with this emotion as she had. Probably because of her husband…. How many times had she been ordered not to cry? She breathed heavily, tried to calm down. She did a lot quicker than Varric did.

"You're still completely screwed over from the Carta incident, you chronic worrier" Bianca said. She was angry as well as sad. It was impossible to tell which emotion was stronger "I should have known something was off about your story. You changed after that"

"They _made me watch you_, Bianca" Varric breathed. Biana's voice broke.

"I know" she whimpered.

"I didn't want to trigger you" Varric said.

"_Cullen_ triggered me" Bianca corrected him "He realized you'd lied. Once I considered the idea, it all fell into place"

"You mean…"

"Yeah" Bianca sounded resound with bitterness "If you'd somehow orchestrated a rescue team sooner… maybe I would still be sipping a martini in the ignorant bliss of traumatic amnesia"

"Crap. Well, circumstances made it difficult" Varric admitted "This Inquisition thing is recent"

"You're right. Maybe it was the swing of a new sword… but it would have been nice to see you _try_. I'm obviously asking for a miracle here. You knew enough people through your work, maybe too many. You could have made all of Hightown riot if you actually bothered to _try_"

Bianca sobbed some more, covering her face in her hands. Varric touched her knee, rubbed it with his thumb. They were in a whole lot of shit. That much had been clear for a long time. Maybe it was worse than he ever imagined. He stared at Bianca's hand.

"Why don't you take the ring off, Bianca?" Varric asked "I'll buy you another one"

His heart pounded. The room sunk against him like collapsing bookshelves. He knew what he was asking. Bianca should have seen it coming, anyway. Cassandra… he couldn't think about her. Bianca was far too important to him, too precious to flick away at a swish of a finger. He blocked it out like he had everything else.

Bianca's face was distraught. The tears had silenced, like Bianca was using them as materials for a new weapon – trying to decide how to react. She peered at him through her hands – carefully - with a tear streaked face. Varric continued.

"If you take it off I promise I'll never make you wait again for a stupid idiot like me" Varric resolved "I want to make it up to you… for the rest of my life, if I have to. You've pretty much _been_ my whole life, Bianca. You've made me who I am, the good and bad parts. You've taught me things about life no one else has even bothered. I don't want you to leave ever again"

Bianca thought about it. He watched as her eyes flickered to the side. Were their good times still going to shine through the bad? Her lip trembled. Her face was completely red, eyes puffy and swollen. She almost looked bruised. Her next words splintered every bone in Varric's body.

"No" she answered.

_What?_

Varric couldn't speak. He just stared at her with heartbroken eyes. He wished he had his crossbow so he could shoot himself with it. That's how Bianca made him feel – like she was a pile of arrows. His heart wept crusting blood.

"I _do_ love you, Varric. I _do_ think of you as my lover… but that's all we are" Bianca reasoned. The shock in her eyes matched the feelings in Varric's throat. This was the reality of their situation finally coming to light

"I can't be with you the way you want me to" she finished "I'm… not the same person. You left me to rot too long"

"You can change!" Varric hurried. Elegancy was out of the question at this point "You're not rotten. You can get better!"

"No, I can't" Bianca smiled regretfully "Not unless I seek out the worst kind of magic. I don't want to get on the bad side of the law again. You of all people should understand why. I can't look at you without being reminded of what happened. It's made me lose some of our scandalous life. I feel blame for being married to a monster"

"Time can heal those wounds" Varric wouldn't give up "I can look at you easier than I could before"

"Yeah, but you can't look at me the _same_. Don't lie to yourself, Varric" Bianca said firmly. She seemed to lose herself in her head "Just because we're in love it doesn't mean we're the best thing for each other. I think you met _that_ person more recently"

"Y-You…" Varric stuttered "_Cassandra_? You've gotta be fucking kidding me, Bianca! You're saying this after we killed what's his name _and_ your dad?! All the setbacks are gone now!"

"You said it yourself. I make you stupid" Bianca smiled "I know it's romantic and everything, but I promise, it's not a big deal. Seriously, be with Cassandra. She brings out the best in you. She brought out the Varric that came to save me. That's the sort of guy I want you to be – that's the person you should _stay_"

"Don't just get up and leave again!" Varric pleaded. Bianca smiled. She was beginning to seem like her old self.

"I won't. I'll stay here until I can rebuild my life again. You're welcome to visit whenever you want"

"But aren't you absolutely crushed?" Varric asked "After all our letters and waiting… don't you want it to _mean_ something?"

"Doesn't the fact I was gone all that time make it easier to deal with?"

"No"

"Maybe it's because you've been telling stories, and I've been making swords…" Bianca mused, reminiscing on the past "Pleasing my dad and shining my ex-husband's shoes. I got the shit end of the river – you got the good end. _Stay_ in the good end"

"_You're_ the good end of my stupid, terrible life, Bianca" Varric said "Please… I can't believe you're saying this"

"Neither can I. Cassandra will help you through it. She's good at making you think straight. I'll just… I don't know, make a cake and eat it all at once"

"I can make you a cake" Varric proposed. Bianca laughed.

"Really? Did Cassandra teach you to cook?"

Varric smiled embarrassed "She made me _try_"

Bianca didn't say anything. Varric could see her shiny, gleeful essence coming through. She kissed him on the cheek. The soft touch of her mouth on stubble sent Varric into a noxious fever. Varric grabbed her face and didn't hesitate. He pressed his lips on hers, tasting what he would never get to again: the subzero salt of tears, the aridity of her chapped lips. Bianca had not been deluded. She tasted different than she had before. It was like Bianca poisoned her system with ash – her ex-husband had broken more than her mind. Her teeth were an abnormal smoothness. Her gums felt grazed and damaged – what had Bianca done? Chewed on gravel? Bianca breathed like it was her last. It was chilling. She blushed.

"There's one more thing I want to ask"

"I'll do anything" Varric said.

Bianca smiled. Varric tried to capture her aroma in his mind as she pulled her face away. Even olfaction was different than before – was it because she'd perfumed with different mists? Had she washed herself with an alternating exotic fragrance every day? He knew Bianca's distinct scent like the back of his hand– it was hard to describe but kind of like camomile and honey suckle. This had no resemblance to the sweetness. Bianca was more subtle and fleeting. He could have mistaken her for a bouquet of roses. There was something confusing and unsettling about forcing the pieces together. Despite what Bianca insisted, she did not _feel_ different to be around. She couldn't have changed _that_ much, but all these physical indicators had. What's his name had not been in an _emotional_ relationship with her, but he had with the physical. He had mutilated her body _somehow_. He just wasn't sure what, how or when.

Varric stopped overanalysing. He watched in shock and awe as Bianca pulled her dress over her head. She let the blue flop next to her in thin, airy folds – saying goodbye to the mistress persona she vowed she'd never be. Stunning lacy, lavender pink lingerie primed her body underneath. If clothing had a scent this would have confirmed the air of roses. Her long wavy blonde hair reminded Varric of the peak of their relationship. It had been like that when they'd passed the awkward first time stage – Bianca and his combined confidence created fireworks and the Carta started following them. Was that why Bianca had grown it out again? She was still just as gorgeous and perfect. Her tummy creased in the same places it always did. She still had a freckle beside her belly button, that birth scar underneath her right breast. She was slightly curvier than before, but that was probably because she was spoilt rotten with sweets and nice meals. She had lived a gourmet, but incredibly unfulfilling life. Her skin had a slight tan – this was new. How did it get there?

Bianca didn't break eye contact with Varric as she unclipped her bra. In all the times they had undressed, they'd never been so safe. For once there was no hazard of someone walking in. there was not an ounce of endangerment. Varric wouldn't have to dodge a sword, dagger, arrow, fist or axe. Varric felt all breath leave him as he gazed upon her nipples, perky and ready, glistening in the faint afternoon glow from outside. There was a jagged scar along her left: another new change. He didn't want to know how she got it. Bianca deciphered Varric's fascination, and untold reservation with the changes. She more resembled a prostitute then the down to earth smith who hated glamorous restaurants.

"Do you still want me?" Bianca asked, voice shaking. Varric blushed. She may look like an upper class escort, but she was still the same eccentric ball of electricity. Varric unbuckled his belt and began to undress as quickly as he could. If anything, the changes made his disconnect from any guilt of abandoning the woman he loved. He hurled each item to the side, expressing the anger at himself – at life, but never at _her_.

"Of course I do. You really are crazy if you doubt that"

"I'm crazy for you" Bianca smiled.

Now completely bare except for his briefs, he wrapped his arms around Bianca and held her close. This was like their first time, and their last both at once. The sheets were not as neurotically refined, and Bianca was at least 9 years past this memory. Still, it was clear as day. Varric pushed her down like he had then.

* * *

><p>Bianca's eyes fluttered to the window.<p>

'Meadow said she'd distract him if he came back' she had said. Varric heard his own laugh over the distorted image of Bianca. Cracks of tortured Bianca mixed into this memory, like it had with others.

"Your Dad can be introduced to my fist" Varric joked. He kissed her neck, pushed his arousal against her. Bianca whimpered. She was wearing shorts, shirt and a long sleeved robe. The pins in her hair refracted the light. Her hair had been shoulder length, then.

"I'm as turned on as I am terrified right now" Bianca whispered with a deluded grin. "Only you could do that to a dwarf"

Varric pushed his body against her, feeling her breasts through her clothes against his bare chest. Alden would just have to cry bloody murder.

"Don't let all your planning go to waste"

Bianca had planned their first time as down to the last detail – what they would eat to how they would leave.

* * *

><p>Varric was lying on top of Bianca this same way, except they were nearly naked already. They were lying spread out over the wrong length of the bed, but they didn't care.<p>

"I still wanted you when you were mad at me" Bianca murmured.

"I did too" Varric smiled.

He tasted her lips. They were so small and sweet. Her rose perfume was rancid and sick. He ran kisses down her neck and sucked on the skin. Bianca's breathing was steady, but already deepening. In regards to pleasing her sexually, it did not appear anything had changed. What's his name must have been terrible, then.

"I've dreamed about this too long" Bianca said quietly "I'm kind of freaked I'll wake up again"

"Let me remind you of what you were missing" Varric grinned.

He sucked on one of her nipples and brought his other hand down below. Over four years' worth of fantasizing with no emotional release took a toll on the complexities of the female mind. Her clitoris was already swollen. Sweat was starting to expel from her pores, and they were only at the early foreplay stage. Bianca moaned. Her voice was light when she did, kind of how a fairy might sound. It was different to the rough longings her voice was perfect for. This was the only change Varric hated. She had to make those sounds he relished! She urgently ran fingers through his hair.

"Stop trying to wet me! I'm already drenched!" Bianca pleaded "Just go for it!"

Her body had surpassed every other stage. Bianca Davri was hardwired for Varric. The ragged edges of her soul had this program collecting dust for months. Her feelings of desperation, which had been beaten down at the same time – also started to emerge.

Bianca started to cry. It was different to her angry tears, her droplets of sadness. Varric understood her plight. Bianca desired his love and selflessness – his kisses and warm softness. Every day and night, she knew only roughness, forcefulness – the misgivings of a man who did not love her. She wanted her tortured heart mended again. Varric would apply new dressings to her wounds so they could heal. Rubbing her down below, he slid a finger inside her. Bianca's pelvic floor muscles instantaneously spasmed and released of her own doing. Her thighs shuddered.

"On the carvings of King Cailan's grave" she breathed.

Over the decade of knowing her, Bianca had transformed from an awkward supremacy to a wild goddess who thrived on thrill seeking. She was not offended by accidentally flashing passers-by, and she didn't care if the whole world heard. Here, she was somewhat muted. Varric had no problem nearly placing a fist inside of her – her walls were like elastic. He settled with four fingers. As soon as he was inside, they clamp down like a new book cover. Varric moaned. The thought of him penetrating her wetness was overwhelming. Her legs were quaking incessantly. Bianca pulled his hair.

"Get inside me, you slowpoke" she commanded. Varric remembered all the times they'd been frisky before, and Bianca had never sounded more desperate. This was saying something. Her yearnings had compressed themselves into this single utterance. There was absolutely no hesitation. Bianca had aroused at record breaking speed. He had never known anything like it. Even the whores at The Blooming Rose had nothing on Bianca. Trying to keep up with her, he kept pumping his fingers inside, rocking his thumb on her outside, while he slid Bianca's underlings down, he hooked the lavender pink around one of her ankles. Bianca's back arched and her thighs clamped around him. She squirmed.

"Don't stop" Bianca murmured, tears still pouring down her face. It was like someone had punctured her sanity. Her want was an injury which wept and oozed. Varric was so turned on by her he hardly had to touch himself. He scooted off his briefs and balanced Bianca's legs on his shoulders. He thrust into her. Bianca actually screamed. Varric was overcome with shock. She hardly _ever_ did that!

"Where did _that_ come from?" Varric blurted out. Bianca was a shadow of herself. Her eyes were closed. She must be in some torturous nightmare.

"More!" she said, ignoring him. Varric thrust into her, hard. She was so wet and hot inside, her womanhood trying to rip all the sperm from his body. Bianca's body had turned into some sort of earthquake. He couldn't hear her crying anymore but the tears were all over her face. She had completely lost her mind.

"Oh, yes…" she moaned. She bucked her hips against him. They were both fighting to beat each other at their own game. Varric was starting to graze his knees on the sheets. He wouldn't have thought such a thing was possible. He moaned too.

"You're hell, Bianca. Seriously" he murmured. Bianca was half laughing and half sobbing. She moved against him as fast as she could.

"Harder, Varric!" Bianca pleaded.

"I can't!" Varric laughed. Bianca giggled.

"You're lying!" her breathing was jumping up and down like tidal waves "I know you can! Make me scream again, Varric"

Their speech was interrupted by wet, passionate kisses.

"All of Skyhold will hear" Varric smiled.

"I don't care!" Bianca susurrated "You'll have to avenge me before I let you go!"

"You've left me no loop hole. This is for your red lyrium scandal"

He withdrew from her and encouraged Bianca on all fours. Bianca moved so she was facing the head of the bed. Varric pushed her head down into the pillow.

"Scream, Bianca" he coaxed her. He thrust into her. Bianca moaned strangled sounds. It was muffled by the pillow.

"M-More Varric' she begged. He thrust furiously. It was beyond human capability. He wondered if he'd have a heart attack. Varric hit her leg with as much force as he could. Bianca moaned. Her wetness was thundering against his arousal.

"I'm gonna cum!" she shouted.

"I love you, Bianca" Varric said. Bianca wasn't listening.

"Make me cum, Varric! A thousand times, I mean it"

He hardy had to alternate the speed for Bianca was pushed into oblivion. She squirted furiously and screamed. Varric created a steady rhythm to his thrusting as her walls pusled against his with great power. Varric withdrew before he accidentally impregnated her. He put his tongue and fingers to her nether regions instead. Bianca let out a weary sigh.

"I love you' she whispered. Still recovering from the after effects of the previous, she was pushed over the edge again "I wish it didn't have to end"

Varric wanted to mention that it didn't have to if Bianca still wanted to be with him, but it was too painful and dubious to say. He had never experienced such a purgatory experience with sex. It was like all the guilt and angry feelings surrounding their past had poured out with his sweat. He was in a church confessing over four years of wrong, hand in hand with a vibrant, just woman in a hood. Her body's violent expulsions of watery goodness made Varric forget any time had lapsed between their last sexual encounter. Varric made Bianca finish three times in quick succession before she collapsed in a heap, urging him to hold her. Lying on their sides, face to face on the bed, Bianca pushed him over the edge with one of her hands. They breathed obtusely as quietly as they could manage, selflessness boring intensely into their eyes.

Varric instantly fell asleep the moment it ended. It happened so quickly he might have thought he'd been clobbered over the head again, but for once the session didn't have to end that way. He felt Bianca's sweaty torso beneath him as the room blackened.

* * *

><p>When Varric opened his eyes Bianca had wrapped her hair in a towel. She must have showered. She was wearing that blue dress again. She'd have to go shopping at some point. She smiled at him.<p>

"Cassandra was asking for you" Bianca said "She said she'd be at the dining hall"

It must be dinner time.

_Shit!_ Varric thought. This was too much to happen in one day. He wiped his eyes. The familiar ache of heart break returned to him. He would have spent the rest of his life with Bianca. He hoped they could still send letters to each other. He hoped Cassandra wouldn't kill him in the rage of finding out. What would Cassandra had done if Bianca had said 'yes'? He shook it from his head like a spider crawling up his arm.

"Did she seem reasonable?" Varric worded the question carefully. Bianca laughed.

"She's _fine_. She had the crossbow me in her arms. You picked a good candidate to donate her too"

"Hey" Varric grinned "I'll be stealing crossbow you right back"

Bianca smiled "Good. About time you got vicious"

She held out her hand. Varric stared at it. There was a thin ring in her palm.

"You can have this back" Bianca said "We don't work, Varric. You've been a crap husband. Learn to cook and maybe then we can start being friends again"

Varric picked it up between two fingers, returning a grin to Bianca. After a good run, Varric Tethras's long distance marriage to Bianca Davri was coming to an official close. It meant a lot. He would take years to adjust to the truth, but that dwarf was truly the best smith he'd ever met! She was his best friend. That would never change. He snatched the ring off Bianca and threw it out the window. The ping of it hitting the ground never came.

"You were a waste of my money, anyway" he joked.

* * *

><p><em>More Author notes:<em> I didn't see this turn of events coming. It broke my heart to write it. I feel like the characters have been writing the story instead of me. I think this is the best way it could have turned out, though. It is easily one of the most intense thngs I've ever written. PLEASE REVIEW. I'd love to know your thoughts.


	33. Chapter 33

"No, Tevinter" I said firmly. I had just sat down with a plate of meat and vegetables at the dining room hall. I locked the crossbow Bianca in my room for safe keeping. For once I left both seats next to me free, but I was secretly hoping Cullen or Joesphine would take the seats.

Dorian laughed and sat down anyway.

"Dear, Cassandra – what has gotten into you?" he peered at the crossbow "Are you afraid I'll steal Varric's baby from your evil reign of terror?"

"I'm more concerned for _your_ terrors, Dorian" I snapped. I forcefully bit out of some broccoli, as though I was slicing off his head "Varric expects his crossbow to be in the same condition he left it"

"I have no doubt you're doing a terrible job" Dorian smiled. He pat my arm, but stopped when I glared at him. "It must be unnerving to have the _real_ Bianca back at Skyhold. Too close for comfort, maybe? I heard delightful screams coming from her room not too long ago. 'How will that make Cassandra feel?' I wondered. Maybe you can give me some insight"

I clenched the glass of water, wondering if I should shatter it and throw the shards in Dorian's face.

"Were you hoping I'd react in a comical manner?" I queried. Dorian shook his hands about.

"No, no, I thought I'd offer to burn Varric's pants off for you" Dorian smiled.

"Hm!" the hand around my cup loosened. I ate another bite of food.

"I'm not surprised an incident of that nature has occured" I finished "Bianca has wanted to share Varric's company for years. I am pleased he is with her"

Dorian laughed "You're a hideous liar, Cassandra"

"Alright, Dorian, I would like Bianca to disappear, but for once I cannot solve my problems by hewing them" I said through gritted teeth. Dorian grinned.

"It is why I offered, my girl"

I dropped my fork and crossed my arms "Do not harm them. It would only complicate matters"

"Speaking of my father's boots" Dorian quickly changed the subject "The dwarf reappears"

If Bianca was not involved I would have peered up to look at him. Instead, I kept staring at my plate. Maybe it would stop my heart from splitting in two. So Varric was too nervous to show his physical affection to me, but he could with Bianca? I did not want to know what that meant.

"Oh, scratch that last. He's gone to sit with Commander Cullen"

"You're joking" I gasped. I looked up, and sure enough Varric was speaking to Cullen from the other side of the room. He had his back to me. Cullen caught my eye, but I looked back down at my plate.

_Why is Varric doing this? _

Dorian rubbed the space between my shoulder blades.

"You're in a monster of a pickle, aren't you Cassandra? This would be a wonderful opportunity to kick him" Dorian said.

I rubbed my temples with my hands. If Varric wants to avoid me, why should I care?!

"Even if you kicked him, it wouldn't change how he feels" I strained, and I could hear my throat tearing apart. Why did I have to love Varric? My plate started to shake, and I realized it was because my arms were the cause. "He picked her! I know he did!"

Dorian seemed at a loss for words. He stopped moving his hand. It just rest in my back. I felt another hand squeeze my shoulder. It wasn't Dorian's.

"Lady Cassandra, is Dorian causing you trouble?"

Josephine. Thank the Maker! I covered my face in my hands.

"No. If you believe in miracles of the Divine, Josephine: Dorian was being a proper gentleman"

"A _proper_ gentleman?" Dorian reiterated "You're too generous, Cassandra"

"What has occurred to make you so…. cantankerous?" Josephine asked. I could tell by her tone she suspected the dwarf. She sat on my other side "My apologies – that is, I am only assuming you want to discuss it?"

I shook my head "Do not strain yourself, Josephine. There is no magic potion which can rewrite the situation"

Josephine seemed confused. Dorian answered her question for me.

"There's no way to say this lightly, Ambassador. Varric – err – unleashed his lustfulness… on the _other_ girl"

"The other girl" Josephine seemed confused "Ah, yes, the rescue operation. You cannot know this for certain. He might have been… rightfully confused"

"Bianca's cries of physical joy have only been matched by our own Inquisitor"

If I was looking, Josephine would have blushed.

"How did you retrieve this information?" she gasped. Dorian chuckled. He removed his hand from my back.

"I have keen ears as well as a watchful eye" he said knowingly "I offered to rip Varric's mouth from his ears. I wonder if that's enough torture for his immoralities?"

_Varric_, I wanted to say, _why did you lie to me?_

"I think I will go to bed" I said. I pushed my plate away "Do you want more, Josephine?"

Josephine's eyes widened. She looked very worried "Cassandra, you must eat. It is crucial. You will not be able to think straight"

"Food won't make any difference to that" I said disgruntled. Dorian had gone quiet.

"You cannot afford to jump to conclusions" Josephine said hurriedly "Varric appears to be – how do I say? - emotionally assiduous. It may be he just has a lot on his mind. It would be wise to give him time"

"Let's consider your idea. If Varric wanted me, why is he avoiding me?" I demanded. My eyes must be terrifying, because it seemed to take the table by surprise. Josephine shook her head. It was clear this was not her area of expertise.

"I cannot say. I can only imagine he is…"

"Imaginings are as useful in this situation as Dorian without magic" I said "He wants her. That much is clear. I am going to leave now"

I got out of my seat and stormed away. Dorian protested.

"She may not be very articulate, b-but the Ambassador has a point, Cassandra!"

_No. Varric's decision couldn't have been made clearer,_ I thought.

* * *

><p>As I bashed through door after door, I imagined I was punching him. Bianca was his decision. It had been that way from the beginning. This walk to my quarters past the dimly lit Skyhold corridors was something which usually brought forth a comfortable feeling. Heading to bed after a nice meal, and tired legs was an immense relief. Here, it was like the corridors had changed in appearance. They were distorted enemies behind my back. All the nice feelings were gone – there was only rage.<p>

Memories of the last couple of months flooded into my brain. Our kisses at the dance party, our angry kisses when we were drunk in Skyhold, holding a damaged Varric with my wet body, the teasing at Crestwood – how I promised I'd never date him. How terribly I had lied.

I climbed up to the battlements and rest my arms on the cold, stony ledge. I had rarely stopped here before. It was dark now. Some glints of orange reflected the lawn from lanterns, making it look like the Fallow Mire. It gave a summery air and smell – of earth and the stone bricks. The air was the middle point between cool and warm – refreshing and homely. I wiped my eyes and gripped my sword. Tomorrow I'd ask the Inquisitor for the most difficult mission available. I didn't want to be near Varric. I never wanted to look at his stupid grinning face again. I was truly the worst kind of fool – the idealistic one in love.

_You were a fool for tempting me_, I remembered me telling Varric. He was mad at me too then, like he wanted to dislocate my jaw. The angry kisses… that is what I would do if I was with him. Punch him, and then kiss him. That was most frustrating of all. Tears fell down my face. I buried my head in my arms.

"Why can't I hate you, Varric?" I sobbed, not knowing who I was talking to "Why can't I just kick you like you deserve"

"_I_ would kick him for you, Lady Pentaghast" Commander Cullen's voice entered my ears "but that would require me to be mad at him as well"

I gasped and looked up at him. Cullen was in his armor again. He looked physically healthy, but his eyes were sunken. It was strange to see him in this light. It brought back memories of our bickering session outside a snow covered Haven.

"How are your withdrawal symptoms today, Commander?" I asked him. I stared out over the Skyhold gardens "Does the open air treat you well?"

"They are reasonable, Seeker" Cullen nodded. He put his arms on the stone ledge and stared out to where I was looking "I may be deluding myself, but I think the worst of it is over. Bian… the _other girl_ put that in perspective for me"

My ability to change the subject faltered.

"I don't want to talk about her!" I yelled. Cullen laughed.

"You're right. I'm sorry. Let's just enjoy the view, shall we?"

We did, although not for as long as I would have liked. I was never one for admiring the scenery – I was also plotting and devising strategies in my head. This new wave of anger brought on more of my irrational side. Skyhold at night was beautiful. It was a shame emotions had to ruin it. The sparkling orange pillars and the blackened gardens shook as my body did.

"If I commanded you, would you kick Varric?" I asked. Cullen smiled.

"I would do whatever you asked, but I don't think that is what you _really_ want to do"

_No,_ I admitted_, I want to angrily kiss him instead_.

What kind of mad woman had I become?

"It makes no difference" I said disgruntled "I am not the one he wants"

"But he _does_ want you" Cullen corrected me "He made the bashful effort of incoherently telling me a few minutes ago, as a matter of fact. It was inexplicably funny"

He chuckled to himself at the memory. My shaking suddenly vanished "_Varric_ talked to you?"

"I know. I am very scary in my armour, but at least the ladies seem to like it" Cullen flexed his arm to try and make me laugh. I smiled.

"W-What…" I faltered "Do you think it wise to relay the message?"

"Oh, very wise." Cullen nodded "You'd be making a mistake to stop me"

"I see" I looked back at my hands. They did not want violence today. "What did he say?"

"He told me in too many words… Firstly, he wanted to make sure you wouldn't cry"

"_That_ didn't work" I noted. Cullen smiled.

"The more important detail was he advised me that Bianca and he were no longer 'an official item' as he puts it"

This hit me like a ton of bricks, and suddenly I had more questions than I did before.

"Do you know where he went?" I asked Cullen.

"To my knowledge he is in his room" Cullen said thoughtfully "but as to whether he would be willing to speak to you… I am unable to say"

"Thank you for updating me on the situation, Commander" I nodded "I will see you in the morning"

"It has been a long day. Longer than most" Cullen agreed.

I started to walk past him "You are a good friend, Cullen"

"As are you, Lady Pentaghast"

* * *

><p>I strode to Varrics room with as much power and length I could manage. The corridors whirled past like the chaotic middle of the battlefield. It could have been the moments before rescuing Bianca all over again, but the intention was much different. I knocked on the door a lot harder than what I intended to. There was no answer at first.<p>

"Varric, please open the door" I asked him. I knocked again. There was a groan.

"Varric!" I demanded again. i didn't mean to, but I kicked the door in annoyance.

Finally, there were footsteps.

"Cassandra, I'm sorry. I'm really not in the mood to play catch up"

"But I am!" I called, pressing my ear against the door. Anything to hear his voice. "I understand that you do not want to talk about it, but you cannot leave me with _nothing! _I'll seek out Leliana if you force me to do so"

Varric sighed and opened the door.

"You're right, Cassandra" He looked tired "I know I've been all kinds of stupid the past few days. Come in"

_Finally_! I thought, pleased to be in Varric's brightly lit room again. I took my favourite place on the floor. Varric sat down on his bed.

"Before you bombard me with a Champion of Kirkwall style interrogation, there's something I really can't leave behind"

"If I know the answer, I will tell you"

"That decision you made regarding Bianca's father" Varric began "I don't think I need to tell you I didn't like it"

"That was a complicated circumstance" I said "He would have escaped if we left him any longer. There was too much risk"

"But _Cassandra_!" Varric groaned "His information would have saved me many sleepless nights – maybe my whole life"

"From the information I uncovered about him, there was a high chance he would either be dishonest or simply have found a way to trick you"

"He _said_ he was going to tell me"

"People are not that transparent, Varric. Alden did not inform your father or your brother of his reasoning – why did you deceive yourself into thinking you would be any different? He came to kill you. Do not be a fool. He was taking advantage of your emotional susceptibility"

Varric rubbed the bridge of his nose "I suppose you have a point – _again_. The part of me that gives people the benefit of the doubt wanted to believe he wasn't all lose nails"

"I doubt he had a decent reason – if he had a reason at all. Either way, it would have ended the same. It is best to leave it alone"

"Oh, so you're _not_ the reckless murderer you make yourself out to be?"

"I do _think_ about these things" I noted.

Varric smiled "You think a lot faster than me, then. I'm all about the reaction time"

I smiled "Some would say those two qualities complement each other"

Varric surprisingly blushed, then he sighed "Yeah, yeah… anyway, I suppose you want to hear about your arch nemesis"

Varric picked up a draft piece of paper on his desk and toss it aside.

"If it won't prove too challenging"

"Oh, it is" Varric smiled, and he sat down at his desk "More than you know"

I had a hundred questions, maybe more, but I understood the delicacy required here. I lay back and crossed my arms.

"Say what you are able"

Varric went quiet. He brought his hand to his mouth for a second. He moved it back to his chin.

"Technically, Bianca and I haven't been together since she got married. Let's just say we're even less together now than before"

_How less together is that_? I wondered.

He looked at me, intently. 'What would Cassandra say?' is what his eyes said. I said nothing.

"If you can believe my crazy stories… Bianca actually thought you were an able match to my insanity"

I lost my composure. I forgot about being quiet.

"Bianca did what?"

"She said I should be with you and not her" Varric reiterated "I thought most people would be happy to hear that?"

"This is suspicious of her. I do not believe it" my eyes narrowed "She did not seem mentally unstable at the time?"

"Not at all. If anything,_ I_ was unable to think straight" Varric gulped "Maybe a proposal on my part had something to do with the certainty of her answer"

Flames alit in my eyes and I did not care for rationalization. I grabbed the nearest item I could reach – an empty bottle of scotch - and threw it Varric's face. He stood off his chair and jumped out of the way. The glass shattered against the wall behind him and tumbled onto the ground in loud tinkers. Varric looked surprised, but he didn't talk. He just stared at me.

"You! I can't believe! Varric!"

I spat as I spoke, words broken and incsoherent.

"I know. I'm an asshole, right?" Varric said. I got up on my feet and stormed toward him.

"No. I wanted you to have your fairy tale" I said.

Varric stepped back into his desk. I was towering over him. Our height differences had never been so satisfying. "I do not appreciate the lack of warning beforehand about this!"

"I…" Varric gulped. He looked at my chest, unsure where else to look "I didn't realize until I saw her that I wanted to"

"You!" I raised a fist, and I pushed Varric's desk instead "This situation is more complicated than trying to climb a mountain in the Hinderlands"

"She said no, anyway! I thought you wanted to help" Varric yelled, getting very defensive. I grabbed Varric's face and bored into him.

"I knew you'd pick her. Why do you think I cry about you?"

"I didn't think crying was a regular occurrence for you" Varric grumbled

"No! The fact I cry at all should crack your thick skull" I said "I… I am being rash – I know – I just thought it would be nice to have a fairy tale as well"

I kicked Varric's desk, not really sure how to express my frustration.

"You can't. That would require you to be a fairy" Varric pointed out.

"Shut up!" I snarled "I would have probably punched you if Bianca had agreed!"

"You don't need a reason to punch me. You can do it any time" Varric smiled "Just make sure it's part of a role play or something, alright?"

"ARGGHHH"

I kicked the chair Varric had been sitting on. It fell to the ground. Varric smiled.

"I think Bianca would have personally appointed you as our mistress. Would that have made it better?"

"Do not rank me as conceited…. as proletarian as a common prostitute!" I shouted. Varric laughed.

"Why not? That way you'd get money _and_ me – did I mention my family is filthy rich?"

"GAH!"

I shook Varric's shoulders. There wasn't much else to kick or throw. Two annoyed at Varric noises within the space of five minutes – it was a personal record. Varric fluttered his eyes at me.

"Will you be my mistress _now_, dear Seeker? Before I go travelling… a humble rogue needs something to keep him on the road"

"You were _just with_ Bianca! I am not stupid, Varric. You are a pig. I do not want her smell on me" I blushed "Even if you were not trying to flounder in your luck, you do not want me to be your whore. It would be most unpalatable"

"Really?" Varric ran a hand down my arm "Just how disgusting are we talking?"

"So awful and foul Bianca would kick me out of your Estate"

"I don't think you know Bianca" Varric chuckled "Fine. The door is over there. I'll see you in a months' time, I suppose"

"What? Where are you going?" I asked. Varric scratched the back of his head.

"Bianca makes me pretty dumb. I need to recuperate the stray pieces of my mind. That way I'll be the perfect gentleman when I come back – less a pig, at any rate. The Inquisitor said the operation leaves tomorrow – the Storm Coast has some red lyrium deposits I would love to disintegrate. There are some more rifts too"

"That can't take a month. The Inquisition needs to restock"

"I'll go visit Hawke in Hightown afterward" Varric said "Maybe I'll visit my brother, chill in the Hanged Man. I need a break, anyhow"

"Does the Inquisitor know?"

"The Inquisitor suggested I take a month and not 2 weeks like I originally suggested"

Varric's room was more intimidating and less welcoming with the thought of its occupant not being inside. The chairs were like wolves lurking in a far off cave. The paint on the walls was the steady drip of a broken tap. The desk would pile with dust and his bed would cease to smell of him. This meld my heart despondent. I had been through this entire Bianca rescue operation in order to spend more time with this officious Tethras dwarf. It seems it was not yet the moment to rejoice. Varric's eyes were more than guilty, joking or complacent. He appeared like he had in the library – carefully discerning each movement, absorbing every inch of my skin. I _did_ want him, but I despised the thought of satisfying his ego. Fertilizing Varric's self-conceitedness was asinine as willingly bolting a dragon free from its castle. Everything about Varric enticed me, for less logical rationale with every stubbed body part. An essay for the Inquisitor couldn't put into words the depravity of his existence. He was like a little flame for one of the corridor lanterns. Such a tiny spark could barely illuminate a room. Not completely, or even prettily, but enough to guide your way to your room in the dark. He was as galvanizing to me as The Herald of Andraste had been to the Haven villagers. The tone in my voice did not do justice to the hurt and tumult of my next sentimentality.

"I will miss you" I said. In the back of my mind, I wished Cole could make Varric pick up on my feelings. Varric smiled.

"Write me." He winked. Disdain plagued his usual upbeat structure "I'm not sure I'll ever get over her, Cassandra"

"How is that different to how you normally are?" I asked. It could have been a tease, but I was entirely serious.

"Yes, yes…" Varric seemed worn out. He pulled me down by the collar and kissed me on the cheek "See you next time then, Cassandra"

I couldn't let him leave! But I knew I had to… I grabbed Varric's hands and squeezed them.

"This is so sudden. I have no words"

Varric saw the look in my eyes and recognized it. Did he see everything, or only surface chatter?

"That's alright, Seeker"

I almost wanted him to call me 'Seeker' again, just so I could be reminded the past few months had not been for nothing.

It was like in the library. My terror was silenced by his emotional generosity. He hugged me, and I held him back. My brain would not accurately be able to recall how warm he was. I had to hunch over to do so, but I was used to it by now. My thigh muscles would get all the stronger from constantly bending them!

"Look after Bianca for me, will you? I want her friends list to extend beyond Royans"

"That will be easy" I said. Varric pulled away. He led me to the door. I went. It did not feel strange – and yet it was a sad, natural occurrence, like the leaves falling in autumn, or the destruction of flowers in winter. Even now, the me who adored a romantic goodbye would not stand to the occasion. I could only watch like a prisoner in an ancient temple – breaking free was out of the question unless I wanted to disrupt destiny's balance.

"I will be very upset if you die, Varric" I said. I placed a hand on his head.

"You're the big worrier now. I'll ask for help before that happens" Varric smiled. He pulled me down the collar and did what I could not. I shut my eyes. Varric kissed my lips for the last time for a month "Take care. I'll come retrieve crossbow Bianca from you in the morning"

The gentle shut of his door may has well been a slap in the face.

When I returned to my room, I burst into angry tears before restlessly fading into sleep.


	34. Chapter 34

"Bianca" I knocked on her door "Are you inside?"

"Give me a moment!"

There was the pitter patter of small steps and Bianca appeared in the doorway. She was wearing a lilac dress too big for her, but it still looked nice on her regardless. It was the first day without Varric – I had managed to go half the day without approaching Bianca, but Varric insisted I take care of her, so I could not delay any longer.

"You could not go home to retrieve more clothes, I am guessing?" I smiled. Bianca grinned.

"Not yet – I'll just be borrowing some of Leliana's and Josephine's. It doesn't suit me, does it?"

"It suits you well" I nodded. Bianca's room smelt strangely of roses, but I knew she couldn't have brought any back with her. Bianca sat in a chair in the corner and gestured to her bed.

"Please sit. How can I be of assistance?"

I considered how to best phrase my question as I stepped inside.

"I am wondering how you are… given recent digressions"

Bianca looked uncomfortable "I knew this talk was going to happen eventually. What would you like to know? How much did Varric tell you?"

"Not a lot" I admitted "That you turned down his proposal. Dorian told me that… uh, he heard your bed sounds"

Bianca coughed loudly. Maybe it was to hide her nervousness.

"You didn't come to murder me, did you?"

"No. I beat Varric up enough to make up for it"

Bianca laughed "Thanks for doing what I couldn't"

Her giggle ebbed away and i looked at my fingers.

I paused "Was turning him down difficult?"

"What a stupid question – YES. Of course! But it had to be done"

"Varric told me you recommended me"

Bianca sighed "He's right. Even if he hadn't met you I'm not sure I would have married him, anyway. It isn't either one of our faults; I think we just got a crap hand of cards"

"I wouldn't assume such things" I said "_I _believed you and Varric could have been happy together"

"That means a lot to have _you_ say that, of all people!" Bianca smiled "I suppose I've turned pessimistic over the years. We'll still write to each other and stuff. Maybe I should just fantasize about the turn of events without you. Maybe I could have been in a wedding dress with him"

I blushed "I didn't mean to like Varric. I hate that I love him most hours"

"That's part and parcel of it. Kind of makes it fun" Bianca grinned "There was no competition. You have longer legs than me, anyhow"

"Uh…" I went quiet. Surely over a decade of memories meant more than having long legs? Bianca laughed at my reaction. I changed the subject

"If you have become pessimistic, do you think you'll stop looking for love?"

"I met some of Cullen's recruits today, offering new additions to their swords. A small handful has their eye on me. Cullen tells me _two_ of them aren't utter slime"

I laughed "Perhaps you can get a pair of long legs too"

"You're a lot funnier than you let off" Bianca grinned. She looked dutifully at her feet "I'd grab Cullen, if the Inquisitor hadn't already claimed him"

I wasn't sure how to comment. The thought of little Bianca with Cullen was confusing at best.

"I would be cautious if I were you" I began "You must be shaken after this lunacy"

"All the more reason for a distraction, yeah?" Bianca smiled "Cullen made me realize maybe dabbing my toes in a lake of Templars may not be a bad idea"

Our talk went on for a little while. We wandered off outside.

"Do you think you'll return to Val Royeaux?" I asked "There are probably riches waiting for you"

"When the Inquisition is done, sure. You lot have grown on me"

* * *

><p>The few days without Varric felt twice as long. I tried to resume my old mindset toward the Inquisition, but the part of my brain which had latched onto Varric ever desired his cheeky laugh. Word was Bianca would be helping the merchants construct more weaponry. It seemed a suitable position as any. Leliana still had to hear from her agents.<p>

* * *

><p>I heard word from Varric a week later at the War Table, trying to do smaller tasks that did not require the Inquisitor. I peered up at Josephine, Leliana, Morrigan and Cullen.<p>

"May I?"

"Get out of here, you lustrous woman" Morrigan jeered. I smiled.

"Thank you"

* * *

><p>My One and Only SeekerCassandra

This lyrium business is seriously giving me the creeps. Cole said he could feel its 'essence' – said it probably tastes like jelly. And I was starting to think the kid had his head on straight.

It's cold down on the Storm Coast, but you know that, right? It hasn't changed. If anything it is probably colder because I'm without your strong muscly arms! That is my attempt at being romantic. Is it working?

I'll write to Bianca as well so you don't need to gossip back and forth… but you're girls. You'll probably contrast and compare notes to plot against me. I promise I haven't been backstabbing either of you! Maybe Bianca just a little ;-)

How is Skyhold? Give Curly a punch from me.

I really appreciate you coming to talk to me after dinner before I left – being the cowardly mess I am I probably wouldn't have said a word otherwise. I know… the red lyrium may as well consume me.

Can I send you kisses via ink? I'll do it anyway. We'll be at the storm coast by the time you get this so just send it back that way.

Kiss kiss

Varric Tethras

I grabbed some parchment and a quill from the war room and quickly responded.

* * *

><p>The next letter came over a week later in Val Royeaux. I had agreed to help Josephine with some assassins who were after her parents. I wiped some blood off my sleeves.<p>

Sweet Cassandra

Good to know you and Bianca haven't devoured each other in jealousy. It is nice to know you are keeping an eye on her… you are probably miles better than I ever was at that. Has the food at Skyhold miraculously improved in my absence? It must be boring doing that War Table shit. I gave up providing input five minutes into the first meeting.

Bianca says she made Curly uncomfortable with her drunk flirting one night and now he finds it (apparently) hard to talk to her. Can you provide any truth to this? I thought she was getting friendly with Templars?

Maybe you could smooth him over?

We're done with the red lyrium crap. About time! I can't wait to get to Hightown. I'll be there by the time you get this. Address your next letter to Bartrand's Estate – I've written the address on the back of this page.

I've been thinking bad things about you, Seeker. Don't get yourself killed!

Varric Tethras

The Inquisition returned to Skyhold a couple of days later. I replied to the letter then. I managed to go on a short exhibition with the to an Elven Temple to retrieve a the broken pieces of a blade. There were hushed whispers of our next move against Corypheus, but we needed enough influence, training and information first. I got my last letter from Varric over a week later when I returned to Skyhold.

* * *

><p>Naughty, Teasing Cassandra<p>

I promise, I will kill you… it's hard to believe it's _you_ writing these letters sometimes. Where the hell did you get your teasing talent from? Not the Chantry, surely?

Hightown is surprisingly great. Bartrand has only pissed me off a few times. I've been telling stories of Bianca to my Hanged Man mates. It is nice to get the word out at least. I thought it would feel… more explosive for some reason? Some ladies have requested I base a romance serial on it. I'm not sure it's exciting enough… what do you think? Maybe I should embellish the parts where I am a procrastinating coward?

Yeah, I don't know why I'm surprised. Bianca got her crazy confidence through _me_! Thanks for making Curly see straight. I'm sure you already know but Bianca told me she kind of _liked_ him? Makes me wonder what she saw in me… I'm the opposite of that stuttering cavalier!

Thanks for updating me about the Carta. One less mob who wants to kill me is a good sign. I hope I can see Bianca again before she goes home. Stop her, will you?

Funny you ask about the song I was humming when we rescued Bianca. I wrote it about her, drunk one night in the Hanged Man with the help of the musician Kelcie. Feels like a lifetime ago – I can't remember when I did it. Before I met the Champion of Kirkwall. While I'm getting used to sharing the story, why don't I make you the second outside myself to know the words? You should be able to put the tune to words nicely.

Where, oh, where have you been my love?  
>Where, oh, where can you be?<br>It's been so long, since the moon has gone.  
>and oh what a wreck you've made me<p>

Are you there, over the ocean?  
>Are you there, up in the sky?<br>Until the return of my love  
>This lullaby<p>

My Hope is on the horizon  
>Every face, it's your eyes I can see<br>I plead, I pray through each night and day  
>Our embrace is only a dream.<p>

And as sure as days come from moments  
>Each hour becomes a life's time<br>When she'd left, I'd only begun this lullaby

Can you believe I was drunk? It will be weird to sing this about you now!

I am not literally dying to see you, but close. Bianca won that award already. I am pleased to say I am more my unwelcoming, macho self. Hopefully you'll be able to tell. I imagine I'll grace your shores again soon after you get this.

Lots of love

Varric Tethras

I smiled. It had been a busy month, but Bianca's company strangely replaced what chattiness Varric would have provided. I liked hearing about Varric through her - and Bianca seemed to as well. I suppose not focusing on trauma is helpful with the healing process. She gets bad break downs like Cullen does, but she has plenty of support. I managed a lot better knowing a new letter would be coming soon, even though I secretly pined for Varric in the back of my mind. Maybe this is how Bianca and Varric had felt their whole relationship.

I have no idea how they did it.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> Yep, short chapter. The last chapter is the next one!

I looked far and wide to find the perfect Bianca song - I found This Lullaby by Queens of the Stone Age. Look up the cover by Joel Brooks on Youtube - its perfect! Sounds like something Varric would write, and something you'd hear in the Hanged Man, yes? I love it! Please review!


	35. Chapter 35

I was sparring in my usual spot on the lawn when Varric returned.

"Hello there, beautiful" he said.

"Varric!"

I almost elbowed him as I spun around with my sword.

"Hey, don't give me another black eye, Cassandra"

I stumbled over my own feet and clumsily dropped my sword in shock. I was not hallucinating. He was the same old Varric – the malicious, handsome joker way too short for me. Blood stains splattered his clothes, but he was otherwise healthy. He had his hands in his pockets. Crossbow Bianca was safely on his back – where she should be!

"You didn't _really_ think I'd die out there, did you?" Varric grinned. I hugged him, almost lifting him off the ground or crushing his ribs – I couldn't decide. Varric groaned, but I did not mind my bosom was blocking his nose. It was an overdue punishment!

"I thought of you every day" I sighed breathlessly "I even got told off for losing my concentration!"

"I inflicted the wounds I intended" Varric smiled maliciously. I let go of him as I let a hand run through his hair.

"Are you well? Did you enjoy dishonouring your crossbow?" I teased. Varric shuffled his feet.

"Not nearly as much as I'll like dishonouring _you_" he smiled.

I laughed airily and kicked Varric behind the knees. He staggered.

"You might depart for another month, Varric. I'm not convinced your ego has recovered"

Varric glared at me.

"You know I could never do that"

Varric almost made me trip over with how he grabbed my collar and pulled me down to kiss me. It was better than I imagined. I supposed I'd forgotten what his kisses felt like – how relaxing yet invigorating they were. Just the concept of Varric taking control of my clothing made me catch alight – a flame slowly creeping down the wick to a bomb. Fear struck my heart as well as the want and love.

There was the sound of someone clearing their throat. I pulled away from Varric, a faint pink to my cheeks.

"I-Inquisitor!" I said loudly. The Inquisitor chuckled.

"I didn't mean to interrupt, but I wanted to inform you of our next move before you get too tangled in each other"

"I wasn't 'tangled', only distracted" I protested. Varric snorted. I didn't bother to ask what he meant.

"Morrigan is doing the last of her research. We will be able to travel to the Arbour Wilds in a few days… everyone will be going, but would you like to enter the temple with me?"

"If that's what you would like" I said. The Inquisitor smiled.

"Yes, then. Varric?"

"I'm not letting Cassandra steal all the temple glory for herself"

"It will be tough. Corypheus has power beyond what we know, but I trust in our team. I trust in you. We can do it"

"Thank you, Inquisitor. I'll make sure to rest adequately and fully" I said.

"Have a little fun, too" the Inquisitor winked "Otherwise there isn't much point"

I avoided Varric's eye due to embarrassment. I felt him hold onto my hand.

"We better listen to the Inquisitor, right Seeker?" he said jokingly.

I smiled.

"I'll leave you to it, then" The Inquisitor's footsteps "Enjoy yourselves"

Fun. Did that always have to mean being one in body? Not that it wasn't something I wanted, it just seemed amusing how much of a sexual vibe the Inquisition held. Were we all slaves to our emotions? Varric kissed my hand. His eyes were sultry and lustrous.

"I'll see you at dinner, Seeker"

I somehow got the sense 'sexual tension' and 'Seeker' now had a unified meaning.

"I'll even let you sit with me this time"

"I was waiting to hear you say that!"

I smiled as Varric left, too absorbed with my bafflement of the Inquisition to speak. Was the worst of our fights going to truly end soon? This was both hopeful and terrifying. I made a mental note to stop by Bianca's workshop before heading for food.

* * *

><p>"ARGHHH"<p>

"S-Sorry … Pentaghast"

There was no way Varric's hands were on my shoulders. I spun around.

"C-Commander?" I gasped. Cullen looked like he was having withdrawal symptoms, but there was no way he could be so articulate. I had been on the way to Bianca's workshop through a corridor, but it seemed the Maker did not plan for me to speak to her yet. Cullen was heaving for breath. He grabbed hold of my shoulders again now I was facing him.

"Talk… now…" he commanded.

The good thing about Skyhold is that the Inquisitor hadn't yet decided what the purpose of half the rooms were. I looked around, and found one a good couple of meters away. Cullen almost ran into the room after me, like he was escaping a demon. I locked it.

"You seem occupied, Commander" I began, slowly, trying to maintain my air of professionalism. I had been at the War Table the past few hours taking in more information about the Arbor Wilds.

"_Occupied_ is putting it lightly" Cullen said, resting his arm against a bookshelf. He had recovered "I've had a rather alarming run in with the devil. She is a lot shorter than I imagined. Far sneakier. It makes me wish I had Templar powers back. Sweep her under the rug and be done with it"

I tried to picture the Inquisitor in my mind, but being Dalish I often noticed her markings more than her height.

"I was not aware the Inquisitor was short, Commander" I said briskly "Is everything… in order?"

"No!" Cullen breathed "No – absolutely not, Cassandra. I'm not talking about the Inquisitor. I wish I could say I was!"

Cullen caught eyes with mine, and I knew instantly the truth.

"I'm referring to –" he shuddered at the name, whispered it like it was dark magic "Bianca"

"Bianca" I repeated, the words not making sense in my head "You were talking about Bianca. Bianca is a … dwarf"

"No, Cassandra! Your logic is for once, dreadfully flawed! Bianca's the devil! She's mad, I tell you!" Cullen roared. I sniggered. Perhaps dwarfs were the definition of insanity by default.

"What did she do?" I asked. Cullen turned red. He looked down at the floor.

"S-She…" he took a deep breath.

"Did she castrate you? No other wrongdoing requires your reaction" I suggested. Cullen stared at me with puppy dog eyes.

"Cassandra…" he moaned "No, she didn't _castrate_ me. It _feels_ like she did, though"

I crossed my arms "Your armour appears to be in one piece"

"Yes. Thankfully" a dark expression loomed over his features "Only just"

"What did Bianca do?"

It made me feel powerful to refer to her by her name, instead of 'the other girl'. It seemed like a distant memory – now her subtitle was 'the other girl who is my good friend and ex to my lover'.

"She… I cannot say it any better – but she _defiled_ me, Pentaghast"

"She _physically_ defiled you then?" I queried, getting more confused by the second. Cullen seemed to calm down. His voice evened out.

"Yes" He stood up and brought fists to his sides. "She has paws as vicious –unforgiving- as a rogue Mabari"

"I thought that evening in the bar had been resolved?" I asked "She said it was an accident"

Cullen's jaw dropped, but he closed it quickly. He approached me, and was standing so close I could feel his breath. It was as though he didn't want to be overheard, even though we were locked in a room that was rarely used.

"This was no _accident_, Cassandra. Bianca – she… she…" he was clearly struggling "the dwarf kissed me!"

My eyes widened "When did this happen?"

"Just then, Cassandra!" Cullen said exasperated "Just _then_! She came to visit me in my office but wouldn't leave me alone. She said one of my soldiers was harassing her. I know what they're like – rowdy, at times. I said 'oh, that's fine, Bianca. Let me talk to him', but she wouldn't let me leave. She said it brought back bad memories – 'oh, no problem' I said – here I was thinking she was innocent! – 'I'll let you stay until you calm down'. So she did. I was reading my papers, doing a report. She sat in the corner like a good girl. 'This is no problem' I thought. What a fool I was! I wasn't looking at what she was doing! But every time I glanced up – just to see how she was faring - she was edging ever closer – a snake! A malicious wild thing! She makes The Inquisitor look like fluffy clouds. I tried not to notice. I said 'Could I get you anything, Bianca?'. She shook her head. She smiled very warmly. I thought 'She is just being polite. She must want something. No matter. Work to do'. Well… I do not need to say. She did not end up telling me! And then when I looked up next she was right in front of my face – sitting on my desk like she had the chair. Maker, I must have feet for ears! Useless things!"

"Varric would love to hear this story" I grinned. Cullen gasped.

"No – Cassandra, you mustn't! He would have my head"

"I seriously doubt it" I smiled "He would more likely find it interesting"

'Please don't Cassandra, I implore you" Cullen begged.

"I'm not going to tell Varric, Cullen. I am not that immoral" I still couldn't help smiling at the thought "What happened next?"

"She…" Cullen rubbed his brow "Bianca was very kind, orderly even. She said 'good luck with the rest of your paperwork, Commander. I am feeling better now. I can deal with the soldier myself'. Before I could ask if she had made the entire story up she disappeared! Right out the door her little feet went. Now I am in another predicament because of this Varric fiasco! I want to blame you, Cassandra, but I know that is sacrilegious"

"I find my own feelings for Varric to be profane, but that did not stop them from occurring"

"Are you trying to imply that I…." Cullen's eyes widened "I do not _like_ Bianca! I hardly know her"

"You seem to know her better than anyone else, minus Varric" I noted. Cullen racked his head. He started to pace.

"Yes, but that's not _my_ fault. I was just trying to help _you_"

"That does not matter" I said firmly "Bianca has made it clear she likes _you_, and _you_ have to decide what to do about it"

"I can't do that – I have so many other things to occupy my head at present" Cullen breathed, and he kicked the bookshelf, quickly stifling the rocking with his hand "How did Varric cope?"

I walked up to Cullen and leaned against the book shelf. My legs were tiring me.

"How are things with the Inquisitor?"  
>"G-Good" Cullen said slowly "We haven't seen each other much because of The Inquisition – but that's to be expected. We will get to see more of each other after this Corypheus madness is through"<p>

"That is normal" I said quickly "How are your experiences when you are with her?"

"Wonderful" Cullen smiled "Truly inspiring. I love her"

"Bianca might as well have said she loved you" I pointed out "What would you say?"

"I can't think about that!" Cullen groaned "I'm with the _Inquisitor_, Cassandra! Do you know what she would say?"

"No. What would she say?"

"She'd…" Cullen hung his head "She would probably understand. Wait, what am I saying? What does this mean? I can't have feelings for Bianca!"

"Yes, you very well can" I said, and I grabbed his shoulders "Snap out of it, Commander. I know you care for her. You have seen Bianca at her weakest. How does that make you feel?"

"Feelings" Cullen scoffed "Why do they matter during war and suffering?"

"Because it matters to Bianca" I said slowly. I was beginning to feel like I was soothing a baby "You must see reason. What do you think this is like for her?"

"She's recently widowed, broken up with Varric… she's just desperate, she can't…"

"It is not that simple, Commander!"

I slapped Cullen across the face. I was surprised by my own daring. Cullen's eyes popped, but then he seemed to settle.

"You're right. I am a fool"

If we were in his office this would have been the time when Cullen resumed his place behind his desk. Instead he paced for a moment, and as though he realized his desk was not there, he hid his face in his hands.

"I never liked dwarfs. I'm not going to start now" he said under his breath "they are just so _short_"

"Yes, and I am tall"

Cullen sniggered, but I didn't know what about.

"Do not misinterpret me. She _is_ a sweet girl… if devil's can be named such things' Cullen said. A faint smile curled his lips.

"What will you tell Bianca?" I repeated. Cullen sighed.

"There is no reason to leave the Inquisitor without fair sense. Maybe, yes, Bianca has charmed me in a way the Inquisitor cannot. Her trauma makes me feel very safe. Is it mad to admit such a thing? In her personality flaws I find a Haven of pleasant memories. She is like a little, elusive sparkle of energy. The Inquisitor can be sympathetic to my woes, and the withdrawal is not so bad now, but it is not the same as having a person who has been through a similar pain"

"It is almost as though she brings out a more _honest_ you, Commander" I noted. Cullen still had a small smile on his face.

"Yes, I suppose that makes sense. It is foolishness"

"It is"

"I will tell Bianca to wait until the Inquisition is over. That might take another couple of months now, that's only if we're lucky. It will give her more time to grieve… and think. I'll see if her feelings change. If they do not, I will think more seriously about how I feel. It is not the time to do so now. That is what I will tell her"

I was shocked by Cullen's sudden ability to organize his thoughts.

"Are things with the Inquisitor a concern?" I asked. Cullen grinned.

"The sad thing is no" Cullen said. He seemed to find the answer within himself. "In fact, they are as wonderful as I said. Bianca just makes me feel… _Honest_ is the word you used – I like it. Like a new sense of freedom and ease. I don't know if that is a 'like' you are describing, but it is important enough to me to consider her feelings seriously… once I have the ability to"

This new revelation from Commander Cullen made dinner an interesting affair.

* * *

><p>"Took you long enough to get here" Varric grinned. He was already half way through his plate. Bianca was sitting next to him.<p>

"I almost told Varric to wait until his food went cold" Bianca smiled. I sat down as the steamy plate warmed my cold face "what took you?"

"Commander Cullen had to update me on the state of a delicate situation. It was urgent, he said"

I caught eyes with Bianca, and she looked politely curious.

"What urgent situation is this?" Bianca enquired.

"It is not interesting enough to discuss over dinner" I said "How has your day been, Varric?"

I could tell by Bianca's watchful eyes is that she _did_ consider my story interesting enough for dinner, but she did not corner me until afterward.

* * *

><p>Bianca pulled me into a side room, one which was mostly used as a closet. I ducked so I didn't hit my head.<p>

"He _told you_, didn't he?" She hissed.

I nodded. Bianca groaned.

"That overly attractive, stuttering, Commander!" she cursed, and she kicked a cleaning bucket.

"Shhh" I pat Bianca awkwardly on the head "Be still and safe. Cullen will speak to you soon"

Bianca's eyes widened. She lift up her dress – one of Josephine's judging by the gold "You're right – I need to run far and wide to escape his threatening biceps! See you, Cassandra!"

Just like that, Bianca was gone again. When I withdrew from the hiding place, Varric was standing with his hands on his hips.

"Do I even want to know?" he asked. I shook my head.

"No" I was beginning to get grumpy by how many had stuffed me in empty rooms today "Can we go away somewhere?"

"So long as it's without the Sparkler, anything goes"

I peered over my shoulder to the small cupboard I had just left.

"Is there a good idea?"

Varric grinned at me.

* * *

><p>Bianca ran, and ran. She didn't know where she was running to. A voice entered her ear.<p>

"Bianca…"

_Cullen_! Bianca thought immediately _at least now I can run and not be strangled. _

The thought was painful. Some images replayed in her mind, staggering her feet. She could not be here and there at the same time. Bianca stood still in the middle of the corridor. His voice got closer.

"Bianca, you don't need to run. I've done enough of that for you _and_ me today"

"Reject me already, you coward!" Bianca yelled. Her surroundings returned to her. The corridor still had Leliana and Josephine far ahead. They pretended they couldn't hear and kept on walking. Cullen slowed down and regained his stamina. The last of the memories were fading.

"Yes, I am a coward" he said slowly. Cullen placed a hand on her shoulder "That does not mean you should follow my example, silly girl"

"I have a girly crush on you" Bianca said, blushing "That is plenty reason to run"

"I have noticed" Cullen said. Bianca gasped, as she felt his fingers through her hair. The touch of his nails on her scalp were like electricity. The hairs down her back stood on end.

"But you're a good girl, too" he whispered.

Bianca could hear her heart beating in her ears. She jumped as she felt Cullen's torso against her back, his hips against her. Why had he come so close?

"The Inquisitor will see" Bianca said justly. Cullen chuckled.

"How can she when it is her bed time?"

_Curse his accent!_ Bianca thought angrily _Curse his perfectly styled hair… curse his boots…_

Bianca shook as Cullen rubbed her shoulder with his thumb.

"I… I am going to give you some time, Bianca. Time to reassemble who you are… but you are a very striking person. You… must be able to _guess_ how I feel about you"

Bianca spun around and glared up at Cullen. He towered over her like no man ever had, and yet, there was some comfort in that.

"The Inquisitor is more important" Bianca said sternly "Go be with her"

"I will" Cullen smiled. He ran a finger through her hair, as though he had never seen hair before. He stared at it "But before I do there is a wicked curiosity of mine I can't stifle. I wonder… would you like to kiss me again?"

Bianca felt angry, and then her stress faded "Why are you asking?'

"I am just saying – in _theory_… If you'd like to, you should before I get scolded"

Bianca looked at Cullen as he bent down one knee. Now he was eye level with her. Bianca reached out, but left her hand in mid-air. Cullen did the same for her. He met her hand in the middle. Their palms were only just touching – his big hand, with her smaller one.

"Why?" Bianca asked suspiciously. Cullen passed the invisible barrier between them and touched Bianca's face.

"I have never been so intrigued by a dwarf before" he said slowly "It is insanity on my part, no doubt. I cannot quell a desire to learn more. Obviously, I need to do some thinking. Maybe you could teach me"

"How will me kissing you help you think?" Bianca asked "In my experience it does the opposite"

"When I sort out my thoughts, feelings… even if it turns unpleasant, I want to be able to remember what it feels like to be loved by a woman like you" Cullen explained simply

Bianca leaned close to Cullen's face.

"Remembering me shouldn't matter" she said.

"It does to me - although I can not pinpoint why" Cullen said. "I'll go if you don't want me t-"

Bianca took the extra step forward, grabbed Cullen's face and kissed him. She felt his kindness, his honesty – the same way she had in Bogdan's estate. He cared for her – enough to give it serious thought. How could she ask for anything else? He was as passive as could be. She pulled away.

"Don't leave me waiting like Varric did, Commander" Bianca instructed, eyes intense. She turned away and continued to her room. As she did, Bianca felt Cullen's fingers comb through her hair from the crown of her head, to the very last inch. It fluttered back, but not without her neck hair standing on end. As Bianca turned to glare at him, Cullen was walking back the other way.

_Curse his eyes, his voice, his personality_… Bianca thought as pranced on.

* * *

><p>Varric and I lay in his bed, hand in hand with sweaty palms and a sweet, sleepy feeling in our legs. It was dark, but the most comfortable darkness I had ever experienced. We lay in silence for a while. No words existed to portray our thoughts.<p>

"I love you, Varric" I said finally "I hope we live to capture the next victory"

Varric chuckled. He scooted closer to me "I'm sure if we have each other, it'll work out"

"You're right" I paused "Varric, I am not afraid. I know the Maker will watch over us"

"He'll watch over you better than I could" Varric smiled "Cassandra, can you tell me a story about your past? It doesn't have to be interesting"

"I'll try" I said, squeezing him close "I just hope you won't regret asking the question"

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> Yes, that is the end! Thanks for reading everyone :) yes, there wasn't much else to wrap up in my mind

I thought it would be fun for you to speculate what happens next with Bianca/Cullen yourselves - so scandalous! hahah

Please review if you haven't already - stop lurking in the shadows! lol


	36. Chapter 36

_Authors Notes:_ Ok, I lied... sort of. The Varric/Cassandra part of this story is definitely over, but I could NOT resist writing more Cullen/Bianca. ENJOY!

* * *

><p>Cullen returned to his desk and collected lose papers together. They always had a way of spreading all over the place, as though a curtain had been billowing wind from outside – but the day often got hectic and he found himself sitting up and down from his chair countless times throughout the day. The memories blurred together – had that paper been from yesterday or the day before? Was this glass of water washed since he last used it? Cullen usually found it a relief to leave his office, but today was different. Tonight, more was at stake than his baffling brain. He couldn't feel his legs his head was so addled.<p>

He unrumpled the parchment from in his draw, flattening it out once again. He couldn't resist the temptation to read it over. He had abstained all day – tried to push the words from his mind, be he could no longer. Now that he was free from work, he was free to palate these forbidden wants. The light bronze paper had coffee stains on it, like it had been scrawled in a hurry – maybe in between a conversation with a customer. There were deep blue ink blots at the end and middle of words, as though it had been written piece by piece, letter by letter – in between sips?

Cullen tried to ignore the pounding in his chest as his fingers clasped onto the edges, like the rails to a ladder.

Dear Commander,

I'm sorry to hear the Inquisitor and you had a fight. I hope I was not the topic of conversation.

If you would like some company after dinner, slip this letter under the leg of the table in the far left corner at 6:00pm with your response on the back, before the crowd rolls in. It is where I usually sit.

Some memories are better left in the dark. That's all I have to say on the subject…

Sincerest wishes,

The Blonde Smith Too Short For Your Liking

Bianca was without a doubt the devil in the flesh. To think she had the nerve to ask for such impracticalities!

Cullen grit his teeth and crushed the note with his gloved palm. It was 5:55pm. Very late, but Cullen had put off the prosaic distraction for as long as possible. He didn't want to confront Bianca. He knew he was attracted to her – it was the craziest accomplishment his brain had submitted him too thus far. If he had told himself in Kirkwall he would fancy a dwarf, he would laugh at himself. He always considered them confounding creatures – how was a human supposed to court one without jesting stares? It would be like spending the rest of your life in front of King Alistair's throne, on your knees as a beggar would and being frowned upon. Perhaps he was too out of countenance and dignified. He wouldn't have considered Bianca's radiant attributes if she had not coerced them in front of his eyes – a sneak to her smile, a flutter of painted, luscious eyelashes, and the deliberate exaggeration of her hips as she walked. She may as well ask the Blooming Rose if they had available work as enticing dancers. The way Bianca's body language conferred, she may as well have been removing each article of clothing with every brief conversation they had. Recently, he had to stop himself picturing her naked by accident alone.

_Laugh now, you humourless dog!_ He urged. Cullen could only feel his jaw turning to rock under the stress. He did want Bianca in a physical way… maybe even more than that, but the Inquisitor having a fight with him over a tactics decision was not a sign of vociferation from the Maker to be unfaithful. Cullen was as loyal as one could be – he despised his soldier's bragging about whores they had bedded in a moment of weakness. Bianca had more perks than a fallen woman. She was funny, elusive and sweet… short and broken, but in a nice way. Cullen found himself thinking what he never had before: under what circumstances did relationship loopholes get breached?

It was 5:58pm

"Curse that unseemly dwarf!" Cullen scorned, and he scribbled frenzied words on the back of Bianca's paper. He had smudged the ink further with his sweaty glove – the ink had dried hours ago.

You disrupted my evening already, dwarf. Fix it, if you cannot forbear. – C

What possessed him that night, Cullen could not say, but he slipped the note underneath the table leg Bianca suggested with sweat dripping down his face. His withdrawal symptoms were next to gone nowadays, so why was he feeling out of character?

* * *

><p><em>I need some food, that has got to be it.<em> Cullen reasoned, and he strolled over to grab a plate before anyone else arrived. As he resumed his usual seat, Cassandra, Varric and Leliana soon joined him. It was nice to see Leliana and Cassandra on close speaking terms again. in the times when Varric and Cassandra were sorting their differences it had caused a sort of social rift in the Inqusition, although it wasn't something that could be closed with a powerful exertion of a glowing green beam. Now that he was back on a seat, it felt strangely close to his desk. So long as he could be reminded of his office, he had no reason to escape the present moment.

"The Inquisitor helped me find a box, but it had the most disappointing message inside" Leliana explained "I realized that is what Justinia had been trying to tell me in the fade. She did not mean for me to experience such dismay"

"I knew it could not have been just conceited fantasy, Leliana" Cassandra affirmed. Leliana smiled.

"I'm impressed you could chase up anything from the Fade" Varric said "I tried to forget it as soon as I left"

"Many things are not worth forgetting, Varric" Leliana said "You never know when you could use the information"

"Says you, the heartless killer… who has a love affair with shoes"

Surprisingly, Leliana did not take this to heart.

"Yes, like shoes. You must pay attention to each detail or else you might find a cheap knock off with faulty material"

"Does the Inquisitor rant to you about this stuff, Curly?" Varric asked him.

"What? Uh, only if I ask" Cullen said quickly.

"She must ask your opinion on what to wear?" Cassandra said. She had her arms on the table, very interested in the conversation. Cullen took a sip of his ale.

"Only when I'm watching, which I haven't recently – I'm sure you must know why"

"Oh yes, the drama at the Arbor Wilds." Varric crossed his arms "You should have heard them bite at their necks – like Corypheus at his henchmen, only worse"

"Commander Cullen may not want to talk about it" Leliana advised "Watch where you place that crude mouth of yours!"

"I do watch! Carefully, I might add" Varric retorted, mildly offended "Cassandra can attest to that – I _dare you_ to ask her"

"No, Leliana" Cassandra started.

Cullen put food in his mouth as Leliana and Cassandra stared at each other.

He chewed on his rice casserole with a distinct disconnect from the world around him. He regretted putting the paper under the table leg, but he knew Bianca would not stand for him to withdraw. This made him angry. He wanted to kick Bianca!

_Cassandra must feel like this every day_, Cullen rationalized, and he put his fingers between his brow. _I'll just explain it to her_, he reasoned as he swallowed. _There is no point being nervous when I made a mistake._

"You look like you've swallowed a pig carcass" Varric noted "What's got into you, Curly?"

"N-Nothing" Cullen said jumpily. Cassandra eyed him suspiciously, but he avoided her eye. He managed to inexplicably blur his vision with his lack of focus.

_Yes, by accident!_ Cullen thought hurriedly. He ate his food with increased difficulty. It tasted more and more like sandpaper with every chew. This response to Bianca was an understandable, rectifiable accident- written in a sexually frustrated rage with pressed time. Of course she would forgive him!

He avoided Bianca's eye all through dinner. He couldn't even bring himself to gaze upon the back of her head. Her silky blonde hair and his curious eyes had become well acquainted. Cullen hoped it might stay this way in this moment of vulnerability.

* * *

><p>He placed his plate on top of the others, wishing this was every other day. If only he could escape Bianca's clutches… he knew it was impossible. She had a way of knowing exactly where her prey lurked. Cullen walked out the dining hall staring at his boots. Leliana had retreated with Josephine and the unlikely couple had possibly gone to snog in a cabinet somewhere. He did not care for where they went. Cullen clenched his fists. He had the physical strength to kill Bianca if he wanted to. That way she could never bother him again.<p>

_What are you thinking, Commander?_ Cullen hit his head. He flinched slightly as he saw Bianca standing against one of the bricked walls, vaguely illuminated by the lights. She had a piece of paper scrunched up in her hand – the note to start all depravity.

"Good evening" she smiled pleasantly. Cullen nodded curtly at her.

"Bianca" he walked onward, pretending Bianca was a candle stand. Bianca tugged at one of his gloves as he passed. Cullen stopped. He knew he couldn't be rude… not really. It wasn't in his nature, even though he dearly wished it could be that moment.

"Where are you going, Commander?" Bianca asked. Cullen regretted looking at her. Her eyelashes and eyelids were glittered in make-up. She was arrestive, indeed!

Cullen cleared his throat "I was wondering if you could accompany me to my quarters, dear lady"

_To my quarters! What ale have you drowned yourself in?! _

Cullen wished he could impale himself for the idiocy of his last sentence. Clearly he was all sorts of mixed up today!

Bianca smiled and she let go of his glove. They proceeded to walk side by side…

"That's very meretricious of you" Bianca purred "What about your usual…guest?"

Cullen tried not to blush "The Inquisitor and I have not shared a bed in over a week. It was quite the appalling spat"

"Appalling, huh?" Bianca thrummed "Care to illuminate me?"

Cullen sighed. This had weighed on his mind for as long as it had occurred, but he had not shared the details with anyone. It just wasn't worth breaking concentration at this crucial time against Corypheus.

"The Inquisitor thought I put too many at risk with some of my declarations at the Arbor Wilds – I insisted_ I _had the upper hand – _I'm_ the Commander. She still thought I should have checked with her first – we were on the field – things happen in the heat of the moment…"

"Maybe you risked someone she cared about personally?" Bianca wondered "The Inquisitor knows most of Skyhold by first name"

"Emotions are irrelevant when many more lives are at stake" Cullen justified, sounding angry "She – I am troubled she is burned out from all this Corypheus babble. _I-Ida_ disagrees"

He had never used the Inquisitor's real name in front of anyone. It denoted his unprofessionalism, a disregard for ethics. In no way could he admit to his co-workers that he was personally involved with the leader. Even though everybody knew, assumptions of better treatment or bias would be hard to shake away if Cullen addressed The Inquisitor by name, when no one else was able to. Dalish names always sounded odd among humans, anyway. It had gotten to the point that when he and Ida were alone together, she had to constantly reminded him to use her first name. He felt slightly ashamed to admit he still slipped into Inquisitor speak from time to time.

"That's a tough road, Curly" Bianca said "Bogdan and I had those sorts of arguments once a week in the beginning"

"Hm' Cullen did not know how to respond. Count on Bianca to start using Varric's ridiculous nicknames! Whenever Bodgan was mentioned it made Cullen shrivel up on the inside. He hated the man for the hardships he had caused Bianca. Even though he had been dead for over a month, Cullen often thought he deserved a worse punishment. He wanted Bianca to feel sympathized with – his sins had been unforgiveable, as much as Corypheus's were. They climbed the stairs, and Cullen realized his knees were trembling.

"My quarters are just above my office"

"I never knew" Bianca said blankly. Cullen smiled at her.

"Not many do"

_Except Ida, of course._

* * *

><p>The office looked different when he entered, even though he had done so countless times. Had Bianca cast a spell over it? Had the Inquisitor come to assemble his things? Why did the walls now look of different stone? The evening darkness made the book cases more eerie than it should. Cullen reached out a hand.<p>

"Take a seat, my dear" he said calmly "I need to give you some careful instruction"

Bianca's eyes opened slightly wider.

"Sure"

Now Cullen was in his lair of power, he could more accurately attest to what Bianca was wearing without blinding his judgement. She had a skirt and a long sleeved blouse on today. It was crimson and black with many thin layers of material. Judging how it perfectly framed her petite figure, this was one of Bianca's old outfits – Leliana had retrieved her wardrobe contents a week before the Arbor Wilds invasion. Cullen distinctly recalled Bianca getting excited over it, claiming she was going to be able to walk around without fear of her undies being flashed to the universe. Cullen felt a vein in his neck stick out as she sat on the chair, shirt fluttering. They were opposite each other, but it was a new sort of intimidating – the sort where he needed to say the right thing.

"I need to set some things straight with you, Bianca, if I may be forward" Cullen said, and he sat behind his desk. Bianca looked earnest.

"Throw it at me"

"I, uh…" Cullen paused "I am sorry to say I haven't yet told the Inquisitor about you"

A flash of anger crossed Bianca's pretty face "Right"

"I am curious as to how you would have managed our fight, if you had been the Inquisitor" Cullen said slowly. Bianca shrugged.

"I specialize in swords, not combat tactics. I would trust your decision, even if those I love had to be put at risk. That's kind of what a war is, isn't it?"

"What if you had become emotionally drained from the experience?" Cullen probed. Bianca shook her head.

"Still the same. If anything, I'd be _more likely_ to put my trust in you"

Cullen smiled and sit back in his chair. He could feel more at ease around her now. It helped that she wasn't being overly flirtatious.

"If the conflict cannot be resolved peacefully, I fear our relationship would end" Cullen said finally.

"What makes you so sure?" Bianca asked.

"I don't want a relationship where work and love are so intermingled. It is a breeding ground for riots such as these"

"B-but when the Inquisition is over, you won't have to deal with that anymore" Bianca pointed out. Cullen sighed.

"You're right. I didn't mean to sound harsh. I am… tired of going to bed by myself. It is childish, foul play- but Ida got me used to it. I suppose I am lucky. I _should_ feel lucky, but instead it angers me. Why can she not put her worries aside? I acted the same during Adamant and Ida didn't bat an eyelid. How do you manage without Varric?"

He was stringing three different ideas together at once, but he hoped Bianca could decipher it. Bianca clutched at her skirt and looked down so a flurry of hair covered her eyes. It had grown longer over the past few weeks.

"I don't, really. I see him every day, and yet I have to hold back from our very old habits. Sure, I brought it upon myself and I believe it was the right thing. I still do, but I miss him. I miss sharing a bed, as well – even though I was with someone foul"

Cullen did not know what possessed him, but he placed a hand on Bianca's head. Every strand of her hair could be felt through his gloved palm.

"You are an incredibly strong woman, Bianca. You continue to amaze me with your endurance. A different sort of armour is required for that"

Bianca laughed. It was hollow, fake… insincere.

"It's pathetic, Cullen"

Cullen let his hand rest on his desk, inviting Bianca to take it.

"I have never heard a more absurd notion" he said finally.

Bianca slowly lift her head. Now she was sitting down, all height difference was forgotten. Her blue eyes were shining, like a bright light had been piercing them for an hour.

"You can't be serious" she said. Cullen flexed some of his fingers, secretly wishing Bianca would take his hand, but she did not. Cullen smiled. He only just realized he was now leaning forward in his chair. His posture was limp and lose… the first time it had been so all day.

"I am" he replied softly.

He brought his fingers to the side of Bianca's face, cupping her cheek in his palm. It was like touching a rare mythological creature – a fairy, perhaps. There was something delicate about Bianca, even though her voice was thick as animal hide. It made Cullen wonder what she was trying to protect. Bianca seemed to enjoy his touch. She shut her eyes and placed her hand on his. Cullen felt a familiar shame overcome his body. It dragged him down on his knees in a storm, begging for the Maker's forgiveness. Only now he understood the reason.

"I'm sorry for presenting no better than Varric" Cullen said slowly "I care deeply for you, Bianca"

Bianca's eyes pierced into his brain like a dagger through the table. They screamed 'So what?'

"You're beautiful" Cullen continued, and his fingers seemed to spasm against Bianca's wonderment "I think I will need a good scolding from the Inquisitor after this fight"

Cullen tried to pull away his hand but Bianca grabbed it with two of hers. She played with his fingers beneath her own.

"What are you fighting?" she asked, her gaze trying to uncover his secrets before he could say.

Cullen blushed "My indisputable, preoccupying concupiscence for you, Miss Davri"

Bianca's breath faltered.

"What are you going to do about it?" she asked. It wasn't malicious, but a fair question. Cullen crossed his arms. He became obtusely aware of his body responding to Bianca more with each passing second.

"That is not my area of expertise, Bianca" Cullen said sternly "What do you suggest?"

Bianca smiled. She grabbed Cullen's hand and stood up.

"I'd like to examine your quarters more closely, Commander" Bianca said calmly. Cullen stood up so quickly he knocked his stand of quills on its side.

"How infuriating" Cullen murmured as he rearranged the desk right again. Bianca smiled.

"Don't trip on your way over"

As Cullen was pulled along to the ladder by Bianca, he took a quick detour to lock the room to his office.

He sat down on the bed, overcome with dread and hope at the same time.

"I hope my bed is not too… big" he said stiffly. He felt stupid for not having something witty to say. Bianca laughed.

"The bigger, the better…"

"Hmm" Cullen took off his gloves at put them to the side. He could hide his hesitation no longer "I would like to make it clear that I do not wish for your body, Bianca. Not in the way your letter implied. Not tonight, I…"

"What would you like then, Commander?" Bianca asked furtively. Cullen started to take off his boots.

"I need you to be exercise constraint around me, Miss Davri. If you deny my order… I will kick you out"

He was shocked by Bianca's confidence. She was smiling the same way she had before she had kissed him. The memory brought back the feeling of panic and suspicion. Cullen continued to remove his armor, feeling more self-conscious as every piece was place carefully on the ground. Bianca watched like a cat would yarn.

"Absolutely" Bianca nodded "I don't want to get on Ida's bad side"

Cullen chuckled. He marvelled at how light Bianca made him feel, as though he was tipsy. It wasn't just from her expensive attire or daring smile, either.

"We may only cuddle" Cullen said firmly "That is all that can happen without arising suspicion"

"I think a lady dwarf in a Commander's quarters is enough to conjunct dubiosity, even if we did nothing"

"You're right"

Cullen looked in Bianca's eyes, and kept looking as he strolled to his cabinet to retrieve his night shirt. He turned away, just at the perfect moment. He pulled his tunic over his head, feeling Bianca's gaze like an autumn leaf gently drifting past. It was derisive, energizing. He neatly tucked it away and put a night shirt over the top. He jumped as Bianca's cold hands pressed against the small of his back.

"You're doing an awful job at restraint so far" Cullen commentated. Bianca traced Cullen's trousers around to the buckle and unhinged it.

"On the contrary I think it is something I am very skilled at" Bianca said softly. He could hear how close she was "I was married to someone I _pretended_ to love, after all"

Cullen unzipped his fly and pulled down his trousers at the same time Bianca did. He needed to regain control of the situation. He coughed.

"Could you wait on the bed, Bianca?" Cullen asked. Bianca's hands left him. "Could I lend you a shirt?"

"Give me your tunic. The one you just had on" Bianca said. Cullen screwed up his face.

"B-but it's _sweaty_!" he gasped. Bianca laughed.

"That's exactly why it's so appealing, you ace of spades"

He heard Bianca removing her clothes, and he knew better than to look. He quickly finished putting on some cotton shorts and waited.

"Are you sufficiently clothed?" he asked, speaking louder so it would carry across the room. There was the slosh of bed covers.

"Sufficient for sleeping, yes" Bianca said.

_What does that mean? _Cullen thought. He gently peered over his shoulder. Bianca had her back to him. She was already curled up on her side. Cullen walked over to the bed. It was strange doing this, he had to admit. As he pulled up the other end of the covers Bianca curled up into a smaller ball.

"Is this really alright?" she asked "What will Ida say?"

"No" Cullen admitted, as he slipped into bed with her "but I have not felt rational for a little while now. If Ida wants to push me before her throne, I will claim insanity defence"

"Fine" Bianca said "I'll use an insanity defence too"

Cullen was about to ask how Bianca wanted to cuddle, but she answered it for him. Bianca wiggled backward so her bottom was against his hips. Cullen's body stiffened. His shorts were suddenly very uncomfortable to wear. He placed his fingers against Bianca's shoulders. Bianca began to brush her butt up against his hardness. Cullen thought perhaps it was an accident but the motion was repeated enough to say otherwise.

"Restraint, Bianca" Cullen said soundly. Bianca suddenly stopped.

"Whoops. Sorry" she paused "I guess I'm not great at restraining myself with guys I covet"

"You are welcome to covet" Cullen said "but restraint is something you will have to master"

Bianca groaned. Cullen thread his hands through Bianca's arms and rest them on her tummy. It was odd feeling his clothes. Bianca slowly lift the shirt and Cullen felt the pleasant warmth of her belly. He pushed himself closer to her, disregarding the fact his want was encouraging her underwear into her butt cheeks. He forcefully regulated his breathing as he rest his head near her head. He could smell her hair – it had been washed that morning, rubbing her tummy with his thumb all the while.

"When will you tell Ida about me, Cullen?" Bianca asked sternly. Cullen bit his lip.

"Tomorrow at my earliest convenience" he replied matter-of-factly "After breakfast"

"How am I to know you aren't lying?" Bianca challenged. Cullen took a deep breath.

"I will come to your workshop and inform you of how it went"

"Thanks" Bianca sighed relief. She placed her hands on top of Cullen's, threading her fingers between his "What do you plan on saying?"

"I have not given it a great deal of thought" Cullen admitted "but to prove I am not Varric I will come up with something right now"

"You're already impressing me" Bianca said. Cullen felt sweat begin to form on his palms.

"Good morning Ida, I hope I have not come at a bad time"

"No, it is nice to see you" Bianca had taken on the role of the Inquisitor "How are you?"

"I am well, thank you, Ida" Cullen responded. He shut his eyes, to try and forget Bianca was in the room with him "I would like you to know that I am becoming tired of our fighting. Beat, even. I hope we can resolve it soon. There is enough drama in the Inquisition without this unjust frivolity"

"I think so as well, beautiful, dashing Cullen"

"_Bianca_!" Cullen retorted. Bianca giggled.

"But I do not wish to discuss that now." Bianca resumed her serious tone "Is t-there anything e-else you wanted to say, Cullen?"

"Um" Cullen gulped "There is a girl who may cause you some grief"

"Did you say _a girl_?" Bianca put on a mock angry tone "I didn't know you liked _girls_, Cullen"

Cullen ignored her "She… she is a dwarf, to be exact. I, am… uh…"

"Is it this Bianca, then?" Bianca asked "Tell me"

"I… unwillingly find myself lecherous toward her, Inquisitor"

"Ida!" Bianca corrected.

"Sorry, sorry – _Ida_ – it is just easier to say.. Never mind. I need to be honest – there is part of me that wants to be with her. It will be unusually straightforward to blunder to temptation if our fight remains unresolved. How is that for an early draft?"

"It doesn't have time to be reworked. It is perfect – very awkward, like you"

"I appreciate you going through it with me" Cullen smiled. He wiped the sweat on Bianca – his – tunic. "Can I ask about Varric? You are still friends now, despite what occurred?"

"Yes, we are still friends" Bianca seemed lighter "He made me a cake the other day"

"I didn't know Varric _baked_" Cullen said incredulously.

"Neither did I!" Bianca laughed "He denies it, but I think Cassandra helped him"

"That seems far more plausible…" Cullen mused. Bianca quietened. They enjoyed a silent moment with their hands interlocked.

"You're really sweet, you know - an awkward kind of saccharine. I… I shouldn't have kissed you in your office. It was wrong of me. I was just… plotting. I'm sick of holding back around the ones I care about"

"It makes sense that you have developed this behaviour given how spectacularly things went _last_ _time_ you played to the rules"

"Cassandra thinks Varric and I could have shared a happy life together." Bianca said "I'm not sure I believe her. I guess I stopped being able to imagine it years ago"

"I suppose it is difficult to feel that way toward someone" Cullen said slowly. He was surprised he could be so articulate around her. Bianca shrugged.

"It makes no difference whether it is difficult or not" Bianca said "Besides, I got some amazing sex out of it. It made the waiting _a little_ worth it."

Cullen snorted. He was not expecting Bianca to make a comment like that… oh wait, yes he was. He had no response to her lewd banter, as usual. Bianca took a deep breath.

"Cullen, can I…" Bianca hesitated "can I disgrace myself in front of you? Here?"

"What did you say? Can you repeat that for me, please?"

"I don't want to leave my body alone" Bianca said desperately "I… was wondering if you'd let me… touch myself"

"You want to…" Cullen's face went red. He buried his eyes in Bianca's hair, as though thinking that would destroy the images "_Why_ would you want to do _that_, Bianca?"

"Don't you want to?" Bianca asked. Cullen felt his knuckles quiver "I can feel you want _something_ of that nature, Commander"

"I, uh…" Cullen wished she would stop calling him 'Commander'. It made him want to resume his professional assertiveness and put Bianca in her place "What happened to self-restraint, Bianca?"

"I don't want it" Bianca said durably "The alternative is borrowing your bathroom for my sinfulness"

Cullen was in a terrible predicament. If he was listening to his voice of reason, the version of him who was questioning her for work purposes, he'd have recommended the bathroom. Now he was with her in the bed, he could not deny his satyric nature.

"If you see no other option" Cullen said. Why was he saying this "I will allow it"

"You shouldn't have said that, Cullen" Bianca said. She did not sound seductive, but honest and pure.

"Shhhh" Cullen pinched her stomach. He picked a good time to. One of Bianca's hands escaped from his fingers and slid the only place they could go – down. He braced himself for the undeniable lustfulness that was going to overcome him. Why _had_ he done this?

"M-Maybe you should go to the bathroom, after all" he fumbled, but it was too late. Bianca's hand on his tightened... He felt her body vibrate against him. His body had settled over the course of their conversation awoke like the undead provoked by a single footstep. He moaned into her long before Bianca uttered a whisper. Bianca giggled.

"Self-restraint, Commander" she badgered. Cullen let go of Bianca's hand like it was diseased. He placed his hands at her hips, feeling the round of her backside. Bianca was very curvy, far more so than the Inquisitor, who was closer to a skeleton. There was sweetness to her curves, though. He bucked his hips against her ass, slandering her lace knickers.

"I c-_can't_" Cullen choked. Even the largest breaths could not make him feel less light headed. Bianca shuddered. Her head lolled against Cullen's chest. Bianca's free hand reached behind her to her undies. Cullen knew what she would do. He grabbed her hand and pressed it against her. Now she could not go anywhere. Bianca's first sexual sound was the definition of restrained. It was like Cullen had blocked her mouth when he stopped her hand. She stopped it all herself. It sounded unusual and broken. Bianca probably would have spoken by now, but they knew talking would not help their situation. Even when words of disillusionment were vocalized, it only made them carnal and clamorous.

Cullen could feel Bianca's vibrations against him. She must be using her fingers very fast, incautiously. Like trying to stabilize a volcanic eruption, he could only watch – too fascinated to run. He wished he could help her.

_No! You cannot think such things._ He antagonised. This was worse. Cullen wanted to turn off his brain altogether. He pressed his lips to her neck, not moving. He could not kiss her, only pretend. He had to escape this experience by withdrawing into his mind. She was cold and smooth like stone, a majestic, romantic statue – like the one he had seen in Val Royeaux outside the courthouse. He remembered her teasing, even then. It had only been in good humour.

He pushed against her as far as he could go. The clothes creased and strained, but locked together now. He wrapped his arms around her waist and brought her as close as possible. Arms, legs and torso tangled in each other, they were imprisoned in insatiable audaciousness. Bianca moaned. Her voice was dishevelled like a raging sea, unhinged as his dotage. Cullen's hankering was burning like viral Elfroot – something that should make sense, but didn't. The cause of sickness, a distorted prototype… he kept his eyes shut as dew coated Bianca's fingers and dug under her nails, infecting the nail beds. He could hear the sound, could not help imaging how she looked down there. Her nails were intact nowadays, but Cullen feared they would smell festering.

It was humid and oppressive under the bed covers, but Cullen was too protective of his last inklings of intelligence to move. He sweat from the heat, from her, from himself… He wanted to mollify his body as Bianca was to hers. His mind naturally gravitated to her – what would he be doing if he was allowed to elude those sounds from her?

_Curse that wretched dwarf!_ Cullen raged in his head. She fought against his grip, her body wanting to squirm in the natural way it so craved, but he did not allow it. She shook against him and groaned into the open air. It may have echoed, but no one else would have heard. Bianca's agonizing seemed to end. She withdrew her fingers and steadied her breathing. Cullen let go of her.

"Sorry" Bianca said after a while. "I bet you… I don't know what you think of me now"

"On the contrary…" Cullen began, but he fell silent. He rolled onto his other side and bit one of his fingers without breaking the nail. There was the rustling of sheets.

"Is something wrong?" Bianca asked. He felt Bianca's hand touch his back. Cullen flinched.

"N-Nothing, Bianca" he said calmly. He stood out of bed "Try to get some sleep. I need to use the restroom"

Since the restrooms were at least a corridor away, at least that was the excuse he used, Cullen did not return for a while.


	37. Chapter 37

"Twenty silver for this attachment. Yes, it would be a lot more expensive back home, thank you"

Bianca smiled as the young man left. She was back at work, what she did best. She enjoyed working for the Inquisition more than pleasing the stuck up, pompous people of Val Royeaux. Even though Bonny Sims was a resident, her stylish hat was far more agreeable than the customers she was used to. Bianca had left her friend Dagna in Undercroft for the outdoors. It was the closest to independent she had felt in many years. Making the choice to transfer, even though she was abandoning pleasant company was as thrilling as placing a skate on a lake of ice. Dwarf Davri would have picked the biting Skyhold air even if Bonny had joined her inside.

Bianca knew of Bonny before she had spoken to her. When Bianca was on her way to meet Cassandra, the two's wandering eyes met. Their introduction was more or less, this:

"I believe I have seen your blonde filaments curled before" Bonny said.

"Your teal sleeves – were you at L'Astrance last November?" Bianca wondered. Bonny clapped her hands together.

"I was! I remember you were with the horse tamer. I had sought his services for my dear misbehaving Andrejana. She has joined the departed since. I grieved for many hours. It is mighty curious - what brings you here?"

"Pull my leg and yank me sideways. Are you saying you _didn't_ notice the Inquisition disappear a few afternoons ago?"

After a good laugh, Bianca had considered Bonny a friend – as and the hours passed in the stuffy, stale Undercroft Bianca liked strolling outside too much.

Bonny and Bianca shared passion with their work and liked to complain about Orlais, as one often does. Skyhold seemed to appreciate their work for more than just the weapons – the passers-by were grateful for their company as people, as well. Bianca polished a staff for one of Fiona's.

"Dear Davri, the astute Commander graces the yard" Bonny Sims said. Bianca jumped. She had told Bonny of her encounter with Cullen, but only shallowly. She had a big mouth, which seemed to open at the worst opportunities – probably deliberately.

Cullen smiled. He had that confident stride about him which made Bianca swoon. He was wearing the usual leather brown boots, pants with his silver shoulder plates and feathers. His blonde hair was embellished by the glow of morning sun. It gave a white outline to his features, only exaggerating his magnificence. It made him look sickly too – his skin seemed to have a permanent anaemia. He clattered his sword down on the bench.

"Give this a quick clean, would you, my lady?" Cullen asked. Bonny Swims grabbed her silk cloth

"Right away, gracious ser" she said with a lisp. Cullen brought his eyes to Bianca.

"Are you permitted to detract from your duties?" he asked.

His request could have been confused as any other day. They usually conversed as Cullen brought damaged swords and daggers from practice sparring – 'My men are reckless on good days', he would say. Bianca turned to Bonny, but she was busy priming Cullen's weapon.

"It is not industrious. A loss will not be felt here – canter off, Miss Davri"

_Miss Davri…_ Bianca smiled. It seemed everyone addressed her that way to seem proper, but Bianca knew better. Her propriety was only for show. In Orlais you learned pragmatics, but she was one of few who often slipped out of the persona. One could make swearing sophisticated if you tried hard enough. Trying to conceal her happiness, Bianca stepped out from behind the desk, instantly feeling the breeze of freedom. Cullen looked off somewhere in the distance as Bonny Sims returned his sword.

"Let's go for a wander. Do you like the spot near the flag?"

* * *

><p>They strolled away as work mates. There were no assumptions, no lingered gawking as they passed Skyhold cheery merchants and fighters. After all, Bianca and Bonny were often in contact with Cullen's soldiers – even if some of them did only stop by to tease. She was ashamed to admit that despite their sweetness, they did not compare to the charming nervousness that Cullen radiated. Bonny got rare attention from more adventurous Fereldan's. Their dress sense – the postulates that came with being Orleasian - often disgusted others. Bianca had insisted Bonny remove her mask for this reason, but she refused - 'It exists for practical purposes as well as grace'. Bianca thought getting a cold off a snotty Templar was better than working, any day, but Bonny was not that sort of girl.<p>

Bianca caught eyes with Cassandra conversing with Leliana. Cassandra smiled. Her smiles were easier to recognize nowadays. When Bianca had first met Cassandra it was hard to tell if her emotions were for or against her – or anyone, for that matter. She would have a chat to Cassandra about it afterward.

"I just finished speaking to the Inquisitor" Cullen said, snapping Bianca back to reality "_Ida_, I should say"

"Was it an explosion of fireworks?" Bianca probed.

"Not spectacular fireworks, if we are using that analogy" Cullen admitted. Bianca stared at his gloves, his trousers, his boots… was it possible for humans to get any more handsome? He smiled at her, and she pushed it aside.

They were now on the outside edges of Skyhold. The snowy mountains loomed dangerously, like they were much closer than reality. Bianca remembered what it felt like to be holding onto Cullen's armour as they travelled by horseback. It was just as she had been feverish – she could not conceptualize thought in her mind. She had simply existed in one place while feeling another – reliving what felt like a week of physical torture, one beating after another. With each kick, punch or push, Bianca had begged for the Commander's cold armour to sooth the swelling and bruises. It was far away, fake and out of reach. The snow had made the strands of her hair damp.

Bianca forced herself to look at the grey exterior of the castle. The sensations quickly dissipated as her eyes took in every small crevice and pattern in the brick, almost like a snail shell. Cullen noticed.

"Are you managing, Bianca?"

Bianca shook her head but forced herself to look at Cullen instead.

"Can you tell me what Ida said?" Bianca insisted. Cullen gave a small laugh – it seemed present and far-off at the same time.

"I _was_ getting to that"

He stumbled in his tracks, and proceeded to trace the exterior of the castle, staying close to the gutters as though it was stair railing. It was perfect for privacy. The closest there was to company were a few stray leaves and a bird in the distance. Their voices echoed in the breadth.

"Ida was not shocked to hear of my borderline mania of you" Cullen said slowly "In fact, she said the information arrived in good timing"

"Uh huh" Bianca said slowly. She still was not entirely present. Cullen continued.

"She said I was right – the Inquisition _had_ worn her out, and she apologized for not behaving like the lady I fell for"

"You resolved your fight, then?" Bianca asked. Cullen rolled the hilt of his sword nervously between his palm.

"Technically, yes, but here comes the interesting part" Cullen said. Bianca did not have to hold her breath for long.

"She insisted we spend time away from each other – until Corypheus is gone for good. That way Ida would have one less responsibility. She would recover quicker from stress when we resume our relationship and she would be better able to focus her willpower where it matters"

"You still matter" Bianca pointed out. Cullen sighed.

"I do, but the fate of the world is more so. I think we made a smart decision. If we forced our relationship through it would probably burn the friendship to ashes, which brings me to the predicament of you, Bianca…"

Cullen bent down so he on one of his knees. Bianca might have thought he was going to propose to her if it wasn't for the fact they were now eye level. Bianca found it hard to resist his brown eyes, the perfect tint that matched his clothing.

"Knowing that it may not amount to anything, with this risk firmly in mind, would you like to consort with me?"

It may as well have been a proposal, as it required a yes or no answer. Bianca stepped forward so she was very close to Cullen's face.

"Do you mean consorting of the romantic variety?" Bianca asked. Cullen looked uncomfortable.

"I consider that a terrible gamble, Bianca. If it was me, if you were desperate for my opinion, I would not do it. It is imperative I tell you I am _in love_ the Inquisitor – we have built a great friendship over our many months together. It will not be broken by any outrageous outfit or the holding of hands. But if I cannot stop you, if you are willing to get hurt, I will not oppose you" Cullen smiled. It was a shrewd, prudent emotion. The Commander was not hesitating to use Bianca as a target for heart break. This seemed to make it more worthwhile somehow. It could be years of mistreatment rubbing off on her – on the other hand, the indecency of meddling with someone she should not brought a sense of thrill, similar to the good Varric days – escaping the hazards of crime with unwavering optimism. The thought of Cullen hurting her emotionally was reprehensibly titillation. Instead of running from the Carta, it was the Inquisitor – someone who could kick her ass out of Skyhold, not wield swords. Somehow being hurt by Cullen wouldn't burn as much as the dreadful decomposition of waiting for Varric did.

"I'll take the plunge" Bianca grinned "Your soldiers will have to wait"

"They will be lining up, Miss Davri" Cullen said.

"Come on" Bianca held back a laugh "I'm not _that_ pretty"

Cullen laughed, but he fell silent. It seemed like he had other things on his mind.

"I think that is enough fishing for complements for one day, Bianca" Cullen nodded. He stood up.

"You and I have work to do. Perhaps I'll see you when my soldiers have gone to my head, yet again"

Cullen stood up and clapped Bianca on the back.

"Let's head back. Your intricate pixie fingers must have many bows to economize"

Talk of the Inquisition followed until they parted ways in the yard. There was no end to the gossip, especially with theory of Corypheus so near. Bianca waved at Cassandra, and she nodded. It was nice to have a handful of souls to prattle with on a work break.

* * *

><p>Bianca knocked on Cullen's office door a good 8 hours later. It had been a nice day. Not a single drunk person approached her desk, but Bonny was very critical of Bianca's choice with Commander Cullen. Bianca shrugged it off. She hadn't had any fun for years! Who was a fellow Orleasian to stop her?!<p>

"Yes?" came Cullen's voice.

Bianca opened the door.

"Is a courteous dwarf allowed to visit you before dinner?"

Cullen raised his hands from his desk. He had been balancing on his palms, staring at a page for hours.

"Oh, yes." Cullen brushed the paper from his hands "I'm sorry, Bianca. I just… I've had a lot of my mind today"

"Would you like to get it _out_ of your mind?" Bianca asked. She approached Cullen desk and placed a small plate on top of it "I brought cake, if that helps"

Cullen's face removed of stress, like cake was a new discovery.

"Cake is _wonderful_" Cullen exhaled. He sat down again "Is this the one Varric made you?"

"Yeah" Bianca shrugged. She sat down on the seat on the other side of the desk "I thought I'd give the last piece to someone who needed it"

"You're too kind" Cullen hesitated. He cautiously broke some apart with his fingers "Please don't permit me eat all of it. I fear I will crave sugar for weeks"

"No way. I've already eaten half of the damn thing" Bianca giggled.

"You didn't find anyone else to donate sweets to?"

"I did. Morrigan, Varric and Cassandra took some. Some of your recruits were keen too. There was still a lot left over" Bianca smiled at the memory of the chocolate goodness "I haven't binged like that in a while"

"If you insist, I'll delay dinner" Cullen peered at her, then broke apart a small section and chewed it. Bits of chocolate fell onto the desk "Ida thinks Corypheus isn't far. I worry dearly for her. I had her in my thoughts, in my _prayers_ today. She came to visit and assured me all would resolve itself. I can't pretend it does not bother me still, hours later… I do not aspire to dwell of it. Did Sterling really not rouse you? He was your favourite of my soldiers, wasn't he? I cannot help but contemplate how I am the dependable alternative"

"Sterling was dainty. He is well-read, polite… Honestly, he reminded me too much of Bogdan... too much refinery, especially with Sterling's love for wine, even if it was the white kind. I guess that put me off, even if they _are_ different people" Bianca said plainly. Cullen avoided her eye.

"I suppose I can't force you. Sterling's worst quality from what I know is incoordination. I thought that was something far manageable than contaminated motive? No matter. I am not ungrateful for your company. The cake is lovely. A touch tart, but scrumptious. I think tea is the only thing missing"

"Small cakes with butter biscuits would be my chosen additives" Bianca grinned.

"Hm, yes" Cullen crossed his arms "Perhaps we could nibble on some over a game of chess"

Cullen pulled away from Bianca's smile by chewing on more cake.

"Chess isn't my favourite game, but I'll probably grow to like it if you teach me some tricks. I'm going to head on down. I can't watch you eat cake with as much clarity as I expected" Bianca ruminated "But if you need more for distraction, my room is very far away from Ida's"

She winked. Cullen almost choked from gobbling the rest of the crumbs too quickly.

* * *

><p>"Varric"<p>

It was after dinner and Bianca was about to go to bed, but not without consoling her _real_ ex-husband first. Bonny Sims, Vivienne, Harding, and the other merchants had left quickly to claim the showers. As much as Bianca loved speaking to Varric, it was too emotionally confusing to sit at his table _every_ day. Varric detracted from Cassandra's gaze.

"Yeah?"

Bianca tugged his shoulder "Come here"

"Sorry, Cassandra – my old flame requires my brain"

"I'm sure she has _more_ brains"

Cassandra kicked his leg from under the table: a fair response. Varric stumbled as Bianca led him outside. It was cold, but nice compared to other nights - the light from inside illuminated half of Varric's face.

"I need to ask you a really personal question" Bianca whispered. Varric smiled.

"Remind me again what is personal about your life?"

Bianca clenched her teeth "Will you get mad if I boned Cullen?"

Varric's eyes bulged "Is this hypothetical, by any chance? A fantasy of yours?"

"If I'm lucky, it won't be" Bianca said. Varric covered his face.

"Andraste's flaming sword… are you _really_ into _him_? I thought Cassandra said you'd given up. Some Sterling chap had taken you out riding"

"Did you _really_ believe Cassandra when she said it?"

"I…" Varric sighed "I guess I _hoped_…"

"It irritates you, then?" Bianca asked.

Varric frowned. He put a hand on Bianca's arm, as though he wanted to hold her hand, but wasn't sure what was appropriate.

"As your _official_ ex-husband – I say you're crazy" Varric emphasized his words to seem powerful "but as your friend and pen pal, Bianca – jump whoever hell's junk you want"

"Are you serious?" Bianca repeated. Varric kissed Bianca on the cheek.

"I can't _lie_, Bianca – I gave you two opposing answers. The truth has gotta be somewhere in the middle"

"Thank you, Varric!" Bianca rejoiced. She wrapped her arms around him. It felt more warm than painful.

"If you and the Commander do get frisky, don't think of me as you do" Varric advised her. Bianca laughed.

"I"ll try"

It was the absolute truth. Thinking of Varric was a bad habit she had to break. Maybe Cullen would help her break it, for better or worse.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> Yes, I am addicted to writing Cullen... hence this. If you guys haven't already check out "A Lion in winter" - great Cullen fic. I want to finish this for good before uni starts. It won't be too much longer... promise ;)


	38. Chapter 38

There it went, another joint, a fresh scream to go with it. Bianca spluttered for breath. So much sweat was dripping from her forehead she might as well poured water down herself. She was cold from the rain, hot from the inflammation… stinging from the open wounds. She could smell so much the environment ceased to make sense.

"Varric!" she screamed "Help! Get help! Someone!"

"Screaming will only make us work harder, sweetie" came the rough tone of the man with blue eyes. He would have been handsome in another life, but not here. This was a graveyard, or worse – the flames of hell itself.

"Do you want that?"

A slice of a sword grazed her bare ass. Pain came before her understanding of that. Blood poured, but the blade removed. Bianca wept, begged for the injustice to end in her head. It had become vociferous noise, like a parrot that wouldn't stop squawking. She struggled. Three other men had taken hold of her arms and legs. She was dangling in an awkward position. She had never noticed how odd it felt to have rain splatter off your bald head. She shivered as the blue eyed man ran a nail down her cheek. Laugher and chuckling were the background soundtrack to his evil.

"You still deserve our best efforts" he smiled. "It wouldn't give your swain much to look at otherwise"

Her next yell seemed to hit a wall.

* * *

><p>The blackness and kind smell of fabric relinquished.<p>

Bianca found herself hugging a spare pillow. It never helped when the nightmares came. She hadn't found something yet which did. She was still in the very early stages of psychological recovery.

"Bianca!"

There was a loud knock on her door. Bianca's eyes flew open. She stared at the door, still shaken up from the contents of her nightmare. Was the blue eyed demon going to attack her again? She prodded her ass to make sure it wasn't bleeding. No, the voice was different.

"C-Cullen?" Bianca repeated, uncertainly. There was more knocking.

"Open _please_" he sounded tormented. There was only one cure for torment – company. Bianca jumped out of bed and fumbled for the handle. When she opened it, Cullen looked very confused.

"Sorry" he said quickly "Alcohol has only started to wear off. I'm… idle…uninhabited at present"

"What was the occasion?" Bianca asked groggily. She let Cullen through. He took his armor plates off. They clanged on the ground.

"Dorian, Varric and The Iron Bull don't need excuses" Cullen said darkly "I foolishly inferred it would help my anxiety"

Bianca looked through her wardrobe, trying to find something that might fit Cullen, but nothing did.

"Sorry – just trying to put my head in the right place too. I could have told you that was pointless"

"Cassandra said the same' Cullen noted "Still, I had to try. Nothing else was w-working"

Cullen sat on the edge of the bed. Bianca joined him. She suddenly wondered if Cullen was the answer to her emotional dishevel.

"Why didn't you come here?" she asked. Bianca didn't admit it to herself, but she was slightly hurt Cullen had not taken up her offer sooner. She may not be as tasty as a cake, but she could try to mimic it's sweetness with what tact remained of her. He took off his boots.

"I don't want to hurt you, Bianca – not after what your last two partners have done" Cullen said dismayed. It was as though he didn't consider them partners, but monsters instead. He unzipped his fly. Bianca's hand flew to his thigh.

"Then what are you doing?" Bianca demanded.

Cullen stared at her. It was pointless. Their faces were basically shadows. Instead, they communicated with touch. Cullen's hand rest on hers…

"I wondered if I could share your bed again for neighbourly purposes" Cullen said slowly "It is not the brightest strategy, but better than Leliana constantly assassinating everything that moves. Kick me out if you must. Or will that be too trying for you?"

"You're welcome" Bianca said "Just don't reprimand me if I'm too exciting"

Cullen's hand crushed Bianca's fingers. He sighed.

"You make a good point"

Bianca moved back under her covers, but she wiggled to the spot that was cold. She touched the space in front.

"If my ass doesn't hook you then it'll work out how you want"

"Clever thinking" Cullen noted. Bianca waited as the blackened Cullen removed the last of his clothes and snuggled into his designated spot. Bianca was somewhat excited, a relieved, that he was left with briefs. She could feel the warmth of his body beneath her arms, against her chest. She kind of wanted to be naked just so she could experience the full eminence of his closeness. She didn't want to push her luck. It was surprising Cullen was willing to be this close to her _unclothed_.

"Do you think The Inquisitor will die, Miss Davri?" Cullen asked after a while. Bianca exhaled slowly, resisting the urge to nuzzle Cullen's neck.

"I wish I knew. I just figure if it turns to shit, we'll deal with it somehow. At the very least it will make Corypheus an easier opponent to defeat"

"You're right" Cullen seemed to regain his confidence "With Morrigan's information we are unlikely to lose. I suppose Ida's life means more to me than the idea of the world ending – so morbid, isn't it?"

"No" Bianca ran her fingers around Cullen's abs, observing their tautness "Ida means so much it may as well be the world ending. It wouldn't be the same. It would kill me if Varric died, even though he isn't with me anymore. He still means just as much"

Cullen seemed to marvel at his own stupidity. He chuckled.

"You're right – I should have gone straight to you. Dorian and the Iron Bull offered next to no guidance"

"There's no comfort in doom – that's why" Bianca said.

"Thank you" Cullen locked Bianca's fingers with his own "Sorry – what an odd thing to say"

"I happen to like deviants" Bianca smiled, and she was shocked that Cullen turned around to face her. She could see nothing of his face. His outline was barely visible. Cullen squeezed her hand tighter. Sweat was beginning to make her palms hot.

"You're a sweet girl. You didn't deserve what happened to you" Cullen said solemnly. "I wish I could find you the perfect man to ease your desolation. I apologize Sterling was the best I could offer"

"Varric _would_ have been perfect if he'd gotten to me sooner" Bianca admitted "He's still the closest to perfect I know"

"I suppose he'd have to be if you wanted to marry him" Cullen noted.

"He'll never stop meaning something to me" Bianca said "He's been kind of like a brother in that sense"

"Yes"

Cullen wasn't sure what else to say. Bianca leaned forward and tilt her head up. She couldn't really tell where she was but her nose knocked Cullen's. He recoiled and breathed raggedly for a few moments.

"I'm going to _hurt you_ if Ida comes out of Corypheus's lair alive" he said shakily. Bianca touched his hair – it still had some gel. It made it feel a bit greasy, but she didn't mind. She kissed what she presumed was the side of Cullen's face, it was hard to tell.

"I might as well enjoy myself before the world ends, right?" Bianca said quietly. She jumped as Cullen's hand touched her face. It was strange feeling him without his gloves on.

"You make me terribly feeble minded, Bianca" Cullen said

_Varric used to say that too_, Bianca thought sadly, _only 'idiot' or other derivative was his choice._

"I guess kissing you is out of the question" she said. Cullen groaned. Clearly he was as conflicted as she was.

"Will it _really_ make things better for you, well-rounded pixie?"

Bianca kissed Cullen's… collarbone? It was all she could reach.

"Will sharing a bed with me _really_ make you stop worrying about Ida?" Bianca challenged. Cullen's grip seemed to soften.

"N-No" he said finally "but it would be a better diversion than alcohol or one of Varric's stories"

Bianca moved her face closer to Cullen's mouth. She could feel his breath. It smelled slightly of mulled wine. She must be close.

"If Varric's stories can't distract you, you must be in deep shit" Bianca murmured.

Bianca was shocked to feel Cullen kiss her this time. It was so brief she didn't get a chance to put it to memory.

"As much as it pains me to admit it, I do believe you're right"

It was a bad decision. Both of them knew that, but it was too perfect to resist at the same time. Bianca placed a hand on Cullen's chest as Cullen pulled her face toward his. Their kiss was as untraceable as their outlines, threatening to disappear into the night. In the simplistic ecstasy Bianca forgot their titles – he is a Commander, and she was a smith. They were friends who were attracted to each other. Was that all?

In her lustfulness, Bianca's hand slipped down – but not quickly enough. Cullen snatched it.

"No. You can't" is all he said.

Bianca mildly nodded as Cullen continued to kiss her. His kisses were part of Cullen's assertive glamour. It was intensifying, sensual. He rolled onto his back and pulled her onto his lap by the waist. She yelped in shock, but Cullen shushed her. He was incredibly strong. She may be small, but that didn't mean she was a duckling!

Bianca found herself wondering what time it was.

"I don't see why you think this is a good solution to your problem" Bianca said, as she leaned down to continue their kisses. He was like a dancer with his love, careful and deliberate. It had a small break in the middle. Cullen smiled.

"Tackling the Arbor Wilds with reduced numbers wasn't a great idea either, but it had to be done"

"Haha" Bianca sneered "by that logic, does that mean I 'have to be done' too?"

Cullen stopped. He ran his hands up the length of her thighs, stopping just before it got too high.

"I wouldn't mind falling asleep like this, if you are tired enough. It is nice to be with you like this. A kind hearted simplicity, if I can put it to words"

Bianca smiled and rest her torso down on Cullen's chest. It felt oddly comforting, even if Cullen's awakened manhood made her very tempted to torment him. It was new to be on top of a man who was not covered in hair. Bianca wasn't sure she had an opinion on the change. She would leave it for now. All the years she was married she had to admit the ex-Templar had some of the sweetest embraces. It was parallel only to Varric.

The nightmares were easier to recover from with someone genuine to hold onto her afterward.

* * *

><p>It happened on a Monday – it started like most the others. Breakfast at 8:30am, work at 8:45am, lunch at 1:00pm… it seemed all was going as it should. But it couldn't last. Everyone was wondering when 'it' would happen like a fire brewing on the wind. Around 3, a crack like thunder appeared, one too familiar for comfort.<p>

"I wouldn't have picked _today_ for a pouring" Bonny said, and she peered up "Oh, _that_ would explain why"

"What's new?" Bianca asked, and she looked up too. As mind boggling as an eclipse, the sky had broken open in a sheet of smoky green. More light was gushing out like a dam smashing apart. The ever feared breach was upon them once more.

_Corypheus!_

"Should I have written my will five years ago?" Bianca wondered. Bonny had already resumed polishing a newly smithed sword.

"Just wait for a signal. I'm certain the Inquisitior wouldn't leave us to perish" Bonny coaxed in her thick accent.

Waited they did. Too long, Bianca thought. She saw Cassandra pass, then Harding… some of the Mages from Fiona's mob. Were they really expected to wait? Everyone else was running, or at least briskly pacing!

"I don't want to stand here when Varric might as well be paving his grave!" Bianca shouted. She started to move from behind the desk, but Bonny grabbed her sleeve.

"What if Cullen's soldier's need weapons?" Bonny asked "Armour too?"

"This is the _worst_ time to be unprepared!" Bianca protested. Meanwhile, more crashing sounds and cracking were heard overhead. Bianca wondered when it would start pelting fire balls or demons. Bonny's mask was illuminated by green. Bianca strained her neck to look up.

"That is exactly why it is the perfect time" Bonny said bitterly. Bianca yanked her arm free.

"Fine. If you care more for coin than lives at stake, don't save me spare change!"

"If I had a man's hand to grasp as you do…" Bonny said slowly, but she swished her dress "Make haste, Bianca"

Make haste Bianca did. She ran as fast as her dress would allow – why did she always feel the compulsive need to compete with Bonny's fashion sense? She almost tripped over a dodgy tuft of grass, a stick, some leaves…As she stumbled up the steps to the main hall, she caught an earful of Cullen's dominating voice.

"The Inquisitor insists we move on without delay. There is a dragon Lady Morrigan needs assistance with"

_A fucking dragon?_ Bianca thought. She stopped in the middle of the hall. People were bustling everywhere. It was as hectic as a ball, only less festive and upbeat. Those who were not the fighting sort were retreating – to their quarters perhaps, so Skyhold could forget what was now to occur. The hilt of a sword and staff hit Bianca's back. She ignored it.

"Crap!" she groaned.

Varric wasn't at his usual place by the fire. Bianca should have known – he was one of the Inquisitor's favourites. At that moment, Bianca meant what she said about feeding the Inquisitor her own eyeballs. Even Cullen's love for her had not warranted that reaction.

_Varric, where are you?_ Bianca pined. She felt her heart start to beat like the hurried feet of those around her _I need you_.

"Don't die without saying goodbye!" she yelled in a panic "Don't off yourself without me!"

The room was also in such a flurry no one took notice. No better time to exhaust your crazy brain than in a crisis.

The old times of fighting alongside him were long gone, but it was still heartbreaking to accept that time had to change anything. Cassandra was way more able to protect Varric than she was. Maybe he'd be safe. It was better that way, especially since…

Bianca covered her face in her hands as the flashbacks overwhelmed her. She couldn't even feel the tears rolling down her face. The blue eyed demon was back, only he was forcing himself inside her, grunting disgusting sounds, while the other men stopped her from escaping. She was so light and insignificant to them she may as well have been a doll. Her body laboured with affliction of protest, ripping more than any of the cuts had.

_I don't want this! Stop! Stop!_

There was a faint voice.

"Old girl, are you alright?"

The blue demon sped up. Her pelvis hurt with the force. The other men were complaining. More were catcalling. Varric was fighting muffled screams.

"Shut up, you fuck!"

Bianca sobbed. She tried to relax, tried to enjoy the mutilation, to minimize the humiliation, but if she was not tense over one thing, she was stressed over another. The discomfort only fluctuated.

_Ow! Ow… ow! _

Bianca was too overwhelmed by impairment to identify who was speaking to her.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> In case you can't already tell... the story is going to end around the same time the game does. If you're still reading, I like feedback :)


	39. Chapter 39

When the flashbacks were over – it always felt hours later, Bonny was kneeling beside her, rubbing her back. Bianca jumped. She had sat on the floor in confusion.

"What? Why are you there?" Bianca touched Bonny's mask, trying to remind herself of what was real.

"A young man informed me you were having troubles. I said I'd help"

Bianca's voice shook, as though she was wringing out a sponge "Fire crackers. You know I'm useless when I get like this, Bonny"

"I am very aware" Bonny nodded "but that does not mean you ought to ache by yourself"

_Would Cullen be triggered by this situation too? How does he do his job then? _Bianca wondered how he was doing – more than that, was the Inquisition going to pull through? It was as uncertain as Bogdan's mood swings – one moment he'd be the sweetest person, the next a madman.

"Have you seen Varric?" Bianca trembled. Bonny shook her head.

"The Inquistion has been gone a mere half hour. Your flashbacks do not last as long as you fear"

"What about the shop?" Bianca demanded. It was assumed by the change in Bonny's tone is that she was smiling.

"I shut it, of course. Packed your things away with my own in my room… it is not the time to fret about work, let us sit on the lawn. The remaining people of Skyhold are watching the Breach"

* * *

><p>It was bizarre to be amidst chaos and not be in the middle of it, only watching. As Bianca sat down on the soft grass with Bonny, she prayed for Cassandra's safety. Bianca would not be here without her.<p>

_Varric better keep her safe. _

Bianca hugged her legs, trying to make sure she wouldn't flash the world with her dress. Bianca wasn't sure what she prayed for the Inquisitor, but she hoped for Cullen's safety. If he died Bianca would have one less friend in Skyhold, one that wasn't a man anyway.

"It must be terrible to have close relations with the ones fighting this war" Bonny said wearily "I had a womanly companion in Orlais. We kept it hidden from everyone. You know what it's like"

"Why didn't you bring her here?" Bianca asked. She assumed Bonny was talking about a romantic joining. It wouldn't create uproar otherwise. She kept attentive on every syllable. Bonny rarely spoke emotional details about herself except in rare instances. Bonny's eyes shone with tears.

"She disappeared, milady. It had been a long day, but she did not appear any different. We bought dinner and ate it under the bridge by the Deluge fountain – do you know that one?"

Bianca nodded "Bogdan did his finances near there"

"It was our most treasured region. She gave me a few kisses, why not when we had put such effort to be quiet? I progressed to my real fiance at home. He was so kind to me, not like your Bogdan. I always felt bad for betraying his trust. I never told him of her, even though I met her before. He just thought we were friends, like everybody else"

"What do you _think_ happened to her?" Bianca asked. Bonny shrugged.

"She fled for her safety, I expect. I understand. It is why no one must know my true name, not even you. My fiance perished at foot of a demon. One of the rifts was exceptionally ghastly and it was starting to rummage the city. He was taken a hero. It was how he wanted to die, for that I owe the Maker gratitude. The Inquisitor arrived too late to close it or save the lives that were lost"

"That's criminal" Bianca said.

"Criminals roam the streets, why should they fail to disrupt our personal lives too?" Bonny said. She sounded hopeful "When this Corypheus is ash I dearly want to restitute home."

"I'm going to miss you" Bianca said "I wish I had known you when I was married. It would have made me a touch happier"

"I do not deserve flattery. I am certain your other tea supplicants were plenty"

"No, every extra masked blessing would have helped" Bianca smiled, and she wanted to touch Bonny's hand, but then she thought about how odd that would be considering what they had just spoken of. It wasn't the right moment for hand touching. Bianca looked at the green in the sky. It was like watching the world fall apart the wrong way round.

"Will you go home, Bianca?" Bonny asked. Bianca couldn't pull away from the sky, like a shining beacon of something hopeful.

"I don't know yet. It depends what happens"

Bonny understood "I was harsh before, darling. Forget it. I have just been hurt enough in my 30 years of life"

Bianca laughed "There's still another 20 to go at least"

Bonny laughed. It was charming, the perfect pitch. Bianca jumped as Bonny pat her hand "Let us pray for the brighter last half"

"Yeah" Bianca paused "Is there anyone…"

BANG

There were showers of sprinkled light, like shattered glass, a flurry of what sounded like flames. The rest was a white blast behind closed eyelids. It was too vibrant to watch. The sound disappeared, but her ears took a moment to recover. When she reopened them, the sky was violet – not a touch of green remained.

"My my…" Bonny whispered "An apparition so vicious should not look as spectacular"

Bianca spun around. There was a few seconds of disbelief. It was a display of fireworks. It couldn't be over yet, only teasing. But look upon look was exchanged. One man, Bianca recognized him but was too tired to put a name to the face, began to clap. Bonny followed, and so did Bianca.

"The worst must be over!" called a trainer. So many in Skyhold had contributed to the Inquisitor's greatness, but when it came down to it they all felt as useful as ants to their queen: insignificant nothings worker toward a larger goal. Bonny rubbed her shoulders.

"I am desperate for a hot fire and cocoa" Bonny said.

"I hear you, Bonny" Bianca agreed

_What happens now?_ Everyone thought it, but no one said.

"Is it normal to still worry?" Bianca inquired. Bonny gave a rude giggle.

"Yes, but is it helpful to? Absolutely not, milady"

Bianca sighed. She put her face on her knees. Now would be awesome time to play wicked grace against Varric, maybe listen to Dorian complain about his father – but they were all gone. There were only so many interesting conversations you could have with your work colleague you saw for large sections of every day. Bianca wasn't sure what to do.

"Pardon me for rudeness, Bianca – but I must ask before we dare part: do you love this able Commander? Or is he just for looking?"

Bianca looked at Bonny, and could see the girl she must be behind the mask – someone wanting peace, but not wanting to disrupt the masses. They were opposites on that front. Bianca sighed.

"I like him enough to fall for him given enough time. But no, he isn't _just_ for looking"

"I thought so" Bonny said "He is rather dashing. A fine man, if I ever saw one. My fiance had a liking for feathers as well. It was one of our discrepancies"

Bianca laughed.

"You have to let me write to you"

"I will give you my address" Bonny nodded.

There was the hurrying of steps.

"The Inquisitor!"

Bianca looked up. In the distance, a battered looking Harding held up her hands to stop the man had dashed forward. The man hurried back. A blanket mob of shadows were approaching in the distance.

"The fight is over!" he jumped happily "Corepheus has been vanquished to the Fade!"

The cheers were startling. Some people stood up and clapped. Bianca felt her mouth hurt from the smiling, but the worry was still in her mind. She was too shocked to cheer yet. Bonny didn't comment.

"Is everyone safe?" Bianca called. Harding nodded.

"Mages and soldiers went down, everyone else is injured. Far more made it through then we anticipated! Corypheus got too egotistical, we think"

Bianca thought she would blank out from relief. She wouldn't have to lose anyone for a long while, hopefully. At least until another Corypheus came along. She saw Varric hand in hand with Cassandra. She wouldn't have been able to tell it was him, but Varric run up to her. He looked ready to collapse.

"I bet that was the most boring waiting game" Varric said. He was soaked with blood and debris. It only accentuated his hotness. Bianca didn't mind much.

"Waiting for you was far worse" Bianca said. Varric chuckled.

"I'll give you that, Bianca" he rest his hands on her shoulders "We're going to play wicked grace at the party. I'll save you a seat"

"Awesome" Bianca grinned "Tell Cassandra thanks for saving your ass"

"I had my moments of heroics too" Varric smiled, with a wiggle of his nose. Bianca would have joked that this would be a first for him, but resisted. Varric let go of her.

"Was Corypheus as butt ugly as the Inquisitor made him sound?" Bianca asked. Varric laughed.

"Worse" Varric peered nervously over his shoulder. "Cullen and the Inquisitor seem to be getting chummy again. Should I ruffle his feathers for you?"

Bianca tried to be open minded about the information.

"If you'd be that generous" Bianca smirked. She tried to resist looking over Varric's shoulder immediately. Varric laughed.

"I always am. Don't doubt me, Bianca. Not anymore. You'll only kick yourself later"

"For you, I'll do anything" Bianca smiled.

It was clear Varric did not know how to respond, so he smiled instead.

"Cassandra won't get too jealous if my ex-wife sits next to me" Varric poked his tongue out "so if I don't see you there shit _will_ come back to bite you"

"I'll have my new sword ready" Bianca said "T-thanks, Varric"

"You too," he was gone. Bianca stepped forward. She tried to see over the tall humans, the towering mages and soldiers, but Cullen was nowhere to be seen. She head up to the main hall instead.

* * *

><p>Bianca slumped in her chair, peering over her cards. Cullen had left last round to speak to Ida… they had gone toward Ida's quarters together. That could mean nothing good. They had recounted the fight with Corypheus and almost nothing else so far. There was no winking from across the table, no footsies… what did this mean?<p>

_Why am I even surprised_? Bianca thought _He pretty much told me this was going to happen. _

"You look unwell, Bianca" Cassandra said. She placed down her card "Did things not occur as you imagined?"

"I hope Cullen's okay" Bianca said blankly. This wasn't a lie. She knew Ida was intrinsically linked to Cullen's welfare – even though she wasn't dead, bad could still happen. Cassandra nudged her, and she played her card.

"Nice going, Bianca" Varric said, from her other side. It was reassuring Varric and Cassandra felt comfortable around her to sit on either side of her. It was familiar to be able to smell him. Cullen, and Sterling to some degree, had helped her focus on something else. "Curly's as fine as he's ever going to be"

"You did the right thing" Cassandra said. She pat Bianca's thigh "He needs to make his choice now"

"How did you survive that crap?!" Bianca shouted at Varric. Varric laughed.

"I didn't. Did I really need to say anything?"

"What on earth are you on about? I can't tell what the Inquisition has more of – gossip or politics" Dorian said "You have certainly got me thinking about it. Tell me more about this Sterling character, Bianca. Varric told me he was easy on the eyes. If you see him, please point him out to me, will you? Do you think he'd dance with me if I asked?"

Bianca laughed "I don't know. I don't judge people based on their orientation, Dorian"

Dorian shook his head as he played his card "You learn to pick it up, Bianca. It is like an instinct for danger. It is important for me to know - I _am_ lonely - so why not immediately judge whatever moves? It does me a service"

"It is lovely we are out of danger now, isn't it?" Cassandra said, obviously wanting to change the subject "I wonder what the future holds now the catalyst for starting the Inquisition is gone"

"Can we _not_ think about the future for_ one second_?!" Varric exclaimed. The entire table laughed.

"Are you going to have malformed half breed children, Varric?" Dorian sniggered. "Part dwarf, part human... what a sight it will be"

Cassandra shook her glass at Dorian.

"_You're_ the one who will have the demented babies, Tevinter" she inflicted with a snarl. Bianca giggled.

"I guess Varric and I will have to get busy again to make up for it" Bianca joked.

"Don't you dare!" Cassandra yelped.

Sera, The Iron Bull and Blackwell all laughed at this.

"Do I need to lend you some rope, Varric?" The Iron Bull asked. "I think someone needs a good introduction to the stick"

"You think I'm so unprepared and stupid, don't you?" Varric said "I already own some"

Bianca tried to conceal her blushing. Varric wasn't lying.

Between gossip, Sterling, Sera's pranks and Blackwell's talks of Grey Wardens, the night went quicker than it needed to.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes<em>: Pretty sure the next chapter is ACTUALLY the last one. Thanks for tagging along.


	40. Chapter 40

Bianca sighed and read over the letter again. Thank the Maker Meadow had received her reply without trouble. Bianca couldn't help wondering about her. She had been the only positive in her late father's estate.

The Marvellous Bubbly Bianca

Many thanks for replying with such quick hands. I knew they would be of use to you, especially in these times.

I am surprised you asked of your father. I feared you would be too offended by the experience. Forgive me for remaining silent.

Alden's body was cremated as he requested. I provided a burial for him in the garden – what is left of it, anyhow. The gladioli are all gone! Many esteemed colleagues of his attended. They asked what had befallen him. 'He was a great warrior' they said. 'Survived a dragon'…. I wary of their stories – I always wondered how many stories were true and the questions have not ceased. Over twenty years later! I told them I know as much as they do. I am happy to keep one more secret for my Bianca. I cannot imagine the shock of hearing the news from Varric, of all people! 'Cassandra may as well chopped off his head' – what craziness!

Now I have cleaned my hands from the rubble and cleared cloud from the sky, Alden is without question the rudest man I ever worked for. It is funny how you lose sight of such things, because there is nothing more you can do. I am tending to the last of his will before I look for work. There is plenty here for you. I urge you to come home soon – I know you said I ought to live off your portion but I cannot in good will. You were allocated a fair amount after Kathrine passed. It will allow you to start life afresh. I wish the Maker granted all of us such an opportunity. Perhaps the light is shining on you finally. I dearly pray for you, Bianca, as I always have. Some do not deserve a hard life, but that is all they experience. Yet they remain good people. I hope you will always be as just and energetic. Do not lose contact with me, my dear. It would be a sad day!

I am pleased to hear Varric is able to be forgotten among the mess. I cried when I read your last letter – oh, I wept as you must have! Perhaps more… I remember every single one of your stories – _his_ stories. His gifts, the tales of his kisses and dates. I read his books too! His most recent was divine! Oh, I remember you jumping on the bed. Do you remember our pillow fight? I said he'd lay down his life for you. I suppose I was right – he just wasn't willing to lay down yours. There's something noble about that, despite his stupidity – don't you think? I would try not think ill of him. He seemed like a nice man. You wouldn't have waited if he wasn't. I was waiting for him as much as you. What a crying shame! That's life, isn't it? A dreadful thing – I shake my fist at the Maker for you, Bianca. Oh, my poor, tired legs. I need to retire early!

Do let me know what happens with this Commander fellow. Bring him home if you want. I'm happy to inspect him if you think he needs it!

Many squishy hugs from yours truly.

Meadow

The quill in Bianca's hands trembled and she let her eyes close as tears crumbled the parchment. Now this was going to look as awful as Cullen's letter! There was a knock on the door. The worst time.

"Miss Davri?"

Bianca dropped her quill, hurried to the door and flung it open.

"Bonny!" Bianca sniffed. Bonny Sims dropped her briefcase. Even in a rush she was stunning.

"Darling" Bonny said. Her accent had possibly gotten thicker "what ails you?"

"N-nothing" Bianca said "Memories"

"I see" Bonny rolled up her sleeves "I was about to leave. I wanted to give you my address. I wrote it on my special paper just for you. A fine privilege for a fine friend… I have written more inside. Leave it for when you are free of troubles"

Bonny pulled an envelope sealed with a gold ribbon "My favourite dwarf in Skyhold"

Bianca took it "T-thank you. Have you seen…"

"The Commander says he'll see you after I leave" Bonny said "I was just in a hurry. I told him to wait"

Bianca jumped "Do I look nice? What should I do?"

"Hush, darling. You are perfect" Bonny pulled away "I must be off – need to get home before dinner. Maker knows how long it will be until I find somewhere to live. I can't pay off my fiance's mortgage with his savings"

"Write when you get home" Bianca urged "Promise"

Bonny did a curtsy. "I'll write on my horse, if I can manage"

It was the most anti climatic farewell, but Bianca was getting used to those. She waved goodbye to Bonny as she turned away. Hopefully Cullen's talk wouldn't be a goodbye lecture. Bianca brought the envelope back to her desk.

_Meadow will protect me if everyone else fails, _she thought. This gave her some comfort. It was like the Varric early days.

"B-bianca"

Cullen's voice echoed far more than anyone else's had. Maybe because she was upset or because she was attracted to him, Bianca had no idea. She refused to turn around.

_No more goodbyes –_ she realized she wanted this more than anything else. _I don't want any more of life if it is just a string of farewells. That was supposed to happen on my death bed, not all the way through._

"I'm sorry I didn't speak to you last night" Cullen said slowly "It was a big day, I'm sure you can imagine. Way too many hands to shake… too many mouths to feed… it was almost _coincidence_ the Inquisitor was the middle of it all. Leliana said…"

Bianca did not intent to sound so aggressive, but her next line echoed just that.

"Did you have a nice sleep?"

"Ah" Cullen seemed to register fast "No, I did not. Nightmares tend to do that"

"I thought they weren't as bad" Bianca said.

"I have some blissful nights now, yes, but they do still come. Less so… the effect on me is less"

"How is Ida?" Bianca asked. Cullen sounded uncomfortable.

"W-Well" he said slowly "We had a nice long talk last night"

"You _slept_ and you _talked_" Bianca repeated. She could finally turn to look up at Cullen's guilty face. He kept his hand on his sword, for nervousness sake. "Tell me more, Cullen"

"I _was_ getting to that" Cullen said hastily. He took a step closer "Ida said she had contemplated our relationship very carefully after speaking to many guests. What comes after… that's what everyone wants to know, isn't it? What comes next for the grand Inquisitor, the Herald of Andraste – the brilliant Lady Lavellan from the Dalish: What will her next move be?"

"Yeah?" Bianca said suspiciously. Cullen took another step forward. His hands trembled, as though he wanted to touch Bianca, but he did not. They were inches apart.

"That's just it" Cullen said slowly "There was no room for relationships in their ramblings. The Inquisitor may have been urged into her position, but that does not mean she cares nothing for it. No, Ida is as passionate as you are with your work – as dedicated as I am with my recruits. She wants to be the best she can for Thedas – there's nothing she wants more than that. I cannot blame her. If I was given such power I would want to shower the Houses with riches. Even now, the Inquisition is not over. No one in this team took brutal steps toward romance – there was no telling what would happen after. We dream, yes, we spectacle, of course – but are there answers? No"

"Where is this going?" Bianca addled. Cullen ignored her.

"Ida decided after much deliberation that our relationship ought to remain severed"

"What?!" Bianca gasped "B-but she's the woman you love!"

"Y-Yes" Cullen choked. He wiped his eyes, as fresh tears appeared "She is clever, though. There is no point continuing when our work lives have become so intermingled. If we did, it would likely devour itself in the same way it already has. It is better we preserve the respect we share for one another. Remain esteemed work colleagues. It is the safest route"

"Safe doesn't make it right!" Bianca yelled, and a lot of anger about Varric resurfaced "You should fight harder for her!"

"I knew you'd react like this" Cullen sighed exasperated. He put a hand on Bianca's shoulders "The situation is different to yours, Bian…"

"Shut up!" Bianca yelled "You're _just like him_! You're just taller and…!"

The words crashed and exploded into a mess. Cullen sat down on the floor. They were eye level once again. He waited. Bianca glared, but then her face softened. Yeah, she was being stupid again.

"Sorry" she said "I just-"

"Don't worry" Cullen said. He meant it "May I continue my story?"

Bianca nodded. Cullen peered at his boots.

"Where was I… oh, I strongly disagree with Ida at first – I wanted to take the title off her - but deep down, I knew she was right. I was not willing to give up my work, the same way she would not abandon hers. We are too dedicated to atonement, her and I. Perhaps that is why we mesh so brilliantly. We were fools to fall in love in the first place. She was just so kind and funny. I couldn't keep my eyes off her."

"There's a time and place for romance, and an Inquisition isn't it?" Bianca suggested. Cullen laughed.

"You put it so delicately, Bianca" he said "The Inquisition will likely continue for a number of gruesome, gruelling years. At the end I doubt Ida will be the same person – we will likely want to move on to more peaceful dwellings. If my time with Meredith showed anything, it is that the effect of one person can create a plague of disillusionment. This could technically still be part of that."

"You were so worried about her" Bianca said "Are you sane?"

"No, Bianca. Of course I'm not" Cullen smiled "I had to ask Avery to take over my shift for me, told Leliana to take me out of the equation with decision making today. It puts strain on everyone. I only had my morning coffee an hour ago and it's two o'clock in the afternoon. I was crying too much, like a big baby, as Mia would say. Madness. Ida couldn't pull out, though. She has a case of the sad pink eye"

"How does she do it?" Bianca wondered.

"I'm sure she wonders that too, Bianca" Cullen said solemnly. Bianca blinked.

"Um… so…"

She didn't want to mention 'what happens now?', as it would probably send Cullen into a crying episode again. She was sure Varric cried for a lot longer than Cullen did when he went traveling – Bianca suspected he may have undermined the number of hours. He said 20 – she reckons a hundred. She easily cried for more than a day once you added the time up, at least – not counting when Bianca was with Bogdan. Cullen nodded.

"I need time to respite, Bianca. I will not be better tomorrow. I am unsure about the end of the week, but perhaps that's when we could do something nice together"

"Chess and cakes?" Bianca suggested. Cullen smiled fondly. He must be remembering something. It was only now Bianca realized how red his eyes were.

"What would you like to do? What are your plans?"

Bianca hesitated "My family's chattel, Meadow, wants me to come home. I have lots of stuff of mine and my Dad's to pick up"

Cullen put a finger to his lips "Are you prepared for such a voyage?"

"I have to be" Bianca said "It will be nice to see Meadow again… remind me of how things used to be. It might give me some ideas of where I belong"

Bianca met Cullen's eyes. They were kind and patient, the ones who had agreed to help her with divorce papers – the man who had stood beside her while she stuttered to her husband, saying she had to go; The bashful Commander who had blocked the door so she couldn't run away, who had carried her kicking and screaming out of her Estate so she could be freed. He was real, and Bianca wanted a man who wasn't afraid to do what was right. Just feeling his honesty made her emotional herself.

"Where do you think you belong?" Cullen asked. Bianca wanted to say her next words, but she couldn't. Instead, she mouthed them.

"With you"

There was no telling if Cullen understood. He stared at her mouth like it was about to project a disease onto him. He fiddled at the finger of one of his gloves.

"When were you thinking of leaving?" he said finally.

* * *

><p>Meadow dusted the ornament on top of the dinner table. There was something horribly off about cleaning for a tenant who was no longer walking the earth. Such a thought made her sad for no sensible reason – why should she continue to polish the Davri Estate? Like it mattered to her! It had only brought her a wage and a safe place to sleep! Never again would she have to wander the street begging for food and donating her body to monsters of the night. However, she supposed the wine was nice. She gave the whisky in the cupboard a sniff. Yes, it was a tad old. No matter.<p>

Meadow drunk it straight from the bottle… a simple thing shouldn't make a person excited, but Meadow had followed the orders of a psychopath for too long! _A single second is too much_, she used to tell Bianca. Oh, what fun times they had with baking. Meadow had taught Bianca all she knew. Katherine may as well had been a dog how she kept to herself – there was always another letter to write, another important person to encounter. She was the other kind of awful – the neglectful kind. Meadow's mother had been the same. As a result, she probably found herself wanting to kick Katherine's backside more than Bianca's father. What was this trend with incapable mothers?

There was a knock on the door.

_Hopefully not the press again,_ Meadow thought, how many stupid journalists did she have to turn down? 'I don't know anything' might as well be written on her forehead. The knocking appeared again, only Meadow recognized it as Bianca's secret knock – the one she had used for Varric the very few times she had met him. Two rapid knocks followed by the end notes to their favourite sea shanty. This could mean something exciting!

As Meadow picked up the ripples of her dress, she remembered why she had kept this God awful job for so many years – it was all for Bianca. Meadow saw the junior Davri as a daughter, and treated her that way. They could have been related if it wasn't for hair colour – they shared a similar face structure and eyebrows. If that girl was going to be cursed with a wretched father and invisible mother, Meadow might as well save her sanity. She had become a fine girl. Meadow knew she'd done well. She may have been a useless nobody, but at least she'd sacrificed her dignity for someone pleasant! Who knows, maybe Bianca could set her up with a nice man.

As she pulled open the heavy doors, two people stood there – one very tall man, that must be Cullen – and Bianca. She looked healthier than Meadow had ever seen her – it wasn't just because of her body, she had been blessed with a fine one, but her eyes were serene, calm. Peaceful.

"Bubbly Bianca!" Meadow grinned, and they hugged.

"It's so good to see you!" Bianca sounded happy, maybe more so than Meadow was. When they broke apart, the tall man held out his hand.

"Commander Cullen. I assume you are Meadow? Bianca tells me I've been the epicentre of your gossip sessions"

"Not nearly as much as I'd like, lad" Meadow smiled. She shook his hand "Please come in"

She stepped aside and let the couple through – were they a match? Meadow had to know. They started to weave through the corridors to the kitchen. The many shelves and stone walls reminded Meadow of a cellar or some old apartments she'd squatted in back in the day. She wondered if a Fereldan such as Cullen would approve of the insobriety of the image.

"What inspired you to join the parade, Cullen?" Meadow asked. Cullen shrugged. He was wearing ordinary clothes today – something Royan, even. It was bright red. It suited him remarkably well. He could have been a guard for Selene.

"I needed a holiday. Sweet Maker, I'm pleased I could be given a respite. Life has been…stressful lately"

"I see" Meadow nodded. Maybe she could get them biscuits. "What parts _haven't_ been stressful?"

"Not dealing with the fate of the world is a great improvement" Cullen said. Meadow laughed.

"How callous"

"It is stunning here" Cullen said "Quite the architectural achievement. You must have been paid a handsome sum"

"Not as handsome as you, I'm sure Bianca would say. Yes?" Meadow raised her eyebrows at Bianca. Bianca groaned.

"It's not like that"

"It isn't?" Meadow asked "My apologies, I just thought…"

"Nothing _official_" Cullen corrected. He had gone pink too "We can't have people speaking, and I am not ready to jump into the deep end again just yet, given… my work stress and –"

"Alright, alright, don't jump in a toilet" Meadow shook it off "Let me get you some drinks and cake. Do you like shortbread, Cullen?"

"I love a good shortbread, ma'am" Cullen nodded, as they sat at the large oak table. It had a jewelled decoration in the middle. Meadow saw Bianca clutch Cullen's arm as she went to the cupboard.

"Excellent. Were you interested in sorting finances today as well?"

Meadow found the tin she was looking for. These wouldn't be too old. She brought them to the table. Bianca and Cullen looked at each other. Bianca answered.

"Yes, but a break would be great, first"

"Absolutely" Meadow agreed. She offered the biscuits to each of them in term. Cullen took one and broke it in half, putting the other section back in the tin.

"Fatten up, Cullen!" Bianca teased. Cullen hesitated.

"N-No" He retorted

Meadow laughed "Tell me of your adventures. Should I grab some cards?"

"Y-Yes" Cullen answered. He seemed very self-conscious about his shortbread now. He nibbled a small section off. Bianca smiled.

"Thanks as always, Meadow"

Meadow wondered off to Bianca's room. The little Davri used to collect different packs of cards for the artwork, among her other hobbies. Meadow wondered which one she should use.

They're a funny lot, those two, she thought – picking a deck of cards that had not graced Varric's presence. It had a theme of flowers. There would always be new memories for all things, even when revisiting the old… her late mother's saying held more truth now than ever.

Meadow had a feeling things were going to look up for Miss Bianca after all. Without Varric, none of the interest with the charming Commander Cullen would have occurred. Meadow hoped Bianca didn't hold any resentment: he had been a nice man, after all.

* * *

><p><em>Authors notes:<em> SOBS MY BABY. It is done! At first I thought switching the perspective to Bianca would be excessive, but it has turned out quite nicely. This isn't really how I thought things would go, but I think its only fair Bianca's story gets wrapped up. I'm happy with how it turned out. I hope you liked it too! I was listening to Green Island Serenade by Vienna Teng as I wrote this - it's gorgeous, please give it a listen.


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